Relationship Issues

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
My gf and I have being going out nearly four years now, and things are not going too good at the moment. This has been going on for a few months now, we have tried to address the issue but to be honest I'm stumped. Basically, she is very scared with the length of our relationship. She thinks we are very young to be in such a long relationship, I'm 21, she's 22. Both of us age another year in august and sept respectively.

She is really worried about it, it seems to be on her mind quite alot, that the relationship is so serious and what if we break up, et al. I am also the first person she has ever slept with, and obviously this is on her mind too. She has said to me a few times she wishes that she was 18 again, that she could kiss other boys, and not be so stressed out all the time.

Both of us are just finishing college too, so there is alot of stress about where we will live, will we live together, etc. I must point out that our relationship started a bit weirdly, it started when we both went to college, we happend to be in the same house in 1st year, and have been living and going out with each other ever since.

The fact that she said she wishes she was 18 again and kiss other boys does not worry me too much, that's a natural reaction to being stressed out about being in a long term relationship, and finishing college, and being stressed out about getting a job and settling down.

She also said that she doesn't want to go off kissing boys *now*, she just wishes that she was 18 again.

I'm really not sure what to do here, I have noticed that we are drifting apart in the past few months. Should I tell her to take a break and try to figure it out for herself, or should I try to help her? I do not want to smother her if space would be the best thing for us.

Nevyn

If you love something let it go,
If it comes back to you it is yours.

The old sayings are still around because of the truth to them.

Jivin Turkey

How do you feel about it/her?

Guest007

I love her to bits, I can't see myself with anyone else tbh.

The Clown Man

Let her go.

Take a break.

Whatever but I got the same thing after 5 years in a relationship and my mind would not change however much I tried.

It's going to be crap but it is definately going to happen. So may as well get used to the idea now. It'll make it easier for when it does happen. Her mind will never change for long.

Oh, and she's probably right too. A while of being single will probably do you both good. You are too young to be so serious.

LundiMardi

Guest007 wrote:

Hi everyone,
My gf and I have being going out nearly four years now, and things are not going too good at the moment. This has been going on for a few months now, we have tried to address the issue but to be honest I'm stumped. Basically, she is very scared with the length of our relationship. She thinks we are very young to be in such a long relationship, I'm 21, she's 22. Both of us age another year in august and sept respectively.

She is really worried about it, it seems to be on her mind quite alot, that the relationship is so serious and what if we break up, et al. I am also the first person she has ever slept with, and obviously this is on her mind too. She has said to me a few times she wishes that she was 18 again, that she could kiss other boys, and not be so stressed out all the time.

Both of us are just finishing college too, so there is alot of stress about where we will live, will we live together, etc. I must point out that our relationship started a bit weirdly, it started when we both went to college, we happend to be in the same house in 1st year, and have been living and going out with each other ever since.

The fact that she said she wishes she was 18 again and kiss other boys does not worry me too much, that's a natural reaction to being stressed out about being in a long term relationship, and finishing college, and being stressed out about getting a job and settling down.

She also said that she doesn't want to go off kissing boys *now*, she just wishes that she was 18 again.

I'm really not sure what to do here, I have noticed that we are drifting apart in the past few months. Should I tell her to take a break and try to figure it out for herself, or should I try to help her? I do not want to smother her if space would be the best thing for us.

I kinda know how you feel, me and my gf are 21 & 20 respectively and have been with each other for 3 years (and 6 days;)).

We've only been with each other and obviously, as we are only human, thoughts of being with other people are there. It's only natural. We only spoke about it the other day and both agreed that if we were to take a break, it probably wouldn't be the same after that if we got back together. No one can stand the thought of someone they love being with someone else.

All i can say is a time out is what's needed, she does want to be alone for a while and just go wild.

The one thing you HAVE to do is to NOT wait for her. If you go your seperate ways for a while be sure to have fun yourself.

One question you have to ask yourself though is if you got back with each other, would you be bothered if she was with other men?

IANOC

yup sounds like you need a break all right mate

only worrying thing is that she is 21 and wishes she was 18 again lol

wait till shes 40

harney

I was smiling reading this (but not in a bad way, I promise).

I was in a quite similar position to you (actually your girlfriend, I think) several years ago. I was going out with a girl for 5 years, same age as ye but in college in different parts of the country so we were not living in each others pockets.

We were not virgins when we met (so there was not that added pressure), but I decided that I didnt want to tie myself down at that age so we broke up. It was quite amicable, and I have never looked back. It is quite a scary prospect leaving the comfort of a serious relationship after so many years, but that is not necessarily such a bad thing.

I think I would be very bitter now, and so would my ex, if we had remained together all this time. Now we are both in different relationships and I wish her the best. I have not seen her in more that 2 years (we broke up more that 5 years ago) but do receive the ocasional email.

This may not happen to you (remaining apart) but I think you will feel the bitterness eventually if you do not at least consider a seperation. The problem with a seperation is dealing with the potential sleeping around that may occur.

Best of luck with what ever decision you both arrive at.

Guest007

Thanks alot for all of the advice there guys.

I was talking with her for about half an hour today, she admitted that if we had what we had a few months ago, now, she would not be feeling like this. From that sentence I think a break may be a bad idea....

I'm still not sure exactly what do to, her head is a mess with everything, not just us. I don't think a break would be a good idea because we only see each other at weekends now anyway (work related).

I think it's time to try to give it another go, I need to spice things up a bit.
I'm talking to her again at 9, so I'll let you guys know more then

Guest007

I talked to her for an hour last night. What I got from her is this:

1. She feels our relationship has hit a point where we need to look at it and decide whether we stay together or break up.

2. She doesn't want to feel tied down.

3. If our relationship was like it was before, she would be happy.

4. She doesn't want to end it and be regretting it down the line, but she doesn't want to stay together and be regretting it down the line either.

I told her to think about it for a while and that I would talk to her tomorrow. I then went to the pub with my best friend to talk to him about it, he advised me to call her and tell her I would talk to her on Monday. To take the weekend and just relax and enjoy herself. And we can take it up from there on Monday, so that's exactly what I did.

On the inside, I'm preparing myself for the end. I don't think there's anything I can do.

LundiMardi

sorry about that man, she may well decide that it's you she wants though so keep your hopes up.

The good thing is if it does end, it ends in a good and adult way, you should be really happy about that. And who knows in a couple of months she may have had her fun but realise it's you who she sees herself with.

Best of luck, let us know what the outcome is.

Guest007

LundiMardi wrote:

sorry about that man, she may well decide that it's you she wants though so keep your hopes up.

The good thing is if it does end, it ends in a good and adult way, you should be really happy about that. And who knows in a couple of months she may have had her fun but realise it's you who she sees herself with.

Best of luck, let us know what the outcome is.

Thanks for the support. It means alot

Also, she said she does't see us together in like February, but she sees us with kids and a house etc in a few years.

That screams take a break right there.

Nevyn

Better to be brave and have that break now then cling on and then try the same where you do have kids and other complications.

tinkerbell

Guest007 wrote:

Also, she said she does't see us together in like February, but she sees us with kids and a house etc in a few years.

That screams take a break right there.

That does indeed scream major break, maybe even break up completely Sorry dude, hopefully it might work out for you though.

Kingp35

I think you took the right decision to give her the weekend to think about this. You should have absolutley no contact with her for this weekend not even a text so that she can experience what it is like to have her life without you in it. Thats exactly what me and my girlfriend did a good while back and im pretty much in the same both you are im 20 she is 21 and its our third year anniversary tomorrow. After the small break we decided that we couldnt be apart and we have never looked back since.

Point is all relationships like yours will go through this stage of where you have to decide whether you want to stay together or live the single life that you have never really experienced properly. If you really do love each other well then you will stay together if not at least it wasnt a bitter breakup and you can go your seperate ways on good terms.

So give her the weekend to think about it and to make a decision on Monday. Its better to make the decision now that you are staying together and that is the issue resolved or to go your sepperate ways. To be honest mate if she really does like you as much as it seems she wont break up with you. She will miss you way too much and she will realise this over the weekend.

Im serious all long term relationships that start off at such a young age go through this stage its a natural process. I have two friends who went through it just like I did and you are now. Generally it works out that you stay together so try look at it like that. Just make absolutley sure you have no contact with each other for the weekend otherwise she wont experience what its really like without you.

Anyway good luck with it let us know how it goes for you

Guest007

Kingp35 wrote:

I think you took the right decision to give her the weekend to think about this. You should have absolutley no contact with her for this weekend not even a text so that she can experience what it is like to have her life without you in it. Thats exactly what me and my girlfriend did a good while back and im pretty much in the same both you are im 20 she is 21 and its our third year anniversary tomorrow. After the small break we decided that we couldnt be apart and we have never looked back since.

Point is all relationships like yours will go through this stage of where you have to decide whether you want to stay together or live the single life that you have never really experienced properly. If you really do love each other well then you will stay together if not at least it wasnt a bitter breakup and you can go your seperate ways on good terms.

So give her the weekend to think about it and to make a decision on Monday. Its better to make the decision now that you are staying together and that is the issue resolved or to go your sepperate ways. To be honest mate if she really does like you as much as it seems she wont break up with you. She will miss you way too much and she will realise this over the weekend.

Im serious all long term relationships that start off at such a young age go through this stage its a natural process. I have two friends who went through it just like I did and you are now. Generally it works out that you stay together so try look at it like that. Just make absolutley sure you have no contact with each other for the weekend otherwise she wont experience what its really like without you.

Anyway good luck with it let us know how it goes for you

This is exactly what I needed to hear. I was just about to ask if anyone had ever gone through this and come out on top. Today is very hard, I'm very upset as expected. Last night I was ok but when I woke up I was feeling pretty badly. I haven't cried yet or anything, although I'm nearing that stage as today goes on.

Your advice really helped me Kingp35. I will not contact her over the weekend, infact I'm giving my phone to one of my friends so that I cannot send her a drunken text over the weekend. I guess I just have to bear with it and hope for the best. I have a gut feeling that on Monday she will want to take a break for a few weeks. I'm for that, I want her to be certain if we are to continue this relationship. I hope it won't be too hard over the next few days.

I'll keep you guys up to date on any developments, and I'll definately be posting here again on Monday.

Thanks alot everyone, you've all been great.

LegacyUser

Hey, I went through this as well...

I was with a girl for 5 years, and I guess for a few months towards the end, I felt like things had become stagnant. There was also an element of resentment at the "tied down" feeling. It wasn't that I felt anything was particularly wrong... rather I just couldn't see anything that was particularly right either. A relationship should be more than just mediocrity.

So we talked, and we both agreed that things had run out of steam, as incredible as that was to believe after all of that time. Despite having gone out with other people in the meantime (very unsuccessfully in my case :-p), we still meet up and hang out every few weeks.

Our break-up was very sad, but not resentful or angry, and to me that was the key to remaining close and friendly. Although I hope things do work out for you guys, the alternative isn't nearly as bad as it might seem.

BeardyGit

Be patient mate - One way or the other you'll know what the deal is when she's ready to make the call. Remember that whether or not you two stay together things will have worked out for the best. There's no point in continuing a relationship with underlying doubts from either party and she's doing the right thing by letting you know she has some doubts to address.

Sounds like you have a good friend to talk to about what you're going through yourself - Make use of that. If the decision is to take a break - Respect that decision, no matter how hard it may be. When I went through the same thing a good few years back I had (still have) a great friend that I used to call/text instead of calling my ex (those drunken calls you hint at are a real danger!) and that really helped me out when I was feeling low about the whole situation.

Like I said, it'll all work out for the best in the long run I'm sure. And I reckon you'll deal with the outcome quite well, even it's not the news you'd like to hear on Monday, as you seem quite tuned in to the overall state of your relationship as it stands at the moment.

Let us know what the craic is on Monday or whenever and some of us will no doubt have something to add depending on the outcome of the weekends deliberations!

All the best,

Gil

nobodythere

Tell her you want to take a break to figure things out, by which you mean go out and be 18 for a little while and come back when you're ready. If you can handle the jealousy of it that is (sure you get to do the same). She feels as if her youth is slipping from under her and that situation can't get better the older she gets. She doesn't have to be 18 to do all the boy kissing anyway:P Personally if it was a girl of mine, I wouldn't be able to handle the jealousy (I think), but this is a personal thing.

Guest007

Well I talked to her today, and she still doesn't know what she wants. She said she missed me this weekend, and she doesn't want to mess me around. Her sister had a baby today so she called me this morning, we only talked for 10 minutes and it was all about the baby. I just called her there a few minutes ago, and we talked for about a half an hour.

She said when she got the news I was the first person on her mind that she wanted to tell. Then she said she still wants to go on holidays with me in September (we had planned to go visit her sister for two weeks).

I told her to call me whenever she wants and I left it at that.

BeardyGit

Sorry man....This is really s****y situation. You'd better not book the flights for your holiday because this has all the signs of a "let's be friends" punchline and from what you've said already, that's not likely to work.

Everyone has times when they question the validity of their relationship. Although, it's usually the women who put the most thought into where they're at and where it's going. The one thing is that if that's all this was, a little health check as such, and if she saw hope that it would all work out the way you're hoping, she wouldn't leave you on the bench. She'd be willing to talk with you openly and she'd want to hear what you have to contribute to the discussion and subsequent decision-making process.

That's not what's happening from the sound of things. It's make or break time and the worst part for you is that you don't stand much of a chance of going on much longer in this relationship. I think you know that too. I'm sure she's not the uberbitch as she obviously doesn't want to hurt you by just dumping you. By dragging it out and hinting that 'something' isn't right she's leading up to the point where you both have that "things haven't been right for quite a while" talk. And you know where that will ultimately lead.

She's setting you up for what many would mistakenly consider to be an easy let-down - No arguments, no visible betrayal etc. I'd consider it to be a cowardly and cruel approach to take when you want out of a relationship. You deserve to know in no uncertain terms just what the hell is going on at the moment. Let's face it, it's not as though she's going to give you any concrete reasons for the cold shoulder. And it's not as though she's being overtly nasty - So you won't want to blame her for the break-up. Instead you'll be left to wonder whatever went wrong and ultimately blame yourself.

There's at least one reason for what you're going through at the moment. You say you don't see each other a lot at the moment? What else could be going on that you're not aware of? Make the difficult call and openly ask her to tell you what's going on. It could all amount to nothing but at least you'll know that you've tried to address the matter, rather than wait around to be told it's too late. You know, the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" chat.

Anyway, I'm sure someone's going to counter my negativity with a pointless witicism. Choose whichever remarks you believe are right - I'm just throwing a few suggestions your way. I know it's not easy to know what to do - But I'm sure you can feel what's right and wrong when it comes to your relationship.

Best of luck,

Gil

SingingCherry

Oh my heart is breaking for you. I know her head is a mess, as is yours, but I really feel that you should let it go. Honestly. Tell her that you think a break is best right now, because you know that's the truth. I, like everyone else on here, sees where this is going and we know that a little time apart can meet everything to a relationship. That may be all that you need.

Please, update us on things. And don't let her string this along. It doens't sound like she's doing it on purpose, but right now she's trying to figure out her head, and messing up yours in the meantime. Try to step back, and it'll work itself out.

Good luck and keep us updated.

Guest007

Thanks guys. I know what you're saying is right, I just really don't want to accept it. This is stupid I know, but I can't help it. I was so excited today before I called her, because she seems so upbeat this morning about her sister and all that, I was hoping she had sorted herself out too. I'm not going to tell her I want to take a break over the phone or anything like that. I will go to her home place this weekend, and have a very serious chat with her. More than likely I will finish it, but I really don't want to

BeardyGit

Not at all - It's not stupid. It's a natural reaction and the thought that one of lifes chapters is about to end can bring many different emotions. Just remember that neither of you actually want to hurt each other but that unless you deal with this now that's what will end up happening.

If things are really going the way it appears to us at the moment you'll be doing the right thing to push for some sense of closure. That's not going to happen overnight but if the two of you talk honestly about what's happening now you'll be better prepared to deal with the waves of emotion that are likely to follow.

A word of caution though - If it turns out to be an amicable breakup, take time out yourself. A quick email every now and then would be fine but don't expect to quickly slip into a platonic friendship overnight. You'll need to deal with your own emotions and readjust the way you approach yourself and the girl in question before you can really decide whether or not you can have any sort of normal friendship down the line.

Agree to go your seperate ways and see what happens from there - Take the time you need and be very honest with yourself that if you break up - It's a breakup. Don't grab at scraps of hope that may be thrown in your direction - They would only be offered in an attempt to relieve some of the hurt you might be showing - Again a normal reaction from someone who may not want to be with you anymore but doesn't want to hurt you either.

Removing yourself from the comfort of a 'relationship' can be quite nerve-wracking but you'll know if this is really the right course of action to take come the weekend.
Hope that doesn't sound patronising and maybe helps you gather your thoughts.

Anyway, stick to your own plan here - It's not like we really know you - All anyone else can do is relay their own experience and how they both handled and retrospectively would like to have handled similar situations.

Gil

Sifo

hey dude keep your chin up, whatever happens will be for the best, i went through something similiar a few years ago and i made the mistake of letting it continue for months after, we both ended up getting frustrated and fought constantly... needless to say we left it on bad terms, i think if we had of taken a break we might of been able to salvage the relationship.. it sounds like you need a break, if you and this girl are meant to be then you will get back together sooner or later. whatever happens is going to happen anyway.... time apart can make or break your relationship... whether or not to take that risk is up to you both... good luck keep us up to date..

Guest007

So.. It happend. Let me start from scratch about this weekend....

We talked for hours about it.
So we started going out by living together, and have never really been apart for a long period of time (more than 2 weeks, ever). So since she is in Town X, and I'm in Town Y, since feburary, it has created something between us, some distance, our relationship is not used to this. So this 'distance feeling' that has been created by our lack of seeing each other has raised some questions, are we supposed to be together if being apart like this is creating some sort of void, we're growing apart. I told her that we have three choices, stay together and try to sort it out, take a break for a while, or break up for good. She said she doesn't want us to break up, she loves me and doesn't want to be without me. But....
She said that she wants to be 'alone' for a while to see what that's like. She doesn't want to kiss other people, she said the thought of her being with someone else makes her sick, but she wants to see how she gets on without me for a while... So I agreed to take a break, originally for two weeks, and we'll see where we are from there. This is so hard, I'm so depressed and I hate it

I told her she can call me whenever she wants (one of her family members is very ill so I told her she must call me if there are any further developments), and she told me I can call her whenever I need to. When we parted today she was in tears, which made it even worse.

Misticles

that sucks.

Misticles

i have a problem, i feel myself and my partner have a boring relationship in relation to going out to places and stuff. we never go out to the cinema or to dinner. wer always in his house. its really getting to me cos i like goin out doin stuff. any opinions??

0utshined

Start a new thread so people read your problem. I'm not being facetious but most people are probably finished with this thread after the OP's most recent post (apart from me clearly). What age are ye anyway? Are ye both working?

Misticles

dunno how to

TCP/IP

mate i was in the same position dont let it bother you whatever you do make the most of been young meet people spend as much time as possible with your mates and move on. There is so may beautiful women out there and trust me they can be were u least expected. You are so young have a laugh mate. Please feel free to PM me if u want to chat as I have so been there. Dont let some bitch do this to you

nobodythere

Thaed wrote:

If you love something let it go,
If it comes back to you it is yours.

The old sayings are still around because of the truth to them.

Excellent advice, much often easier said than done

Guest007

So it happend yesterday, we went our separate ways. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever been through. It would be easier if one of us had done the dirt, but it was a mutual decision to end the relationship. I'm not just loosing the love of my life, but my best friend. I know it will take time to get over this, I hope I'm able for it. Thinking about us together, going through the relationship is so hurtful. I'd give anything to be where we were a year ago. But alas, if I think like that I'll just do my head in. I was ok yesterday and last night, but it's starting to hit home now. She still has some of my things, like my entire dvd collection. I'm not sure when to contact her to get these, whether I should do it right away or leave it a few weeks.

Whatever about how I feel now, It's going to suck real bad when I go back to where we both went to college. I lived with her there since September 2001. I want her back, damnit this is awful.

Kingp35

sorry to hear this man I feel for ya

BeardyGit

Sorry to hear it man - The signs were there in the end I guess. On the 'logistics' front, I'd suggest you might ask a mutual friend to help out. Get them to mention your personal belongings and see if it's okay for the friend to drop them back to you. You're better off taking care of it now. From experience it's a bad idea to leave your stuff with an 'ex' as they may feel compelled to do a little clearing out so to speak in the near future.

Besides, DVD's will be required while you're feeling sorry for yourself

Take care - The feeling won't last too long I hope.....

Gil

Guest007

Cheers everyone. I sent her a text today asking when she wanted her stuff back. I have some of her father's books too. She said she will get them in sept when we go back to college, and I asked if I can have my dvds back. She said she'll send them asap. So that bit was fine. Then I gave her my address, because she always gets it mixed up, and she went all snotty "by the way I know your address", the rest of the conversation kinda went down hill from there. I know I won't be contacting her again, unless no dvds arrive.

I guess it's to be expected, but it's a bit weird that she can't have a calm conversation with me without flying off her rocker. The majority of this breakup was her decision, and we ended it so calmly, we never got snotty or anything. I dunno I won't think about it anymore. It comes with the territory I guess.