Jealous Partner

OldNotWIse

Partner of 5 years is becoming increasingly jealous and possessive and I feel like I am reaching my limit on how much I can actually take. Normal stuff will set my partner off - even going for a few drinks after work with some of the guys from the office, or friends from college. She does what I believe is commonly known as "gaslighting" - creating an issue where there is none in order to have a good rant, when we all know the bottom line is simply "I am píssed that you went out without me. I am insecure. I want you to stay at home all the time". What also angers me are the double standards - its ok for her to go out and get hammered, and she'll fall home at 1 or 2 in the morning. If I go out, its last bus or even the one before. I try not to give in to the incessant messaging of "where are you" and the calls, but eventually it just spoils the evening so much that I go home anyway.

Same thing last night. I got lifted out of it for daring to go out with college friends and apparently I was lying because I had "said I was going with workmates" (I know I didn't say this). Then there was "you knew about this all week and are only telling me now" (why would I do that and what difference does it make??). So when I got home there was the screaming and crying, and now today there is stonewalling. Phone off, ignoring messages etc. This is the "punishment" phase.

On the face of it, (and certainly if I read this post from someone else) I'd tell them to cop on and leave, but for some reason I find it difficult to make that jump. Am I deluded in thinking things might change? I find that the usually prescribed method of dealing with such behavior (ignoring the tantrum and not bowing down to her) just makes her worse, but I don't feel like I need to justify my actions if I am doing nothing wrong.

Do people like this ever change? And how does one find the courage to up and leave?

SarahMollie

You mention that she's becoming more jealous recently... so has she always been like this and its getting worse or is this a relatively new occurrence?

If its gotten worse lately, is there something thats triggered this? Has something happened that weakened the trust in your relationship?

racso1975

OldNotWIse wrote: »

On the face of it, (and certainly if I read this post from someone else) I'd tell them to cop on and leave, but for some reason I find it difficult to make that jump. Am I deluded in thinking things might change? I find that the usually prescribed method of dealing with such behavior (ignoring the tantrum and not bowing down to her) just makes her worse, but I don't feel like I need to justify my actions if I am doing nothing wrong.

Do people like this ever change? And how does one find the courage to up and leave?

You don't and you shouldn't. The only way this will change is if you stop going out. However you say normal things set her off and then focus the rest of the op on nights out and last night, presumably cause its fresh in your head.

If she is escalating this behaviour and it is covering all things then she is either A) not happy and taking it out on you or wants you to be completely subservient to her.

Do you think you can sit down and talk to her about it? Do you think she will change or do you see it ending in another argument.

I suspect you have a serious uphill battle if you want to save the relationship particularly if she is doing silly things like stonewalling the next day. Again a control thing. She engages on her terms and when she wants and also gets to judge your response from the texts while at the same time getting off on a response

FineAle

If i was you OP, I'd be hitting the road. That would drive me bonkers, and it's certainly not a right of passage to live with for future years.

sadie1502

Has something happened to cause this. Has some in the past triggered this behaviour?

Conor Bourke

You mention the double standard- is there any possibility that she's playing away and is redirecting things back on you to deflect suspicion/blame?

Augme

Your girlfriend has all the traits of an abusive partner and what's happening to you is that you are being abused. Her changing is possible but it's very very difficult. She will need to accept she has a problem and then a lot of counselling. Those are both very unlikely to happen though.

I'd start preparing to break up and get a plan in place for when you do it. If you live together start finding somewhere else to stay now so you'll be able and ready to move out asap. Get all of those details finalised first and then break up with her.

ellie1

Don't text her. Don't attempt to contact her in anyway. Go about your business as normal. Go out tonight if you feel like it. This behaviour of hers must have worked in the past and the fact that you make sure and get the last bus or the one before etc is evidence of how manipulated you are. If she wishes to have a grown up normal conversation have one otherwise carry on regardless...if she is insecure and you have in some way contributed to this (ie cheating etc) then so be it... If not you are not responsible for making her feel secure , that's an issue she needs to work on.

nikkibikki

Have a chat with her when things calm down and explain to her that this can't continue and if it does, the relationship is in serious jeopardy.

OldNotWIse

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes tbh it is not a recent thing. I suppose initially I confused the possession with love. It wasn't always as bad as it is now. I thought it was sweet that she would be annoyed if she thought someone else was hitting on me, and I enjoyed the attention and all the constant messages and calls. I can't quite put my finger on when it went from that to screaming at me for having three drinks with friends. When I look back, I don't know when everything changed.

I suppose it's possible she is playing away but I think its more likely she is just trying to control me more and more. Sometimes when she screams at me I feel my legs going to jelly, I'm not used to that. I didn't grow up in a house where shouting was the norm, and whereas we had fights like any normal family, we never engaged in stonewalling and the "silent treatment". In fact I have told her many times (when she is calm) that the one thing I hate the most even more than shouting is the silent treatment, yet she still does it.

Augme

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I suppose it's possible she is playing away but I think its more likely she is just trying to control me more and more. Sometimes when she screams at me I feel my legs going to jelly, I'm not used to that. I didn't grow up in a house where shouting was the norm, and whereas we had fights like any normal family, we never engaged in stonewalling and the "silent treatment". In fact I have told her many times (when she is calm) that the one thing I hate the most even more than shouting is the silent treatment, yet she still does it.

That's probably exactly why she does.

Ursus Horribilis

How often does she scream at you? Are you scared of her?

SarahMollie

OK fair enough OP, TBH it sounds to me like you know what you need to do but you're just not 100% there yet to actually follow through.

There was a poster on here a few months ago, about how his wife suddenly was blowing up at him for no reason, how he was so put upon, didnt we all agree that she was so out of line etc.......oh and in the last paragraph he just casually slipped in how she'd recently found out that he'd been unfaithful. Facepalm to say the least.

This sounds a lot more insidious and the fact that theres no apparent incident to attribute this behavior to leaves me to think this is just in her nature. I do think people can change, but thats on her to do in her next relationship if she has the sense to learn from her mistakes. With you, once this dynamic has been established then I don't believe theres any going back.

Dial Hard

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes tbh it is not a recent thing. I suppose initially I confused the possession with love. It wasn't always as bad as it is now. I thought it was sweet that she would be annoyed if she thought someone else was hitting on me, and I enjoyed the attention and all the constant messages and calls.

Is this your first "proper" relationship, by any chance?

Ignatius in bloom

Take it from someone that has gone through this and break up as they wont change while in a relationship as it goes beyond normality and reason. People like that only reflect when single and thinking why they can't succeed in relationships and even then most don't change.

Big Bag of Chips

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Am I deluded in thinking things might change?

Probably.

Things certainly won't change without effort. So just going about your daily routine doing all the exact same things that you've both always done isn't suddenly going to bring about a change in her. Why would it? She throws a tantrum, you eventually give in and do what she wants/come home/approach her to apologise for upsetting her? She has no reason to change because she's getting everything she wants and the attention and validation from you that she desires.

5 years is a long time to just throw away a relationship. But the rest of your life is a very very long time to live on a leash.

Could you suggest counselling to her? For both of you? Couples counselling. I'd think most couples could benefit from it at some point. And if more couples engaged in it, there might be less dramatic actions than ending an established relationship. She's not going to just suddenly change. So if you'd like to try salvage the relationship then you are the one that is going to have to make some suggestions.

But remember, one person on their own can't work on a relationship. So if she refuses to take her own steps then you're not really left with too many options.

Sunflower 27

Her behaviour is very worrying.

You need to sit her down and tell get to go get help for her clearly irrational behaviour.

There's a saying: if do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

She needs professional help. You appeasing her by coming home early is only making her think she has control.

This is, I am sure you know, a very unhealthy relationship.

Fakediamond

You need to get out, sooner rather than later and as another poster said, you should make a plan, somewhere to go, a bit of money put by, etc and then leave. Be careful though, because it might get ugly. And don't go back - ever, no matter the pleas and promises, you'll regret it.

I would suggest you read up on personality disorders, you may find some of the information helps to explain her behaviour.

Why would you put yourself through another day of such jealous,possessive, controlling behaviour? Your life would just become more narrow and miserable, not to mention the effect on any poor children you might have..

You know all this already, you just need that final push to go, do it before your confidence and self-esteem is so eroded that you will be paralysed by indecision and think that this is what you deserve.

Sapphire

It's really not a healthy relationship, ONW.

The pressure being put on you to modify your behaviour to prevent moods or arguments is something that is usually described by Women's aid as abusive. Emotional Abuse, to be exact. And the standard advice from those experts is that you cant fix people like this. You cant fix this relationship, and typically this kind of behaviour does not improve but generally gets worse.

Read up on emotional abuse. You might find that there are actually more areas of your relationship that are red flags for this kind of thing but you haven't realised it yet.

jennyhayes123

I am with my husband 15 years. If either of us ever goes out it is no hassle with the other one.
I would hate for him to be fussing if I was going out and if he mentioned going out i would encourage him..
Your gf is a bully. You would be better off single than listening to that

OldNotWIse

Dial Hard wrote: »

Is this your first "proper" relationship, by any chance?

um no

OldNotWIse

I have a video of her screaming the night in question. I was just sitting at the table and it looked like I was messing with my phone as she was banging on but I actually recorded her. I was thinking about showing it back to her so that she sees what she is really like, but I am afraid it might set her off again. Knowing her she would blame me and say that my behavior necessitated her reaction, as usual

jennyhayes123

Show her so she sees how crazy she is and if she does react badly ask yourself is this how you want to live the rest of your life

LegacyUser

This is going to be very direct but I think myself based on what you've said that I'm right in what I say.

Speaking from my own past relationships and those of my friends, it's as simple as this: Some women (and men in fact but I'm speaking as a man) are just mental when it comes to relationships. They might be perfectly normal in other walks of life but when it comes to relationships logic just goes out the window and they become jealous psychopaths, it's nothing to do with you, she'd be the same with anyone else. Some women are just like that but most, thankfully, are just rational people that won't react the way your girlfriend is.

As a man who has been with both kinds of women I can assure you being with the second kind, is a far more enjoyable experience.

In my own experience and what I have observed, she won't change, in fact if anything it's probably worse she'll get. If you can handle essentially just being on a leash for the rest of your days and constantly fighting over nothing, then stay with her. Otherwise get out of there.

SarahMollie

OP, this relationship is disfunctional on so many levels. Its not great to be videoing your OH without her knowledge, but equally not great to feel as if thats your only option.

If my OH says says he's going out with his mates, my only response is " do you need a lift?"

I'm well aware that I'm not his keeper, nor do I want to be.

IMO, thats normal, what you're describing is not.

OldNotWIse

Thanks guys, I have a feeling it might be ultimatum time!

Keane2baMused

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I have a video of her screaming the night in question. I was just sitting at the table and it looked like I was messing with my phone as she was banging on but I actually recorded her. I was thinking about showing it back to her so that she sees what she is really like, but I am afraid it might set her off again. Knowing her she would blame me and say that my behavior necessitated her reaction, as usual

OP sometimes (not always just to stress) there is no smoke without fire.

How is your relationship otherwise with this girl? How often do you go on dates or spend time alone together that is instigated by you?

Are you genuinely open and honest with her or do you find yourself telling tales just to try and keep the peace?

Taltos

ONW - sorry but you're beyond that stage... Personally I think you are now at the calling it a time day or as I like to say "the taxi to your folks is outside with your bags. Key please!"

cazzer22

jennyhayes123 wrote: »

I am with my husband 15 years. If either of us ever goes out it is no hassle with the other one.
I would hate for him to be fussing if I was going out and if he mentioned going out i would encourage him..
Your gf is a bully. You would be better off single than listening to that

I would be the same telling him to go out and stuff and encouraging him and also try not to contact him if he's with friends and he can get onto me if he wishes.
Both people in the relationship should be able to do what they want, when they want. Bang on.

OldNotWIse

cazzer22 wrote: »

I would be the same telling him to go out and stuff and encouraging him and also try not to contact him if he's with friends and he can get onto me if he wishes.
Both people in the relationship should be able to do what they want, when they want. Bang on.

That would be like a foreign concept for my OH.

cazzer22

OldNotWIse wrote: »

That would be like a foreign concept for my OH.

A friend of mine is in the same exact same situation except she's the girlfriend. If it was me, I wouldn't put up with it. It's your life and it's not ok for her to try and control every situation. You are entitled to go out with your friends and shouldn't have to answer to anyone. Is it worth sitting her down and explaining that if her behaviour doesn't change that your are ending the relationship? If she's not even willing to listen to that, then the relationship is over. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible.

OldNotWIse

cazzer22 wrote: »

A friend of mine is in the same exact same situation except she's the girlfriend. If it was me, I wouldn't put up with it. It's your life and it's not ok for her to try and control every situation. You are entitled to go out with your friends and shouldn't have to answer to anyone. Is it worth sitting her down and explaining that if her behaviour doesn't change that your are ending the relationship? If she's not even willing to listen to that, then the relationship is over. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible.

I suppose I am not entirely blameless in the sense that I have facilitated her behavior for a number of years. You get what you tolerate and all that. When things are ok then I have second thoughts about ending it, and think that maybe it's alright now. It never is of course!

OldNotWIse

Keane2baMused wrote: »

OP sometimes (not always just to stress) there is no smoke without fire.

How is your relationship otherwise with this girl? How often do you go on dates or spend time alone together that is instigated by you?

Are you genuinely open and honest with her or do you find yourself telling tales just to try and keep the peace?

I'll be honest I haven't been a poster child for relationships of late either. The past few years have been very difficult as I have been working full time and studying at weekends. Spare time, even just time has been hard to come by. So I can see how she might be feeling slightly abandoned. That said I think most reasonable people would understand if someone is trying to better themselves and be supportive rather than "this is affecting me".

Ursus Horribilis

How often does she go berserk and scream at you? Or blame you?

Fakediamond

Look, the pop psychology explanation is that she is fearful and insecure of losing you and the tighter she controls you, the more likely she is to keep you. Of course the opposite is true and the control is driving you away. She is unable to change this behaviour and will probably get worse. You can advise her to get help but it's likely that she doesn't have the insight to make real change, and will just modify her behaviour for a while, all the time really believing tht it's your fault and if only you wouldn't "push her buttons" (i.e. not doing whatever she decides, however unreasonable), the relationship would be fine.

You are living with a controlling bully and it's up to decide if this is acceptable to you. She can lie and manipulate you forever to hang onto you, but it's not real, the reality is the screaming and controlling behaviour, which will never end. Inform yourself about domestic violence, it's not always physical, emotional abuse is just as destructive. We don't talk about men as victims of DV, but your story, and many more, are just as real as the many female victims.

Good luck.

Ursus Horribilis

Edit: I see from the update from seenitall that the OP is female, not male. I'm not going to change what I typed below - abuse is abuse regardless of gender or sexuality.

You're blaming yourself for not putting your foot down earlier. But why should you have had to do that? Most people wouldn't dream of behaving like your partner in the first place. Another thing to bear in mind is that abuse (this includes emotional abuse, not just physical violence) often escalates over time. I've copied and pasted this from Amen's Website - you might want to have a think about how many of the following apply to you.

What are the signs to look out for ?

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

• feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?

• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

• wonder if you're the one who is crazy?

• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behaviour

Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?

• criticise you and put you down?

• treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

• blame you for her own abusive behaviour?

• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Absusive Behaviour or Threats

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?

• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

• force you to have sex?

• destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behaviour

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?

• control where you go or what you do?

• keep you from seeing your friends or family?

• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

• constantly check up on you?

topmanamillion

I'd be reaching for my coat OP.

You're clearly considering this but hesitant "to make the jump" as you put it.
That's completely unacceptable behaviour.

seenitall

Fakediamond wrote: »

We don't talk about men as victims of DV, but your story, and many more, are just as real as the many female victims.

The OP is female too. (Boards poster of long standing)

Queen-Mise

OldNotWIse wrote:

Do people like this ever change? And how does one find the courage to up and leave?

Of course it is possible for people to change, but it requires a heck of a lot of honesty, soul searching, counselling /relationship counselling.
Without the above then no, it is not possible for people to change.
These kind of behaviours are there for a reason, be it, learnt, childhood stuff, low confidence, etc. Usually people need help to unravel them.

And your second question. This relationship goes one of two ways: it continues on exactly the way it is sometimes worse/sometimes better for as long as the two of you are together. Or the two of you do what I said in first paragraph, it won't get better otherwise.

Rachiee

OP consider calling women's aid just for a chat to help you process the dynamics in the relationship and the difficulty you may feel in making an exit.
A lot of time people feel like Women's Aid have more important cases to deal with and they don't want to trouble them with something so minor if there is no physical violence but they are there to support anyone and would be happy to help. They have a lot of experience in these situations so it's good to talk to someone who understands.
Don't let the fact that it's a same sex relationship put you off either the dynamics of abuse are the same and they will have had sensitivity training for any differences. Good luck

OldNotWIse

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Edit: I see from the update from seenitall that the OP is female, not male. I'm not going to change what I typed below - abuse is abuse regardless of gender or sexuality.

You're blaming yourself for not putting your foot down earlier. But why should you have had to do that? Most people wouldn't dream of behaving like your partner in the first place. Another thing to bear in mind is that abuse (this includes emotional abuse, not just physical violence) often escalates over time. I've copied and pasted this from Amen's Website - you might want to have a think about how many of the following apply to you.

What are the signs to look out for ?

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

• feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?

• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

• wonder if you're the one who is crazy?

• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's Belittling Behaviour

Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?

• criticise you and put you down?

• treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

• blame you for her own abusive behaviour?

• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner's Absusive Behaviour or Threats

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?

• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

• force you to have sex?

• destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's Controlling Behaviour

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?

• control where you go or what you do?

• keep you from seeing your friends or family?

• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

• constantly check up on you?

I find she ticks most of those boxes tbh. Sometimes it seems like its just normal behavior, because she has been like this for so long, I guess I came to accept it as normal. Its only when someone says, "my OH likes to see me going out" or "my OH would offer me a lift" that I realize the stark contrast!

OldNotWIse

topmanamillion wrote: »

I'd be reaching for my coat OP.

You're clearly considering this but hesitant "to make the jump" as you put it.
That's completely unacceptable behaviour.

I'm ashamed to say that my ex was like this too (though not quite as bad) and I was unhappy for 3 of the 5 years we were together. In the end, I left one night when she went mad because I had been out with friends. I came home to find a brick through the glass in the hall door and the kitchen furniture broken up and thrown out in the front garden. I actually feared for mine and my dog's life. I remember grabbing my dog and running upstairs and locking myself in the bedroom, calling my Dad and saying "can you come get me" - that was all I had to say and he was there, no questions asked. I guess he must have seen what was coming. The twenty minute wait for him to arrive was terrifying. I had to go back downstairs and pretend to apologise and clear up the mess, and try to keep my ex calm so she wouldn't suspect anything, and then just leave when my Dad arrived. Maybe its me. I'm not blaming myself for unreasonable behavior but perhaps that is what I attract and facilitate.

Fakediamond

When you are safe and have had a chance to "deprogramme" her narrative, you'll have time for self-examination, to ensure it never happens to you again. I find its more about self-awareness, than self-blame.

I find the following simple motto, "if it seems too good to be true, it is too good to be true", to work very well in screening out the nutters from the nice!

Sound Bite

Op, you've said it yourself that she ticks most of boxes when it comes to the signs of abuse which was posted earlier.

Change is often difficult even if it will bring greater happiness, calmness and normality to your life but it's clear that you know what you have to do. You were strong enough to leave an abusive relationship before, you can do it again.

Focus on yourself and what makes you happy for the next few months. I recognise your username from other threads, you've always cone across as a very grounded poster...you know the advice you would give if you had to reply to someone else in your position.

Big Bag of Chips

Unfortunately ONW, if you're generally a nice person, and like to accommodate others and don't kick up much of a fuss then sometimes people take advantage of that. I'd guess your gf didn't start off the first night you went out, screaming at you to come home? Maybe she asked you to come home at such a time, because she wanted to make sure you got home safe, or because she missed you, or whatever other subtle excuse... And you came home. So bit by bit as she'd ask, you'd oblige, she grew to expect and demand.

Maybe with both exes?

But.... Their subsequent behaviour is ALL on them, and no reflection on you. Most people in a relationship, as you are reading here, are fine with their partners having a social life outside of them. I used to LOVE nights when my partner went off and left me at home, eating rubbish and watching telly! I'd drop him out, and pre kids days I'd go collect him at whatever unGodly hour he rang!! You were just unlucky to find two self absorbed, entitled, abusive women. You know not everyone is like that. You know the majority of people are happy to have a genuine partner who would happily do as much for them as they would for you.

I hope you're ok. I hope you're stating to put the wheels in motion to get the hell out of there. It will never get better. At least not with you. She may learn from these mistakes and be better in her next relationship, but the dynamic is already set in your relationship. She won't give that up without a fight! Literally!!

Is it worth it? Is she worth it?

OldNotWIse

I don't think I am that nice a person! But when it comes to romantic love some of us can be head cases I suppose. I certainly wouldn't tolerate her behavior from a friend or family member, yet I allow her to carry on as she pleases. I find that the more she tries to control me, the further away from her I drift. In the beginning, her behavior saddened and worried me, and I'd end up pretending I was at fault and apologizing and begging her not to leave. I see now that that gave her power and fuelled her to keep going and get worse and worse. Now however, her behavior is unpleasant and annoying, but I certainly wouldn't be losing sleep over it or worrying that she might leave. If she wanted to leave she would have left by now?!

I feel more distant from her all the time and find myself going down a road that I shouldn't be, with someone else who seems to be everything that she is not. Kind and caring and attentive and would do anything for me (and does!). I don't want to be that person, and I certainly don't have much time for people who are unfaithful and then say, "I was pushed into it" or "I was trying to fill an emotional gap" etc. but I can see how it happens. When someone is right in front of you and they are everything that your partner is not and they go out of their way not to hurt you, and to help you and listen and be everything your partner should be, it's so tempting. But I hate the thought of being that person. Part of me wants to say, "do you see what's happening, you're pushing me away!"

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you end it and be with the other person? You know that's the kind of relationship you want, but it's not the relationship you have. So why stay in a really very unpleasant situation, that doesn't seem to be much fun for either of you instead of going after the kind of relationship you actually do want.

Finish it with her and start fresh with the other one. By doing anything else you become the bad guy, and the reason for the break up.

And you confirm to her that she was right all along to not trust you.....

batmanrobin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why don't you end it and be with the other person? You know that's the kind of relationship you want, but it's not the relationship you have. So why stay in a really very unpleasant situation, that doesn't seem to be much fun for either of you instead of going after the kind of relationship you actually do want.

Finish it with her and start fresh with the other one. By doing anything else you become the bad guy, and the reason for the break up.

And you confirm to her that she was right all along to not trust you.....

I second this.

You need to sort out your house, OP.

Before you get involved with anyone else you need to end the incredibly unhealthy relationship you're in. Otherwise you'll just drag all that baggage with you.

OldNotWIse

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why don't you end it and be with the other person? You know that's the kind of relationship you want, but it's not the relationship you have. So why stay in a really very unpleasant situation, that doesn't seem to be much fun for either of you instead of going after the kind of relationship you actually do want.

Finish it with her and start fresh with the other one. By doing anything else you become the bad guy, and the reason for the break up.

And you confirm to her that she was right all along to not trust you.....

I want to avoid a situation of out of the frying pan and into the fire. I think being alone would be better for a time. To actually get to know myself and what I want. Otherwise no relationship in the future will ever work out. My head is melted trying to figure out my choices. The other person is male, which adds to my confusion

batmanrobin

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I want to avoid a situation of out of the frying pan and into the fire. I think being alone would be better for a time. To actually get to know myself and what I want. Otherwise no relationship in the future will ever work out. My head is melted trying to figure out my choices. The other person is male, which adds to my confusion

Forget about anyone else. You say this is your second bad relationship. Then do take the time by yourself for a good few months. You might find you're actually not interested in this guy if you give yourself some time to clear your head.

Big Bag of Chips

Just to say... If you care for both of them, and I assume you do, you'd do this properly.

I'm sure you care about your partner now, and ultimately would like her to be happy. That's why you've stuck it out for so long. In order for her to be happy in future relationships she needs to be aware of her mistakes now. End it by cheating on her, and she will learn nothing. And she'll most likely carry on the same in her next relationship.

Cheating on her with the other person, is intentionally putting that person in the path of your partner's wrath. I doubt you want that!!!

Edit: I've just seen your last post. Obviously you are attracted to this person, because they are offering you everything that you are craving from your partner. Being alone is a good idea. You say your head is melted from your choices? I'd say, first very easy choice is getting out of a relationship that is doing you no good. After that you can start thinking about other choices.