Getting past jealousy....

nobodythere

My best friend is of the opposite sex (girl) and as these things go, I like her in 'that way' etc etc etc. She doesn't like me as anything more than a friend, but being my closest friend, the only difference between being her best friend and being her boyfriend is being exclusive, as we already have the trust and the closeness.

I get really jealous when she's with another guy and even when she talks about that kind of stuff. I want to be happy for her but I usually end up tripping up over my own jealousy and selfishness. Her friendship is really important to me and I need to find a way to get past the jealousy and just to view her as a friend.

Has anybody else with a best friend of the opposite sex been through this?

Talliesin

tiresius wrote:

am i to take it then that you've been known to share bedrooms of a night? If so she clearly likes you more than just a friend.

That isn't clear at all.

I know this remains to be a controversial opinion in this forum, but not everyone shares the same attitudes to sexual morality, types of relationship, monogamy and so on. Not that he said he did sleep with her. And not that one can't sleep with someone without sleeping with someone. Yeah, okay, so a whole bunch of you couldn't, but that doesn't make it universal.

Back to the OP. Have you discussed this with her at all?

nobodythere

Ok, gave the wrong impression. The only difference is the exclusiveness and the physical side, it just never really crossed my mind (even though she's very attractive :rolleyes: ). She knows, I discussed it with her, we're very open about stuff like that. She gets jealous too sometimes when I talk about girls, I think it has to happen in boy-girl friendships, something evolutionary.

Selik

grasshopa wrote:

Ok, gave the wrong impression. The only difference is the exclusiveness and the physical side, it just never really crossed my mind (even though she's very attractive :rolleyes: ). She knows, I discussed it with her, we're very open about stuff like that. She gets jealous too sometimes when I talk about girls, I think it has to happen in boy-girl friendships, something evolutionary.

Hmmm... Sounds like she's just messing you around mate, I was in a similar situation a while back with a girl in that we were good mates but we used to fool around alot too (never had full sex though) and in the end it started to wreck my head coz I was really really into her and although I'm almost certain she liked me in the same way there was a number of reasons why we never got together "properly", the main one being that I was leaving Dublin to go travelling around the world for a year. I also had to distance myself from her as well after a while due how crap it was making me feel. Having said all that we did have a connection and were very close so things might yet work out in the future when I return to Dublin.

In your case you most certainly need to ask her straight out what the story is and if she still maintains she only likes you as a "friend" (bah I hate when that happens!) then you need to realise she's just in it for the attention, comfort and ego-boosting side of things. As soon as she finds someone she really likes or is more attracted to she will be off like a light and you won't (or want to) see her as much if you ask me...

nobodythere

I just want to scream 'YOU DON'T KNOW HER AT ALL' but I know you're only trying to help. She's my best friend and it's not like that at all. She's not playing around or messing with me. She hasn't given any indication that she likes me at all. I amn't even suggesting that she does and have long passed the idea that I'll ever go out with her.

I'm just asking if anyone has ever had to get over jealousy in this kind of situation and see past it to the value of friendship, because sometimes it makes me act like a bit of a dickhead in subconscious ways and just generally gets in the way of friendship.

nobodythere

I swear, this whole forum thinks all women are playing games with them

Selik

grasshopa wrote:

I just want to scream 'YOU DON'T KNOW HER AT ALL' but I know you're only trying to help. She's my best friend and it's not like that at all. She's not playing around or messing with me. She hasn't given any indication that she likes me at all. I amn't even suggesting that she does and have long passed the idea that I'll ever go out with her.

I'm just asking if anyone has ever had to get over jealousy in this kind of situation and see past it to the value of friendship, because sometimes it makes me act like a bit of a dickhead in subconscious ways and just generally gets in the way of friendship.

Dude, if this girl "sometimes gets jealous too" about things then there's some sh!t that needs to be sorted. I'm presuming from your posts that you fancy her but have also given up on ever being with her properly, right? Well all I can say is first of all don't give up (things turn) and second of all try and talk to her about it so you know once and for all where you stand. You'll only end up hating her for being with other people and in turn as a result of that making you bitter, jealous and resentful. These friendships can only go so far. Anyway like you said none of us know this girl personally but women are women and they have a funny way of going about things and being clear about what they want and I don't think I'll get any arguments from anyone here one that one!

Talliesin

grasshopa wrote:

Ok, gave the wrong impression.

No, you gave a limited impression. My point of disagreement with tiresius was against making any assumptions at all.

grasshopa wrote:

I swear, this whole forum thinks all women are playing games with them

Yep

nobodythere

We're only 17 if that changes anything (not some girl I planned to marry or anything:)). But she has made it clear that there's nothing of that sort going on. She's had a pretty lonely childhood of getting screwed over by friends so it's hard for her to open up to people and besides being her best friend, I'm the only friend she has that she can truly open up to. My guess is that she'd never wanna risk that by going out with me.

I do know where I stand with her and I'm not willing to throw away what we have just because I get stupidly jealous. Out of curiousity, do you have any close female friends and do you think that it's possible to look upon a female friend as nothing other than a friend?

We're in a good place, and I think it's natural for friends to get jealous out of fear of losing their friend. When it's a boy-girl friendship things get a little complicated because when one of them gets a bf/gf, they become close to them in a way that friendship can never touch. This is why I think that you're jumping to conclusions when you say that by getting jealous over me she's sending mixed signals.

secret_squirrel

How long have you been best friends? How long have you known her full stop?

Plastic Scouser

I'm a girl with a really close male friend who I thought I was completely in love with for years (between the ages of 15 and 19 I reckon)!

We used to occassionally have a bit of a nearly-getting-together type thing as I think we both really felt for each other - quite a lot more than just your usual friend-type feelings. But we never did actually get together, and I think that while part of that was not wanting to lose a really good friend, it came down to the fact that it just felt like it was never really meant to be.

So, basically I just had to rise above feeling jealous of his girlfriends, and get over the teenage heartbreak I felt! And, although it lasted for years I did manage and eventually I just didn't feel the same anymore. In fact, with hindsight I can see that it wasn't 'love' at all but just youthful infatuation/lust!

(Don't mean to sound patronising and I respect that it may not be the same for you, but I'm just giving you my experience! )

Oh and by the way, we're still great friends!

McGinty

Hi

I respect where you are coming from, and the only advice I can offer, is to sit with your jealousy, it may sound a strange concept, but what I mean is the accept the fact that you feel jealous, but don't try to change it or act upon it. Just be aware of it. Personally it sounds fairly normal. We all feel jealous from time to time, right now I feel jealous of a certain situation, I realise the problem is within me, so I sit with it. It will pass, just as your jealousy will also pass. If you cherish your friendship with your friend above all else, then don't rock the boat, that's what I would do. Personally I don't believe in the whole male/female friendship thing, but then I'm a cynical so and so, who has slept with nearly all her male friends, and don't mind the rest of them, they are probably like me only won't admit it.

nobodythere

secret_squirrel wrote:

How long have you been best friends? How long have you known her full stop?

Known her about 2 1/2 years, close about 1 1/2, not best due to overprotective ex.

Selik

grasshopa wrote:

Out of curiousity, do you have any close female friends and do you think that it's possible to look upon a female friend as nothing other than a friend?

Yes of course it's possible but it's alot easier if the female in question is not attractive to the beholder. In your case, this is not the case (otherwise you wouldn't even be posting about it)! I have a few female friends I would consider as close but only one in particular as really close and even then I haven't seen her in ages due to geography issues. Thing is she's damn attractive but we got the whole shagging thing outta the way early on to ease the sexual tension so to speak and I can honestly say now I'd never think of her in that way (and I once did believe me!) - at one point we were the best of friends hanging out together ALL the time doing eveything from watching dvds to partying to just chatting. This sorta stuff always leads to the inevitable and buy that I mean the time when either one of or both parties wants to take the relationship a step further in the physical sense. Great when it happens. In the case of my friend we did it and that was it. Great fun at the time and now I'm never wondering what she'd be like in bed etc when I'm around coz I already know! Curiousity satisfied in some way I suppose. Anyway sorry for straying a little off-topic there. All I'm saying basically is it's gonna come to the crunch sooner or later whether you like it or not so either be prepared or initiate the crunch yourself...

nobodythere

Thanks Plastic_Scouser for that post, I just don't know how to rise above the jealousy. Well I don't know if it's love. I love her in the way you love a best friend but I don't know if I'm IN LOVE with her. Still fancy her though...

How do you get past all of the jealousy though... It doesn't feel like something that just goes away.

Selik

grasshopa wrote:

Still fancy her though...

And this, is the problem. Maybe try spending a little time away from her just hanging out with other mates and maybe score with some other girls you never know you could meet someone who'll just completely blow you away and then you're laughing. Of course know women the first girl will be all over you like a rash at this stage but hey at least then you'll have a choice!

Plastic Scouser

grasshopa wrote:

How do you get past all of the jealousy though... It doesn't feel like something that just goes away.

I think I'd have to agree with McGinty actually. There isn't a magic cure, you just have to think 'ho, hum, so I'm jealous, so what'! If you carry on being nice to her boyfriends and pretend to yourself that you're not jealous then as time goes on it'll get easier. Honest, it will!

Selik

Plastic Scouser wrote:

I think I'd have to agree with McGinty actually. There isn't a magic cure, you just have to think 'ho, hum, so I'm jealous, so what'! If you carry on being nice to her boyfriends and pretend to yourself that you're not jealous then as time goes on it'll get easier. Honest, it will!

Or it could get harder and he could just end up getting more pissed off and frustrated. I don't want to sound ultra-pessimistic or anything but I just think these things have gotta be tackled head-on.

nobodythere

McGinty: Seems to be the general impression I'm getting that I should just wait it out and it'll go away. Thing is she's shy around lads and it's not too often that any potential guys come along. Actually in all the time we've been friends this is the first guy that she really seems to be head over heels for, so dealing with the jealousy is kind of a first time thing for me.

Giles: True I probably wouldn't be posting if she wasn't attractive:P (whoever said looks aren't at least a little important when you're at the age that the world is your oyster...), but I'd be really disgusted and disappointed in myself if the only reason I was friends with her was sexual tension, cos it ain't.

Thanks for the eyes and ears, I think I have it pretty much figured out now. Just needed a wall to echo back what I was hearing. On some level knowing that she gets jealous when I spend too much time with girls sort of gave me a little clinging hope of our chances together but I see now that she doesn't have to fancy me to feel that jealousy. I suppose I'll just have to learn to live with it, I can't keep her to myself forever, wouldn't subject her to that:P Thanks everyone

nobodythere

Giles wrote:

Or it could get harder and he could just end up getting more pissed off and frustrated. I don't want to sound ultra-pessimistic or anything but I just think these things have gotta be tackled head-on.

I do tend to act like a dick when I'm jealous...

Selik

Good luck any way Grasshopa dude hope things work out ok. They usually do in the end anyway...

tinkerbell

Just because you stay over at hers, or she stays over at yours (in the same bed), does not equate that she likes you (like somebody above said).

You can share a bed with the opposite sex and just sleep in it, without it meaning anything! I'm talking now about just SLEEPING in the bed. If you and her are doing something in the bed, then that's a different story. But you have said that you ain't doing anything physical, so sleeping in the same bed means nothing.

I hope that you'll be able to try and see past the whole thing, and hopefully get these feelings aside, because it sounds like you have a great friendship. As for you both feeling jealous of other people, maybe she is just protective of you, etc.? Even if she doesn't like you *that way*, she may just be worried that if you start seeing someone, she won't see you as much as a friend.

You'll probably always see her in a different light though, you'll just have to try to control your feelings, I guess. That said, wait until you meet a great girl, and you won't even think twice about your friend again

Bottle_of_Smoke

grasshopa wrote:

I do tend to act like a dick when I'm jealous...

Well clearly then you're mad about this girl, I'd say you're jealousy won't pass properly until you're fixated on someone else.

In the meantime just get it into your head that *nothing* is gonna happen with the best friend, I'm sure it's torturous but it's her life and you're just not part of it in that way and NEVER will be.

One thing you said that she sometimes get jealous? that's real weird, is it cos she doesn't get so much attention or what? If that's the case I'm imagining the situation with you is every time you see her all you do is talk to her and ignore everyone else. If this is true then start treating her as a normal person and not a virtual girlfriend.

Talliesin

tinkerbell wrote:

You can share a bed with the opposite sex and just sleep in it, without it meaning anything!

Well, I wouldn't say doing so doesn't mean "anything", there's a difference between crashing with someone for lack of bedspace and sharing a bed - without sex - with a friend that means something to you. I know what you were saying here, but it does still mean something, something quite wonderful.

And that brings us nicely back to the OP, who I would suggest may need to think a bit on what exactly his friend means to him, and where jealousy fits into that.

Again, have you talked to her about this. If she's as good a friend as you indicate she'll be willing to listen. Sure it's awkward talking over issues with the person you have the issue with, but "look, I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I feel a bit jealous" is going to have less of a negative effect that behaviour that reveals your jealousy to her.

nobodythere

Bottle_of_smoke: As I was saying and as others have pointed out, I think that the jealousy comes down to the fact that there's a certain relationship between boyfriend/girlfriend that friendship just can't reach, and this gives best friends grounds to be jealous.

Talliesin: She's on holidays for two weeks but we've mentioned it in passing and I might talk to her after she comes back. Been writing her a letter..

Bottle_of_Smoke

grasshopa wrote:

Bottle_of_smoke: As I was saying and as others have pointed out, I think that the jealousy comes down to the fact that there's a certain relationship between boyfriend/girlfriend that friendship just can't reach, and this gives best friends grounds to be jealous.

Yes but you've been saying you like her in "that way", are you sure you're not just fooling yourself with that theory? I have close female friends and I don't get jealous of what they have with their boyfriends, sure it can be annoying if ya wanna hang out and they're busy but once again I don't get "jealous" that I'm not part of it. I honestly think you'll change your views on this when you start liking someone else.

pretty-in-pink

Could jus be you like being the centre of attention, as does she, and this is being misinterpreted.

I get jealous if someone new strays into my group, cause they take attention away for a while (and yes I know thats unreasonable, but I don't care, I like attention- as do most people)

hope it works out (and at the risk of sounding vulgar, unless she's in your regular spank bank then you've nothing much to worry about, if she is you probably actually fancy her as opposed to the more common "shes kind of hot, i'd do her, lets pretend shes here- what would we do" type of thing.)

Kell

grasshopa wrote:

She hasn't given any indication that she likes me at all.

Well then. Pot..kettle.... you get the picture. Move on. Find someway of dealing with the jealousy and move on.

Or......... you could play the jealousy card and Typedef her sister, and her mum, preferabley at the same time. Then mail us the pictures.

K-

Nevyn

Kell Behave

Please read the charter,
HAve a nice day.
Thaed

Kell

Thaed wrote:

Kell Behave

ROFL. But it did beg a "Typedef" comment. Allow me that much.

K-

dr.barbie

grasshopa wrote:

Ok, gave the wrong impression. The only difference is the exclusiveness and the physical side, it just never really crossed my mind (even though she's very attractive :rolleyes: ). She knows, I discussed it with her, we're very open about stuff like that. She gets jealous too sometimes when I talk about girls, I think it has to happen in boy-girl friendships, something evolutionary.

Boy/girl friendships are a recipe for diaster imho, obviously being friends with the opposite sex is normal and generally problem free,but friends who get jealous of each others lovelives are not in a healthy friendship. these kind of things only end in diaster, believe me, ive seen it happen. also ,you could be shutting the door on a potentially great relationship with someone else,because unless the someone else is very accommadating, they wont take kindly to your female best buddy and vice-versa. sorry to sound so negative

Selik

dr.barbie wrote:

Boy/girl friendships are a recipe for diaster imho, obviously being friends with the opposite sex is normal and generally problem free,but friends who get jealous of each others lovelives are not in a healthy friendship. these kind of things only end in diaster, believe me, ive seen it happen. also ,you could be shutting the door on a potentially great relationship with someone else,because unless the someone else is very accommadating, they wont take kindly to your female best buddy and vice-versa. sorry to sound so negative

Hitting the proverbial nail on the head...

nobodythere

I know what you're saying... I wouldn't be here if I thought that it was a healthy thing to be jealous about that... Me gots some thinkin' to do. Thanks again for all of the posts.

Oscar Hugo

I've been reading all the comments/advice here and one thing strikes me.... From your original post you seem to "care" for this girl as opposed to just fancying her. If that's the case there's something else to consider; at 17 boys (and girls, for you) will come and go but true friendship lasts. If you try to turn your friendship into a realtionship you will lose this girl - you said yourself you're not talking about marrying her - so ask yourself which would be better, a few months of fun or a lifetime of having someoneyou know you can always trust and turn to when you need a friend.

The jealousy will fade, at your age jealousy is a part of life. Having good friends around you will build your self esteem and help to eliminate the insecurity which causes you to feel jealous.