Little Johnny Jokes

Doodee

Just trying to build up a collection, so I thought I'd post this one:



Little Johnny is in maths class and the teacher asks a maths question:
“If there are five birds sitting on a fence and the farmer comes out with a gun and shoots one, how many birds will there be left on the fence?”
Little Johnny puts up his hands to answer the questions.
“Miss, there will be none left, they will all fly away when they hear the gun shot”

The teacher says “No Johnny, There will be four left, but I like the way you think”.

So little Johnny asks the Teacher a question
“There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is biting, the other is licking, and the third is shoving it down her throat, which one is the married one?”

The teacher answers “I don’t know, the one shoving the whole lot down her throat?”

To which little Johnny replies “no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!”

Shiminay

A collection it is!

Little Johnny Jokes only please folks - no comments good or bad or I'll whip out me banning weapon!

Making this a sticky.

Big Chief

It's the end of the school year, the teacher has written her reports, and there's really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because it's Friday afternoon and not much is happening. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.

" Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever- that answer's mine . . ." The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago . . .'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".

Johnny was mad.

The teacher asked, "Who said, `I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".

Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".

Johnny was fuming. Suddenly Johnny shouted from the back of the class, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "Who said that?"

Johnny answered, "BILL CLINTON, SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!!!"

Big Chief

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you have learned." Little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." Johnny then went to his sister and said. "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?" The girl replied. "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!". Little Johnny then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" Johnny replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million pounds, but realistically we're living with two slappers." The father replied, "That's my boy!"

leeroybrown

Slightly risqué but ...

Sex with the Teacher:

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

woosaysdan

the teacher asked little johnny to go home after school and look up a big word for the class for tomorrow!!! so johnny comes in the next day and the teacher asks him did he get a big word? and johnny stands up and says yes i did its MASTERBATING!!! the teacher shocked says yeah thats quite a mouthfull!!! and johnny says no miss thats blowjob!!!

exiztone

Little Johnny desperately needed to go to the toilet. He asked the teacher "Miss, can I go to the toilet?" she replied "Not untill you say your alphabet". He said "But I REALLY need to go miss!" but she still said "Not untill you say your alphabet."

So little Johnny began reciting.

a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z.

The teacher said "That's very good, but where's your P?"

"Half way down me trousers miss!"

SoundWave

Little Johnny and the 3 Little Pigs:

The teacher was reading the story of the "3 Little Pigs" to her class. She got to the part of the story where the 1st pig was trying to gather building material for his house.

She read "..... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me
sir, may have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class

"And what do you think the man said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said

"I think he said: "WELL FCUK ME ... a talking pig"

SoundWave

i think he is johnny's cousin or somthin.......

****************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fuk1n business!!"

****************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of

the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

****************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...MATHS:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fuk1n difference? " asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

****************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

****************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out," Miss Jones, I need to take a p1ss!!"

Miss Jones replied, "Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use
the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go."

Little BILLY thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t1ts, you'd be a TEN!"

****************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON ....GRAMMAR 2:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fuk1n beautiful!"

jonno

Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house.

"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks

"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No silly, it's salty!"

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard "I'm going to
report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool" said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard "but not from the diving board!"

Doodee

Any more, lets keep this going!

dragon heart

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play
ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly... "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little
Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cuts him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story,describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." (Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!)

ashley23

Don't pick on Little Johnny, he did nothing to you ! NOTHING !

Doodee

hehehe, liked that last one.

hells angels

little jonny jokes rule man!!!..keep um comin!:D

The Reaper

hm yea gwan little jonny!

jd

http://homepage.eircom.net/~calligraphy/johnny.html

The Reaper

Originally posted by jd

CANT really see that its awful small!

Doodee

class!

hells angels

it's in a CLASS of it's own:D ..yes i no i should be shot!!!;)

Big Chief

> The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have their parents
> tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>
> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
> stories.
>
> "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
>
> "Yes ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
> pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
> enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and
> a survival knife."
>
> She drank the whiskey on the way down to calm herself and then her
> parachute landed right in the middle of twenty members of the enemy
> troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
> bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then
> she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
> "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
> daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
>
> "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

tribble

the last one is class :-)

Doodee

Savage, thats a good one.

KEEP EM COMING!

Mr_Roger_Bongos

Roffle.

Giblet

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'

'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'

Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.

Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

'F*ck off you Red nosed C*nt!

---

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

---

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F*CK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

---

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.

"Now take off my bra..." which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

---

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14 yr. old Little Johnny to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

---

One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asked one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer.

Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yeah," replied little Johnny with a grin. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

Spunog UIE

Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Johnny, however, was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a g*y cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really
good,
he'll go out to the alley with some screaming f*g and take it up the
a*se."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring
in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about
your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "he really plays for Rangers, but I was too
embarrassed to say".

Short n sweet orginally :here:

Dont Ban Me

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14 yr. old Little Johnny
to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill
repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time
for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm
going to see to this personally."
So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she
completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is
your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before
you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the
main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles
and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the
crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him
said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
rot your teeth and make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business!"

The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted
them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so
she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then
asked them what they had done during the summer.
The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana."
The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the
grown-up word."
The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo-choo."
The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the
grown-up word."
Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer.
Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.
"What book did you read?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the ****."


Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'..


A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the
Declaration of Independence?"
He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and
to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to
observe, as the teacher requested. She started back in on her quiz and
finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who
signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said. "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and
said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to
it!"

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his
family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny paused for a minute and said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now,
class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a
worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a
worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It
writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a
doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms!"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook
it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She
held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of
candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The
teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with
her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she
asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

The elementary students were paying close attention to their teacher, as
kids do at that age, when their teacher asked the class to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence. They all pondered that one a moment, since
the word was new to most of them. Hesitantly, little Susie raised her
hand and said, "I was fascinated by the sunset last night."

The teacher said that was good but she had used "fascinated." Then
little Mikey said, "I went to a fascinating wedding." Again, the teacher
mentioned that he had used the word "fascinating" instead of
"fascinate," but that he was on the right track.

In the back of the class little Johnny was waving his hand and the
teacher was trying not to call on him because he was known for his rude
and crude remarks! But, alas, since no one seemed to be solving her
question, she gave in ... Little Johnny said, "My big sister has a
blouse with 10 buttons but she has such big tits that she can only
fascinate."

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student
to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly
jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the
teacher-you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John
F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie
said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this
comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie
instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you
Monday."

Dont Ban Me

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit
down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt...." and he takes off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra..." which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." and when Johnny finishes
removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes
to school any more!"


Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact,
that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he
desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of
course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he
should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked
at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the
teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school
for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return
and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find
it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer
shorts on backwards."



The teacher looks out the window and points to a bank, and asks the
class what kind of building it is. Little Johnny, always first in,
shoots his hand up and shouts "It's a brothel."
"No", the teacher says, "it's a bank."
The next day the teacher looks out the window and points at a bridge,
and asks the class what kind of structure it is.
Little Johnny again shouts out "It's a brothel."
" No", says the teacher, "it's a bridge."
The next day the teacher rounds up the girls in the class and explains
to them that she's sick of Little Johnny's rude comments and the next
time he shouts out anything rude, they all must get up and walk out of
the classroom.
The teacher looks out the window and points to a hospital and asks the
class what kind of building it is.
Without any hesitation Little Johnny shouts "It's a brothel."
With that, all the girls get up and proceed to walk out of the
classroom. Little Johnny screams "WHERE THE **** ARE YOU SLUTS GOING??
IT'S NOT EVEN OPEN YET!!"





"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade
teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps'
in it." She then goes around the room asking each child.
Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any
homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."
Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."
Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister
and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps
they were gonna **** on the piano."




Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your ****ing cat."





The teacher's trying to get all of her students to buy a copy of the
class picture.
She says, "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you're all
grown up. You'll say, There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or, 'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'"
Dirty Johnny says, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."



One day, Mom was cleaning Little Johhny's room, and in the closet she
found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid
the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked
at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."



Little Johnny went to school one day and was sitting in class when the
teacher asked, "Who can use the word contagious in a sentence?"
So little Johnny's arm shot up and he wanted to answer the question
really badly but the teacher, unsure of the response, asked little
Maggie. Little Maggie quickly stood up and said "My sister has a cold
and it's contagious" to which the teacher responded "Good answer!"
Then the teacher asked again "Can anyone use the word contagious in a
sentence?" Again little Johnny's arm shot up and again the teacher
overlooked Johnny and opted for another student, Mark.
Mark quickly stood up and said "If you have the measles you are
contagious" "Very good!" was the response from the teacher.
So the teacher feeling bad for overlooking little Johnny said "Go ahead
little Johnny if you can use the word contagious in a sentence we would
all like to hear it."
So little Johnny stood up and said "Well me and my dad were out on the
porch one day and my mom was mowing the lawn. After 5 minutes of mowing
the lawn my mom came and sat down and had a beer, and my dad said "Go
mow the lawn!" So my mom she went and mowed the lawn. After another 5
minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came back and sat down and had another
beer, so my dad said "Go mow the lawn!" So my mom she went to mow the
lawn again. My dad turned to me and said "Son it's going to take that
**** ages to mow the lawn!"


Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the
says to the teacher, "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter."
"That's right," she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

Mr_Man

It was late on Saturday night when the Guards spotted 8 year old Johnny walking by himself along O'Connell St. SO they pull over in the squad car and ask him where he is going.

Johnny replies that he is running away from home, so the Guards ask him why ? Johnny tells him that he had been woken by a noise coming from his parents bedroom so he crept out on to the landing to see what was going on. The door was open and he peeped in to see his father on top of his mother, she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming'. Daddy was shouting 'Wait for me I'm coming too'.

So the Guard asks why did that make you run away ? To which Johnny replied - 'Well if those two are dieing I don't want to get stuck with a f****ng mortgage'.

Imposter

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

kanurocks

l.o.l l.o.l Now thats comedy. but a collection?

hells angels

Originally posted by Imposter
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

lol f*ckin class

PropertyofShell

little Johnny walked into a brothel dragging a dead frog, he told the Madam he wanted a woman. sha said, but you;re too you, so little Johhny pulls out a big wad of cash and says again, i want a woman. so the madam says go to room 16. little johhny says to her, i want a woman with the clap, the madam says all our girls are clean. little johnny pulls out a nother big wad of cash and the madam says go to room 13, so little johhny goes off to room 14 dragging the dead frog after him. when he's done he walks past the madam on the way out,. and the madam stops him and asks why the ehll is he dragging a dead frog around? little johnny says, when i go home i'm gonna f*ck the babysitter, i'll give her the clap. when my parents come home my dad will take the babysitter home and f*ck her, he'll get the clap. when my dad comes home he'll f*ck my mam, she'll get the clap. tomorrow when dads at work and the postman comes my mam will f*ck him, and he'll get the clap. and he's the c*nt who ran over my frog!

Cal

Little Johnny is sitting on the street corner playing with a bottle of acid. A passing priest decides that it would be better if he could get Johnny to swap the bottle of acid for his bottle of holy water.

Johnny - “Why would I want to swap this really cool bottle of acid for a crappy bottle of holy water?”

Priest – “Well I poured some of this holy water over a pregnant woman’s stomach and she passed a healthy baby boy.”

Johnny – “That’s nothing. I poured some of this acid over a dog’s b0ll0x and he passed a Kawasaki 650”

Sauron

originally posted by giblet

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

pure GENIUS

quite a thread u have going here indeed
:ninja: :cool:

Legolas7

BRILLIANT:D

Sandi

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school. He visits one of the 4th grade classes which is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," little Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

TeenStar

not the best but the only one i can think of


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem at work. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted by a childs whisper - "Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

"Is there anyone else there besides you" asked the boss

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the reciever the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied

"They're looking for me!"

Mr_Roger_Bongos

Nithing to do with thread. I was looking for joke but couldnt remember teh title.

It was about a radio competition
people had to ring up with local words
and how teh words were used in a sentence
teh prize was a trip to tahiti

the punchline was

D.J. - "O.K. Tom what your word?"
Tom - "Gwan, spelt G-W-A-N"
D.j. - "And can i have an example of how to use it in a sentence?"
Tom " Gwan **** Yerself!"

Can ne1 remember the rest of it, of where i can find it?

jongore

D.J. - "O.K. Dick what your word?"
Tom - "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E"
D.j. - "And can i have an example of how to use it in a sentence?"
Tom " It Smee again, Gwan **** Yerself!"

Mr_Roger_Bongos

Lol! Thanks Jongore!

The Reaper

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Evil Jose

Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the ******* float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid
in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"

mr smiley

Once a priest and Little Johnny were walking down a country road,
after walking for an hour they spot a scantily dressed girl
seeing her the priest says to Little Johnny " Look,what an eye sore"
the same thing happens again and the priest says the same thing to
Little Johnny, half an hour later the spot two scantily dressed girls walking down
seeing them Little Johnny remarks with a glint in his eyes " look Father two more nice whores

One day during English class the teacher asks, " Who can tell me the meaning 'indiffferent'?" The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No ones knows. Finally, though, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The hesitant teaher calls on him, "Yes, Litte Johnny?" "It means lovely," says Little Johnny. Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher then asks, "Little Johnny, can you explain why you think 'indifferent' means 'lovely'?" "Well," said Little Johnny, "last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say,
'That's lovely,' and then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

After school one day, little Johnny came home and asked his mother what courting was. She couldn't exactly explain it, so she said, "watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight.

That night, little Johnny spied on his sister and her boyfriend on the couch, and the next morning told his mother what he saw.

He said, "Mommy, I found out wat courting is! Last night, sissie's boyfriend sat down on the couch with her. she must've been out of breath from their date, because her boyfriend was puttin his mouth an her's a lot. Then she must've been feeling sick, because her boyfriend put his hand under her shirt on her chest and was feeling all around. All that playing doctor must've madeher really hot because she took off her clothes and her boyfriend took off his pants. But whaddaya know! There was a huge snake in there! First sis tried to choke it, but it only made it bigger and angrier. Her boyfriend tried to muzzle on it, it was a plastic one that looked like a balloon. Then sis got smart and tried to put it in a scissor hold, so she spread her legs, but it got away. They both started moaning and groaning, and then sis tried to bite its head off! They were wrestling with that snake for hours, until finally, they killed it! It just lied there dead. But in a few minutes, it was back to life again! They tried the same things, and finally they killed it for good. It was limp and they got their clothes back on. Sissie's boyfriend took the muzzle off and threw it in the toilet."

One day little Johnny was in class when the teacher let go of a ripper of a fart. she then turns around and blames it on Johnny and says "Johnny stop that!" Johnny then jumps onto his desk and says"which way did it go!"

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

little johnny is having a birthday party. and he has invited all his retarded friends around for this. so any way johnny is in the kitchen with his parents and his friends are all giving him the presents!. its a major handicapped social event so its a great time for everyone! any way johnny's mother asks johnny to kindly bring all the gifts up stairs to his room. he slowly picks them up and carrys them up. slowly limping as he cant properly walk. any way just as johnny is putting the last gift away he hears the door bell ring. he jumps with joy as its his best handicapped friend jimmy. he runs to the top of the stairs shouting in a handicapped voice " jimmy come in. come in jimmy. its my birthday. im special today. yay me. im happy." and so on... so he suddenly goes to run to jimmy as he sees jimmy has brought him a great big present. but sadly as johnny has a walking disorder aswell as being mentally retarded, he trips at the top of the stairs. now picture a handicapped child falling 20 or so steps downwards..... its not a pretty sight... espically in front of his mother who watched in horror. she screams! "AHHHHHHHHHH JOHNNY!!!!!"

everyone who is at the party comes running out. there is about 20 or so handicapped children around johnny who is lying in a pool of blood with both arms and both legs broken and twisted... poor johnny is mauled.....

his mother shouts "QUICK SOMEONE CALL JOHNNY AN AMBULANCE!!"

so all the little kids around start shouting

"JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE! JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE!!"

__________________________________________________

IM SO SO SO SO SORRY...........

The_Goose

you ll burn in hell for that one!

Diddy Kong

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.

The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of **** or something?"

Johnnie replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

UnrealQueen

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

atheist

The headmaster phones Jonnie's Mother: "We've put your son into a special class"
She asks "Is he a Prodigy?"
To which the head replies "No, he's a firestarter!"

Healio

Little johnny comes home from skool and starts talking to his dad:

little johnny: today in skool the teacher asked me to add 2+2 i put up my hand and sed 4. is that cos im smart?

dad: Yes johnny!

next day samething again:

little johnny: today the teacher said spell dog i put up my hand and said d-o-g. is that cos im smart?

dad: yes johnny!

the next day same thing again:

little johnny: today after pe my willy was 3 inches long and every1 else's was only two. is that cos im smart?

dad: no johnny, its cos ur 18

Walter Ego

The teacher of the 6th grade class was asking the class to draw a picture on the black board of what they thought was the meaning of the word starvation.
She called on little Mary and asked her to come up to the black board, and draw what she thought was the meaning of starvation.
Little Mary drew a bunch of lines, and told the class that these lines represent bones and that was starvation. The teacher said that it was very good, but said that bones have marrow and a person could live on the marrow.
She called little Sally to come up to the black board and draw her description of starvation.
Little sally drew a large circle with a bunch of little dots in the circle. She told the class that the circle was a stomach with breadcrumbs in it, and that was starvation. The teacher again said that this was very good, but people could live on breadcrumbs.
By this time little Johnny was going crazy waving his arms wanting the teacher to call on him to come up to the black board. Thinking there was nothing little Johnny could draw that would be dirty, she called on him to come up to the black board and draw what he thought was the meaning of starvation. Little Johnny walked up to the black board. He drew a small circle, and then scribbled a bunch of lines all over the circle and stood there waiting for the teacher to ask him what he drew. As with the other children she asked little Johnny what it was he drew, and how it would describe the meaning of starvation.
Little Johnny simply said, this a picture of an asshole covered with cobwebs!