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Awkward.

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  • 06-01-2003 4:48am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Ok well I cant really talk to any of my friends about this one for reasons that will become obvious. So any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.

    Well my situation is this (bare with me). I am part of a tightly knit group of friends, 4 people. My current girlfriend is one of them. The other 2 went out (male and female) for a few months not so long ago. The breakup between them deeply hurt the guy. Before they even started going out I really like the girl. While they were going out I tried to ignore it as much as possible and I never let it interfere with them. As neither of them knew or suspected anything this wasn't too much of a problem. When they broke up (she dumped him) I remained apathetic and consoled them both. After they had broken up I never approached her because I felt her ex (one of my best friends would hate me) and moreso I didnt really think she was intrested. I became very depressed because I have feelings for her approaching love, and guilt ran through me constantly. She would be my best friend if I had to choose one. My current girlfriend asked me out, and even though I didnt like her i agreed because I was so lonely and thought it would help me to get over the girl I liked. But (as you can guess because you're reading this) it didnt. And now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I want to tell her how I feel but dont want to hurt my girlfriend who has some insecurity issues (point at me. Boo! Hiss! etc.). Basically I'm going mental and this is really screwing me up. Help!?

    Just want to get peoples opinions on what I should do, and if necessary what a total bastard I am.

    Thanks.

    P.s. Remember that these 4 people, including myself, are a very close group of friends.

    p.s.s. I hope I've explained things clearly. I probably haven't.


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    #2
    hedgetrimmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭hedgetrimmer


    There are a few issues here.

    Issue 1: The current relationship is built on the shakiest of grounds, and although you are worried about her insecurity issues, etc, the longer you continue this "false" relationship, the worse it will be for her when you guys break up. The higher she rises, the further she falls. You owe it to yourself, and more importantly to her, to be honest and end this facade before it becomes a real problem.

    Issue 2: This feeling of love comes once, maybe twice in a lifetime, if that is waht you really feel it to be. You can ignore it, but it will never go away. The only real solution is that which you already know - you must talk to the one you love about how you feel. If she *doesn't* feel the same for you, then you can move on. If she does, then you can talk about it, but remember that she may not love you. Either way, if you do nothing, this think-counterthink circle of insanity will continue indefinitely.

    Issue 3: the male friend. It's a cliche, but if he really is your friend, he'll come to eventually. Sure, he might hate you initially, and you have to give him that room to react and go through *his* emotional cycle. All you can do is be there if and when he chooses to become a friend again. The issue is not really him, the first issue has to be how you feel and what you need to do. At the end of the day, your life is yours and yours to lead. I appreciate that you are being thoughtful and aware of his emotions, but your own must come first.

    Issue 4: the group. These do break up and pass - friends move when their lives change, it's a sad fact of life. I recently caught up with some people, which was lovely and the friendship was renewed, which is cool. But life does have groups of friends, very close friends, expand and deflate and move on and sometimes reconnect.

    Hope that helps


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    #3
    thedrowner
    Registered Users Posts: 2,287 ✭✭✭thedrowner


    if she broke up with him and he's really cut up over it, if you're a true friend you wont do anything to hurt him, just yet anyway. and id also agree with hedgetrimmer, there is no point leading this girl on, its not fair. also, if the 2 of them can survive the break up and still stay in your group, hopefully you 2 will be able to do the same.


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    #4
    Typedef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,564 ✭✭✭Typedef


    if she broke up with him and he's really cut up over it, if you're a true friend you wont do anything to hurt him

    Women always say that sort of thing.

    For blokes, it's totally different (blokes don't have emotion in the female sense of the word).... revel in your time of hedonist abandon, while it lasts. As crass as it might seem to dump your girlfriend simply because 'another one' has become available, the fact is, that is what you have to do.... not because it's the 'right' thing to do.... but because truth be told... you want to.

    Therefore you 'want' to be with this other girl, therefore you don't want to be with your girlfriend and therefore all else is simply an extraneous variable that is placed in the way of you and what you want out of life.

    Carpe diem baby.


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    #5
    thedrowner
    Registered Users Posts: 2,287 ✭✭✭thedrowner


    well, i feel its more about, do unto others as u would have done unto u. or some saying like that. if i was cut up over a bloke, and a really close mate asked me if she could date him, i would say yes, and then probably secretely hate her for the next 10 years and it would all come out one day. i think he should suss it out first, how the bloke is feeling, and i do think he should talk to the girl he wants as well, like u said, carpe diem.


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    #6
    Gaz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,586 ✭✭✭Gaz


    Think about the group also and how much that means to you... if this group is as close as you say do you think it could survive you dumping one and moving onto the next ..... it sounds like what you want to do will break up you lot as a group of close friends .... he will not be happy with you and your gf definilty wont .... that should make for some interesting nights in the pub.


    i say look further a field ...


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    #7
    WhiteWashMan
    Registered Users Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    get your finger out.

    who do you like more?

    stop with the procrastinating, and make with the action. and if you get it wrong, hell, you learned a lesson.

    but no-one can tell you what to do, that, is just something you will have to do on your own.


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    #8
    Mewzel
    Closed Accounts Posts: 943 ✭✭✭Mewzel


    i agree with thedrowner that if you're any sort of real friend to this guy you'll stay away from his ex.

    and you gotta break up with your current girlfriend, its just plain mean to string her along like this.


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    #9
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Originally posted by thedrowner
    well, i feel its more about, do unto others as u would have done unto u. or some saying like that. if i was cut up over a bloke, and a really close mate asked me if she could date him, i would say yes, and then probably secretely hate her for the next 10 years and it would all come out one day. i think he should suss it out first, how the bloke is feeling, and i do think he should talk to the girl he wants as well, like u said, carpe diem.
    I have to disagree here.
    In this case, the do onto others etc is nonsense.

    The original poster above must do what makes him happy, and start by testing the water, ie take the girl for a beer or a coffee.
    He should dump the temporary, GF immediately, no matter how bad that makes her feel in the short term
    We don't exist in this life to be miserable, you know, we are here for too short a time, and should grasp love when it comes.
    Staying with the temp GF will lead to misery eventually for both parties and thats not good enough.

    Regarding the Girls ex and his best friend, that shouldn't be a problem.
    Sort your own feelings out first and if her ex is a real friend he won't mind that ye are both happy.
    And if he does mind, you are better off making new friends anyhow, something thats easier when you are a couple.
    Easier still, if this situation works out and both of ye are so happy that, that in itself attracts other people to ye.
    mm


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    #10
    Typedef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,564 ✭✭✭Typedef


    i agree with thedrowner that if you're any sort of real friend to this guy you'll stay away from his ex.

    Hey buddy, the two of them aren't going out with each other anymore, end of story, the relationship is over, hasta la vista.

    Ok, so he probably shouldn't be dating a girl he is iffy about to begin with, but does his mate pining over his ex-girlfriend, really mean this guy shouldn't chase this girl?

    I don't think so and yes, I have been in this situation many, many times before.

    The important thing is to move on and not to be held back because he doesn't want to hurt his mate.

    Men are, after all, supposed to understand this sort of thing, ie, not being a damned whinge.

    If his mate can't handle his firend No-One going out with his ex, then he's not much of a mate, simply a selfish, feeling sorry for himself whine.

    I'd say ultimately it will be the girl his mate ends up resenting more then his friend (No-One) the original poster, but being this guy's friend, one way he can help his friend move on, is to go out with his ex-girlfriend.

    This will help him stop pining after her and look elsewhere (as he should be doing).

    Ok, now No-One's girlfriend could make it difficult for No-One, by attempting to turn the girl in question away from No-One, but that is, umm a chance he is willing to take or isn't.

    basically.

    edit: He should dump the temporary, GF immediately, no matter how bad that makes her feel in the short term

    Agree. The temporary is a 'bad' idea. Really, it's just a waste of his time and her time (no pun).


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    #11
    nillis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭nillis


    Well if I was dumped by a girl that I really liked and then my 'best mate' started going out with her I would not whinge at him, I would give him an arse kickin he would never forget.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Some solid advice, thanks everyone. I'm going to act on it aswell. Expect an update by the end of the week. Thanks again.


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    #13
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Originally posted by nillis
    Well if I was dumped by a girl that I really liked and then my 'best mate' started going out with her I would not whinge at him, I would give him an arse kickin he would never forget.
    If I was the best mate in question, and you even tried to do that, you would be out the door, no questions, bye, bye, you are no friend, just immature:rolleyes:
    Lets face it, if you are dumped by your girlfriend, theres something wrong with the relationship.
    If as in this case , the guy was dumped for reasons other than anything to do with another friend and then that friend susequently goes out with the girl and they are happy then the girls ex has no reason other than jealosy to be mad.
    When theres jealousy, like that the friendship whether "best" or not is doomed anyway.

    Nobody has the right to interfere with other peoples relationships in a malicous way, when it is a happy relationship, and especially when there is no hope that the person interfering ie, as an example the ex boyfriend in this case has no hope of getting back together with the Girl-to do so in that case would be just pure badness on their part-they should move on.
    mm


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    #14
    thedrowner
    Registered Users Posts: 2,287 ✭✭✭thedrowner


    Originally posted by Man
    I have to disagree here.
    In this case, the do onto others etc is nonsense.

    The original poster above must do what makes him happy, and start by testing the water, ie take the girl for a beer or a coffee.

    well, i woudlnt be very happy if i lost my best friend coz i couldnt stay out of a relationship that wouldve upset her. im not saying thats going to happen, but i think its a good idea to test the water like u said and see how both he and she feel about it, because the consequesnces may not be worth it in the end. im just saying...u might upset him...u might not, but you can tell him how u feel and see if its gonna be a problem for him.


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    #15
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Originally posted by thedrowner
    well, i woudlnt be very happy if i lost my best friend coz i couldnt stay out of a relationship that wouldve upset her. im not saying thats going to happen, but i think its a good idea to test the water like u said and see how both he and she feel about it, because the consequesnces may not be worth it in the end. im just saying...u might upset him...u might not, but you can tell him how u feel and see if its gonna be a problem for him.
    yeap, thats a good plan and what I'd be advising, however, I would be advising testing the water with my mates ex first before saying anything, and indeed, if it went well, would say nothing for a while to my mate.
    If he went mad, well, then it's a judgement call, and tbh regardless of who it is, if "no_one" above does hit it off with his mates ex and they are going out and everything is just bliss, then her ex going mad just has to be ignored really, it's his problem.
    mm


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    #16
    WhiteWashMan
    Registered Users Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    a couple of elssons at hte school of hard knocks and an education in life is needed here for you lot i think.

    talk about misguided.

    when did anyone of note ever start doing things because they were worried about their best mate?

    jesus, if this was the case, sure thered be no such thing as soap opera.
    and wouldnt sunday afternoon be boring with no albert street. id be well upset anyway.

    no bugger off the lot of ye and go and do the dirt on each other and snog your best mates fella and shag your best friends girl and then post the pictures up here and tell us how everything went.

    cheers.


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    #17
    Typedef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,564 ✭✭✭Typedef


    Originally posted by thedrowner
    well, i woudlnt be very happy if i lost my best friend coz i couldnt stay out of a relationship that wouldve upset her.

    Not much of a friend if she is so self absorbed that she insists you can't go out with person (x), next thing you know she'd be stamping her feet in a tantrum.

    If any of my mates tried to dictate to me who I could and couldn't go out with under threat of them "not being my friend", I'd tell them to go take a flying f*ck.


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    #18
    nillis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭nillis


    Look at this situation realistically everyone.

    He is into his friends ex and not his current girlfriend. Now if they are all a tight group of friends and they all hang out a lot together then the chick that he likes knows that he likes her. Girls can easily sense these things. Now considering that she knows that he likes her she still has obviously tried to avoid the situation, perhaps hoping that he will eventually get over her(which he probably will).

    How old is this dude anyway? he could be a seventeen year old with a bad crush and some of you are talking about this being his one true love. Get real people. There are lots of chicks out there, it is not worth losing friends over this one.


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    #19
    Typedef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,564 ✭✭✭Typedef


    Originally posted by nillis
    Now considering that she knows that he likes her she still has obviously tried to avoid the situation, perhaps hoping that he will eventually get over her(which he probably will).

    Go on. Seriously in a group of friends it is not unusual to mix and match like this and the fact the the girl this guy fancies has dumped her fella in the knowledge that, this will send ripples through the group is explicitive enough.

    This chick obviously fancies him and it is the case that the next move is in fact his!

    That's right, it's all very tacit I'm sure, but I think that deep down there has been this unspoken arrangement between no-one and the fancied girl in question that yes the do both fancy each other.

    Come now, I would say that this guy dumps his current girlfriend and within oh, say a month he hooks up with the girl he really fancies.

    And what wrong with that?
    Nothing.


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    #20
    Typedef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,564 ✭✭✭Typedef


    Originally posted by Typedef

    That's right, it's all very tacit I'm sure, but I think that deep down there has been this unspoken arrangement between no-one and the fancied girl in question that yes the do both fancy each other.

    And being a hard hearted cold calculating prick about it, sure hey.
    He can dump chick(x) , try for chick(y) and if that doesn't work... go back to chick(x).

    Note to all the female members, I did not in fact just say that.
    Date me.


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I really would like to think that the girl I like secretly likes me. But we are very close and shes quite a forward individual so she probably would have said something.

    It wont actually be this week I do anything, because my its my GF's birtday on Friday and I dont want to spoil it on her.

    Good advice, keep it coming please.


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    #22
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    she may have said nothing, you know because, you have a girlfriend ...and she may think that you are happy there...
    So I say , out with it, and test the water :)
    mm


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    #23
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Originally posted by nillis
    Look at this situation realistically everyone.

    He is into his friends ex and not his current girlfriend. Now if they are all a tight group of friends and they all hang out a lot together then the chick that he likes knows that he likes her. Girls can easily sense these things. Now considering that she knows that he likes her she still has obviously tried to avoid the situation, perhaps hoping that he will eventually get over her(which he probably will).

    How old is this dude anyway? he could be a seventeen year old with a bad crush and some of you are talking about this being his one true love. Get real people. There are lots of chicks out there, it is not worth losing friends over this one.
    Well thats the point I made earlier,If he loses his "best friend" over this, then he wasn't his best friend at all really, just a selfish git!
    There are loads of situations like this happening every day, and lots of them work out for the best, ie there would have neen no reason to worry about friends reactions at all.
    And as regards:
    How old is this dude anyway? he could be a seventeen year old with a bad crush and some of you are talking about this being his one true love. Get real people. There are lots of chicks out there, it is not worth losing friends over this one.
    If you took that approach to everyone you ever fancied, then you'd end up with no one.
    You'll never know what your missing unless you make an effort to make whatever happen, and the result could be the best thing ever, or at worst in this case, only his friends ex is being told about it, if she doesn't feel the attracted to no-one, then it's only a case of being back to square one.
    She's hardly going to tell her Ex.
    And the current relationsip, that no-one has will end eventually anyhow, or at least thats what I'd be advising-so no loss-Go for it!
    mm


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    #24
    Seraphina
    Registered Users Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭Seraphina


    jesus dump the girlfriend if you dont like her, thats kinda obvious.
    and if you go out with this other girl, you've pretty much screwed all your close friendships up.
    my advice
    look around. there's plenty of fish in the sea. i find groups of friends that swap girlfriends and boyfriends very odd tbh.


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    #25
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    But Seraphina, the point is, the "friendships" are not close and are to a large degree false, if they can be messed up by, this guy just expressing his feelings.
    Assuming he tells, his friends ex, and she says thanks but no thanks, then by all accounts, if they are close, and it seems that they are, then she should and probably would not, tell her ex about his friends attraction to her.

    In which case, nothing is lost by testing the water and there is everything to gain.

    Two gains,being, it might work out and they become an item and second, the true nature of his friendships within a small group are tested, and proved to be either true...or false.
    mm


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    #26
    Seraphina
    Registered Users Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭Seraphina


    there's too many variables in the situation to give decent advice tbh
    she might like him and they could go out and be happy
    she might like him but think its too awkward with the friends thing
    she might not like him and be a good friend and stay quiet
    she might not like him and be a not so good friend and tell the others
    and thats just HER what about his current girlfriend and the girl he likes ex-boyfriend?
    either way he's prolly going to piss someone off and he'd better tread carefully

    man... so he tests his friends? yay. what if he finds out they're not really very close friends?
    not very close friends are prolly better than no friends....
    just my 2c


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    #27
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Well which is worse then...pining after someone and not finding out whether theres a chance they might like you?
    Or the consequenses of the finding out?

    Now, the thread starter "no-one" has told us, that he gets on great with, this girl, and tbh he's the best judge, of whether , they get on well enough, that she will say nothing if she doesnt want a relationship.

    I doubt, very much if, testing the water is going to lead to the guy having no friends, thats being a little melodramatic.
    Chin up, I say and go for it , if he feels thats what he must do:)
    mm


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    #28
    po0k
    Registered Users Posts: 15,815 ✭✭✭✭po0k


    Follow your cock


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    #29
    Seraphina
    Registered Users Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭Seraphina


    sorry im just a very pessimisstic person :)


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    #30
    Typedef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,564 ✭✭✭Typedef


    Chicks always say things like "Oh dont' go out with her for reason (x)", there are plenty of fish in the sea.

    The fallacy of that logic is, if you spend your time (not) going out with your close friends, you invariably end up chasing strangers or people you don't know very well.

    Girls of all people should appreciate the fact that this guy likes one of his close friends and actually desires a relationship that is (something more), which means that it's not just sex, which means in the entire apres-sex environment, if the man actually likes the woman (as a friend), the intamacy is possible, as opposed to a quick shag and then realising that the other 50% of your relationship simply "doesn't" exist.

    I can't believe a girl is saying "You should be looking for a more frivolous relationship" as it's normally the principal reason girls hate men : ie the man's supposed inability to commit.

    Honestly, if you don't go out with your friends then who 'do' you go out with?

    The pretty girl who works in the shop around the corner?


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    #31
    lola d
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭lola d


    if this girl is as forward as you say, don't you think she might have given you some sort of hint she might be interested in you. there isn't a guy out there who is good friends with a girl that hasn't had some sort of sexually feelings towards her. It comes with the terrority.

    get this one out of your head straight away. you my boy are going down one slipperly slope.


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