Jealous Partner

OldNotWIse · 04-07-2016 05:01PM

cazzer22 wrote: »

A friend of mine is in the same exact same situation except she's the girlfriend. If it was me, I wouldn't put up with it. It's your life and it's not ok for her to try and control every situation. You are entitled to go out with your friends and shouldn't have to answer to anyone. Is it worth sitting her down and explaining that if her behaviour doesn't change that your are ending the relationship? If she's not even willing to listen to that, then the relationship is over. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible.

I suppose I am not entirely blameless in the sense that I have facilitated her behavior for a number of years. You get what you tolerate and all that. When things are ok then I have second thoughts about ending it, and think that maybe it's alright now. It never is of course!

OldNotWIse · 04-07-2016 05:20PM

Keane2baMused wrote: »

OP sometimes (not always just to stress) there is no smoke without fire.

How is your relationship otherwise with this girl? How often do you go on dates or spend time alone together that is instigated by you?

Are you genuinely open and honest with her or do you find yourself telling tales just to try and keep the peace?

I'll be honest I haven't been a poster child for relationships of late either. The past few years have been very difficult as I have been working full time and studying at weekends. Spare time, even just time has been hard to come by. So I can see how she might be feeling slightly abandoned. That said I think most reasonable people would understand if someone is trying to better themselves and be supportive rather than "this is affecting me".

Ursus Horribilis · 04-07-2016 06:23PM

How often does she go berserk and scream at you? Or blame you?

Fakediamond · 04-07-2016 07:38PM

Look, the pop psychology explanation is that she is fearful and insecure of losing you and the tighter she controls you, the more likely she is to keep you. Of course the opposite is true and the control is driving you away. She is unable to change this behaviour and will probably get worse. You can advise her to get help but it's likely that she doesn't have the insight to make real change, and will just modify her behaviour for a while, all the time really believing tht it's your fault and if only you wouldn't "push her buttons" (i.e. not doing whatever she decides, however unreasonable), the relationship would be fine.

You are living with a controlling bully and it's up to decide if this is acceptable to you. She can lie and manipulate you forever to hang onto you, but it's not real, the reality is the screaming and controlling behaviour, which will never end. Inform yourself about domestic violence, it's not always physical, emotional abuse is just as destructive. We don't talk about men as victims of DV, but your story, and many more, are just as real as the many female victims.

Good luck.

Ursus Horribilis · 04-07-2016 08:24PM

Edit: I see from the update from seenitall that the OP is female, not male. I'm not going to change what I typed below - abuse is abuse regardless of gender or sexuality.

You're blaming yourself for not putting your foot down earlier. But why should you have had to do that? Most people wouldn't dream of behaving like your partner in the first place. Another thing to bear in mind is that abuse (this includes emotional abuse, not just physical violence) often escalates over time. I've copied and pasted this from Amen's Website - you might want to have a think about how many of the following apply to you.

What are the signs to look out for ?

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?

believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

wonder if you're the one who is crazy?

feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behaviour

Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you?

criticise you and put you down?

treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

blame you for her own abusive behaviour?

see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Absusive Behaviour or Threats

Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?

hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

force you to have sex?

destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behaviour

Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and possessive?

control where you go or what you do?

keep you from seeing your friends or family?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

constantly check up on you?

topmanamillion · 04-07-2016 08:28PM

I'd be reaching for my coat OP.

You're clearly considering this but hesitant "to make the jump" as you put it.
That's completely unacceptable behaviour.

seenitall · 05-07-2016 12:45AM

Fakediamond wrote: »

We don't talk about men as victims of DV, but your story, and many more, are just as real as the many female victims.

The OP is female too. (Boards poster of long standing)

Queen-Mise · 05-07-2016 05:36AM

OldNotWIse wrote:

Do people like this ever change? And how does one find the courage to up and leave?

Of course it is possible for people to change, but it requires a heck of a lot of honesty, soul searching, counselling /relationship counselling.
Without the above then no, it is not possible for people to change.
These kind of behaviours are there for a reason, be it, learnt, childhood stuff, low confidence, etc. Usually people need help to unravel them.

And your second question. This relationship goes one of two ways: it continues on exactly the way it is sometimes worse/sometimes better for as long as the two of you are together. Or the two of you do what I said in first paragraph, it won't get better otherwise.

Rachiee · 05-07-2016 08:31AM

OP consider calling women's aid just for a chat to help you process the dynamics in the relationship and the difficulty you may feel in making an exit.
A lot of time people feel like Women's Aid have more important cases to deal with and they don't want to trouble them with something so minor if there is no physical violence but they are there to support anyone and would be happy to help. They have a lot of experience in these situations so it's good to talk to someone who understands.
Don't let the fact that it's a same sex relationship put you off either the dynamics of abuse are the same and they will have had sensitivity training for any differences. Good luck

OldNotWIse · 05-07-2016 03:52PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Edit: I see from the update from seenitall that the OP is female, not male. I'm not going to change what I typed below - abuse is abuse regardless of gender or sexuality.

You're blaming yourself for not putting your foot down earlier. But why should you have had to do that? Most people wouldn't dream of behaving like your partner in the first place. Another thing to bear in mind is that abuse (this includes emotional abuse, not just physical violence) often escalates over time. I've copied and pasted this from Amen's Website - you might want to have a think about how many of the following apply to you.

What are the signs to look out for ?

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?

believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

wonder if you're the one who is crazy?

feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behaviour

Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?

criticise you and put you down?

treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

blame you for her own abusive behaviour?

see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Absusive Behaviour or Threats

Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?

hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

force you to have sex?

destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behaviour

Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?

control where you go or what you do?

keep you from seeing your friends or family?

limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

constantly check up on you?

I find she ticks most of those boxes tbh. Sometimes it seems like its just normal behavior, because she has been like this for so long, I guess I came to accept it as normal. Its only when someone says, "my OH likes to see me going out" or "my OH would offer me a lift" that I realize the stark contrast!

OldNotWIse · 05-07-2016 03:56PM

topmanamillion wrote: »

I'd be reaching for my coat OP.

You're clearly considering this but hesitant "to make the jump" as you put it.
That's completely unacceptable behaviour.

I'm ashamed to say that my ex was like this too (though not quite as bad) and I was unhappy for 3 of the 5 years we were together. In the end, I left one night when she went mad because I had been out with friends. I came home to find a brick through the glass in the hall door and the kitchen furniture broken up and thrown out in the front garden. I actually feared for mine and my dog's life. I remember grabbing my dog and running upstairs and locking myself in the bedroom, calling my Dad and saying "can you come get me" - that was all I had to say and he was there, no questions asked. I guess he must have seen what was coming. The twenty minute wait for him to arrive was terrifying. I had to go back downstairs and pretend to apologise and clear up the mess, and try to keep my ex calm so she wouldn't suspect anything, and then just leave when my Dad arrived. Maybe its me. I'm not blaming myself for unreasonable behavior but perhaps that is what I attract and facilitate.

Fakediamond · 05-07-2016 06:42PM

When you are safe and have had a chance to "deprogramme" her narrative, you'll have time for self-examination, to ensure it never happens to you again. I find its more about self-awareness, than self-blame.

I find the following simple motto, "if it seems too good to be true, it is too good to be true", to work very well in screening out the nutters from the nice!

Sound Bite · 05-07-2016 07:36PM

Op, you've said it yourself that she ticks most of boxes when it comes to the signs of abuse which was posted earlier.

Change is often difficult even if it will bring greater happiness, calmness and normality to your life but it's clear that you know what you have to do. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship before, you can do it again.

Focus on yourself and what makes you happy for the next few months. I recognise your username from other threads, you've always cone across as a very grounded poster...you know the advice you would give if you had to reply to someone else in your position.

Big Bag of Chips · 05-07-2016 07:57PM

Unfortunately ONW, if you're generally a nice person, and like to accommodate others and don't kick up much of a fuss then sometimes people take advantage of that. I'd guess your gf didn't start off the first night you went out, screaming at you to come home? Maybe she asked you to come home at such a time, because she wanted to make sure you got home safe, or because she missed you, or whatever other subtle excuse... And you came home. So bit by bit as she'd ask, you'd oblige, she grew to expect and demand.

Maybe with both exes?

But.... Their subsequent behaviour is ALL on them, and no reflection on you. Most people in a relationship, as you are reading here, are fine with their partners having a social life outside of them. I used to LOVE nights when my partner went off and left me at home, eating rubbish and watching telly! I'd drop him out, and pre kids days I'd go collect him at whatever unGodly hour he rang!! You were just unlucky to find two self absorbed, entitled, abusive women. You know not everyone is like that. You know the majority of people are happy to have a genuine partner who would happily do as much for them as they would for you.

I hope you're ok. I hope you're stating to put the wheels in motion to get the hell out of there. It will never get better. At least not with you. She may learn from these mistakes and be better in her next relationship, but the dynamic is already set in your relationship. She won't give that up without a fight! Literally!!

Is it worth it? Is she worth it?

OldNotWIse · 06-07-2016 04:15PM

I don't think I am that nice a person! But when it comes to romantic love some of us can be head cases I suppose. I certainly wouldn't tolerate her behavior from a friend or family member, yet I allow her to carry on as she pleases. I find that the more she tries to control me, the further away from her I drift. In the beginning, her behavior saddened and worried me, and I'd end up pretending I was at fault and apologizing and begging her not to leave. I see now that that gave her power and fuelled her to keep going and get worse and worse. Now however, her behavior is unpleasant and annoying, but I certainly wouldn't be losing sleep over it or worrying that she might leave. If she wanted to leave she would have left by now?!

I feel more distant from her all the time and find myself going down a road that I shouldn't be, with someone else who seems to be everything that she is not. Kind and caring and attentive and would do anything for me (and does!). I don't want to be that person, and I certainly don't have much time for people who are unfaithful and then say, "I was pushed into it" or "I was trying to fill an emotional gap" etc. but I can see how it happens. When someone is right in front of you and they are everything that your partner is not and they go out of their way not to hurt you, and to help you and listen and be everything your partner should be, it's so tempting. But I hate the thought of being that person. Part of me wants to say, "do you see what's happening, you're pushing me away!"

Big Bag of Chips · 06-07-2016 04:20PM

Why don't you end it and be with the other person? You know that's the kind of relationship you want, but it's not the relationship you have. So why stay in a really very unpleasant situation, that doesn't seem to be much fun for either of you instead of going after the kind of relationship you actually do want.

Finish it with her and start fresh with the other one. By doing anything else you become the bad guy, and the reason for the break up.

And you confirm to her that she was right all along to not trust you.....

batmanrobin · 06-07-2016 04:37PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why don't you end it and be with the other person? You know that's the kind of relationship you want, but it's not the relationship you have. So why stay in a really very unpleasant situation, that doesn't seem to be much fun for either of you instead of going after the kind of relationship you actually do want.

Finish it with her and start fresh with the other one. By doing anything else you become the bad guy, and the reason for the break up.

And you confirm to her that she was right all along to not trust you.....

I second this.

You need to sort out your house, OP.

Before you get involved with anyone else you need to end the incredibly unhealthy relationship you're in. Otherwise you'll just drag all that baggage with you.

OldNotWIse · 06-07-2016 04:37PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why don't you end it and be with the other person? You know that's the kind of relationship you want, but it's not the relationship you have. So why stay in a really very unpleasant situation, that doesn't seem to be much fun for either of you instead of going after the kind of relationship you actually do want.

Finish it with her and start fresh with the other one. By doing anything else you become the bad guy, and the reason for the break up.

And you confirm to her that she was right all along to not trust you.....

I want to avoid a situation of out of the frying pan and into the fire. I think being alone would be better for a time. To actually get to know myself and what I want. Otherwise no relationship in the future will ever work out. My head is melted trying to figure out my choices. The other person is male, which adds to my confusion

batmanrobin · 06-07-2016 04:41PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I want to avoid a situation of out of the frying pan and into the fire. I think being alone would be better for a time. To actually get to know myself and what I want. Otherwise no relationship in the future will ever work out. My head is melted trying to figure out my choices. The other person is male, which adds to my confusion

Forget about anyone else. You say this is your second bad relationship. Then do take the time by yourself for a good few months. You might find you're actually not interested in this guy if you give yourself some time to clear your head.

Big Bag of Chips · 06-07-2016 04:42PM

Just to say... If you care for both of them, and I assume you do, you'd do this properly.

I'm sure you care about your partner now, and ultimately would like her to be happy. That's why you've stuck it out for so long. In order for her to be happy in future relationships she needs to be aware of her mistakes now. End it by cheating on her, and she will learn nothing. And she'll most likely carry on the same in her next relationship.

Cheating on her with the other person, is intentionally putting that person in the path of your partner's wrath. I doubt you want that!!!

Edit: I've just seen your last post. Obviously you are attracted to this person, because they are offering you everything that you are craving from your partner. Being alone is a good idea. You say your head is melted from your choices? I'd say, first very easy choice is getting out of a relationship that is doing you no good. After that you can start thinking about other choices.

OldNotWIse · 06-07-2016 04:44PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just to say... If you care for both of them, and I assume you do, you'd do this properly.

I'm sure you care about your partner now, and ultimately would like her to be happy. That's why you've stuck it out for so long. In order for her to be happy in future relationships she needs to be aware of her mistakes now. End it by cheating on her, and she will learn nothing. And she'll most likely carry on the same in her next relationship.

Cheating on her with the other person, is intentionally putting that person in the path of your partner's wrath. I doubt you want that!!!

I hadn't thought about that!

Ursus Horribilis · 06-07-2016 05:07PM

Have you ever heard the saying "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time". I think that before you do anything about this guy, sort out your home situation first. It looks like your relationship with your girlfriend is one that you're better off out of. So take care of that first and stay safe.

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 10:51AM

Another session last night. I went out with some people from work. I know it wasn't planned but we finished a major project and senior management brought us out to celebrate. I really hate turning these offers down as I think they are good for building employee relations and actually getting to know your managers. Anyway, the texts started at around 8, you said you wouldn't be late....I am stuck here by myself....you are so selfish...I fúcking hate you etc. Now the Grinch is not talking to me

/

I was so upset that the guy mentioned above came in to have a drink with us and then took me home (to mine, I hasten to add!) He's always there when I need him

SarahMollie · 08-07-2016 10:59AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Another session last night. I went out with some people from work. I know it wasn't planned but we finished a major project and senior management brought us out to celebrate. I really hate turning these offers down as I think they are good for building employee relations and actually getting to know your managers. Anyway, the texts started at around 8, you said you wouldn't be late....I am stuck here by myself....you are so selfish...I fúcking hate you etc. Now the Grinch is not talking to me /

OP, is it possible that theres a pair of you in it at this point? From what you've said above it sounds like you just decided to head out and didn't communicate that fact.

I know if I was to not come home as expected, I'd at least text my OH to let him know I'd be late. We all get unexpectedly delayed for various reasons from time to time, and that in itself is no big deal, but its just common courtesy to let the person you live with know your whereabouts. What if she was waiting for you to have dinner etc?

I'm not saying that the vitriolic responses from her are justified (they're not - at all), but in a relationship you have to show consideration or the other person will get annoyed.

You call her a Grinch and she says she hates you- is it possible that this situation has gone beyond the point of no return? Someone really needs to just call it a day.

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 11:22AM

SarahMollie wrote: »

OP, is it possible that theres a pair of you in it at this point? From what you've said above it sounds like you just decided to head out and didn't communicate that fact.

I know if I was to not come home as expected, I'd at least text my OH to let him know I'd be late. We all get unexpectedly delayed for various reasons from time to time, and that in itself is no big deal, but its just common courtesy to let the person you live with know your whereabouts. What if she was waiting for you to have dinner etc?

I'm not saying that the vitriolic responses from her are justified (they're not - at all), but in a relationship you have to show consideration or the other person will get annoyed.

You call her a Grinch and she says she hates you- is it possible that this situation has gone beyond the point of no return? Someone really needs to just call it a day.

I did communicate to her though. And no, dinner ready would be a fairytale :P

SB_Part2 · 08-07-2016 11:25AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Another session last night. I went out with some people from work. I know it wasn't planned but we finished a major project and senior management brought us out to celebrate. I really hate turning these offers down as I think they are good for building employee relations and actually getting to know your managers. Anyway, the texts started at around 8, you said you wouldn't be late....I am stuck here by myself....you are so selfish...I fúcking hate you etc. Now the Grinch is not talking to me /
I was so upset that the guy mentioned above came in to have a drink with us and then took me home (to mine, I hasten to add!) He's always there when I need him

Ok I kinda thought she was a bit mental from your first post but this kinda sheds a bit more light on it. She was waiting for you. Maybe she planned dinner? Maybe she planned to watch telly with you? Maybe she'd have gone out herself if she didn't know you were coming home until late?

There is a pair of you in it. You should have communicated it better to her that you'd be home late. Do you often have these late night sessions at the last minute?

Her texts were out of line but so is calling her a grinch. Break up with her if you're going to be calling her names.

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 11:29AM

SB_Part2 wrote: »

Ok I kinda thought she was a bit mental from your first post but this kinda sheds a bit more light on it. She was waiting for you. Maybe she planned dinner? Maybe she planned to watch telly with you? Maybe she'd have gone out herself if she didn't know you were coming home until late?

There is a pair of you in it. You should have communicated it better to her that you'd be home late. Do you often have these late night sessions at the last minute?

Her texts were out of line but so is calling her a grinch. Break up with her if you're going to be calling her names.

How does one communicate "better" - we either communicate it or we don't. She was actually fine when I called and told her initially, but once it got to 8pm she started getting nasty.

ChampagnePop · 08-07-2016 11:32AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

How does one communicate "better" - we either communicate it or we don't. She was actually fine when I called and told her initially, but once it got to 8pm she started getting nasty.

What did you tell her? Its not clear what happened

SB_Part2 · 08-07-2016 11:33AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

How does one communicate "better" - we either communicate it or we don't. She was actually fine when I called and told her initially, but once it got to 8pm she started getting nasty.

Ok so what happened at 8pm? Were you texting her? or did she just start randomly texting you? Did you tell her what time you'd be home at? or was she under the assumption you'd be home by 8?

SarahMollie · 08-07-2016 11:35AM

OK well your first post about last night didnt mention anything about telling her your plans - just that you went out and then abusive texts started later in the night.

If you called her as soon as you knew you wouldnt be coming home, IMO thats reasonable. Is there a chance you minimized it to give her the impression you'd only be an hour or two late? Instead of her knowing it was going to be a late night thing?

If you told her something to the effect of "Hey X, we're being taken out to celebrate tonight, could be a late one. Sorry for the late notice but don't wait up" then yes, she's off her rocker.

Jealous Partner

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