Unemotional boyfriend

Kingp35

Gross Halfwit wrote:

He shouldnt have to accept her faults. He should love her strengths and her weaknesses, her good points and her bad points.

This is basically saying that they should love each other for who they are!! That includes they way he is.

He may be of the mindframe that "she knows I love her" but if she is on her questioning it then maybe she doesnt know? Guesty may be looking more for Romance than for displays of affection. I think that if you are in a relationship where the two people profess to be in love then they should know it. He cant keep clammed up about his feelings. It will drive a wedge between them even if she says its fine. It sounds like a one sided love affair to me.

Absolutely ridiculous comments. He is who he is. Read the first two lines you wrote and stop contradicting yourself. Loving each otheres strengths and weaknesses, good and bad points swings both ways.

WhiteWashMan

Thaed wrote:

Some people will never say those 3 words.
Some people are just not that demonstrative.
But they show how they feel in other ways,
sometimes a look between the two of you or
maybe for him the fact you are together still after
two years should tell you that he cares and is
sharing is life with you and what more do you want ?

Sit and think about it, think about the littlest things
he says and does and how he shows consideration for you.
You maybe surprised.

that is all well and its all true, and as someone said, its not a case of he cant, he just doesnt.

the fact of the matter is that, some poeple are high maintenance emotionally.
thats not a bad thing.
but some people need physical shows of love all the time.

if it makes you unhappy to not get those, and you are in a realtionship where your partner does not show a lot of emotion towards you, then youa re going to be unhappy. its not a case of accepting anything.

like i said, if you are in a realtionship and you are unhappy, why stay in it?

it all depends really at the end of the day as to what you accept and what you dont. if you dont accept that youwill never be told 'i love you' and given a hug, then find someone else. if you can accept that, then accept it and get on with it.

it really really is that simple.

Gross Halfwit

BizzyC wrote:

@ Gross Halfwit
Yes dude, cause when you're in love, there's absolutely nothing about the other person that doesn't bother you in the tiniest way.:rolleyes:

You don't see the double standard in expecting him to love her for good and bad points, but not her?

As she said he does tell her he loves her, and as Seamus pointed out, guys that aren't used to relationships aren't used to showing that kind of affection.

I was in love once. She ripped the heart right out of my chest but when we were going out together she had so many little idiosyncrasies that on the surface were annoying but I loved her for them because she just wouldnt be her if she didnt do what she did.

If its love then they should just click. I dont know, maybe Im just a hopeless romantic but I believe that when you are in love everything is just right and perfect. He should love her for all that she is and want to make her happy and vice versa. All she wants is a little more affection. Is that too much to ask? I know what you are saying about the double standard and all but I...am having some trouble expressing myself. One sec. She isnt asking him to cahnge dramatically. I assume all shes looking for is few flowers every now and then and a kind word you know? She isnt asking him to get his teeth whitened or anything so I dont see it asd a change per se. I see it as a slight change in his behaviour and attitude towards her. Is that a major change? It shouldnt be for someone in love.

Kingp35

Gross Halfwit wrote:

IIf its love then they should just click. I dont know, maybe Im just a hopeless romantic but I believe that when you are in love everything is just right and perfect.

If that was the case this forum wouldnt have many threads in it. Your living in a Hollywood movie world there mate. No relationship is perfect simple as

He should love her for all that she is and want to make her happy and vice versa. All she wants is a little more affection. Is that too much to ask? I know what you are saying about the double standard and all but I...am having some trouble expressing myself. One sec. She isnt asking him to cahnge dramatically. I assume all shes looking for is few flowers every now and then and a kind word you know? She isnt asking him to get his teeth whitened or anything so I dont see it asd a change per se. I see it as a slight change in his behaviour and attitude towards her. Is that a major change? It shouldnt be for someone in love.

Again your not listening to people. If it was a simple change then he would just do it but it isnt its a complete change of his character. It is a major change for somebody who just doesnt do that. he has already told his gf that he is never going to be like that. There are plenty of guys out there the same. You are basing love on hugs and kisses and saying "I love you". there is so much more to it like being there for each other having fun together etc.

If she doesnt love the way this guy is now then its her who has the problem and not him

Oh and I think getting your teeth whitened is a slightly more simple task than changing your character and personality

seamus

Gross Halfwit wrote:

I dont know, maybe Im just a hopeless romantic but I believe that when you are in love everything is just right and perfect.

You are a hopeless romantic. There's being in love and then there's being in a relationship. Being in love, everything is perfect and hunky dory, everything's great. That's assuming the other person feels the same and isn't with someone else of course. Being in a relationship however takes much more than love. It takes trust, commitment, and compromise, in varying amounts. Love is just the thing that binds them together. If you don't have love, you can't a relationship, but on the flipside, you can have all the love in the world, but if you're missing one of the three above things, you can't have a relationship. Or at least you can't have a fulfilling/successful/happy one.

Linoge

Gross Halfwit wrote:

She isnt asking him to cahnge dramatically. I assume all shes looking for is few flowers every now and then and a kind word you know? She isnt asking him to get his teeth whitened or anything so I dont see it asd a change per se. I see it as a slight change in his behaviour and attitude towards her. Is that a major change? It shouldnt be for someone in love.

Thats the way I see it too.

Unemotional? What a load of crap. I was brought up not to express my emotions too, but you just have to get over yourself.

He doesn't need to change, he just has to make a bit of an effort, like leaving the toilet seat down. Now he might have been brought up to leave the toilet seat up but someday....

Point is, you can love someone but that doesn't mean that they will not annoy you or piss you off. Loving someones weaknesses? Also a load of crap. Where you might like that your gf needs you to open a jar for them, or your bf need you to tie his tie, its not the same as true weaknesses like jealousy or bitterness etc. Hands up who likes these??

If you're bf really does love you like he says it should be no problem to him to be a bit more romantic, because it will make you happy. And thats what love is all about, making each other happy.

Edit:
Although I agree that you're leaving it a very late to say this now I don't agree with people saying "its been 2 years, like it or lump it at this stage."

People can and do change. Has anyone ever seen American History X, The Last Sumarai, Shallow Hal!??

"When I became a man, I put away childish things" springs to mind. Your bf needs to grow up.

Kingp35

Linoge wrote:

If you're bf really does love you like he says it should be no problem to him to be a bit more romantic, because it will make you happy. And thats what love is all about, making each other happy.

did you stop to consider that doing something he really doesnt like to do will make him unhappy?

WhiteWashMan

Kingp35 wrote:

did you stop to consider that doing something he really doesnt like to do will make him unhappy?

so shes unhappy whie he doesnt do it, and hes unhappy while he does do it?

well, what do you make of that?

Kingp35

WhiteWashMan wrote:

so shes unhappy whie he doesnt do it, and hes unhappy while he does do it?

well, what do you make of that?

Thats its a doomed relationship unless they can accept each other

WhiteWashMan

i'll refer the readers to my earlier posts and just be smug.

and go for lunch.

BizzyC

Exactly, this issue here isn't about love, or behaviour, it's about acceptance.

If she loves him, and wants to stay with him she has to accept him for who he is, not what he could become if he put effort into it, that's not really loving him, is it?

Kingp35

BizzyC wrote:

Exactly, this issue here isn't about love, or behaviour, it's about acceptance.

If she loves him, and wants to stay with him she has to accept him for who he is, not what he could become if he put effort into it, that's not really loving him, is it?

nail on the head

Gross Halfwit

All she is looking for is little more love and affection shown to her. It isnt a change in his personality. Its a change in his behaviour. He may not like it but when you enter a relationship then you have to change your mindset. You cant keep carrying on like you did when you were singlwe because you have somebody elses heart to consider. Im sure he has love for her in there and all she wants is to turn up the volume.

Yeah she should respect him and his quirks. Im sure he was that way when she met him but people in a relationship should be affectionate towards eachother. Otherwise whats the point?

I realise that earlier on I was spouting romantic gibberish. I just have this exhalted view of love. So when pople say they are in love I picture moonlight and Roses not bottled up emotions and desperate threads. My apologies to the more rational members of this board.

Kingp35

Gross Halfwit wrote:

Yeah she should respect him and his quirks. Im sure he was that way when she met him but people in a relationship should be affectionate towards eachother. Otherwise whats the point?

there are many ways to be affectionate and loving towards someone. It does not have to be by saying "I love you" all the time or by showering each other in hugs and kisses. You seem to be under the impression that it is. You should read some of the previous posts by people. I think you have a misconception of what love is and how people in love should act. This is your view on something but the reality is there is no definitive way people in love should act towards each other. Every couple and every person is different and they will show there love for somebody in different ways. What your saying is again a hollywood view of what being in love should be about.
Again ill say there are so many different ways to show your love for someone without showering them in hugs and kisses.

I think most people here are of the same opinion that its a matter of accepting each other for who they are now and if they cant well then its a doomed relationship.

If the girl cant accept the way the guy is she wont be happy. If because of this the guy has to change his ways and do something he does not like or feel comfortable about well then he will be unhappy. An unhappy relationship wont work so it will end.

The only way for this relationship to continue is acceptance. Thats it really

Gross Halfwit

Right. Im not saying that you have to be all over eachother just affectionate.

Peole have different wasy of expressing themselves but it sounds to me like he isnt expressing himself at all.

There is a difference between accepting someones faults ie; smoker, smelly feet etc. and putting up with a person being cold. Does anyone see where Im coming from?

WhiteWashMan

yes, i think we all do.

now there is no need to continue telling us.

Kingp35

Gross Halfwit wrote:

Right. Im not saying that you have to be all over eachother just affectionate.

This guy is being affectionate in his own way. Guesty has already said that he does give her hugs and tell her he loves every now and again. This is his way.

Peole have different wasy of expressing themselves but it sounds to me like he isnt expressing himself at all.

See above and also he is still with this girl after two years so he has showed his commitment towards her. This in itself is affection.

There is a difference between accepting someones faults ie; smoker, smelly feet etc. and putting up with a person being cold. Does anyone see where Im coming from?

Why is he now cold? He is showing affection in his own way. Thats what people are trying to tell you. Everybody is not like you and some dont do what happens in the movies. They show affection there way and express themselves there way. Your not looking at it the right way your only thinking about the obvious ways of showing affection for someone are your not thinking of the other things a relationship consists of.

As seamus said Love can be perfect but this isnt about that its a about a relationship and the other things involved with it. this guy has given her everything in the relationship accept a few hugs and kisses. That is his way of showing his affection and love for this girl and there is nothing wrong with it at all.

She has to accept or it wont work. Its the way he is.

Can you not accept that? Everyone else pretty much agrees with me so what does that tell you?

bragan

Kingp35 wrote:

She has to accept or it wont work. Its the way he is.

Can you not accept that? Everyone else pretty much agrees with me so what does that tell you?

First she should say it to him, because maybe he just doesn't realise. But after she mentions it, and nothing changes, i think your going to have to accept thats the way he is.
I'm a girl and i don't really like the whole touchy feely thing. When a guy is like that around me, i feel claustrophobic, and to be honest, if a guy asked me to change that, i wouldn't be able to. some people are just like that. They can't change it.

Guesty

Thanks again for all the advice. I'm not going to go breaking up with him over this, it's not that big an issue, it's just one of those things that I wanted to know if anyone else was in the same situation.

I know our relationship isn't prefect and I truly don't believe that anybody can have a "perfect" relationship (correct me if I'm wrong!). I think that relationships always need to be worked at and certain things accepted about each other.

I know some people have said that he should change, but it might be easier for some people to change and very difficult for other people to change, get me? I have some weakness that I know I could never change even though I really would like to.

BizzyC

Guesty, I think you have the exactly right attitude about this.

You seem to have a good head on your sholders, and you seem to be in a relationship that you obviously believe is worthwhile.

Best of Luck.

Linoge

BizzyC wrote:

Exactly, this issue here isn't about love, or behaviour, it's about acceptance.

If she loves him, and wants to stay with him she has to accept him for who he is,

Does that not make it about love then?

WhiteWashMan wrote:

yes, i think we all do.

now there is no need to continue telling us.

Yeh Gross, just say "I refer to my earlier posts in the hope that you people will try to read what I am saying instead of just getting the jist and posting the same crap in disagreement back"

Kingp35 wrote:

Everybody is not like you and some dont do what happens in the movies. They show affection there way and express themselves there way. Your not looking at it the right way your only thinking about the obvious ways of showing affection for someone are your not thinking of the other things a relationship consists of.

Romance isn't just in the movies, the movies get it from somewhere you know...
Yes, there are obvious ways of showing affection, that would be exactly my point. This guy isn't showing her much obvious affection, thats the problem. You can get all the affection in the world, but if you don't know about it whats the point??!

Kingp35 wrote:

She has to accept or it wont work. Its the way he is.

Can you not accept that? Everyone else pretty much agrees with me so what does that tell you?

Come on, the way he is? He's lazy if you ask me. It doesn't take much to send a text message, buy a bunch of flowers, or give a hug when shes not expecting it. I hardly think that a part of him dies everytime he does this. Are you saying that he is so emotionally retarded that if he did this he would be thrown in depression??? Maybe we might see him posting in PI soon!

And finally, I'm not sure everyone is agreeing with you exactly. People are making similar but different points.

Edit:
And Guesty, don't just settle. If he won't change and you will never be happy... you know what to do.

BizzyC

Guesty has stated herself that it's not a question of him not loving her, it's of her accepting the fact that he's not an affectionate kind of guy.

It may be easy for you, but you do not represent everybody, remember that.
If you can't accept the fact that some peoples' minds work differently, then you're just being closed-minded.

Linoge

BizzyC wrote:

Guesty has stated herself that it's not a question of him not loving her, it's of her accepting the fact that he's not an affectionate kind of guy.

I never said that he never loved her or anything like it. I said he is lazy, that he can change and he should change out of love for her.

BizzyC wrote:

It may be easy for you, but you do not represent everybody, remember that.
If you can't accept the fact that some peoples' minds work differently, then you're just being closed-minded.

Why do people always write stuff like this. Do I have to start every sentence with IMO??

Peoples minds work differently but we are all governed by the nature. We cannot do much about our physical appearance or personality, you can however change your behavior and attitudes if you wish. Love should be reason enough.

BizzyC

Linoge wrote:

you can however change your behavior and attitudes if you wish. Love should be reason enough.

Once again, this may be true for you, but do not assume it is for everyone else.
Some people find it impossible to change, that's a fact.

And actually, yes, if you're going to make a generalisation when giving someone advice, you should say IMO.