Unemotional boyfriend

Guesty

Hey,
I love my boyfriend to bits, but he just never shows any love towards me. I've confronted him about this & he reckons that it's just the way he is & that he was brought up like that. Like even stupid things like giving me a hug or a kiss, it's like every time I have to ask him for one & it really upsets me cause I think that he dosen't love me, even though he swears he does.

Just wondering if anyone else has this problem??

seamus

How long are you going out? I was a bit like that at the start of my current one (5 years ago) mostly because I'd never properly gone out with anyone before, and I'm not a very emotional guy as it is.

It's very possbile though that's he's just not the kissy-touchy type. Quick question - what age are you both? In general younger men tend to hold up the whole macho thing constantly, even when their mates aren't around, but as they get older, then tend to care less about the whole sissy thing.

Guesty

Going out 2 years, he's 24, I'm 22. It's not even when his mates are around, it's when we are on our own.
I think why is has started to bother me lately is cause I see all my friends with their boyfriends & they are all lovey-dovey all the time. I don't even want to have public displays of affection, just when we are on our own it would be nice to be shown some sort of affection. Anyone in same boat?

ADUB?

Your BF has a problem expressing his emotions, and yes it could be the way he was brought up.
I see your point, It is nice to be told and shown, I love you etc
I have had the same problem as your BF, sometimes takes bit of time for some people to be 100% comfy 100% able to let their guard down 100% able to trust or fact he is just scared you'll laugh etc (know you wouldnt but he might feel this deep down)

I suggest you talk (not confront or give out) to him and tell him what you'd like and where someday that you'd both be comfy to hug in public or whatever etc

I suggest for start if he has problem showing or verbalising his emotions to perhaps get him to write down how he feels about you (give him time to do so, ie not waiting in other room) Ask him to write it for maybe end of week or something.

Then after few days ask him could he give you hug when you come in door. habitual I know but,
Can help him take the little steps and after he sees that he can (and nothing scary or weird about it), I'm sure he will come out of that shell and be able to express himself, and his emotions and you'll have that relationship and closeness and expression you desire!

The_B_Man

ye im that sort of fella too. last gf i did feel that way but never told her. just never felt the need to tell her.
Just coz ur bf doesnt show it, doesnt mean hes not thinkin it!

Kingp35

Guesty wrote:

Hey,
I love my boyfriend to bits, but he just never shows any love towards me. I've confronted him about this & he reckons that it's just the way he is & that he was brought up like that. Like even stupid things like giving me a hug or a kiss, it's like every time I have to ask him for one & it really upsets me cause I think that he dosen't love me, even though he swears he does.

Just wondering if anyone else has this problem??

Some guys are just like that. ts not fair on him if you try and change who he is. If he isnt that type of guy then leave him be the way he wants to be. In fairness you should love him for who he is and not who you want him to be thats just selfish.

Just because he doesnt show it definitely doesnt mean that he doesnt love you. You gotta like him for who he is or dont go out with him. Its that simple really

jcoote

well he wants to be one way and u wanna be another so u should try meet in the middle..a compromise if u will

CrimE

Alot of men (myself being one to an extent) find it alot more difficult to show emotions or the kind of display women sometimes want. Unfortunately this usually stems from something in either of the couple.

Either he cant display understandable amounts of emotions or you are asking to much of a man who cant give what you want him to. Talk with him if it is really hurting you as it can only get worse. As was already said try to reach a compromise. Both have to give a little to get a little.

BeardyGit

ADUB? wrote:

Your BF has a problem expressing his emotions, and yes it could be the way he was brought up.
I see your point, It is nice to be told and shown, I love you etc
I have had the same problem as your BF, sometimes takes bit of time for some people to be 100% comfy 100% able to let their guard down 100% able to trust or fact he is just scared you'll laugh etc (know you wouldnt but he might feel this deep down)

If they're going out for 2 years and they're not already at the 100% trust point then something's wrong.

I don't know what your possible reasons are for only addressing this matter now and it would be unfair of me to speculate. I would point out that it's a little late in the day to go changing the rules of engagement - In real terms, your boyfriend is unlikely to change the way he acts - No matter how you put it to him. If he's never been touchy-feely with you then that's just the way he is and you'll either have to look for other indicators that he loves you.

Accept the man for who he is, not who you want him to be. If you don't think you can then you're the one who needs to make a change.

Just my €0.02

Gil

Bamboozled

Did you ever consider that he may not know how? Some guys dont and need to be told about expressing emotion.

If its such a problem, buy him the men are from mars book, and let him see it in print (rather than coming from you - as you could be considered nagging if you repeat repeat repeat), that women like certain things said and certain affections shown.

If he's a surfer, send him to lovingyou.com.

Ladypawpaw

Guesty wrote:

Like even stupid things like giving me a hug or a kiss, it's like every time I have to ask him for one & it really upsets me cause I think that he dosen't love me, even though he swears he does.

Stop asking him for a kiss/hug. Forced affection isn't good. Leave it up to him to start the kissing/hugging and see what happens. He may be affectionate when he feels less pressured about it.

Do you constantly ask him if he loves you? Blokes hate that sort of thing.

jcoote

yeah we kinda do hate it...i tell my girlfriend i love her loads..but if she asked me i'd tell her no cos i wanna do it of my own accord with no pressure

derek27

i just scanned down through all of those posts for one or to key sentences. think i got the gist of it... bout men not expressing their emotions towards girlfriends. i personally think that men can express their emotions a lot better than girls can, but most men feel they shouldn't do so for one reason or another. i think it's despicable that this issue is only applied to men. many women dont express emotion towards their boyfriends either. if you boil it down, a girl is more likely to try to make an idiot of a guy (cause they are somehow fooled into the idea that a guy is only gonna try make a fool of them) than vice versa. men will make fools of women and women will do it to men too, it's all about what are you willing to put yourself up for. if your looking for the perfect relationship only, then you wont ever let youself be made a fool of. if you want to screen a vast amount of potential partners, then expect a lot of potholes on your way. all people are different, but society can make people act in uncannily similar ways. guys express their emotions. so do girls. but the key issue i think is, if you haven't met the right partner, expect to let them down, or to have them let you down. and men are well able to express their emotions, as are women. i know about an equal no of males as i do females, and among them all, its mostly the men who say that they feel like they are in love and have met the girl fo them. women just tend to think, how is he gonna try and hurt me. (not eveybody, just speaking about majoities)

jcoote

the worst thing that ever happened was oppressing women because certain ladies nowadays (and i'm not having a dig at women here,i'm the total opposite of a sexiest) have a bit of a chip on their shoulder about us men... then some men think women should still be oppressed and so on...there's a conflict there within both sexes and it severly complicates relationships...but i think women are more likely to want love than men because they have more complex emotional traits and do like being loved as a whole more than the average man...i think men mess women aroud more because of this

Beruthiel

Most men are not brought up to show their emotions as such.
If a man is with you and is happy to be so, then he takes it as a given that you know he cares for you. You should not be worried about it, but lead by example.

Gross Halfwit

Guesty, its quite possible that your bf has trouble showing emotions. This could be due to his upbringing or the fact that he is just plain uncomfortable with showing them.

He is older than you and more than likely taller too. These are dominant positions to be in so I doubt he would be afraid of you laughing at him especially seeing as you express your affection to him

It is a possibility that he wants out of the relationship but is finding it hard to tell you and doesnt want to commit himself to emotionally to make it easier on the both of you. But then again if he has been this way since you first started going out I wouldnt worry.

Does he get upset/emotional/excited about anything else in his life? If he isnt showing emotion about anything then he may be clinically depressed or have slight mental problems. Im probably over analyzing the situation.

Best thing to do is confront him non aggressively and ask him why he is so cold and unemotional. Best way to get answers but dont put pressure on him.

Guesty

Thanks for all the advice! I've talked to him about it and he said that he dosen't think he can change the way he is & I think i'll just have to accept it. I know that I have faults that he has accepted about me, I suppose that is what relationships are all about.

Gross Halfwit

Guesty wrote:

Thanks for all the advice! I've talked to him about it and he said that he dosen't think he can change the way he is & I think i'll just have to accept it. I know that I have faults that he has accepted about me, I suppose that is what relationships are all about.

True relationships are about compromise and acceptance but is he even gonna kiss you goodbye or hug hello? If he loves you then he should want to show it you know? But if youre happy then your happy.

BizzyC

Gross Halfwit wrote:

True relationships are about compromise and acceptance but is he even gonna kiss you goodbye or hug hello?

There is compromise, as she said, he accepted her faults.

Gross Halfwit wrote:

If he loves you then he should want to show it you know?

Not neccessarily. Some guys will be in the mindframe that "she knows I love her, no need to say it all the time".


This doesn't seem to me to be a major problem, Guesty seems happy to accept his faults, which imo is the right thing to do.

Guesty

It's not like he dosen't tell me he loves me or that he dosen't give me a kiss goodbye, I think I just want some affection when it's not planned - know what I mean?

BizzyC

Yeah, but some guys just aren't like that.

As KingP35 said, trying to change the person he is is just selfish, and an indicator that you don't love him for who he is.
You can talk to him about it, but you cant force the issue.
It's really a case of; like it, or lump it.

ADUB?

Gil_Dub wrote:

If they're going out for 2 years and they're not already at the 100% trust point then something's wrong.
Gil

Perhaps trust and my wording wasnt correct!
Its more letting the defenses down 100%, some people never let it down fully ever and express emotions fully
To be honest if a guy expresses to much then there is a perception he is weak (by some elements in society)

Point I was trying to make is that the BF isnt comfy expressing his emotions
Getting him to write a letter or text his gf, isnt as in your face as saying it to her, small steps lead to bigger ones
Then making habitual displays of love -- hug when home etc could help show that he isnt going to be laughed at for such displays and might help him express it more often and in less planned sense when he is alone with his gf.

I doubt that he will ever be as affectionate as some ever, but thats him and must be accepted

Also remember over affection and hanging out of each other can be really annoying for example 'get a room' scenarios

Talliesin

Bamboozled wrote:

If its such a problem, buy him the men are from mars book,

If a man has so many problems relating to women that he could improve matters by reading "Dr." Gray's stuff, just dump him.

WhiteWashMan

Guesty wrote:

Hey,
I love my boyfriend to bits, but he just never shows any love towards me. I've confronted him about this & he reckons that it's just the way he is & that he was brought up like that. Like even stupid things like giving me a hug or a kiss, it's like every time I have to ask him for one & it really upsets me cause I think that he dosen't love me, even though he swears he does.

Just wondering if anyone else has this problem??

some people are emotioanlly low maintenance, and others are high.
your boyfriend sounds like he is one of the low ones.

he is not going to change.

if this is not the type of person that you can be with then perhaps you might think about finding someone that will give you the emotional connection that you need?

why are you still with someone for 2 years that doesnt make you happy?

kegan5

The_B_Man wrote:

ye im that sort of fella too. last gf i did feel that way but never told her. just never felt the need to tell her.
Just coz ur bf doesnt show it, doesnt mean hes not thinkin it!

Yeah...and look what happened!
Oh well I shan't be doing it again, whats the point of a relationship if he can's even say the 3 words hmmmmm

WhiteWashMan

kegan5 wrote:

Yeah...and look what happened!
Oh well I shan't be doing it again, whats the point of a relationship if he can's even say the 3 words hmmmmm

there is no point.

there is no point in being ina relationship if you are not happy.
that includes not being happy with they way they look, their physical appearance, their financial situation, their personality, the amount of emotional response they give, etc etc etc etc

i mean, why would you go out with someone that doesnt satisfy your needs?

BizzyC

The problem isn't that he can't, she'd just like him to show it more often.

Gross Halfwit

BizzyC wrote:

There is compromise, as she said, he accepted her faults.


Not neccessarily. Some guys will be in the mindframe that "she knows I love her, no need to say it all the time".


This doesn't seem to me to be a major problem, Guesty seems happy to accept his faults, which imo is the right thing to do.

He shouldnt have to accept her faults. He should love her strengths and her weaknesses, her good points and her bad points.

He may be of the mindframe that "she knows I love her" but if she is on her questioning it then maybe she doesnt know? Guesty may be looking more for Romance than for displays of affection. I think that if you are in a relationship where the two people profess to be in love then they should know it. He cant keep clammed up about his feelings. It will drive a wedge between them even if she says its fine. It sounds like a one sided love affair to me.

By the way Guesty, if you dont mind, are your so-called faults on par with his lack of emotion?

Kingp35

ADUB? wrote:

Point I was trying to make is that the BF isnt comfy expressing his emotions
Getting him to write a letter or text his gf, isnt as in your face as saying it to her, small steps lead to bigger ones
Then making habitual displays of love -- hug when home etc could help show that he isnt going to be laughed at for such displays and might help him express it more often and in less planned sense when he is alone with his gf.

I doubt that he will ever be as affectionate as some ever, but thats him and must be accepted

your talking like there is something wrong with this guy. There is nothing at all wrong with him its the person he is and telling to write letters and stuff wont do any good. In fact it will make him feel really uncomfortable doing something he doesnt want to do.

they have been going out for 2 years now so obviously guesty knows what her bf is like at this stage and to try and change someone after 2 years just because you realise that they are not who you want to be with is just selfish. he is who he is and if he isnt who you wanna be with then I think you know what you should do.

BizzyC

@ Gross Halfwit
Yes dude, cause when you're in love, there's absolutely nothing about the other person that doesn't bother you in the tiniest way.:rolleyes:

You don't see the double standard in expecting him to love her for good and bad points, but not her?

As she said he does tell her he loves her, and as Seamus pointed out, guys that aren't used to relationships aren't used to showing that kind of affection.

Nevyn

Some people will never say those 3 words.
Some people are just not that demonstrative.
But they show how they feel in other ways,
sometimes a look between the two of you or
maybe for him the fact you are together still after
two years should tell you that he cares and is
sharing is life with you and what more do you want ?

Sit and think about it, think about the littlest things
he says and does and how he shows consideration for you.
You maybe surprised.