Jealous Partner

OldNotWIse · 01-07-2016 01:40PM #1

Partner of 5 years is becoming increasingly jealous and possessive and I feel like I am reaching my limit on how much I can actually take. Normal stuff will set my partner off - even going for a few drinks after work with some of the guys from the office, or friends from college. She does what I believe is commonly known as "gaslighting" - creating an issue where there is none in order to have a good rant, when we all know the bottom line is simply "I am píssed that you went out without me. I am insecure. I want you to stay at home all the time". What also angers me are the double standards - its ok for her to go out and get hammered, and she'll fall home at 1 or 2 in the morning. If I go out, its last bus or even the one before. I try not to give in to the incessant messaging of "where are you" and the calls, but eventually it just spoils the evening so much that I go home anyway.

Same thing last night. I got lifted out of it for daring to go out with college friends and apparently I was lying because I had "said I was going with workmates" (I know I didn't say this). Then there was "you knew about this all week and are only telling me now" (why would I do that and what difference does it make??). So when I got home there was the screaming and crying, and now today there is stonewalling. Phone off, ignoring messages etc. This is the "punishment" phase.

On the face of it, (and certainly if I read this post from someone else) I'd tell them to cop on and leave, but for some reason I find it difficult to make that jump. Am I deluded in thinking things might change? I find that the usually prescribed method of dealing with such behavior (ignoring the tantrum and not bowing down to her) just makes her worse, but I don't feel like I need to justify my actions if I am doing nothing wrong.

Do people like this ever change? And how does one find the courage to up and leave?

SarahMollie · 01-07-2016 01:50PM

You mention that she's becoming more jealous recently... so has she always been like this and its getting worse or is this a relatively new occurrence?

If its gotten worse lately, is there something thats triggered this? Has something happened that weakened the trust in your relationship?

racso1975 · 01-07-2016 01:51PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

On the face of it, (and certainly if I read this post from someone else) I'd tell them to cop on and leave, but for some reason I find it difficult to make that jump. Am I deluded in thinking things might change? I find that the usually prescribed method of dealing with such behavior (ignoring the tantrum and not bowing down to her) just makes her worse, but I don't feel like I need to justify my actions if I am doing nothing wrong.

Do people like this ever change? And how does one find the courage to up and leave?

You don't and you shouldn't. The only way this will change is if you stop going out. However you say normal things set her off and then focus the rest of the op on nights out and last night, presumably cause its fresh in your head.

If she is escalating this behaviour and it is covering all things then she is either A) not happy and taking it out on you or

wants you to be completely subservient to her.

Do you think you can sit down and talk to her about it? Do you think she will change or do you see it ending in another argument.

I suspect you have a serious uphill battle if you want to save the relationship particularly if she is doing silly things like stonewalling the next day. Again a control thing. She engages on her terms and when she wants and also gets to judge your response from the texts while at the same time getting off on a response

FineAle · 01-07-2016 01:51PM

If i was you OP, I'd be hitting the road. That would drive me bonkers, and it's certainly not a right of passage to live with for future years.

sadie1502 · 01-07-2016 01:54PM

Has something happened to cause this. Has some in the past triggered this behaviour?

Conor Bourke · 01-07-2016 01:55PM

You mention the double standard- is there any possibility that she's playing away and is redirecting things back on you to deflect suspicion/blame?

Augme · 01-07-2016 02:47PM

Your girlfriend has all the traits of an abusive partner and what's happening to you is that you are being abused. Her changing is possible but it's very very difficult. She will need to accept she has a problem and then a lot of counselling. Those are both very unlikely to happen though.

I'd start preparing to break up and get a plan in place for when you do it. If you live together start finding somewhere else to stay now so you'll be able and ready to move out asap. Get all of those details finalised first and then break up with her.

ellie1 · 01-07-2016 03:30PM

Don't text her. Don't attempt to contact her in anyway. Go about your business as normal. Go out tonight if you feel like it. This behaviour of hers must have worked in the past and the fact that you make sure and get the last bus or the one before etc is evidence of how manipulated you are. If she wishes to have a grown up normal conversation have one otherwise carry on regardless...if she is insecure and you have in some way contributed to this (ie cheating etc) then so be it... If not you are not responsible for making her feel secure , that's an issue she needs to work on.

nikkibikki · 01-07-2016 03:32PM

Have a chat with her when things calm down and explain to her that this can't continue and if it does, the relationship is in serious jeopardy.

OldNotWIse · 01-07-2016 04:09PM

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes tbh it is not a recent thing. I suppose initially I confused the possession with love. It wasn't always as bad as it is now. I thought it was sweet that she would be annoyed if she thought someone else was hitting on me, and I enjoyed the attention and all the constant messages and calls. I can't quite put my finger on when it went from that to screaming at me for having three drinks with friends. When I look back, I don't know when everything changed.

I suppose it's possible she is playing away but I think its more likely she is just trying to control me more and more. Sometimes when she screams at me I feel my legs going to jelly, I'm not used to that. I didn't grow up in a house where shouting was the norm, and whereas we had fights like any normal family, we never engaged in stonewalling and the "silent treatment". In fact I have told her many times (when she is calm) that the one thing I hate the most even more than shouting is the silent treatment, yet she still does it.

Augme · 01-07-2016 04:20PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I suppose it's possible she is playing away but I think its more likely she is just trying to control me more and more. Sometimes when she screams at me I feel my legs going to jelly, I'm not used to that. I didn't grow up in a house where shouting was the norm, and whereas we had fights like any normal family, we never engaged in stonewalling and the "silent treatment". In fact I have told her many times (when she is calm) that the one thing I hate the most even more than shouting is the silent treatment, yet she still does it.

That's probably exactly why she does.

Ursus Horribilis · 01-07-2016 04:25PM

How often does she scream at you? Are you scared of her?

SarahMollie · 01-07-2016 04:30PM

OK fair enough OP, TBH it sounds to me like you know what you need to do but you're just not 100% there yet to actually follow through.

There was a poster on here a few months ago, about how his wife suddenly was blowing up at him for no reason, how he was so put upon, didnt we all agree that she was so out of line etc.......oh and in the last paragraph he just casually slipped in how she'd recently found out that he'd been unfaithful. Facepalm to say the least.

This sounds a lot more insidious and the fact that theres no apparent incident to attribute this behavior to leaves me to think this is just in her nature. I do think people can change, but thats on her to do in her next relationship if she has the sense to learn from her mistakes. With you, once this dynamic has been established then I don't believe theres any going back.

Dial Hard · 01-07-2016 05:11PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes tbh it is not a recent thing. I suppose initially I confused the possession with love. It wasn't always as bad as it is now. I thought it was sweet that she would be annoyed if she thought someone else was hitting on me, and I enjoyed the attention and all the constant messages and calls.

Is this your first "proper" relationship, by any chance?

Ignatius in bloom · 01-07-2016 07:25PM

Take it from someone that has gone through this and break up as they wont change while in a relationship as it goes beyond normality and reason. People like that only reflect when single and thinking why they can't succeed in relationships and even then most don't change.

Big Bag of Chips · 01-07-2016 08:03PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Am I deluded in thinking things might change?

Probably.

Things certainly won't change without effort. So just going about your daily routine doing all the exact same things that you've both always done isn't suddenly going to bring about a change in her. Why would it? She throws a tantrum, you eventually give in and do what she wants/come home/approach her to apologise for upsetting her? She has no reason to change because she's getting everything she wants and the attention and validation from you that she desires.

5 years is a long time to just throw away a relationship. But the rest of your life is a very very long time to live on a leash.

Could you suggest counselling to her? For both of you? Couples counselling. I'd think most couples could benefit from it at some point. And if more couples engaged in it, there might be less dramatic actions than ending an established relationship. She's not going to just suddenly change. So if you'd like to try salvage the relationship then you are the one that is going to have to make some suggestions.

But remember, one person on their own can't work on a relationship. So if she refuses to take her own steps then you're not really left with too many options.

Sunflower 27 · 01-07-2016 08:26PM

Her behaviour is very worrying.

You need to sit her down and tell get to go get help for her clearly irrational behaviour.

There's a saying: if do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

She needs professional help. You appeasing her by coming home early is only making her think she has control.

This is, I am sure you know, a very unhealthy relationship.

Fakediamond · 01-07-2016 09:55PM

You need to get out, sooner rather than later and as another poster said, you should make a plan, somewhere to go, a bit of money put by, etc and then leave. Be careful though, because it might get ugly. And don't go back - ever, no matter the pleas and promises, you'll regret it.

I would suggest you read up on personality disorders, you may find some of the information helps to explain her behaviour.

Why would you put yourself through another day of such jealous,possessive, controlling behaviour? Your life would just become more narrow and miserable, not to mention the effect on any poor children you might have..

You know all this already, you just need that final push to go, do it before your confidence and self-esteem is so eroded that you will be paralysed by indecision and think that this is what you deserve.

Sapphire · 02-07-2016 09:52PM

It's really not a healthy relationship, ONW.

The pressure being put on you to modify your behaviour to prevent moods or arguments is something that is usually described by Women's aid as abusive. Emotional Abuse, to be exact. And the standard advice from those experts is that you cant fix people like this. You cant fix this relationship, and typically this kind of behaviour does not improve but generally gets worse.

Read up on emotional abuse. You might find that there are actually more areas of your relationship that are red flags for this kind of thing but you haven't realised it yet.

jennyhayes123 · 03-07-2016 08:35AM

I am with my husband 15 years. If either of us ever goes out it is no hassle with the other one.
I would hate for him to be fussing if I was going out and if he mentioned going out i would encourage him..
Your gf is a bully. You would be better off single than listening to that

OldNotWIse · 04-07-2016 11:52AM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Is this your first "proper" relationship, by any chance?

um no

OldNotWIse · 04-07-2016 11:56AM

I have a video of her screaming the night in question. I was just sitting at the table and it looked like I was messing with my phone as she was banging on but I actually recorded her. I was thinking about showing it back to her so that she sees what she is really like, but I am afraid it might set her off again. Knowing her she would blame me and say that my behavior necessitated her reaction, as usual

jennyhayes123 · 04-07-2016 12:08PM

Show her so she sees how crazy she is and if she does react badly ask yourself is this how you want to live the rest of your life

LegacyUser · 04-07-2016 02:55PM

This is going to be very direct but I think myself based on what you've said that I'm right in what I say.

Speaking from my own past relationships and those of my friends, it's as simple as this: Some women (and men in fact but I'm speaking as a man) are just mental when it comes to relationships. They might be perfectly normal in other walks of life but when it comes to relationships logic just goes out the window and they become jealous psychopaths, it's nothing to do with you, she'd be the same with anyone else. Some women are just like that but most, thankfully, are just rational people that won't react the way your girlfriend is.

As a man who has been with both kinds of women I can assure you being with the second kind, is a far more enjoyable experience.

In my own experience and what I have observed, she won't change, in fact if anything it's probably worse she'll get. If you can handle essentially just being on a leash for the rest of your days and constantly fighting over nothing, then stay with her. Otherwise get out of there.

SarahMollie · 04-07-2016 03:15PM

OP, this relationship is disfunctional on so many levels. Its not great to be videoing your OH without her knowledge, but equally not great to feel as if thats your only option.

If my OH says says he's going out with his mates, my only response is " do you need a lift?"

I'm well aware that I'm not his keeper, nor do I want to be.

IMO, thats normal, what you're describing is not.

OldNotWIse · 04-07-2016 03:31PM

Thanks guys, I have a feeling it might be ultimatum time!

Keane2baMused · 04-07-2016 03:36PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I have a video of her screaming the night in question. I was just sitting at the table and it looked like I was messing with my phone as she was banging on but I actually recorded her. I was thinking about showing it back to her so that she sees what she is really like, but I am afraid it might set her off again. Knowing her she would blame me and say that my behavior necessitated her reaction, as usual

OP sometimes (not always just to stress) there is no smoke without fire.

How is your relationship otherwise with this girl? How often do you go on dates or spend time alone together that is instigated by you?

Are you genuinely open and honest with her or do you find yourself telling tales just to try and keep the peace?

Taltos · 04-07-2016 03:37PM

ONW - sorry but you're beyond that stage... Personally I think you are now at the calling it a time day or as I like to say "the taxi to your folks is outside with your bags. Key please!"

cazzer22 · 04-07-2016 04:45PM

jennyhayes123 wrote: »

I am with my husband 15 years. If either of us ever goes out it is no hassle with the other one.
I would hate for him to be fussing if I was going out and if he mentioned going out i would encourage him..
Your gf is a bully. You would be better off single than listening to that

I would be the same telling him to go out and stuff and encouraging him and also try not to contact him if he's with friends and he can get onto me if he wishes.
Both people in the relationship should be able to do what they want, when they want. Bang on.

OldNotWIse · 04-07-2016 04:52PM

cazzer22 wrote: »

I would be the same telling him to go out and stuff and encouraging him and also try not to contact him if he's with friends and he can get onto me if he wishes.
Both people in the relationship should be able to do what they want, when they want. Bang on.

That would be like a foreign concept for my OH.

cazzer22 · 04-07-2016 04:58PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

That would be like a foreign concept for my OH.

A friend of mine is in the same exact same situation except she's the girlfriend. If it was me, I wouldn't put up with it. It's your life and it's not ok for her to try and control every situation. You are entitled to go out with your friends and shouldn't have to answer to anyone. Is it worth sitting her down and explaining that if her behaviour doesn't change that your are ending the relationship? If she's not even willing to listen to that, then the relationship is over. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible.

Jealous Partner

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