Would you date your best friend's sibling??

LegacyUser

I have a bit of a dilemma.

I'm male (20), and have had a really close friend since I was only a wee nipper. My friendship with this guy is very important to me and I would be in an auful state if I compromised that. Throughout the years I've gotten to know his sister quite well, and sometimes she even comes out with us on nights out. I have always been physically attracted to her, but in the last few months have really taken a fancy to her. About two months ago we all went out and let's just say on the night myself and herself raised the flirting level just below the "making a move" bar. She made it very clear to me that night that she was interested in me too. Every time I've seen her since then she's flirted with me. We were out again about 2 weeks ago and she put both her arms around me. Here is the problem: I had to back away!!. My exact words at the time were "I shouldn't", and I left it at that. I honestly don't think she why I did that.

My mate is very protective of her (she's going on 19). Myself and herself have always been good friends too. We share the very same sense of humour, amongst other things. On many occasions in the past I and other friends would have joked about "How fine his sister has turned out to be", etc. He made it very clear that she was out of bounds.

Right now I don't know what to do. I really believe if we got together something good could come out of it. Like we know eachother so well, it would be just like the next phase. At the same time, I would rather do nothing if it meant loosing a really good friend.

Please help
J.

smiles

Talk to him and see what he says.

/me remembers the days when her brother threathened to beat up any of his mates who so much as looked at me the wrong (right) way!

<< Fio >>

LegacyUser

Though I've known him for a long time, I still couldn't just tell him straight out I have feelings for his beloved sister. He would go mad. He's also not the most open of people when it comes to things like this. Honestly I would have a better chance talking it out with her before him. I'm quite possitive she would tell me to ignore him, but I can only see the relationship working if everyone is OK with it.

Thank you for your reply it is appreciated

J.

Cake Fiend

Potentially a very tricky situation. On the one hand he could be so protective of her that he wouldn't want anyone going near her, least of all one of 'de lads'. On the other, if you go back that far and are that close, he may trust you enough not to screw his sister over. You have to find out what his position is on you and his sister getting it together. You also need to weigh up how much a possible relationship with her is worth to you. You should then talk to her about it to see if it is worth as much to her and maybe get her to talk to her brother about it (he needs to know that she is her own person with her own feelings and he can't control her for her whole life).

Whatever way it goes, by the sounds of it if you mess things up with his sister you could lose your best friend as well so be careful.

Samara

Ooh, brothers do not like their mates going out with their sisters!!! Mainly because they know their friends pretty well and know how they have treated women in the past. Basically your problem is this, if you have treated women somewhat shamefully and have been after only one thing on a number of occasions, her brother will know this and will think that you will treat his sister the same way.


Your best bet is to broach the subject with the sister, confirm how you both feel and when you are clear on this approach him. Just be sure that you don't want her simply because she is forbidden fruit, 'cos if he agrees that he will not make an issue of it and you do end up hurting her, then you have lost them both and probably gained a couple of black eyes into the bargain!!

the Guru

This is a tricky one we have an ongoing joke with my best mate his sister is very attractive and we joke around saying that we would like to shág and other things and he goes mental and i feel the same I wouldnt want one of my mates seeing my sister I know what they are like and blood is thicker than water.

what happens if they mess your sister around ?????????

commuterised

this might be a bit different as I know brothers are more protective of their mates dating their sisters than sisters are of their mates dating their brothers.. but here goes..

My bro is 3 yrs younger than me and recently him and my bessie mate have been making eyes at each other, I think it would be pretty cool , provided she didn't just shag him and ditch him and leave him broken hearted and crying in his pillow grrr, but other than that I'd be fine with it. seriously I would. But when they broke up I'd have to ditch her. hmm maybe I think differently about this than I thought....

patch

I tried that too......only I waited for my mate to go to america first:D :ninja: He was well pissed off when he found out though!!
You should bear in mind though that your relationship with your mate might disappear due to the fact that you won't want to be reminded how you screwed him over. For his sister.
I don't see HER anymore, I'm still mates with HIM, but still, years later, we don't speak of the deed for fear of a punch-up!!

Chaos-Engine

"All is fair in love and war"

Go for it
If you guys are as good friends you will work through it and be closer than ever

Kali

hmm im good friends with my best friends sister (they dont live together anymore) and regularly see her down the local and spend the night talking to her and occasionaly end up in a club pissed & dancing and flirting with her, completly harmless though and we both know it aint ever going anywhere... I mean I've known her for the past twelve years, would be very very strange and awkard if things didnt work out, plus I value my friends over a fling... so yeah anyway play it safe and avoid going further or talk it over with your mate first.. best bet is to just go for her friends.. then everyones happy

Kell

I was in the same situation about the same age. Spoke to my mate and he said "fine, go ahead. But please dont fúck her over or you'll have me to answer to". So I did, then I fúcked her over, he asked me why so I told him and my reasoning checked out so the friendship lasted.

It all depends on how grown up you all are at the end of the day. I personally hate the protectiveness ****e that goes on between older brothers and younger sisters. I couldn't give a flying fúck who beds my siblings because it's none of my business.

The one thing that you cant do if you decide to ask her out or whatever is bitch about her to your best mate if things go stale. If there is one thing that best mates are supremely useful for is bitching to about your GF.

If he is grown up about it then yeh go for it. Even if he isnt, go for it anyway, after all it is none of his business and she must also respect that if things turn sour that you were his mate first at that she cant go bitchin about you to him.

K-

Clintons Cat

Go for it

The Sister is not the property of your friend.

Its none of his god damn buisness who she goes out with.

Shes 19 ffs,i think she can make her own descisons on who or who not to see,and she knows you a hell of a lot better than the average joe she'd meet in a bar.

Go for it,if you mates so insecure that he doesnt trust you with her,he must have a pretty low opinion of you anyway
Give him some time to adjust to the new situation,but if he cant readjust to the idea of you two being together then maybe he should go off and do some serious thinking.

Wolf

If I were you id go for it. Then again I tend to get myself in all kinds of bother with girls

However, I am also a rediculously over protective brother as well. This is the way this works. If the guys was one of my mates that got pissed all the time smoked gear and was a general waster (probably one of my better friends). Then I would probably say no. But if he was a friend that I thought would be good to my sister and make her happy I would say ok yes.

You see as a brother that would castrate any of his mates for looking at his sister I realise that this is because often because they are like you you also know what they are like and as such will say yay or nay it just varies.

The best thing you can do is either

1/ Go for it and hope for the best

2/ Go to your friend suggest the idea tell him you really like her and that you will treat her well. Also add that if he says no then you wont but that it would mean alot to you if you got his blessing.

Often the latter approach can give him a bit of a power trp and he will say yes.

Also remember that she is her own person and if she wants to see someone it really isnt any of her brothers bussiness, but let hope it doesnt go the far.

Good Luck. :ninja:

Typedef

Would you date your best friend's sibling??

Not if you intend on staying friends with your friend.

Seriously, if you end up marrying/living with the sibling then good else, you will invariably loose a friend.

That said, I wouldn't and (haven't) let details like that stop me, in fact if you were to take example from me... you wouldn't even bother asking.....

Cuidado con el gato baby.

mooman_00

Originally posted by Samara
Ooh, brothers do not like their mates going out with their sisters!!! Mainly because they know their friends pretty well and know how they have treated women in the past. Basically your problem is this, if you have treated women somewhat shamefully and have been after only one thing on a number of occasions, her brother will know this and will think that you will treat his sister the same way.

i have to agree with this there are at least three mates who i wouldnt let near my sister...otherwise its not my business although i would still keep an eye on things just to make sure she is not fukked over by anyone.....

Victor

I was fascinated with a friend's sister and I asked her out once (New Year's Eve and the lads weren't around - neither was her brother ). I released she was a complete cow when she had drunk about 6 pints.

imp

I've been attracted to relatives of a couple of mates in the past... neither of the two friends in question like(d) that one bit

However I'd not have a problem with a friend going out with my own sister. But I wouldn't want either one of them treating the other like sh|t.

And wouldn't it be weird to someday become your best friend's brother-in-law?

}:>

John2002

Originally posted by imp


And wouldn't it be weird to someday become your best friend's brother-in-law?

}:>

My dad's best friend married my dad's sister. I don't know what it was like when they were "courting" 30 odd years ago but they all get on fine now anyway, afaik!

Saruman

Do you watch friends J? Same thing happened there.. forget that its TV.

I say go for it.. especially if you feel its going to go somewhere.. your friend might not like it at first but i dont think he will tell you to break it off (break his sisters heart maybe) or loose him as a friend (break his heart!)

If he does then he might not be worth having as a friend maybe. You can always make it up with him at a later date if h sees you both get on well.

So go for it. Hell you could let his sister bully him into it.. if his sister is the one who tells him it might go over smoother.. Especially if she mentions she likes you and asks him what he would think if she made a move because she "thinks" you like her too..

seamus

Heh, I think we've all been in the situation. It's probably because your best mate's sister is like a little sexy female version of your best mate, which makes her doubly attractive, cos you already know her well, and what she's like at various stages of the day/various stages of drunkenness.

My best mate is a year older than me, and his sister is a year younger than me. I've known them both for 13 years. So, around the 16 mark it became all a little weird. I could have hung around with either of them, and was good friends with both of them, but hung around with the brother. Me and the sister just did a *lot* of flirting, but never got together. It was always assumed (and even hinted at by her family) that we would eventually get together. :rolleyes:

Obviously we didn't, and now we're just good mates. There's another good friend who's quite in love with her, and she knows it, so now it's actually myself and this other mate who are more 'protective' of her than her brother, although he tends to get a bit jealous of our friendship with her (oh, what a tangled web we weave!). Anyway, a couple of our friends have gone out with her, and all but one have messed her around, and all of them, except the good one have gradually been 'excluded' from the group, though not actively, they just tended to fade out.

So, after all that, my advice is to be careful. There's no reason why your mate should decide whether or not you go out with his sister, but if you value your friendship with this guy, you'll play it carefully. Give him time to get used to the idea (although he should come round pretty quickly), and be wary of ignoring him when you call over (while not ignoring her either ). Once you're properly going out with his sister then everything will settle down again, but don't fsck her over. If you must break up with her eventually, try to make it amicable as possible, blah blah.

Basically, if you don't see her as possibly the last girl you'll ever go out with, rather you're just 'giving her a go', I wouldn't do it.

Wolf

Iv seen a few relatives of people I know. Tho only once did it get me in trouble.......it was her sister

Typedef

Originally posted by [-UK-]Wolf
Iv seen a few relatives of people I know. Tho only once did it get me in trouble.......it was her sister

And Moses commeth back from the tent and saidth.

"The 11th commandment I forgot to mention lads.
Don't get caught".

Wolf

I didnt get caught..........


I came clean






It seemed funny at the time

Tusky

i dont think he "should" have a problem with it if he knows how you both feel ! GL !

LegacyUser

I've been in this situ.

I warned both upfront of consequences of bad breakup etc, of course they didn't listen.

Now I don't see my mate v often, and can't mention to sis the fact that I did meet him (cos he messed up badly there).

Your call. It may not be worth it.

smiles

http://www.yorema.com/images/sisters.jpg

check that Forum....

<< Fio >>

thedrowner

yeah there's lots of things to considere here, been in that situation too, and thing didnt work out, but i have 2 close friends and one is going out with the other's brother and it's been going on for 1 & 1/2 years and all is well.

if you think she could make you happy and you are willing to treat her well and make a go of things then go for it, and try and make your best mate know you'll treat her well. if you've a bad track record this'll go against you but if you both like each other then he's probably being a jerk for standing in the way.

but be warned...things's will get weird, and you can't help it, if things do get serious, it'll be weird for him , give him space, but don't let him treat you badly if there's no reason. also you may not be able to talk about your sex life anymore...who wants to hear what there siblings get up to!!! and be careful he doesnt put pressure on you for certain things.

also is this worth losing your best mate over? you could screw up...and how would you feel ending things with her. because unfortunately, you may be breaking up with her, but to him (and probably their family... who will know you so well at this stage) you'll be breaking up with them in a way (only they probably wont feel the sadness of a breakup, just the anger )

LegacyUser

Wow I didn't think their would be so many replies so soon. Thank you

Also I would like to thank all of you for the good advice. At this point I've decided to take it very slow. I hinted in my last post that my frienship with my mate is more important than I moving on to the next level with his sister. I've known him too long, and my (our) lives would surely change dramatically if something tore us apart. He is like a brother to me and it has been that way for a long time. He isn't very good at discussing problems (his own that is) with friends like me, though we've known him for ages. His parents are very strict, and it would be frowned upon if family problems were discussed outside of the family. My prediction if I did approach him and told him how I felt would be nearly like him "catching" us together. He would probably tell me to feck off, and I'm quite possitive we would drift apart shortly after.

The only way I could see this working is if his sister said it to him. I'm quite possitive he would advise her against, not because he thinks I'm a bad person, but because I know he would find it too weird that one of his best mates is dating his little sis. He knows me very well, and he knows I'm not the type of person that has one night stands or generally treats women bad. Anyway I'm not looking for an immediate sexual relationship. Also if we did get together I would definately not be all over her, really rubbing it in his face. I do respect his wishes, and understand the sensitivity of the matter.

What I've decided to do is keep things the way they are for at least another while. If I'm out again and find myself in a position that I have to pull myself away from then I will explain to her why I'm doing it. Then perhaps she will have a word or two with him. Actually if I better recall the last night out, she gave me the impression that she thinks, I'm no longer interested with her. So you can see I'm afraid of giving her the wrong impression while at the same time I don't want to take things too fast (ie. just snog her the next time the chance presents itself).

This is really is a difficult one

J.

thedrowner

sounds like a good idea

i was gonna suggest getting her sister to talk to him but i thought if you and he had an open relationship it'd be a abit weird coming from her and not you (coz i know i tell my best friend most stuff i dont tell my brothers) but it sounds like its the best thing, given the cicumstances

Zukustious

One word that will solve all your problems:

Threesome

Lex_Diamonds

Yeah I hope this guy isnt like Tony Montana and the sister is like Gina, and you are like the other guy. We all saw what happened there...:eek:

evie

It's an interesting situation, two words (which you seem to be using a lot anyway!) BE CAREFUL!
Family is family and it will always be there, the phrase blood is thicker than water springs to mind straight away.
Depending on how close this guy is to his sis, he won't take any ****e that might arise. Loyalties normally stay with the family so be warned!
You're on the right track. Keep talking to your friend and be clear on both your intentions.

Good luck with it and I hope it works out!

bombidol

Why are you even asking this question, theres only one answer, NO! you are asking for trouble, begging for it in fact. Your mates sister should be viewed the same as your own. and you wouldnt do that, would you?! Seriously your mates family become your own extended family.

Sposs

Exact Same thing happened to me i fell for my best mates sister and she me,i was really nervous about telling my mate but it worked out great,he didnt mind at all and said he was glad she was going out with me cause he knows me well and knows he can trust me (to a point ) anyway that was nearly a year ago and were still going strong.

Typedef

At this point I've decided to take it very slow. I hinted in my last post that my frienship with my mate is more important than I moving on to the next level with his sister. I've known him too long, and my (our) lives would surely change dramatically if something tore us apart. He is like a brother to me and it has been that way for a long time. He isn't very good at discussing problems (his own that is) with friends like me, though we've known him for ages.

Ya sure.... and maybe he can keep you company at night... when you're all alone... since 'he' is so important.

*ahem*

hells angels

i've bin in that situation a load of time's and im never sure what to do...i asked her to my deb's last year and she said she couldn't because of her brother( my best friend). the ting is if i did go out with her and he didn't like it he could very easily and very literily kill me...she just broke up with her boyfriend so i think i might just test the water out again....but listen man if your really into this girl then talk to her about it and if you both decide to give it a go then talk to your mate!! but for fúck sake make sure you dont end up hurtin her or your totally in the shít house...

But thats just my opinion....Good luck

Wolf

If he is a real friend then he would know that you are a good person. As such if you can convince him that you are serious and will treat her well then he should be ok with it.

The big problem is when it all goes wrong but hey it may never go wrong.

If you dont try then you will regret it.

ferdi

i'd say avoid it but if you do go ahead, he'll be p!sst but if he dosnt get over it pretty soon then he is just a big bitch. maybe talk to him, its the only way to know.

Sterile Fish

i dated my sisters friend, and now my siter is dating her friends brother, it hasnt made a difference to any of us, the four of us get on well and hang about my house loads, so i dont see any problem with it, plus it means you can sneak about behind your parents back, and they wont have a clue whats happening, quite fun, dont know if i would do it again tho.....

Kenshin

I've had my eye on Mordeth's sister...

He has assured me she's great in bed!

imp

Originally posted by Kenshin
I've had my eye on Mordeth's sister...

He has assured me she's great in bed!

That's... really disturbing...

}:>

LegacyUser

It's me J. (sorry I forgot my password)

I'm also sorry for digging this one up again but things have just gotten a hell of a lot worse, and I really need some advice. It's been a few months since I last posted to this thread and to be honest with you nothing has changed. We still flirt on the side, and are great in each other's company.

Not that long ago, her older sister (older than I also) told me that "we would be great together" refering to her younger sister and I. This was during a night out and she said that her younger sister adored me. This as you can imagine put me in a spin, because now I know that she had mentioned me in the background. I know her older sister very well also, so I told her straight out right after that, how I felt. I told her why I don't think I should make a move and she told me that she hadn't once even thought it to be a problem (refering to my best mate [her brother]). She asked me why did I think he wouldn't want me going out with his younger sister, considering how long we've known eachother. I told her the truth, in that I think he'd feel weird about it, and that's just that. Anyway the impression she gave me was that, she didn't think he'd have a problem with me going out with her, but at the same time I don't think she would have said anything to him about it or really know for sure.

So then the other day we were all at a party, myself, my mate, his two sisters, and a few others were up late drinking. My mate had more or less passed out and was asleep, while everyone else was awake. There was another girl in the room that night that was friends with my friends younger sister. Somehow I got the impression that she was attracted to me. This bothered me for a while, and as the night progressed nothing put my mind at ease. Anyway we were all taking and while sitter beside my friends younger sister, I lay on her shoulder. I asked her did she mind and she said "of course not". There was a quilt over both of us, and after a minute or so I started to rub my fingers up and down her arm. At this point she didn't attempt to move away or ask me to stop. So then I went to put my arm around her, and then she said "No".

Now the part that is wrecking me head is, does she mean "No", or did she not want to do anything in front of her friend. Soon after she headed to bed, as did her friend. When nearly everyone else was gone to bed I said it to her older sister. I told her exactly how I felt, leaving nothing out. I was fairly well plastered at the time, and probably said more than I should but her sister still thinks that we would make a good couple. While we spoke I heard the younger sister come down the stairs and I rushed out to see her in the hallway. All I did was appologise to her for trying to put my arm around her, and she said it was OK. The reason why I rushed out to the hall to talk to her was because she left the room to go to bed shortly after I did it, and I had to make sure I hadn't made a balls of things alltogether (including our friendship). She asked me was I drunk, and I said I was, but that was no excuse for my actions. She gave me a hug, and said that we've been friends for a long time and not to worry. I went back in to the livingroom to the other sister. She asked me "what did I say", and I told her, including the other sister's reaction. She asked me did I think she meant "No", and I told her I wasn't sure, but that I was going to take it as a "No".

The next morning I woke up with a crazy hangover, and really sick feeling in my stomach (not from the drink). At first I thought she didn't want to be in the same room as me, and I didn't know what to do. Then after a while she joined me out the back of the house (alone) for a few minuites. I just joked and had the craic with her as I always do, and she seemed fine.

Everything seemed normal, but I found myself being completely paranoid and watching to see if she was trying to evade me for the rest of the day.

At this stage I wish I hadn't made a move at that point in time, because now I don't know if I screwed things alltogether or just put things on the shelf for a while.

Please help, because I'm finding it very hard to sleep, and I can't concentrate on anything

Peace

I've been doing it with my best mates sister for nearly 6 years.

Sure, it was a bit odd at the start and at one stage there was nearly a problem but sure it was all sorted out.

It's always best to keep it within the family

HJ Simpson

Jebus just ask her out but make it clear if she says yes that you both talk to her brother before you go out with her. She is clearly interested just tell him!!!

HJS

LegacyUser

How can you be so sure Mr. Simpson?

Maybe I'm blind but as I run the events of the most recent night (as described in my last post) around in my head, I'm still not sure. The crucial part for me is when I went out in to the hallway to appologise. I can remember the expression on her face and it was confused up until I said the word "sorry". I distinctly remember her saying "don't worry" & "god, how long have we known eachother".

What I really think at the moment is that she was shocked at my move, and was making it clear we are just friends. Hence her saying "god, how long have we been friends". I take this as her reminding me that we've been friends for so long, perhaps we should leave it at that. Crap I wish I was sober, because it's so hazy.

But then again, something else that the older sister said to me that night (and countless others throughout the years) is that I assess these things way to much.

Am I just being negative, or am I right to want to go through everything with a fine tooth comb?

I haven't seen her since the day after, but I've seen her brother several times since and he's the same as usual. So I know that she wasn't shocked enough to mention it to him, because if she did, I'm pretty damn sure he would have said something to me by now. Actually he's in better form than usual to be honest.

God help me, I swear this overactive mind of mine will be the death of me some day.

Right now I'm not sure should I just go back to wanting to be just friends with her, or should I continue flirting (which I'm scared to do right now). It's such a delicate situation, and I feel that I must thread lightly which is resulting in me posting here looking for advice and scrutinizing everything myself.

It really fills me with confidence when I hear of people that have held (long term) successful relationships in similar situations, so I know that it can and does work.

What should I do?, what would you do?

Thanks a million, you have no idea how much your suggestions help

Originally posted by JJJ.
What should I do?, what would you do?

Take the bull by the horns so to speak, and tell the lass exactly what you told her older sister.
Wondering and pondering the "what if's" of a situation is no substitute for knowing and in this case where you will always know her because of your best friend situation etc , the latter will be far healthier in the long term and indeed probably turn out the way you want, by the looks of things.

I don't want to say any more than that even though a lot of things are occurring to me here out of what you have said.

Best lay your cards on the table with her NOW-no humming and hawing about it, tell her you feel sick at the fright of what you are saying to her and discuss it and see what happens
Please post back with the results.

Oh and one further thing, just DO it, no more discussing it untill , we know the outcome, further advice if necessary pending that. Good luck
mm

Sarky

Worked for me. I met my girlfriend at her brother's(my friend from school's)) leaving-cert-results-BBQ. We've been together for quite a long time now and there are no problems. In fact, I get to meet him more often now as well, which is cool, as I was a bit of a recluse and never really met up with people that much.

HJ Simpson

Just thinking about this as I sit at my desk avoiding work. Is her sister the type to take the piss so to speak. If so you could be right about the whole friends for so long thing. However I still recommend coming clean. If she says no its unlikely she will tell her brother as you two have been friends for so long.
Its your decision though stay in the distance as a stalker waiting for the door to open or just knock and see if she lets you in!!!

HJ, this is the kind of speculation that might be best avoided on this occasion.
From experience, I really do feel that this chap must have a heart to heart with the younger sister.
If their friendship is as close as , he tells us it is, then it will survive whatever happens.

The other crucial thing here in my opinion is the fact that this guy mixes with this family all the time and is very close to her brother.
Therefore his head is in danger of being wrecked, if he keeps putting off , the good chat with the younger sister.

I've errr been in this situation twice:D and trust me, the way to go is the long and meaningfull chat route and I would do that immediately now, no matter how difficult it seems, especially since he is going to be seeing a lot of this girl on an on-going basis.
mm

elexes

ive been with a few of my friends sisters . im still friends with all of them . maby not friends with some of there sisters but those are different reasons . if i had the chance to be with one of my friends sisters and i was single i will admit i will think how it dose affect him but in every case all my friends have been very sound and realised i didnt fux around behind there backs without good reason

afaik im still friends with about 90% of them

Hobbes

Which do you prefer? Your best friend? Or his sister?

Once you figure out which, then do or don't ask depending on your answer. At worst you don't speak to one or both of them again. *shrug*

Actually worst is probably the "Lets be friends" speech, but at least she will get a laugh out of it, and it is her happiness you care about right?

Open up your heart to her, tell her exactly how you feel and how you want to proceed. If she rips your heart out and does the happy dance all over it at least you have your answer.

Either way... You don't ask, you won't know.

And if she does say no, then at least you can bring all your new girlfriends around to your mates house and use them make her compare how she could of been with you (helps if they brag for you).