I really need some help... very embarassing...

_blank_

Can I ask what does "bi XD" mean?

I know what the "bi" part means, I think - bisexual?

But the XD has be flumoxed.

Tiffany

Bisexual cross-dresser.

R0ot

Right can i just state something, everyone's brain is the same, it may have defects but everyones brain is essentially the same, the reason some people are smarter or better at something is because they use it differently. You may have a chemical imbalance but not a female brain cause there is no such thing.

o Fiac

This post has been deleted.

o Fiac

This post has been deleted.

PhantomBeaker

seansouth wrote:

Can I ask what does "bi XD" mean?

I know what the "bi" part means, I think - bisexual?

But the XD has be flumoxed.

Jeez, here was me thinking that XD was a smilie... a friend of mine uses it just for eyes scrunched shut and an incredibly big and cheesy grin. Something a bit like but with eyes like in a big X. If you watch southpark closely you see the same thing. So when I saw "Bi XD" I was thinking "Bi and loving it *big cheesy grin*"

But that's an aside. As for how you're perceived - I an understand how it can be important to feel you belong to something. Passing as female, passing as a goth. Passing as whatever. Being in any sort of group that can sometimes feel like you have some sort of surrogate family that understands aspects of you better - from what I understand, it's one of the things that Army training plays on... your family is your other soldiers and your gun. I could be very wrong on that bit though.

(By the way, when I'm using the word 'you' from here, it's mainly meant in the general sense, not to anyone in particular.)

The thing is, anyone who says "Why do you feel the need to belong" has probably been at the stage where they jump from billy to jack trying to feel out a niche for themselves where they can find some sense of belonging. Thing is, you generally find it, but at a price: when you join part of a group trying to belong, there's quite a change that you will try to fit to all their ideals, even if it's not something that you agree with. So, even if it's not something that fits you, you throw yourself into it. This is generally called overcompensation - i.e. you might be given the idea of "You're not X because you're not saying/doing/thinking Y. You don't belong unless you're saying/doing/thinking Y, and you won't get our validation" so, you rush into Y, even if you don't believe in it. At some point, the crash will come, where you realise that all the nonsense you put yourself through to feel like you belong is totally at odds with who you are.

The people who have been through this process a number of times realised that their sense of belonging has to come from something other than validation from others. (wow, pop-psych at it's best, but I find it's true... at least for me) So the people who realised where it really comes from say "Why should it matter what groups you are in or what labels you apply to yourself?" seemingly forgetting that you have to make that jump from feeling like you have to belong somewhere.

Personally, I use certain labels to describe myself, but I don't particularly stick to them if I don't have to. I mean, I'm bi... but quite frankly I don't think of it as being attracted to both genders, I think of it as just liking people (some people apply the phrase omnisexual to that idea, I just don't like the phrase, so I won't use it... bisexual works just as well for me), regardless of the whole male/female/other aspect... yes it does play a role.

But anyway, I digress. I could explain that aspect of my life ad nauseum, or I could just say "i'm bi" if you want the short answer. Labels are a handy common language - it may not totally apply, but once you accept that, and once you just treat it as a social shorthand as opposed to a contract you have to apply to yourself (i.e. if I call myself a "goth", it's probably as a shorthand... it doesn't mean I have to give a crap about who was in Bauhaus at what time. If I was trying to live up to the ideal of goth, I'd probably go off and learn it by rote, but life's too short to stuff mushrooms, so I just use "I'm a goth" as a short answer to why I wear too much black... even though I don't identify as one) life gets a lot saner. I can apply so many labels to my life, if I say "i'm a programmer" I don't say it to try and find some sense of belonging in the programming community, I'll say it because it's something I do.

So, where do I feel I belong? Trans community? Nope. I have trans friends, and will help out trans people if I can, but it doesn't mean I have to feel I belong there. Computing community? Nope. I have CS friends but it doesn't mean I have to feel some kinship with everyone who sits in front of a computer. Bi community? Strangely, I had a very interesting discussion about that tonight... and no. I have bi friends... you get the idea. My sense of belonging is from my circle of friends, whoever they may be, and from myself. My sense of who I am comes from myself.

As for being perceived as female - screw that. Well not totally, but I'm beginning to realise that what's better is if people just are able to treat you as you. Not as a tranny, not as a goth, not as anything other than just you. My best friends don't think of me as any of the above, but I'm just Aoife to them, just as they are (Insert Name here) to me... if they hear something that makes them think of me, yes, they might think of me in a certain way that brought me to mind. Just as I'd think of them in that same way. But to be part of that group I have to be nobody but myself... that includes the incidental fact that I'm a nerd, that includes the incidental fact that my mind spews random stuff (today, for example, I could be quoted as saying "Wow, a gazebo!") which is quite likely to be twisted (people seem to catch onto this fact very quickly... even people who I thought didn't know me that well! :rolleyes: ), that includes the fact that I'm a latent hack (I've got a theory that once you're infected with politi-coli - the pathogen responsible for the infections desire for power (See, I told you I was a nerd!) - that you never fully recover from it, it just goes dormant... like chicken pox), that includes the fact that I'm as queer as a six euro note. They're just my friends: I'm friends with them because they're lovely people, and it feels like they're friends with me for much the same reasons. And that's why I feel I belong. That circle of friends may change drastically, I may change drastically, but life is change, and regardless of what state that circle of friends is in, I have that sense of belonging, because they're the group I belong to just now.

However, I don't think that that lesson is an intellectual one - it just has to be experienced.

Take care,
Aoife