Nirina's Little Corner...

Nirina

all is gone because sorry, but i don't rly lik to take critisizm, and this was not nice at all. i won't b posting here anymore.

el_tiddlero

hmm, i didnt really like this... read like an argument that you might have in your head when your too afraid to have it for real...
this bit was especially poor i thought...
"Go away, you’re such a prick!
Go away. Aahh!
Go away, stop being a bitch!
Go away. Aahh!"
in terms of using the language well or providing any kind of insight into life this poem fails, miserably... "cos" is not a word and should neverbe treated as one...
as for your copyright isn't "I thought you loved me, cos you used to hug me" a little similar to Avril's "you used to love me you used to hug me" (thats petty i know, but on a board of writers you should have more respect than to assume everyone is going to try to rip you off!!)
what is "wiltering "????? i've never heard of it...
overall its poor, it has no flow, no rhythm, no style and very very little substance....
must try harder i think....
you have to start somewhere though and its brave to put anything up at all so fairplay for that...

TerrorFirmer

You are too full of yourself. Whats with all the copyright stuff.

Now - this is my opinion only - its very simple in a bad way, and very childish in parts, especially the section the above poster mentioned.

Poor.

It sounds like maybe it'd make some kind of typical metal song, but not much else I'm afriad.

BEAT

well, I dont want to discourage you as I feel someone may be telling you that your writing is great but this piece is not publishing material.
Feel free to post up some more of your work for us to get a better feel of what kind of wrtier you are but this piece seems to need some work. I understand the feeling you are trying to get across but it reads more like a letter than a piece of poetry.

also on a side note, Your sig is too big, Resize it or it will be removed.

Nirina

well its bye bye t you all from here. no more of my work, i don't like this sorta critisizm, as i'v gone thru hell to write and lines may seem similar, but i don't steal words.

BEAT

Nirina,
we are not trying to drive you away. You must understand that as a writer it must be in your nature to accept both good and bad criticism.
Often times it makes you a better writer...but if you cant accept people not liking your work then perhaps it is best not to post on an open forum.
Feel free to come back whenever you have accepted the fact that being a writer means being open to criticism.

Nirina

well its not that. i do wanna show you, but i don't like how you say its so poor and bad. i don't like that, so if u wanna read my work u can go to my site. Close this topic too, if ya want

TerrorFirmer

This is incidentially a sign of a poor writer.

I'm sorry you are so troubled, but did you honestly expect everyone to fall at your feet and hail your poem?

Possibly the biggest part of writing is being open to correction and criticism alongside praise.

If you can't take it and get all sulky when someone criticises your work, then just stop writing.

Nirina

Well its just, if u don't like it you can say so, but not wat y'all wrote. that was too harsh. i hav a lot of work written, and on many other boards they say wat they think. And most like it, i don't mind if u don't like it. You don't hav to, but jus don't b so hard on me

TerrorFirmer

Nirina wrote:

Well its just, if u don't like it you can say so, but not wat y'all wrote. that was too harsh. i hav a lot of work written, and on many other boards they say wat they think. And most like it, i don't mind if u don't like it. You don't hav to, but jus don't b so hard on me

If people don't give their honest opinion, its not going to lead to the proper mistakes being corrected.

Creative writing is a harsh world

Would there be a point if everyone just posted either "I like it" or "I dont like it"?

Nirina

well no, but its just "this is so poor" or "you're too full of yourself". thats not a very nice thing to write, is it? i mean it hurt me. I'll post one more song, but if this happens again i won't bother at all. Understood to all??

TerrorFirmer

Nirina wrote:

well no, but its just "this is so poor" or "you're too full of yourself". thats not a very nice thing to write, is it? i mean it hurt me. I'll post one more song, but if this happens again i won't bother at all. Understood to all??

You are not paying us for a service. You are using a public board. If you want to post your creative writing, then be prepared to receive criticism. Sorry, but that's the way it works. I like criticism, it genuinely improves things I may have missed out on, or missed opportunities, etc.

Its the best way to improve yourself.

Nirina

ok fine, but just try to be a bit nice.

Black Roses

Verse 1
I feel so much, like a little black rose.
Wiltering, dieing, fading away.
I’m hoping for the rain to come,
To sweep away the bad feelings of today.

Chorus
So black inside,
Too dark outside.
I don’t have any light to guide me.
So cry on the inside,
And lie for the outside.
This black rose is me.

Like a stem, my body’s been stabbed with thorns,
growing deep into me.
But as the sun hits my petals, as it touches my skin,
I open up to you, as you once did to me.

Chorus

Caress my body
Look me in the eye,
Say you love me before I die.
Say you want me, and will never leave me.
But all black roses leave, so why do I lie?

Chorus

© Nirina 2005

Nidge

Nirina wrote:

well no, but its just "this is so poor" or "you're too full of yourself". thats not a very nice thing to write, is it? i mean it hurt me. I'll post one more song, but if this happens again i won't bother at all. Understood to all??

Yeah I understand, we really want to keep you posting so we'll compliment it to the hilt.

Nirina

Nidge wrote:

Yeah I understand, we really want to keep you posting so we'll compliment it to the hilt.

thanx, but put some honesty in the compliment, but not mean mean harshness!

skywalker

I think that was sarcasm.

Nirina

what was?

skywalker

Nidge wrote:

Yeah I understand, we really want to keep you posting so we'll compliment it to the hilt.

That.

Nirina

yes i know, but part of it wasn't, right..?

skywalker

I think it all was. Sorry

I enjoyed the rose poem btw, couldnt read the original one as its been removed.

Nirina

oh lol, well at least it wasn't mean.

And u did like it? thanx, i had deleted "Why?" bcoz thats wat got this whole 'u have to take critisizm stuff' starting. But i'll post more iff ppl will at least appreciate the courage it takes to write something, and post it to strangers, no offence.

BEAT

Id suggest you posting your original piece back up Narina, so the rest of this thread makes sense.
The second piece was a lot better but still not quite up to par.
Id delve into it more but I dont want to hurt your feelings...
Id just say to keep writing and with time, age and practice you will get better.
ofcourse we appreciate anyone taking the time to post a piece of thier work up, its a part of the person writing it and often times its very personal to them so criticism can be taken the wrong way.

There have been worse things posted trust me, perhaps its just not my cup of tea. I am sure you will get some good feedback if you leave it up long enough for people to read

LadyJ

People do appreciate your courage but no one should post here simply looking for compliments.
Some people won't like your poetry and others will. Constructive criticism is a good thing. Once you know what you need to work on then you can improve.

skywalker

Yeah I enjoyed the imagery in it, it was easy to mentally picture the details you were trying to convey. I thought it was good stuff.

And as for the whole criticism thing, dont take it to heart. I definitely appreciate that its not easy to put somehing youve put time & effort into creating out there for everyone to see, but others might looking at it more objectively for that very reason.

Every person who creates anything has to develop a thick hide, & make the criticism into something positive.

Nirina

@Latin Beat: i don't want to be rude, but spell my name right plz. Ppl get it wrong too often. Now, i guess i shud put it back, and since its one of my much earlier works that could be the reason. And i guess i shud admit, now that i'm 15 i will hav better skills at writing.
@LadyJ: thanx, i'll do so and try my best not to get too sensitive.
@skywalker: i'll try not to take it too much at heart, and loosen up then. here's another...

I Ask; How Are You?

Why do you hate me?
I thought we were friends.
You say I’m too happy,
You say I’m so needy.
How do I compare to the rest?
They look so pretty when dressed.
Do you want me to go?
If yes, I’ll do so.

Why am I not who you want?
Why am I different to them?
I try my best to be sad, I’ve tried to be happy.
I’ll try to be the one you want.
I’ll dress like them.
So I ask; how are you?

Why d’you still hate me?
Is it because I cannot be, the one you want?
So we’re not friends anymore.
You like the ones who flaunt.
I tried to be like them but fell the other way.
Instead I’ve fallen for them,
And no matter what you say,
I think I prefer it this way.

I’m not the one you want
And I’ve tried to be them.
I was happy, and now I’m sad.
I’ll stop being the one you liked
Because I’ve fallen in love with them
So I ask; how are you?

A lust, a love, this feeling.
I asked, I’ve tried, for the feeling.
I asked of your love,
So I ask; How are you?

© Nirina 2005

Does this one sound too childish?

TerrorFirmer

One thing is for sure, its alot better then your original deleted post! Last two are not bad at all.

LadyJ

Nirina wrote:

Does this one sound too childish?

Tbh Nirina,your profile says your 15 or so I think,and this poem is quite teenagey,which is ok because you're a teenager.
It's not bad though.

Nirina

I am 15, yes. And i jus meant does it sound childish in the way its delivered. but i'm glad ur liking these a bit more..

skywalker

That last one has a bit of an angsty teenage vibe to it alright but I wouldnt call it childish.

Nirina

ok, thats good to hear I'm just picking which to post now..

BEAT

Sorry about that NIRINA, Id guessed you were no more than 16 before you posted that but I didnt want to say that because I thought you might have taken it as insult...
all in all your poetry goes well with your age and Id imagine if you keep at it the poetry will improve as you grow and learn.

On a side note...
When you are posting a new piece please start a new thread.
One piece of work per thread so you are sure to have them each read