Boyfriend is a doorman...

Sammyjo

Hi,

First time posting here. have been on the forum tho a couple of times, so i was wondering if you all could help.

basically ive been with my boyfriend for almost eight months now and I am completely mad about him. Relationship is going great so far and we're very happy together.

There is only one issue that I have, and it's really my issue here, its not his fault at all. He's a doorman and time and time again, it really gets to me. I trust him completely, but at times Im not comfortable with girls throwing themselves at him and constantly draping themselves over him. its a weird environment for him to be in constantly. I know he wouldn't do anything about it, but yet im still uncomfortable with it. It would be unfair of me to ask him to change jobs, cos i know he really enjoys it. But am i being slightly irrational??

Basically im wondering if any of you have experiences of dating doormen, and whether it could work at all? as i said we're very happy together, and there are no other issues at all in our relationship. Can we have a future together?

anyway, all of your two cents would be appreciated.

sammyjo

jcoote

have u told him about this???

egan007

women - shaping men since 1793

Dave

Sammyjo wrote:

I trust him completely

What's the problem then?

Sammyjo

i have mentioned it to him a couple of times, but i have played down how i feel. he just assures me that its just a job, and he comes home to me at the end of the night, but i don't think he completely understands how i feel. i dont want to come across as being paranoid!! also he's done nothing wrong here, so i was conscious of not wanting him to feel worried about it. i thought i'd get used to it by this stage, but so far i havent.....

jcoote

sounds like u are being a bit irrational...like he hasn't done anything at all and u say u trust him...u have every right to feel the way u do even if u are a bit jealous...its kinda like "what if he likes one of them girls instead of me and leaves me high and dry,i really like him"... thats an insecurity u have and one u should probably address and keep within your control... if u really do like him u won't troule him over this one!

koneko

He's your boyfriend, you're going to have to trust him. If you love him and you feel he wouldn't cheat on you, don't let it get to you and work past those feelings. If you think he would cheat on you, then well... you need to sit down and have serious talks because you don't trust him. Asking him to change jobs because you feel insecure would be silly.
('course I realise this is all easier said than done, but it's true)

Sammyjo

tbh youre probably right...thats why i wanted to get other peoples opinions...kind of confirms what i was thinking myself!

Sammyjo

koneko, just saw your post after i had posted mine...i do trust him completely, i know he has no interest...its just a bit of a weird situation for a girl to deal with you know? it seems to be just a matter of working through it myself without showing him how irrational im being...cos as I said before he's done nothing wrong.

kaimera

:-/

oddly, yer boards.ie handle is my g/fs RL name.

I'm not a doorman tho...

Mannfan

Well, yea its a dodgy profession! Sort of like a barman! But i dont think you can ask anyone to change their profession because you feel uncomfortable. Think you need to give it a bit more time, sounds like youre having a ball right now. Go with it!

jcoote

its only natural to feel insecure about the possibility of losing something that we love...i'm sure a lot of people here have gone thru this kind of scenario all be it with different circumstances... i think the fact that u are worrying could encourage your bf not to cheat of have an affair or whatever because u are showing real care for him and are putting effort into keeping him in your life

koneko

Sammyjo wrote:

koneko, just saw your post after i had posted mine...i do trust him completely, i know he has no interest...its just a bit of a weird situation for a girl to deal with you know? it seems to be just a matter of working through it myself without showing him how irrational im being...cos as I said before he's done nothing wrong.

Yeah, I'm sure it isn't the ideal job you could think of for him to be in, but it could be worse (think stripper, gigolo). As long as you trust him, and you've spoken to him, I'm sure it'll be fine. Try not to worry about it, you'll just make yourself feel bad when there's no need to.

Sammyjo

just as a matter of interest, has anyone here had this experience? how did they deal with it? ("deal" is probably the wrong word.....)

Sammyjo

btw thanks for all the positive feedback so far guys..

jcoote

i dated a barwoman before and she was really good lookin and extremely bubbly... i trusted her and he never ripped me off...she was chatted up by a load of fella's and one of her co-workers asked her out etc etc but she stayed faithful... it was only for like 5 months but we got on well and her job had nothing to do with the break up

nobodythere

Believe me, there's something appealing about girls throwing themselves at you, but not drunken slutty girls. Maybe deal with some trust issues?

nobodythere

And most doormen I know don't like their jobs because they have to be assholes to people and don't like the qualities that it reflects in them, therefore he's probably just dying to get out of work and go home. I don't know, I don't know the guy.

Hornet

Sammyjo, while we probably all think (including yourself): 'She SHOULDN'T feel like that, becuase there is no reason for being concerned!', these type of feelings can become a problem. SO I think you are doing the right thing: Don't surpress them but do something about it.

I think, however, that the person with whom to work on it is your boyfriend. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell him the feelings. Don't play them down, but tell him exactly what you feel, but start the whole discussion by telling him that you trust him, that you realise that your feelings are not based on fact and reason and that you want to share them with him to work on these feelings.

Don't ask him to behave differently or to change his job or anything like that, but make him aware of what is going on in your head and in your heart.

Even if you try talking yourself out of having those feelings or fears, they could come back again and again and unless he is aware of your subconscious concerns, things could get tricky if for example once you will smell strange perfume on him or find a piece of paper with a phone number that a girl stuffed in his coat pocket etc.

Jealousy is a form of insecurity, but romance is full of insecurities and the insecurities make romance so special and give us this extra tingling feeling. I would not necessarily agree with what some people said here, when they more or less wrote: Try to get over it.

The feelings won't just disappear even if you tell yourself 1000 times that there is no reason for having them.

By the way: From what you describe I don't see ANY reason why your relationship shouldn't work out! The fact that he is a doorman doesn't make it more difficult to have a working relationship. But I think surpressing feelings like that CAN have a negative effect on a relationship, so talk to him and make him aware. Ideally and hopefully he will understand why you feel like that (even if there is no reason), will assure you of his love and loyalty and will make sure that he will tell you enough about his day to day job so that you won't have any grounds for suspicions etc.

One important thing, however, make sure that NOTHING you say sounds as if you are acusing him in ANY way. You are not and you have to make that clear to him.

Disclaimer: I have NO personal experience with a situation like that, but as a man I would think that it would be best for the relationship (if I were in a similar situation) if my partner would tell me what she thinks and feels. I would not be happy if she had worries and concerns and didn't tell me about it. By the way, personally I think it is a nice thing if my partner is a little bit jealous, it shows that she does indeed care about me. (I said "a LITTLE bit jealous"!!!).

And a last thing: Asking him to change his job or indicating that you wished he would change his job is NOT a good idea. Imagine he worked in an office with lots of nice girls around him for 8 hours every day, do you think you would feel better? I don't think so. A specific job doesn't necessarily make a person more or less promiscuous! Apart from that job satisfaction and his happiness with work will have a positive effect on your relationship, once you will manage to deal with your subconscious, but obviously unjustified worries and concerns.

Wishing you good luck and a lot of happiness with your boyfriend.

--Hornet

doctor evil

egan007 wrote:

women - shaping men since 1793

ROFL, I`m afraid I`m going to have to steal it......

Soap

grasshopa wrote:

I know don't like their jobs because they have to be assholes to people

Blatent thread hijacking. They dont have to be assholes they choose to be.

The_B_Man

you dont trust him if ur worried at all. simple as that.

its all well and good to say u trust him, but obviously u dont. stop kiddin urself. trustin him means u dont hav to worry coz u know he wont go off wit the girls. however, ur worrying.......think about it!

women :rolleyes:

horsesnout

why in gods name would any women want to throw themselves over a bouncer?

The_B_Man

power.

Sammyjo

B man,

I do trust him completely, and possibly I wasn't as clear as I should have been about what makes me uncomfortable...its not the possibility of him doing anything...i know he wouldn't. Its just the thought of girls hanging out of him that I dont like...possibly purely territorial on my part! i dont think anyone (if they were to be perfectly honest) would like to think of members of the opposite sex hanging out of their partners, without the possibility of the partner cheating even being an issue.

simu

horsesnout wrote:

why in gods name would any women want to throw themselves over a bouncer?

My thoughts exactly. They're another piece of furniture at best or a minor irritation at worst for me.

Relax OP.

Son_of_Belial

Well I work in security in gigs and such and I have to say that in my experience the girls are either way too drunk so you don't want to touch them, are only "throwing themselves at you" so that they'll be allowed go somewhere the general public aren't (i.e. back-stage, into the venue for free etc.), and anyway, you're trying to do a job. You don't have the time to be paying attention to some girl no matter how hot she may be because you'll either get fired for not doing your job or because it's simply downright dangerous not to have your wits about you. Anyway, have you actually witnessed girls hanging out of him? Is this a fact or just your imagination? Bouncers can't do their job if there's some drunken girl swinging out of them. I wouldn't worry at all. Talk to him though.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Keep reading this as "Boyfriend is a doormat"

Anyway reguardless of how you trust your boyf, the girls who throw themselves at bouncers are usually mingers who don't get in, technically he's already rejected them.

Son_of_Belial

I concur

Little Goose

Sammyjo wrote:

just as a matter of interest, has anyone here had this experience? how did they deal with it? ("deal" is probably the wrong word.....)

Yeah, I've experienced this. It's tough. My guy works in a similar environment where women throw themselves at him. One woman actually did it in front of me! It took me about a year to stop freaking out over it, yet I still have my moments every now and again. You, like me, have said to yourself that deep down you know he wouldn't do anything, so your half-way there! You'll always have that niggly thing and it's not distrust, it's just insecurity, which I think is healthy to have. There's nothing worse than a woman being so blind that she can't see what's going on. It's good to be on the alert!! Just talk to him and tell him he needs to reassure you every now and again. If he's a good guy, he'll understand and won't mind tell you there's nothing to worry about over and over and over and over again!! Heehee!

Son_of_Belial

Soap wrote:

Blatent thread hijacking. They dont have to be assholes they choose to be.

Not strictly true, doormen appear to be assholes because when you come and talk to us we still have to be watching what else is going on around us. It looks like we're ignoring you or whatever when as a matter of fact we're just trying to multi-task. You have to be on the ball all the time in this job. It's true that there are some bad eggs as with any given group of people but by and large doormen are OK. Also OP, I'd be more worried about him getting knifed or even shot (don't laugh, it happens) on the job. I've heard of guys getting their faces slashed etc. and then there was that chap who was shot to death on the quays about 3 years ago.

Seanie M

Little Goose wrote:

Yeah, I've experienced this. It's tough. My guy works in a similar environment where women throw themselves at him...... If he's a good guy, he'll understand and won't mind tell you there's nothing to worry about over and over and over and over again!! Heehee!

Being the said "guy", I understand about insecurity too! I'm a DJ in many clubs and venues around the midlands and beyond. Being in this position, I have seen the way women behave in nightclubs when their men are not with them. Yes, they have tried it on me as was pointed out. I don't think of myself as a stud, so I usually treat the kind of flirting with a hefty dose of salt - and hopefully make it bitter to taste! I find most girls who do that kind of thing to men are two-faced. Very little room for being genuine. Why? In my opinion, they are drunk, or are just pr1ck teasing, so to me in my position with a fiancée, its not worth the hassle at all.

Heck, even when I was single before I met Little Goose (at a gig mind you, but I did meet her beforehand, so I knew what she was like), I treated female clubbers with the same distant professionalism I still do now.

Sammyjo, its still early in your relationship, but if your man is like most decent men (of which there are a lot!), then you have nothing to worry about. In my opinion, if you are keeping him satisfied and happy, then, like me, at the end of each and every night he is out working, all he will think about is getting home to you as quickly as possible, cuz thats where he is happy. 'nuff said!

Seanie.

Red Alert

There's nothing to worry about really. I used to work in a women's clothes shop and have DJ'ed a couple of times (badly!) so I had one or two stalkers! Tell him, I'm sure he'd be quite amused that you're worried about these mingers. Good luck

Soap

Son_of_Belial wrote:

Not strictly true, doormen appear to be assholes because when you come and talk to us we still have to be watching what else is going on around us.

What about verbal abuse, direct contradiction of rules, physical attacks? I'm not upset that I dont get a smile and a hello I dont like them because of them purposely being pricks. True there are exceptions to the rule granted but its such a rare occasion that door staff are sound and straightforward that I find myself commenting on it to the people I'm with.

Femelade

my ex was a door man

i always suspected he was cheating

i was right

thats my 2 cents

Sammyjo

Sammyjo wrote:

Hi,

First time posting here. have been on the forum tho a couple of times, so i was wondering if you all could help.

basically ive been with my boyfriend for almost eight months now and I am completely mad about him. Relationship is going great so far and we're very happy together.

There is only one issue that I have, and it's really my issue here, its not his fault at all. He's a doorman and time and time again, it really gets to me. I trust him completely, but at times Im not comfortable with girls throwing themselves at him and constantly draping themselves over him. its a weird environment for him to be in constantly. I know he wouldn't do anything about it, but yet im still uncomfortable with it. It would be unfair of me to ask him to change jobs, cos i know he really enjoys it. But am i being slightly irrational??

Basically im wondering if any of you have experiences of dating doormen, and whether it could work at all? as i said we're very happy together, and there are no other issues at all in our relationship. Can we have a future together?

anyway, all of your two cents would be appreciated.

sammyjo

with all due respect to your boyfriend, girls from what i see flirt with doormen for one reason and one reason only. to get into the club!
im sure your boyfriend goes about his job in a professional manner and you have nothing to worry about.

LegacyUser

I work as a doorman and have done for over a year. I had a gf until a few weeks ago. I had that conversation with my EX so many times. It finally came to a stage where i refused to take it anmore so we ended our relationship after 2 1/2 years. I had never cheated on her. Sure you speak to women but it is still possible in this day and age to have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex without it leading to sex or anything sex related.
Just trust him . If he's a good guy you have nothing to worry bout. If he does something then he was not worth it in the first place and your better off without him.

Sleepy

OP, from working in a nightclub during college, trust me, you'd have far more to worry about if your boyfriend was behind the bar.

Einstein

I worked as a bouncer for about 3 years. And If you saw the state of 99% of the women at the end of the night the way I did, you'd realise you had nothing to worry about. I was only with one girl, and she's still my g/f 2 years on. She had no problem with me working, but I gave it up cos as mentioned already, it's just a risky line to be in.

D..

Sammyjo

Just to update you all....I broke up with the boyfriend last week. I still love him and its horrible, but I just couldnt deal with it. It was upsetting me too much. I guess some people can deal with it, others cant.....

Einstein

I think thats a real shame Sammyjo.
What did he say when you broke up with him?

Sammyjo

He was reiterating that he never even looked at anyone else, and I was like I know, its not a trust issue. And he thought it came from the blue, although we had talked about it before. But at the end of the day, he was like its what i do, it pays the bills. But i just said I couldnt deal with it. I dont know if ive done the right thing.....

Einstein

If I was in a job, that my gf didn't like me doing, and broke up with me over it, I'd be more p!ssed off than anything else. I think it's a little unfair of you to break up with him because you don't like his job.
You say it's not a trust issue, so what is it?
Fair enough if you don't feel the same about him, or you've noticed a difference in his personality since he's started working there, but you haven't mentioned that...

D..

Sammyjo

Well he's always done this job since before we started going out. Its not a trust issue, as I seriously know he wouldnt do anything. But i hate the thought of him out all the time with girls draping themselves over him, ive seen it when i was there, and heard girls asking for him when hes notthere. its my insecurity though, and the job is part of his life, so the only thing i could do, to stop me feeling more insane and insecure than i already am was to break up with him. i dont feel like ive done the right thing, as i still love him and feel terrible. im still crying even as im posting this. but i thought it was the only thing i could do to keep my sanity

st3vo

Hey Sammy I can kinda understand what your going through. Im not a doorman but i used to play in a well known very busy irish covers band (im in a new one now though) and im gigging every weekend night. Im not happy about going out on my girlfriend (fiancee) all the time but we have been together for 6 years now and this is my life really. I have never and will never do anything of the sort on her. But i can tell you now that i have seen and been offered some crazy things over my time... but it all depends on the person. If you can trust him and you believe him you just gotta learn to live with it. DONT ask him to stop as if my girlfriend asked me to stop it would cause serious problems as i love it. She comes out with me sometimes to the gigs aswell and its cool. Thats another thing.... if there was anything going on he will not be inviting you out to the club either! Ive kinda made things a bit harder for my girlfriend at the moment by just joining another band with 2 female singers (this means staying over in country gigs etc and lets be honest there 2 girl singers fronting a band.... there really good looking, they have to be!). Now she knows i wont do anything but she is only human and will have doubts but theres nothing anyone can do about that......
ANYWAY.... in conclusion to my ramblings. If you trust him ---- thats all you can do as if you start doubting and conflicting with him there will be problems and your relationship will not last

st3vo

Just read the reply about you dumping him over this!!!!!!!!!!
CRAZY!
Sounds like your the one with the problem!
You hit the nail on the head though when you said 'Some people can handle it and some people cant'.
But in all fairness to ya... you cant build a proper relationship and be comfortable in it if your doubting it.
Best of luck with the next lucky guy

WhiteWashMan

i wouldnt worry about it.

if you broke up with him because he was a bouncer and you think its a crap job and you cant see nay future for him, then fair dues. id do the same. no one wants to be with a loser.
if you dumped hiom because of the trust thing, then you have an issue, and perhaps being with someone else who is more attentive and is more 'trustworthy' in your eyes may help.

other than that, good luck.

The Corinthian

Sammyjo wrote:

Just to update you all....I broke up with the boyfriend last week. I still love him and its horrible, but I just couldnt deal with it. It was upsetting me too much. I guess some people can deal with it, others cant.....

I had a girlfriend like you many years ago. Of course with me it wasn’t my job just that I will often flirt with women and vice versa - it just happens, TBH. Ironically I never even thought about being with another woman. Needless to say the relationship ended in much the same way as with you. I tend not to regret many things in my life, but I think I do regret losing her. Part of people being compatible, I suppose.