Little Johnny Jokes

Plug

Good one!:D

Hagar

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead."

Little Johnny agrees, "All right." He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen.

Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.

The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."

"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.

carpenoctem

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher
asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her
hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky,
because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the
teacher.

Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And
where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered
"God lives in each of our hearts!"

"That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his
hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you
think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she
asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.

"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "

dvega

Le Rack wrote:

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go **** yourself, these are my cookies"

Excellent,lol

drunk_monk

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is

making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up

for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!

Hagar

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a blackeye. She asked him what happened.

He replied, "Ma'm, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and the he punched me in the face".

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Mam, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said "I'm coming'", and Mom said "I'm coming too", and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too!' and that's when my dad said, "You little bastard." and he punched me in the other eye."

wex96

poor old little johnny cuts his finger and run over to the teacher to show her, teacher says she'll put a plaster on it, but johnny say to put cider on it. when teacher ask why, he says his sister says when she gets a little prick she puts in cider (inside her):D

Oliverdog

Little Johnny: I ain't doing no homework tonight.
Teacher: Apart from anything else, that's a double negative.
Little Johnny: What's a double negative?
Teacher: It's a statement where one negative cancels out another, to make a positive.
Little Johnny: What about a double positive?
Teacher: There's no such thing as a double positive.
Little Johnny: Yeah. Right.

cornbb

Hehe, great thread

Hagar

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"

Plug

tut tut:D

Hagar

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is €280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnn told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a €280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

carpenoctem

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table she turned to her six-year old son and asked, "Would you like to say grace?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," Little Johnny replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

Little Johnny bowed his head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people over to dinner!"

:rolleyes:

2 stroke

Little Johnny runs into the kitchen shouting "Mammy Mammy can I have a big spoon"
"O.k". she says, "but first tell me why you need it"
"Daddy's getting sick and the dog is getting all the big bits" He answers.

Dark Artist

2 stroke wrote:

Little Johnny runs into the kitchen shouting "Mammy Mammy can I have a big spoon"
"O.k". she says, "but first tell me why you need it"
"Daddy's getting sick and the dog is getting all the big bits" He answers.

That is DIGUSTING :eek: *pisses pants* Brilliant!!

Oliverdog

Little Johnny comes home from school for his tea.
Ma: Did you have a good day at School?
Little Johnny: Not bad. We had a w*nking competition.
Ma: YOU HAD A WHAT !?
Little Johnny: A w*nking competition. I came first, third and ninth.

2 stroke

It was little Jennys first day at school. The teacher notices a puddle under Jennys desk,
Teacher: Jenny, why didn't you put your hand up?
Jenny: I tried miss, but it leaked through.

Fey!

EDIT: Just realised it's been done already!

dulpit

john.hannah@bti wrote:

Little Johnny comes home from school for his tea.
Ma: Did you have a good day at School?
Little Johnny: Not bad. We had a w*nking competition.
Ma: YOU HAD A WHAT !?
Little Johnny: A w*nking competition. I came first, third and ninth.

That's disgusting...

2 stroke wrote:

It was little Jennys first day at school. The teacher notices a puddle under Jennys desk,
Teacher: Jenny, why didn't you put your hand up?
Jenny: I tried miss, but it leaked through.

So is that...



haha

Owen

The teacher asked, "Class use the word contagious in a sentence." Molly put her hand up and said, My little sister has chickenpox and they are contagious. The teacher said, "Very good Molly." Sally raised her hand and said, "My little brother has the mumps and they are contagious". The teacher said, "Very good Sally."

Little Johnny was jumping around in his seat, hand raise in the air, waving back and forth. The teacher had been stung with Johnny's remarks before and was very reluctant to let him speak. Unfortunately he was the only other child in the class with his hand up. So the teacher thought she better give him a chance.

"OK Johnny, give me a sentence with the word contagious in it" Johnny was all excited that he was given a chance. He said, "Teacher my dad was sitting in the lawn chair with his friend drinking beer. My mom was cutting the lawn. Dad said to his friend "It's going to take that contagious to cut the lawn.

EricM

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

The Bollox

one day in class teh teacher was doing a little game with the alphabet. she would go through the alphabet and she would pick a student to say a word beginning with that letter. she started: "A". at once little Johnny's hand shot into the air. the teacher, knowing little Johnny's reputation looked pleadingly around the room, then Sarah rose her hand "yes, Sarah?" "apple, miss" "well done".

then came "B". once again Johnny's hand shot into the air. Mike put his hand up also. the teacher said "yes, Mike?" "ball, miss" "well done".

this went on and on, Little Johnny getting more and more aggitated at not being picked. when the teacher came to "R" Johnny's hand shot up, as usual. the teacher thought there couldn't possible be anything offensive he could say with 'r', so she picked him, and he said "rabbits, miss, big dirty ****ing rabbits"

Mr. Presentable

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family
was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little
Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no
ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the
smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny
looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he
will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f*ked if he needed
glasses".

Homer

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Enright

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with Little Johnny,one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what's your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is inthe 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rdgrade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to theprincipal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he wouldgive the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was togo back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader shouldknow.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Little Johnny cango to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Little Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Little Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Little Johnny: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, deliciousand contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Little Johnny: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,Little Johnny replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?"

Little Johnny: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lotof heat and excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny inthe fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Oman

little johnny went ran into his father puffing and panting and asked him
'Dad is it true that an apple a dad keeps the apple away?'
'Thats what they say'
'Give me an apple quick I've broke the doctors window'

Soundman

Oman wrote:

Little Johnny went running into his father puffing and panting and asked him
'Dad is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?'
'That's what they say'
'Give me an apple quick, I've broke the doctor's window'

Corrected for you

kev_s88

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He yells in, "Hey, Dad! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

kev_s88

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and sh*t on the carpet."

dak

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"