Favourite Family Guy Quotes:

Mr Moon

Post some quotes about the best cartoon out there here!

Lois: What did I tell you?
Peter: You told me not to drink at the stag party.
Lois: and what did you do?
Peter: I drank at the sta- Whoa... I almost fell right into that one!

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Ishmael

"INCREDIBLE INFLATABLE ARM FLAILING TUBE MAN!!!"
"African american?? hail a cab, praise the lord or just raise the roof"

jcoote

way too many but i like:

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy

Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear
(Peter is in court)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........You bastard

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

v-deniso

When Peter realises that Joe is in a wheelchair as he arrives for the baseball game.
Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert." `

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

jor el

There's just too many. Most recently though...
Peter: (To Lois) Meg was right, degrading yourself and women and something and all that noise.

smoke.me.a.kipper

Lois sees peter with a load of empty beer bottles)
Lois: Peter! its 8 in the morning!! are you drunk?
Peter: Nah, im just tired cos ive been up all night drinking.

RuggieBear

isn't there an o in country?

120_Minutes

"I'm playing the role of jesus, a man once protrayed on the big screen by geoffry hunter, you might remember him as the actor that william shatner replaced on star trek. appearently mr hunter was good enough to die for our sins, but not up to the task of seducing green women"

-stewie.

Nimrod's Son

Quagmire: "I felt guilty once but she woke up half way through".

JBoyle4eva

Lois is ahving a nightmare where she finds that Stweie has weapons and tourturing equipment in a room behind his closet. She is talking to him:

Lois: But why?
Stewie: Mother, you should be proud to be the mother of Satan. but too bad you've got to die. Cheerio

Stewie opens a hole in the floor and Lois is falling and screaming. Lois is then awoken by Peter.

Peter: Honey, what's the matter?
Lois: Oh, I was having a dream about Stewie and.........Cheerios? Oh, it's gone.


Peter in Interview:
Interviewer: So, where do you see yourself in a year?
Peter(Looking at family picture): (IN HIS HEAD: DON'T-SAY-DOING-YOUR-WIFE!DON'T-SAY-DOIONG-YOUR-WIFE!) Doing your........Son?

Mr Moon

Remember this?

Peter runs home after finding the winning scroll in his vomit. The beautiful "I've Got A Golden Ticket" music from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" plays. He's almost home, and he trips and falls. The music stops. He sits there clutching his knee for about thirty seconds.


"HHHHHHHH..."


"...AHH."


"HHHHHHHH..."


"...AHH."


"HHHHHHHH..."


"...AHH."


"HHHHHHHH..."


"...AHH."


"HHHHHHHH..."


"...AHH."


"HHHHHHHH..."


"...AHH."


"HHHHHHHH..."


"...AHH."

Mr Moon

Do I even need to comment on this? Classic!

crazy_dude6662

brian: do you wanna take a dump in mother maggies shoes? (stewie nods)
brian: yeah lets go take a dump in mother maggies shoes.


lois: you can only play when your drunk!
peter: no, i can fall down, vomit and make dirty calls to your sister when im drunk

arbeitsscheuer

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah...now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

butters scotch

Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.

JBoyle4eva

SebtheBum wrote:

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah...now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

What episode is this off? Can't remember it for the life of me!

Crucifix

JBoyle4eva wrote:

What episode is this off? Can't remember it for the life of me!

It's from one of the one's in Season four.

Edit: And that's post numero 1 thousand. Huzzah!

Beekay

Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."

amacachi

Peter: "I'd say 'Come again?'. Then I'd laugh because i said 'come' "

Peter: "Three days! That's tomorrow!"

Oh Lois, you naughty girl!... You dirty hustler! ... you filthy, stinking prostitute!.... you venereal disease carrying street-walking whore!

theres other too, but its half 4 in the morning

Ste.phen

Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off.

beefy

"This plan is so good it's retarded"

Sauron

Lois: Peter and I have always had trouble communicating...

*cut to Peter and Lois staring at a romantic sunset

Lois: Oh Peter, I love you

Peter *looks at watch : yeah, about quarter past five

JBoyle4eva

Lois: (answers telephone) Hello?
Peter: Hello Lois, I gonna be late coming home form the office. I'm swamped.
Lois: Peter the caller ID says you calling from the kitchen, and I can see you.

We see peter at the kitchen door eating a drumstick. He moves sideways.

Peter: Can you see me now?
Lois: No!
Peter: Now I'm @ the office.

Necronomicon

When Peter is busted for pretending to be a drug-addict to stay in the rehibilitation centre.
Woman: What's your name?

Peter: Um...um.....{looks at someone eating peas....I think...} Pea......um.....{sees someone crying}....tear........{sees a Griffin fyling}....Griffin. Peter Griffin! Damn it!

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
TV Exec: You...you can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Man I could go on all day. I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't seen any of season 4, but the first episode is pretty damn quotable.

In the trailer for 'Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify this':
Chris Tucker: You're craaazy Jesus! You're crazy!
Jesus: That's what my ex-wife said!

JBoyle4eva

Here's another one:

Tom Tucker (to mirrror):

• Ladies and Gentlemen, the president has been shot!
• Tragedy strikes the nation: The president has been shot!
• What's the president doing in this casket? find out after this!
  

jor el

Stewie has some great rants too. Like this in season 4:
Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

Or this from an earlier season:
Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Or one of my favorite (not a rant, but deadly all the same):
Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Hercule

Lois: Ive been trying to fill this hole inside me with these objects
Quagmire(Flailing his arms wildly):WHOAAOAOAOHOHOHO!
Lois:I guess I just have to lay back and let the penal system have its way with me
Quagmire(stops flailing his arms): Thats also sexual

also from the quamire song
Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy LETS HAVE SEX!

Peter: I have created a new society with liberty,justice and a cap in the ass for all!

Kiss fan:so you have something interesting to tell us peter?
Peter: Yep my wife DID Kiss!
Kiss fan:NO WAY! and how does that make you feel?
Peter: Well,i kinda feel like ive done Kiss too

Chris:there is an evil monkey in my closet
Lois and Peter:hahahaha
Chris: He wasnt always evil..........
scene cuts to a suit wearing monkey arriving home from work
(not evil yet)Monkey:Honey im home!
sees two monkeys in bed together
(Evil now)Monkey: U U AAAH AAAH AAAH!

skywalker

Lois: oh god when I think of all the food we wasted.

cuts to peter spreading baked beans over the tv screen, which magnum PI is on

(Tom Selleck on screen) Here you go Tom Selleck.
(changes to Higgins on screen) No, No, You've had yours Higgins, thats Tom Sellecks food. No. No. Bad Higgins.

Stompbox

Two British people are fighting and Quagmire gets caught in the brawl, falls out and says: Did..Did I just get laid?

The Bollox

Peter:(peter sees protesters and on the sign it reads "free Tibet") I'll take it! (runs to a payphone) hello, China, I have something you might want, but it's gonna cost ya, that's right, all the tea

funk-you

*Quagmire enters washroom cubicle to find the head cheerleader tied up*

"Dear diary.......Jackpot!"

JBoyle4eva

Peter: (SINGING) Meg, I'm going to make you rich and famousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
(AD BREAK)
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

Necronomicon

Some of the best quotes ever come from series 1's 'If I'm dying, I'm lying.'

The show Gumble 2 Gumble: "Taste that punk? That's the taste of beach justice!"
Or one of my favourite Family Guy moments later in the show when they are interogating the thief:
Brian Gumble: Purse snatching....society's fault, or one man's cry for help?
Thief: What are you talking about? I wanted her money!
Brian Gumble: Mmhmm....Mmhmm....Mmhmm....Mmhmm....Mmhmm....Mmhmm....
Mmhmm....Mmhmm....Mmhmm....Mmhmm....Mmhmm....

Or 'Black to the Future'.......DAAAAMMMNNN!

R0ot

Stewie: Oh Flappy, good news, ive decided not to kill you!

Peter: OK, why do women have breasts? So you've got something to look at while they're talking to ya.

Peter: Mr.Weed, check this out, fact-of-life dolls, pretty as a peach, fat as a cow..... radioactive spider

Houston Griffin

Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavours?
Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
Peter: (sarcastic) No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!

Mr Moon

Peter (after coming home drunk): Oh, Lois thank God it's you! The last few houses I went to were very rude.

Peter: (at the Drunken Clam)...yah and then Chris starts in with all this Yo! Yo! Yo! stuff and I don't know what the hell he's talking about. So i started beating him with a hose and then my arm got tired...so I came here.

Peter: Lois, less talkie more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for 'I love you.'

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Smurfs...
(on television screen)
Smurf #1: Hey, did you have a good time last night?
Smurf #2: Smurf-tacular!
Smurf #1: Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf #1: Shut the Smurf up!
Smurf #2: Yeah!
Smurf #1: Right in the Smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Smurf-Yeah!
Smurf #1: Oh! That is freaking Smurf!

Narcissus

*at an art class
peter: do i have to draw the penis?

*at a sculpting class
peter:do i have to sculpt the penis?

*at a classical music lesson
peter: do i have to conduct with my penis?

lol

*quagmire at a lesbian bar
hey any of you ladies ever been penetrated!?

Stompbox

Kid at Piano Competition: I cant believe I'm missing Ronnies party for this.

His mam: Now now, that Ronnie is a bad influence on you.

His Dad: Yeah that little bastard sold me some bad crack.

His Mam: Now you stay out of this. You're not even his real father.

Dinner

Tom Tucker: And now its over to Ollie Williams for the Blackie weather report

Ollie: ITS GONNA RAIN

JBoyle4eva

A storm is in quahog. the news is on TV.

Tom Tucker: We now go live to Asian report Trisha Takanowah: Trisha, what's it like?
Trisha: Well, tom(Galvanised roofing hits her)

The Truth!

In the first episode of Season 4

(Mel Gibson is pointing a gun a Peter and Lois)
Mel Gibson: And now Mr. Griffen, I want that film.
Peter: Oh sure, it's..eh..right over there in President Rushmore's mouth.
(Gibson walks straight off the other faces nose and falls to his death)
Lois: My God, he just walked right over the edge..
Peter: Of course he did. Christians don't believe in gravity.

Had me laughing for ages!

MrJoeSoap

Stewie: "Griffin, once again! Undefeated champion of the world!"

And not exactly a quote, but when Stewie and his "brother" exchange beeps of the horn while they are driving the sperm cars. Always makes me laugh.

I could go on all night. Those two just spring to mind.

Maccattack

There was one where Peter was saying how much he loved Katherin Hepburn movies he said something like "none of that head on a slinky stuff like On Golden Pond".

Nearly wet myself.

Stompbox

Peter: I challenge you to a race around the world.. go.

See Peter flying past window in a biplane.

Peter: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Mr Moon

A couple of star trek quotes from the episode "I Never Meet A Dead Man"

Kirk: Alright men, this is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr Spock, Doctor McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.

Ensign Ricky: Ahh crap


Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first


Peter: Meg, don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing.
TV: We now return to Star Trek
Peter: Holy Crap Uhura's black?

Mr Moon

Peter: [To Lois] C’mon Lois, I hate to see you so upset. Look we got animals, we got clowns, I mean, a party couldn’t be any better if Jesus himself showed up.
Jesus: Ok everybody, for my next miracle I’m going to turn water into funk!!

green_onions

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you take care of that...
Peter Griffin: What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: What about the...
Doctor: Testicles.

CrimE

Love this thread!

Diane: "Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents."

Peter: "Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually."

Peter: "I don't want your Mom to worry alright? When she worries she starts saying things like 'I told you so' or 'Stop doing that I'm asleep'."

JBoyle4eva

Chris: I can't stay home alone. What about the evil monkey that lives in my closet!
(Monkey points the evil finger at Chris from top of the stairs. Monkey runs back into room)
Chris: The sad thing is he wasn't always evil.

Monkey: Honey, great news(Walks into room) I made partner.....(His monkey wife is sleeping with another monkey. All three monkeys start schreeching at each other. The monkey then points the evil finger at both of them)

Stompbox

LOL love that one.

Beekay

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night