Bridesmaids conformity

23-05-2016 2:46am #1

Just wondering how much conformity you'd expect to see with bridesmaids?
Like matching jewellery, matching hairstyle, matching shoes? Would you choose friends/family that looked similar to each other to be your bridesmaids?
Ill be one shortly and I have a feeling my friend is regretting asking me. The other 4 are fairly similar in looks and I'm the odd one out. I'm just really different to them in so many ways. I dont want to get into the ins and outs of it but I'm starting to feel a little bit bad. This is coming from some hints and instructions I've been given on a few things from earrings to hair cuts.

Speedwell · 23-05-2016 4:02am

I would pick people who I cared about enough to have stand next to me as I am being married. I don't care what they look like, because that is NOT what counts. I'm so sick of shallow c*nts who think their "queen for a day" moment gives them a license to abuse others. You are not obliged to change your body (cut your hair, change its color, go on a diet, feel bad about how you look) to suit some entitled little twit's idea of her personal army of clones, no matter how much you care about her.

On the other hand, if her instructions are reasonable and it doesn't cost you anything extra to meet them (for example, "I want all my bridesmaids to wear this dress in this colour" even if it is not your best style or colour), that's OK, even if it's a bit of a hassle, and you should not be oversensitive.

dori_dormer · 23-05-2016 8:02am

For my own wedding each bridesmaid was different, short, tall, big boobs, small boobs , dark hair, light hair. So I picked a dress colour, and length and they got to pick a style they liked from a range of dresses. I gave them all the same jewellry and the only request was that their hair be up ( what they all wanted anyway) and they got given a budget for shoes. So all as comfortable as possible on the day. A lot of this was to accommodate my older sister but it wasn't a big deal.

My sister married 2 years later and we again were all different shapes and sizes. But the dress she picked for everyone was very flattering for all. She went ape **** when I cut my hair so I had to buy extensions so we could all have the same hair style. She again gave us a gift of the same jewellry.

If the bride didn't liked how you looked , and you all looking the same was important to her she wouldn't have picked you. Being a bridesmaid is not generally comfortable. It's not easy to get dresses and hairstyles and shoes that everyone will be happy with either.

baby and crumble · 23-05-2016 9:10am

All my friends are super different shapes and styles, there's really no way you could get the same dress, makeup, hair and jewellery that would suit all 5 of them (two brides, hence more than the usual no of bridesmaids!!). We've picked out a colour scheme for them, but the actual dress, shoes, etc choice is theirs. Likewise the makeup will come from the style of the dresses. Like, not much point putting someone in a 1950's rockabilly style in the same makeup and hair as someone whose dress is really 1920's flapper style! It'd just look bizarre.

I'm still in shock as to some of the questions we've been asked by our bridesmaids- one of them actually APOLOGISED for getting a haircut before we asked her to take part. She was like "I'll grow it back in time, I swear!"

We want our best friends in the world standing with us, not some weird cookie cutter version. I want to look back at photos and go "yep, that's them. Looking like... them." My bridesdude even asked if he needed to shave off his beard. Now, his beard is one of the COOLEST beards ever. He looks like a majestic ginger sea captain. Why on earth would I want him not to look like him? It's so bizarre.

ChampagnePop · 23-05-2016 9:55am

I would expect my bridesmaids to wear the dress I picked, within reason, jewellery, makeup and hair. Fake tan is definitely up for debate, and unless one of the bridesmaids drastically changed her style of hair to something dramatic and unstylable I wouldn't care about a hair cut.

I'll definitely think you should try make sure all your bridemaids are comfortable on the day, but when I was a bridesmaid, bride was the boss and I did what was required!

Speedwell · 23-05-2016 10:00am

"Bridesdude", rofl. Excellent. For my first marriage, I (a woman) had a male "maid of honour", my best friend Todd, a tall, dark Welsh guy with broad shoulders and a glower (though he could be bright and silly when he wanted to be). He wore an excellently tailored suit and a sword. We put him on the program as "honour guard", which seemed more fitting than "man of honour" and echoed "queen's guard". Since my father was not able to attend, Todd accompanied me up the aisle as well as stood next to me in the traditional role. He completely stole the show (and I was proud of him, too). My two other bridesmaids helped me dress, so everyone still got "a piece of the action".

For my second marriage, we gave two Aberdeen registrars a half hour away from desk duties. Suited us fine, they were lovely people.

michellie · 23-05-2016 3:01pm

No, my 3 girls are my sister and best friends. They don't look alike and all 3 are completely different in terms of styles. I specifically picked dresses that can be worn differently and want them to choose their own way of wearing it. I also want them to choose their own different hair styles.

I think the look of bridesmaids being identical looks ridiculous sometimes.

ChampagnePop · 23-05-2016 3:09pm

BuileBeag wrote: »

Just wondering how much conformity you'd expect to see with bridesmaids?
Like matching jewellery, matching hairstyle, matching shoes? Would you choose friends/family that looked similar to each other to be your bridesmaids?
Ill be one shortly and I have a feeling my friend is regretting asking me. The other 4 are fairly similar in looks and I'm the odd one out. I'm just really different to them in so many ways. I dont want to get into the ins and outs of it but I'm starting to feel a little bit bad. This is coming from some hints and instructions I've been given on a few things from earrings to hair cuts.

OP, what's the bride asked of you specifically that's making you uncomfortable?

SarahMollie · 23-05-2016 5:35pm

I'm due to be a BM for the first time next year and I'm hoping we're allowed a bit of leeway. (Bride has hinted that we will) We're very different body types, from flat chested to busty, so i'm hoping we can get something that works for all. All she's said so far is that she's going for winter colours, but shes not even decided on which one, and I think she's being easy going about it so far.

As regards hair and make up, the bride is getting a hairdresser and MUA for us all, so I imagine there will be some uniformity to the look. I plan on just doing what I'm told.

I think if the bride wants hair, make up, tan whatever, and is paying, you just go along with it, its just for one day and its not about you.

I don't think its right that a bride should impose something on you if you've to pay for it yourself, or if it would have a lasting impact, such as a drastic hair cut.

GalwayGirl26 · 23-05-2016 5:41pm

Right, I may be lettig myself into a world of trouble here, but anyway...... I would expect a bridesmaid to wear what I pick out, even if it's not her usual style. Obviously I wouldn't be picking out something very revealing or outlandish, but with a standard bridesmaids dress I wouldn't expect any arguments. Also, if I wanted all bridesmaids to have similar hair and make-up, I wouldn't expect a fight. Now, if they had an issue with any of this, I'd hope they could let me know and we could discuss it and see if it's a ''make or break'' issue.

To be honest, I wouldn't like my bridesmaids to have unnaturally coloured hair/big, colourful tattoos etc. But that's only because none of my close friends/family have that image. Maybe if they did I could see past it, but as is, if my normally conservative friends dyed their hair bright green a month before my wedding, yes, honestly, I'd be a bit put out. I don't think it would look nice in pictures or videos, and it would spoil the look of the bridal party. Am I shallow? Yeah, I am, I don't care.

ChampagnePop · 23-05-2016 6:02pm

Actually my maid of honour has pixi peroxide hair, and regularly goes for neon rinses, is it rude to ask her what hair colour she'll have to I can match the dresses?

tracey turnblad · 23-05-2016 6:10pm

When I got married I let my bridesmaids pick whatever they wanted. I just wanted all the same colour dresses but in the end they all chise the same... They liked it. They picked their own shoes two already had silver so I just bought two more pairs.... I bought jewellery as a present. They got their hair styles in a way that suited them... They all looked stunning and were super comfy in their dresses... This all stemmed from being a bridesmaid my myself FIVE times... And wore dresses (and a matching pair of pink shoes) that I hated...

Mrs OBumble · 23-05-2016 6:13pm

GalwayGirl26 wrote: »

Right, I may be lettig myself into a world of trouble here, but anyway...... I would expect a bridesmaid to wear what I pick out, even if it's not her usual style. ....

Am I shallow? Yeah, I am, I don't care.

Good for you in that you know your own mind

I may not like your attitudes, but I far prefer them to some passive bint who doesn't really mind but then again maybe she does but it's her sister so maybe it doesn't matter but then again it's not her favourite sister so maybe but then her friend would look bad so maybe they sthould all wear a different dress instead but maybe one .... ad-nauseum! You get the drift!

I'm guessing that you won't have any issues, though, because you'd be smart enough to pick bridesmaids who would look good in your preferred colour and style combination.

OP, I cannot understand why no one has just advised you to be up-front with the bride, and clear the air about what she wants, why she's picked you, and if she'd prefer if you stepped aside. Show her that you're woman enough to do whatever is best for her on her day.

baby and crumble · 23-05-2016 6:16pm

GalwayGirl26 wrote: »

Right, I may be lettig myself into a world of trouble here, but anyway...... I would expect a bridesmaid to wear what I pick out, even if it's not her usual style. Obviously I wouldn't be picking out something very revealing or outlandish, but with a standard bridesmaids dress I wouldn't expect any arguments. Also, if I wanted all bridesmaids to have similar hair and make-up, I wouldn't expect a fight. Now, if they had an issue with any of this, I'd hope they could let me know and we could discuss it and see if it's a ''make or break'' issue.

To be honest, I wouldn't like my bridesmaids to have unnaturally coloured hair/big, colourful tattoos etc. But that's only because none of my close friends/family have that image. Maybe if they did I could see past it, but as is, if my normally conservative friends dyed their hair bright green a month before my wedding, yes, honestly, I'd be a bit put out. I don't think it would look nice in pictures or videos, and it would spoil the look of the bridal party. Am I shallow? Yeah, I am, I don't care.

Everyone is different. I guess I can't picture my friends looking "conventional" as we're all total weirdos. I never know what colour hair my best female friend is going to have, or what my mates who do burlesque and bellydance are going to wear at any stage. Even if I wanted to, I'd be fighting a losing battle trying to have a usual looking wedding. And I love the look of tattoos and all that.

Tbh I think it's rude to make demands of people who are taking time to help you with what is essentially a big party that means more to you than them, but that's just me.

05eaftqbrs9jlh · 23-05-2016 7:04pm

GalwayGirl26 wrote:

Right, I may be lettig myself into a world of trouble here, but anyway...... I would expect a bridesmaid to wear what I pick out, even if it's not her usual style. Obviously I wouldn't be picking out something very revealing or outlandish, but with a standard bridesmaids dress I wouldn't expect any arguments. Also, if I wanted all bridesmaids to have similar hair and make-up, I wouldn't expect a fight. Now, if they had an issue with any of this, I'd hope they could let me know and we could discuss it and see if it's a ''make or break'' issue.

To be honest, I wouldn't like my bridesmaids to have unnaturally coloured hair/big, colourful tattoos etc. But that's only because none of my close friends/family have that image. Maybe if they did I could see past it, but as is, if my normally conservative friends dyed their hair bright green a month before my wedding, yes, honestly, I'd be a bit put out. I don't think it would look nice in pictures or videos, and it would spoil the look of the bridal party. Am I shallow? Yeah, I am, I don't care.

Wow, we could never be friends! I'm the complete opposite. I think everyone should be 100% comfortable and free to be themselves and express themselves as they see fit. I would feel really uncomfortable wearing my hair and makeup to someone else's specifications. And I must have surrounded myself with like-minded people, because whenever I've been a bridesmaid, it's never been asked of me.

ChampagnePop · 23-05-2016 7:19pm

I think there two sides to every storey, yes it's selfish of a bride to make her supposed best friend/friends dress and feel uncomfortable just for the sake of a few photos, but I would also think it's a bit selfish not to try and make an effort to make the bride happy if she's not asking too much.

It's all about compromise at the end if the day, you really should be able to sort it out

StripedBoxers · 23-05-2016 7:31pm

I've never been married but have been bridesmaid before and have to say if I was getting married I would probably be the most laid back bride when it comes to what my bridesmaids would wear.

I wouldn't care what style dress, shoes, hair, make-up etc they wanted, colour is the only thing I would choose for the dresses, after that, its up to them what they choose. I would rather let them choose their own dresses etc and make sure they are fully comfortable in what they are wearing.

Gatica · 24-05-2016 9:55am

In a normal wedding I would imagine that the following would be similar across the bridesmaids (though there's no hard and fast rule, it's just what I've observed):

same dress on all bridesmaids
similar style shoes
similar hairstyles, taking into consideration that everyone's got slightly different hair
same accessories like purse or bouquet
similarly done make-up and tan
never noticed the jewellery, but presume anything that stands out too much would be the same too

Personally if I had more than 1 bridesmaid, I'd pick similar dresses, like colour and length but wouldn't mind style as much as long as the girls were happy it suited them and they'd gladly wear it again, and same for shoes, similar colours but not necessarily the same shoes.

I wouldn't know too much about make-up so the whole make-up style thing goes over my head, I would presume they'd just tell the MUA what they wanted, so they looked and felt pretty and comfortable and the hairdresser would do their hair in picked styles but all down or up. Personally I don't like fake tan, but it seems the norm at weddings in Ireland, I wouldn't bother, and if they wanted it they could get it done themselves.

I think skin routine and hair-cut is a bit personal to dictate to someone (unless maybe the girl with the long brown hair decided to have pixie green on the day without telling me. It would just stand out too much for my liking among an otherwise normal enough looking wedding party). I don't have a problem with people with colourful hair, absolutely love the bright pinks and purples, wish I could pull it off, but think it would take me aback on someone on whom I'd never seen it before. At least if it was their normal style you'd already have a picture of them looking like that in your head, rather than getting a bit of a surprise...

psycho-hope · 25-05-2016 8:26pm

Tbh Im not really bothered Id like the girls to wear the same style dress but since they are both completely different shapes I dont think we're going to find one that suits them both, they wont be wearing the same shade of green as one of them is very pale and the other has tanned skin, as for hair they will both have their hair up and I dont care about false tan if they want to get a tan they can I dont mind

pwurple · 26-05-2016 7:24am

Op, talk to her about it. They may be just taking the piss, pulling your leg slightly?

My bridemaids had the same type of dress, but different colours. Mix of hairstyles, whatever they wanted, from tall beehive to boho floaty down. We had a non-formal wedding, so whatever they wanted. My hair was down too...

hotmatottie10 · 27-05-2016 2:40pm

my bridesmaid decided to get a full sleeve done ( tattoo) recently and i was taken aback a little. But then i thought i love her so how or why should i tell she cant. As long as she is there on the day and helps out as best friends do thats cool with me.

ChewChew · 27-05-2016 2:50pm

I'm having two bridesmaids with a 20 year age gap and all I've said is the colour dress I want them in. They can both pick a dress in that colour to suit them and their style and same goes for shoes and hair So I'd definitely mention it to her op!

rainbow kirby · 28-05-2016 7:54am

My two bridesmaids wore the same dress (navy Vivien of Holloway halterneck circle dress) and shoes, with updos and similar accessories. I never forced them to go for the same thing - discussed things with them every step of the way and would never have made them anything that they were uncomfortable with. They had vastly different body shapes too - one was 5'9 and a size 10, the other 5'3 and a size 18-20.

galah · 29-05-2016 10:15pm

I let my bridesmaids choose whatever they wanted to wear. Much less hassle all round. (Plus one was living in Kosovo at the time and the other was pregnant with a due date near our wedding - and i was living abroad. No way we would have managed a dress fitting etc). But then our wedding was about the people joining us, and the memories. Not the colour coordinated pictures and lots of hassle trying to control every aspect of the day.

Citygirl1 · 06-06-2016 10:01pm

Hi all

Thought I'd add this link to the discussion.

According to this story, a bride has demanded that one of her bridesmaid have her naturally red hair dyed as brown, so she can match the rest of the wedding party. Apparently her natural hair is too "attention grabbing".

If this is true, I am once again gobsmacked by the arrogance of stupidity of some (a small number!) of brides.

What is also astonishing, was that the bridesmaid is uncertain how to respond. I would be telling her where to go, very fast.

This kind of thing, in addition to OP's story, makes me feel that these marriages are unlikely to last. If these girls are so self centred, how will they deal with the challenges of actually being married....

http://www.independent.ie/style/weddings/bridesmaids-horror-as-bride-demands-she-dye-her-attention-grabbing-red-hair-for-the-day-34774108.html

SarahMollie · 07-06-2016 10:26am

Just to pipe in, I was at a wedding the weekend before last where the bride gave her bridesmaids each a budget, and said go buy a full length black dress, that you like and that suits you.

They also wore their hair and make up as they pleased - they did have a hairdresser and MUA, but were told they could wear their hair up or down, and go as heavy or light on the make up as they felt comfortable with.

Even though the dresses we all quite distinct, together they just worked somehow - maybe because black is a good colour to match?! - but anyhow they looked great, and more importantly, everyone was happy and relaxed.

My OH even commented (and he never notices what anyone wears)

"The bridesmaids - are they the same but different? They look like a girl band, I like it!"

High praise indeed

ShaShaBear · 11-06-2016 1:41pm

My two bridesmaids have been given the same dress to wear - they both agreed on it beforehand as their favourite.
They can wear whatever they like on their feet. My sister is 5"11 naturally so is wearing flats, and my SIL to-be could scrape 5"4 in a towering pair of platforms and she wouldn't be caught dead without a heel, so I told her to wear whatever she likes.
The MUA and hairdresser is coming to my house and I am paying for it, they have been told to get whatever they like to look their best.
As far as appearances go, one is short and pixie-like with very dark brown hair and black-brown eyes. The other is tall, athletic and blonde with blue eyes (my sister). She also has the lower part of her head shaved and patterned and has not decided if she will grow it out for the wedding in 3 months, but I'm not bothered.

I think happy, comfortable and confident bridesmaids makes for a far more beautiful bridal party than any stringent level of conformity!

forestfruits · 17-06-2016 2:11pm

Dont worry about it op, I think brides just issue instructions to bridesmaids and are sometimes totally unintentionally insensitive because they are focusing on the planning,the planning, the planning! I honestly didnt realise how much of the wedding planning is left to the bride- now I understand why they can sometimes seem like a little dictator (meant with love and affection!).

Anyway she asked you- she wants you there for a reason- your friend is in there somewhere behind the planning panic/madness!

every_other · 28-06-2016 5:34pm

BuileBeag wrote: »

Just wondering how much conformity you'd expect to see with bridesmaids?
Like matching jewellery, matching hairstyle, matching shoes? Would you choose friends/family that looked similar to each other to be your bridesmaids?
Ill be one shortly and I have a feeling my friend is regretting asking me. The other 4 are fairly similar in looks and I'm the odd one out. I'm just really different to them in so many ways. I dont want to get into the ins and outs of it but I'm starting to feel a little bit bad. This is coming from some hints and instructions I've been given on a few things from earrings to hair cuts.

It really depends on the bride and how much control she wants over how you look as bridesmaids together but honestly don't take anything to heart, weddings can just make sane people crazy. Please don't overthink your friends choice, there is a reason she asked despite you *feeling* you might be the odd one out!

I've been a bridesmaid four times now (still single though boo urns!) and I've worn exactly I've been told to wear, cut my hair as Ive been told to cut it, fake tanned to orangutang levels, been there for numerous meltdowns/dramas/wardrobe malfunctions/tears/puke (you name it and Ive probably have done it!). And remember whatever dress is chosen for ye... roll with it.... it may not suit your shape but when its dressed up with hair/make up believe me it'll be absolutely perfect on the day!

It can be tough as a bridesmaid, but you have to set aside your worries and inner niggles, its about her big day.

ChampagnePop · 28-06-2016 6:21pm

every_other wrote: »

It really depends on the bride and how much control she wants over how you look as bridesmaids together but honestly don't take anything to heart, weddings can just make sane people crazy. Please don't overthink your friends choice, there is a reason she asked despite you *feeling* you might be the odd one out!

I've been a bridesmaid four times now (still single though boo urns!) and I've worn exactly I've been told to wear, cut my hair as Ive been told to cut it, fake tanned to orangutang levels, been there for numerous meltdowns/dramas/wardrobe malfunctions/tears/puke (you name it and Ive probably have done it!). And remember whatever dress is chosen for ye... roll with it.... it may not suit your shape but when its dressed up with hair/make up believe me it'll be absolutely perfect on the day!

It can be tough as a bridesmaid, but you have to set aside your worries and inner niggles, its about her big day.

Did you enjoy it?

Is the anything that you were asked to do that you felt was unfair/step too far?

liquoriceall · 28-06-2016 10:41pm

every_other wrote: »

It really depends on the bride and how much control she wants over how you look as bridesmaids together but honestly don't take anything to heart, weddings can just make sane people crazy. Please don't overthink your friends choice, there is a reason she asked despite you *feeling* you might be the odd one out!

I've been a bridesmaid four times now (still single though boo urns!) and I've worn exactly I've been told to wear, cut my hair as Ive been told to cut it, fake tanned to orangutang levels, been there for numerous meltdowns/dramas/wardrobe malfunctions/tears/puke (you name it and Ive probably have done it!). And remember whatever dress is chosen for ye... roll with it.... it may not suit your shape but when its dressed up with hair/make up believe me it'll be absolutely perfect on the day!

It can be tough as a bridesmaid, but you have to set aside your worries and inner niggles, its about her big day.

I'm sorry but I don't think that the bride just gets to say jump and you say how high!
I'm bridesmaid next year and there will be no fake tan on me and I will wear heels regardless of the fact that it will put me well over everybody else in the party because otherwise it's just trying to make us all into some uniform group with no individuality!
I fear I won't be a very good yes woman!

Bridesmaids conformity

Comments