Nirina's Little Corner...

Nirina

all is gone because sorry, but i don't rly lik to take critisizm, and this was not nice at all. i won't b posting here anymore.

el_tiddlero

hmm, i didnt really like this... read like an argument that you might have in your head when your too afraid to have it for real...
this bit was especially poor i thought...
"Go away, you’re such a prick!
Go away. Aahh!
Go away, stop being a bitch!
Go away. Aahh!"
in terms of using the language well or providing any kind of insight into life this poem fails, miserably... "cos" is not a word and should neverbe treated as one...
as for your copyright isn't "I thought you loved me, cos you used to hug me" a little similar to Avril's "you used to love me you used to hug me" (thats petty i know, but on a board of writers you should have more respect than to assume everyone is going to try to rip you off!!)
what is "wiltering "????? i've never heard of it...
overall its poor, it has no flow, no rhythm, no style and very very little substance....
must try harder i think....
you have to start somewhere though and its brave to put anything up at all so fairplay for that...

TerrorFirmer

You are too full of yourself. Whats with all the copyright stuff.

Now - this is my opinion only - its very simple in a bad way, and very childish in parts, especially the section the above poster mentioned.

Poor.

It sounds like maybe it'd make some kind of typical metal song, but not much else I'm afriad.

BEAT

well, I dont want to discourage you as I feel someone may be telling you that your writing is great but this piece is not publishing material.
Feel free to post up some more of your work for us to get a better feel of what kind of wrtier you are but this piece seems to need some work. I understand the feeling you are trying to get across but it reads more like a letter than a piece of poetry.

also on a side note, Your sig is too big, Resize it or it will be removed.

Nirina

well its bye bye t you all from here. no more of my work, i don't like this sorta critisizm, as i'v gone thru hell to write and lines may seem similar, but i don't steal words.

BEAT

Nirina,
we are not trying to drive you away. You must understand that as a writer it must be in your nature to accept both good and bad criticism.
Often times it makes you a better writer...but if you cant accept people not liking your work then perhaps it is best not to post on an open forum.
Feel free to come back whenever you have accepted the fact that being a writer means being open to criticism.

Nirina

well its not that. i do wanna show you, but i don't like how you say its so poor and bad. i don't like that, so if u wanna read my work u can go to my site. Close this topic too, if ya want

TerrorFirmer

This is incidentially a sign of a poor writer.

I'm sorry you are so troubled, but did you honestly expect everyone to fall at your feet and hail your poem?

Possibly the biggest part of writing is being open to correction and criticism alongside praise.

If you can't take it and get all sulky when someone criticises your work, then just stop writing.

Nirina

Well its just, if u don't like it you can say so, but not wat y'all wrote. that was too harsh. i hav a lot of work written, and on many other boards they say wat they think. And most like it, i don't mind if u don't like it. You don't hav to, but jus don't b so hard on me

TerrorFirmer

Nirina wrote:

Well its just, if u don't like it you can say so, but not wat y'all wrote. that was too harsh. i hav a lot of work written, and on many other boards they say wat they think. And most like it, i don't mind if u don't like it. You don't hav to, but jus don't b so hard on me

If people don't give their honest opinion, its not going to lead to the proper mistakes being corrected.

Creative writing is a harsh world

Would there be a point if everyone just posted either "I like it" or "I dont like it"?

Nirina

well no, but its just "this is so poor" or "you're too full of yourself". thats not a very nice thing to write, is it? i mean it hurt me. I'll post one more song, but if this happens again i won't bother at all. Understood to all??

TerrorFirmer

Nirina wrote:

well no, but its just "this is so poor" or "you're too full of yourself". thats not a very nice thing to write, is it? i mean it hurt me. I'll post one more song, but if this happens again i won't bother at all. Understood to all??

You are not paying us for a service. You are using a public board. If you want to post your creative writing, then be prepared to receive criticism. Sorry, but that's the way it works. I like criticism, it genuinely improves things I may have missed out on, or missed opportunities, etc.

Its the best way to improve yourself.

Nirina

ok fine, but just try to be a bit nice.

Black Roses

Verse 1
I feel so much, like a little black rose.
Wiltering, dieing, fading away.
I’m hoping for the rain to come,
To sweep away the bad feelings of today.

Chorus
So black inside,
Too dark outside.
I don’t have any light to guide me.
So cry on the inside,
And lie for the outside.
This black rose is me.

Like a stem, my body’s been stabbed with thorns,
growing deep into me.
But as the sun hits my petals, as it touches my skin,
I open up to you, as you once did to me.

Chorus

Caress my body
Look me in the eye,
Say you love me before I die.
Say you want me, and will never leave me.
But all black roses leave, so why do I lie?

Chorus

© Nirina 2005

Nidge

Nirina wrote:

well no, but its just "this is so poor" or "you're too full of yourself". thats not a very nice thing to write, is it? i mean it hurt me. I'll post one more song, but if this happens again i won't bother at all. Understood to all??

Yeah I understand, we really want to keep you posting so we'll compliment it to the hilt.

Nirina

Nidge wrote:

Yeah I understand, we really want to keep you posting so we'll compliment it to the hilt.

thanx, but put some honesty in the compliment, but not mean mean harshness!

skywalker

I think that was sarcasm.

Nirina

what was?

skywalker

Nidge wrote:

Yeah I understand, we really want to keep you posting so we'll compliment it to the hilt.

That.

Nirina

yes i know, but part of it wasn't, right..?

skywalker

I think it all was. Sorry

I enjoyed the rose poem btw, couldnt read the original one as its been removed.

Nirina

oh lol, well at least it wasn't mean.

And u did like it? thanx, i had deleted "Why?" bcoz thats wat got this whole 'u have to take critisizm stuff' starting. But i'll post more iff ppl will at least appreciate the courage it takes to write something, and post it to strangers, no offence.

BEAT

Id suggest you posting your original piece back up Narina, so the rest of this thread makes sense.
The second piece was a lot better but still not quite up to par.
Id delve into it more but I dont want to hurt your feelings...
Id just say to keep writing and with time, age and practice you will get better.
ofcourse we appreciate anyone taking the time to post a piece of thier work up, its a part of the person writing it and often times its very personal to them so criticism can be taken the wrong way.

There have been worse things posted trust me, perhaps its just not my cup of tea. I am sure you will get some good feedback if you leave it up long enough for people to read

LadyJ

People do appreciate your courage but no one should post here simply looking for compliments.
Some people won't like your poetry and others will. Constructive criticism is a good thing. Once you know what you need to work on then you can improve.

skywalker

Yeah I enjoyed the imagery in it, it was easy to mentally picture the details you were trying to convey. I thought it was good stuff.

And as for the whole criticism thing, dont take it to heart. I definitely appreciate that its not easy to put somehing youve put time & effort into creating out there for everyone to see, but others might looking at it more objectively for that very reason.

Every person who creates anything has to develop a thick hide, & make the criticism into something positive.

Nirina

@Latin Beat: i don't want to be rude, but spell my name right plz. Ppl get it wrong too often. Now, i guess i shud put it back, and since its one of my much earlier works that could be the reason. And i guess i shud admit, now that i'm 15 i will hav better skills at writing.
@LadyJ: thanx, i'll do so and try my best not to get too sensitive.
@skywalker: i'll try not to take it too much at heart, and loosen up then. here's another...

I Ask; How Are You?

Why do you hate me?
I thought we were friends.
You say I’m too happy,
You say I’m so needy.
How do I compare to the rest?
They look so pretty when dressed.
Do you want me to go?
If yes, I’ll do so.

Why am I not who you want?
Why am I different to them?
I try my best to be sad, I’ve tried to be happy.
I’ll try to be the one you want.
I’ll dress like them.
So I ask; how are you?

Why d’you still hate me?
Is it because I cannot be, the one you want?
So we’re not friends anymore.
You like the ones who flaunt.
I tried to be like them but fell the other way.
Instead I’ve fallen for them,
And no matter what you say,
I think I prefer it this way.

I’m not the one you want
And I’ve tried to be them.
I was happy, and now I’m sad.
I’ll stop being the one you liked
Because I’ve fallen in love with them
So I ask; how are you?

A lust, a love, this feeling.
I asked, I’ve tried, for the feeling.
I asked of your love,
So I ask; How are you?

© Nirina 2005

Does this one sound too childish?

TerrorFirmer

One thing is for sure, its alot better then your original deleted post! Last two are not bad at all.

LadyJ

Nirina wrote:

Does this one sound too childish?

Tbh Nirina,your profile says your 15 or so I think,and this poem is quite teenagey,which is ok because you're a teenager.
It's not bad though.

Nirina

I am 15, yes. And i jus meant does it sound childish in the way its delivered. but i'm glad ur liking these a bit more..

skywalker

That last one has a bit of an angsty teenage vibe to it alright but I wouldnt call it childish.

Nirina

ok, thats good to hear I'm just picking which to post now..

BEAT

Sorry about that NIRINA, Id guessed you were no more than 16 before you posted that but I didnt want to say that because I thought you might have taken it as insult...
all in all your poetry goes well with your age and Id imagine if you keep at it the poetry will improve as you grow and learn.

On a side note...
When you are posting a new piece please start a new thread.
One piece of work per thread so you are sure to have them each read

Nidge

Nirina wrote:

@Latin Beat: i don't want to be rude, but spell my name right plz. Ppl get it wrong too often. Now, i guess i shud put it back, and since its one of my much earlier works that could be the reason. And i guess i shud admit, now that i'm 15 i will hav better skills at writing.
@LadyJ: thanx, i'll do so and try my best not to get too sensitive.
@skywalker: i'll try not to take it too much at heart, and loosen up then. here's another...

I don't know whether this is irony or ignorance, but in the same paragraph you ask someone to spell your name right you use words like; "ppl, plz, hav, shud, thanx" and you don't capitalise isolated "i"s. If you insist on people spelling your name correctly, then you should probably spell things correctly yourself. Plus, if language is your tool to get your thoughts across to people in your lyrics or poetry you might aswell use it properly.

The second poem you posted you said something along the lines of "I am the Black Rose". What function has this in the poem, giving away what the imagery is symbolising? I don't understand why people do this you are not the first person on boards I have seen do this. People should be allowed to form their own interpretation of the poem, a sentence like that just gives everything away and has no place in the poem.

Also, another line saying something like; "please rain to wash everything away," that reminds me an awful lot of "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden, maybe you should give it a listen, what I mean is it's kind of a used image. Anyway good luck on improving and keep going at it.

Nirina

@Latin beat: lol, thanx for the spell check there, wasn't trying to be mean, hope ya know that ^^ Also i guess my age does reflect upon what i write, as i'm young, i write lyrics that are coming from my surroundings. And i'll not that i shall start a new thread for each new song. Thanx

@Nidge: the reason i don't like ppl spelling my name wrong, is bcoz i feel it's insulting. If my name's written up in black and white, ya can at least spell it right, or just copy & paste it if ur not sure. And the reason i don't spell correctly, or at least not some words, is honestly bcoz i'm lazy!! Plus the non-capitalising my "i"s is bcoz my hand doesn't feel like shifting across to that SHIFT button all the time.
In "Black Roses", its saying that a black rose, and the person, are alike. The thorns of a stem, the thorns in a body (pain really); and bcoz flowers die, roses die, so its saying that because its a rose, it leaves anyway. "so why lie?" get me?

randomhuman

Nidge wrote:

Also, another line saying something like; "please rain to wash everything away," that reminds me an awful lot of "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden, maybe you should give it a listen, what I mean is it's kind of a used image. Anyway good luck on improving and keep going at it.

That's just ridiculous. Compare and contrast:

Nirina wrote:

I’m hoping for the rain to come,
To sweep away the bad feelings of today.

Soundgarden wrote:

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain

She didn't even use the word wash ffs.

I thought Black Roses was pretty good, but some of it was a bit awkward, like the line above.

Nidge

It didn't really sound an awful lot like you were comparing you just said "the Black Rose is me". That's fairly direct and to the point.

RandomHuman you needn't get so over the top, I didn't go and check the lyrics but certainly they are not the same, there's a similarity. Either that's certainly not the best example but certainly I've heard the "rain washing everything away" jibe before.

Nirina I hope you use the effort you save, by abbreviating your language, on writing your lyrics.

ANarcho-Munk

That last one sounds very cheesy and teen angsty, I just generally don't like it and I feel that's it's just an awkward poem, maybe if you re-arranged the rhytm of it.

randomhuman

Nidge wrote:

RandomHuman you needn't get so over the top, I didn't go and check the lyrics but certainly they are not the same, there's a similarity. Either that's certainly not the best example but certainly I've heard the "rain washing everything away" jibe before.

Yeah, it's a bit of a cliche I think. But Blackhole Sun definitely wasn't the best example.

ExOffender

Nidge wrote:

The second poem you posted you said something along the lines of "I am the Black Rose". What function has this in the poem, giving away what the imagery is symbolising?

tbh dude, it was no big secret. Which does make saying it redundant, but it is her poem. A lot of poems use repetition; why not redundancy?

People should be allowed to form their own interpretation of the poem, a sentence like that just gives everything away and has no place in the poem.

It's impossible to prevent people forming their own opinions. But their opinion is grounded in the written text, which is informed by the author's intent. So any interpretation of her poem must incorporate that line. Are you just complaining that it limits the scope of interpretation? It's a perfectly valid point, but you make it sound like she's broken some rule or something.

Um... overall, Nirina, your stuff tbh is utterly not my cup of tea, can't see the appeal. But never mind me.

Nidge

ExOffender wrote:

. Are you just complaining that it limits the scope of interpretation?

This is my point, yes, I'm not trying to enforce rules by any means. But to me if a writer does that, it just satisfies themselves, they are imposing an exact meaning offering little to the reader, it becomes like preaching rather than something to think about. I believe we should all be able to form our opinions rather than the meaning being handed on a plate, the line also has no other function rhythmically or rhyming-wise or otherwise, all it does is reveal the focus point of the imagery.

To Randomhuman, no Black Hole Sun certainly wasn't the best example but it was the first thing that sprang to mind because of the similarities.

skywalker

Nidge wrote:

I don't know whether this is irony or ignorance, but in the same paragraph you ask someone to spell your name right you use words like; "ppl, plz, hav, shud, thanx" and you don't capitalise isolated "i"s. If you insist on people spelling your name correctly, then you should probably spell things correctly yourself. Plus, if language is your tool to get your thoughts across to people in your lyrics or poetry you might aswell use it properly.

Im sorry but I've got to agree completely with Nidge, you've no right to go off on someone for one spelling mistake & then freely acknowledge your own poor spelling with the justification that your lazy.

Zapho

skywalker wrote:

Im sorry but I've got to agree completely with Nidge, you've no right to go off on someone for one spelling mistake & then freely acknowledge your own poor spelling with the justification that your lazy.

Come on lads, Nirina is only asking for advice on her poetry, there's no need to rant about her spelling

Nirina

wow, thanx everyone for posting. and btw i don't even KNOW this "black hole sun" yolk you speak of!! So no way i could've thot of it. And i do keep my proper grammar in lyrics and proper writing. Just the net is a place i can chill with all this stufff.

"I ask; how are you?" isn't one of my faves, but i do like Black Roses. And i thank you all for saying it was good, but not fabulous. Hoensty's what i wanna hear, just nothing over the toply mean. get me?

Ok, i'll post off this thread, as Latin beat says its better.

Zapho

Black Hole Sun is a great song by Soundgarden (front man Chris Cornell). The chorus lyrics are:
"Black hole sun, won't ya come,
and wash away the rain?
Black hole sun, won't ya come,
won't ya come...."
Fantastic song, I suggest you get it!

BEAT

excellent song, how could anyone not know it!
ahhh memories. . .

ok now back on topic everyone

Nirina

Ah ok, well i still don't see resemblence in the two!!

Custom22

Let's see, a black rose, full of thorns, hate, sorrow, death. Sorry, is it just me or are you filling just about every teen angst poetry cliche right there? In my opinion its not a great poem. It says noting that has not been said before. The comparison certainly isn't original. Its so so similar to 99% of teen poetry I have ever read. The writing had no redeeming qualities I could spot to be honest. You are only fifteen so writing obviously has not been something you have been doing for years, but my advice would be to try to break away from writing about the same tired old topics and take a view on something less talked about and covered.

Why the hell are the majority of the poems on here so gloomy and angsty? Just because you are below the age of twenty doesn't mean you have to wallow in self pity and sorrow. If you really have to do it, at least try to make it a bit more individualistic.

BEAT

custom22,
the thing you must remember is that you and I may be used to seeing this type of poetry/writing but she may not. It IS original to her because she just wrote it and is young, so for her this is normal and original and as she ages it will change.
So unless there is some constructive criticism I dont want to see anymore attacking of the writer please.
thanks...consider this a warning to all since we already covered these topics.

Custom22

The thing is, when you do say something constructive you get a response like:

Angsty teenager wrote:

Well, i wirte wat i feel from d heart and i'm trying to get btr all d time. The more i write the more i'll get better u know?

Le Rack

Custom22 wrote:

The thing is, when you do say something constructive you get a response like:

hey that was practically quoting me!

well the response...

Nirina, if I let insults get to me, on my writing I would have curled up in a ball a long time ago and would never have been heard of again, but if you've got an ambition as a write of some kind, you gotta fight through everything, and the fact you have that ambition alone, gives you some aspect of talent, you just have to keep working on it and take in everyone's criticism, if you've seen any of my writing you'll know most people on here aren't too fond of me at al, but I wanted to write and I wanted to get good at it, so I said f*ck it and kept charging ahead. I'm no Yeats, Plath, Wordsworth, or shakespeare but I'm getting better. So don't let the insults get to you, just keep up the work.

btw I don't quite understand "I went through hell to write" if you don't wanna talk about it its okay but it doesn't really make much sense.

pwd

I didn't see the first, liked the second, fairly indifferent to the third.

Blush_01

To be honest, Nirina, I think Custom22 has been right on the button with every comment so far. You're only 15, heading into your junior cert from what I can see on your site (which is not a big deal, by the way, just do a bit of work and don't let yourself get too stressed and you'll do fine!) and what you've written is very angsty. But keep at it, try something other than love, loss and suicide and you might hit on something.

Best of luck!