Boyfriend's best friend is a girl

Smiley :)

ok im not sure if im just bein paranoid or what, but ive been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year. The thing is his best friend is a girl, and I dont no if i have any need to be suspicious or not. They have had relations in the past but i dont think it was anything too serious.
My boyfreind has assured me i have nothing to worry about and that he has no feelings for her, but it still doesnt stop me worrying. She gets quite flirty around him when im there which is irritating, but i dont want to say anything to him in case he resents me.
I just feel like i cant possibly compete with the bond they have as they've known each other forever, whereas me and my boyfriend have only known each other for the past 2 years or so. im so confused, what should i do? be as honest as u want thanks

loz

3some?

koneko

um...

are you looking for the Personal Issues board?

jimbling

your best plan of attack is do nothing... if you do, all you will do is have him thinking how much cooler the friend is than you etc... etc... and it will end with him either getting with her, or else just causing fights with you... leave well enough alone... if they have been friends for years and are not seriously together it is unlikely that they will..... and if they do, it is most likely you could have done absolutely nothing about it (ie just a matter of time)...

so forget it.. and put up with her flirting... platonic relationships can often seem flirtatious....

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

nah, I think she wants a forum to discuss the issue.

I'll lend my support anyway.

I say thee yay!

petes

This would be a great forum.

ecksor

Moving to PI.

oq4v3ht0u76kf2

My best friend is a girl... we've been friends for as long as anything that actually matters as happened and I wouldn't be without her. My other mates sometimes say we seem flirty or whatever but that's just being mates like - it just *looks* different because she's a girl and I'm a guy.

Having 'relations' with her is a horrible thought - she's a gorgeous girl and I love her but she's still my best mate! Things just don't "go there" between us... and never say never, blah di blah, but I can't see it happening ever either - it would just seem so wrong.

Not much advice other than I'm a guy with a best mate who is a girl and it's possible without it all being about sex.

*Page*

As for what your talking about i've been the guys best friend. in my situation there was nothing going on ever! but his girlfriend did talk to me about it! which was fine!

i told my mate that his girl was feeling happy with our friendship. so one night he got out the photo album and told her about me and him!

thing is he's like a little brother to me i love and am very protective of him.
she seen this as us beening too close.

best advise is talk to your bf. if you get on well with talk with her.

its your best bet. best of luck

azezil

You've been going out with your boyfriend for nealy a year and you don't trust him... I think you should be more concerned about that than him having a female friend!

kaimera

ehh...am I the only one so far who thinks the friend is out of line with flirting with the OPs bf?

talk to him and tell him you find it unsettling or whatever.

amazingemmet

I've been in the bf role a few times as most my close friends are girls i'd beleive him when he says its platonic. As for what you say is flirting i'd say is more just playing and being relaxed with each other. but if it does bother you, you should say it to your bf

WhiteWashMan

why would you try and compete with her?

its not a competition. why cant you just see her as a friend? what are you threatened by exactly?

spockety

Bob wrote:

My best friend is a girl... we've been friends for as long as anything that actually matters as happened and I wouldn't be without her. My other mates sometimes say we seem flirty or whatever but that's just being mates like - it just *looks* different because she's a girl and I'm a guy.

Having 'relations' with her is a horrible thought - she's a gorgeous girl and I love her but she's still my best mate! Things just don't "go there" between us... and never say never, blah di blah, but I can't see it happening ever either - it would just seem so wrong.

Not much advice other than I'm a guy with a best mate who is a girl and it's possible without it all being about sex.

You, my friend, are in denial.

Boys and girls cannot be friends. Anyone who thinks they can, are trapped in one of these torturous "friendships".

ecksor

As soon as I saw you post on this thread I knew you'd post those exact words.

You left out the link to your favourite ladder theory site

Einstein

Ye know theres nothing better than being best mates with a girl. Its a serious breath of fresh air. I was best mates with a girl for years, and there was never anything else between us, but most girls have a problem with this...

If it starts to bother you and he sees that, he'll start fibbing to you and telling you that he's with someone else...and that can be a recipe for disaster, so don't worry about it...honestly!

D...

tinkerbell

I've been the best friend. My best pal started going out with this girl. She was acting really friendly with me for the first while, then she got totally psycho on me. Turns out she is actually a psycho crazy person, and started stalking me! :eek:

And she never had anything to worry about because I only ever saw my friend as a friend, it was never ever anything more, and also, I have been going out with my boyfriend since they started going out!

Turns out, she got so psychotic on me, that I had to go to someone in authority about her, shall we say. I tried telling him that she was crazy (she actually has serious mental issues), but he turned against me. It was all too much hassle than it was worth so I stopped talking to him.

Such a good friendship down the drain all because his girlfriend is a stupid jealous bitch!

My advice is - if they have been friends for years, well if they wanted something to happen, it would've happened by now. You've been going out with the lad for a year, so loosen up a bit! If she acts flirty around him, that maybe just her nature, she mightn't even realise she is being flirty.

Altheus

There's definitely a point to be made for men having long term crushes on their best friends, I mean how many posts have there been in here.

That said, do not stand by as the paranoid jealous girlfriend, because chances are that it is a plutonic relationship. You're the one holding the power here, because you're the one who can influence the situation the most.

I would say one of the best methods to rooting out the solution is perhaps talk to this girl about it. Don't mention the flirting or anything like that, just be civil and nice, but not that 'fake nice' that girlfriend's can do on command!

Men and women can be friends, sometimes it's the case where one of the parties become jealous due the time they no longer spend together, this is the same case for male friends too. "You're never out with the lads..."

Just keep your cool, and realise that maybe she's just vying for his attention and maybe slips a little bit overboard every now and then, at the end of the day he's with you, and any hostility towards this girl may jeopardise that.

spockety

ecksor wrote:

As soon as I saw you post on this thread I knew you'd post those exact words.

You left out the link to your favourite ladder theory site

Tell me it's not true!

*sigh*

There should be a STICKY about this.

Son_of_Belial

*Page* wrote:

As for what your talking about i've been the guys best friend. in my situation there was nothing going on ever! but his girlfriend did talk to me about it! which was fine!

i told my mate that his girl was feeling happy with our friendship. so one night he got out the photo album and told her about me and him!

thing is he's like a little brother to me i love and am very protective of him.
she seen this as us beening too close.

best advise is talk to your bf. if you get on well with talk with her.

its your best bet. best of luck

Yeah, I have some very close female friends and they're feircely protective of me. They can sometimes be very intimidating towards my girlfriends. What I generally do is to try to keep contact between them as low as possible. All the same though, whenever I have had a girlfriend and my mates around each other I make sure that the usual outward signs of affection that my mates manifest esp when around girlfriends is kept to a minimum. I reckon if you've been going out with your bf for a year and you really do trust him then there's really nothing for you to worry about.

Tar.Aldarion

if shes his best friend no worries as lonng as theyve been best friends for ages

oq4v3ht0u76kf2

spockety wrote:

You, my friend, are in denial.

Boys and girls cannot be friends. Anyone who thinks they can, are trapped in one of these torturous "friendships".

Bollocks. There aren't hard and fast rules for friendships, boy-girl or otherwise. I've known her as long as I care to remember and she's like a little sister to me... maybe you have been in that kind of situation, and I know I've wanted girls before who've just wanted friendship with me but with this specific girl? Not in a million years.

cuckoo

I've been the female-best-friend of the guy, and i can understand why you might interpret the behaviour of your boyf and his bf as flirting.

I'd suggest befriending her - for many reasons:

1. They're friends, so you'll be seeing lots of her anyway. But, not in a discuss every detail of your sex life way.
2. Girls don't usually seduce their friends boyfriends. Sadly, this isn't a hard and fast rule...
3. When it comes to buying presents for you time he'll probably ask her for advice. I've trekked around many a shop with male friends looking for gifts for their girlfriends, and steering them away from some potentially purchases.

But, is it this girl in particular that you have a problem with, or are you jealous of your boyfriend being around women in general? I like guys that have female friends, and i hope men like women who have male friends.

kittenkiller

I've been there & it was so so torturous for me for well over a year.
I put myself through hell thinking about them & what they'd be getting up to.

Like you, my bf & his female best friend had had 'relations' in the past & i kept thinking 'Well he MUST fancy her for him to have jeopordised their friendship to *do* her.'.
But apparently not.
I dunno.
& to be honest it still kinda bugs me 3&a half years on, but i'm feeling much much better about it.

Here's the really tricky part of it...
I told my bf about how his friendship with her was getting to me.
& then i told him again.
& then AGAIN.
& again.
& again....
(you get the picture)
I spent hours on the phone to him sayin the same ol thing to him & he'd be responding with the same words over & over.
He just didn't get it.

I don't know what happened in the end, i think it was when he was super honest about what was going through his head the time he had 'relations' with her, that coped me on a bit to their situation.

& he realised that how i was feeling cut really deep & could be putting our relationship at serious risk.

The thing is, we're all allowed be neurotic about things, just as long as it's not about everything & interferring completely with your everyday life.
If something's making you feel bad, he should do something to try to rectify it.

Tell him hiw you feel.
Give him examples of what you feel is unacceptable flirting (i'm sure you have a stack load of uncomfortable memories form the last year that you could share).

If he doesn't know, he can't do anything about it.
I, myself wouldn't talk directly to her as *her* behaviour shouldn't be anything to you, it's *his* aceptance of what she does that relates to you.
Let him talk to her if you feel it's necessary.

I really hope you overcome this.
Trust your boyfriend to act in the right way & do his job in reassuring you.

Pm me if you feel like a bit(hing session or just a chat.
I know how horrible it is to feel like you are at the moment.

Best of luck.

Tar.Aldarion

''You, my friend, are in denial.

Boys and girls cannot be friends. Anyone who thinks they can, are trapped in one of these torturous "friendships".''

utter bollox....
now OP how long have they been friends and how serious were they?
if it's like 10 years don't really worry about it...and anyway no matter what she is his best friend so what can you accomplish,she will be in his life..so hope he prefers you as a gf and her as a friend

Victor

In an outrageous, not to serious moment shout at her to stop flirting with your boyfriend. Then laugh it off.

This of course, may make everyone paranoid.

gom

Flirting...

OP. I really don't see the problem here. THey have been friends for a long time and nothing has happened. You have been in a relationship with him for the last 2 years. You need to get to grips with the reality. You are jealous and need to talk to your bf about your jealousy. You absolutely must not ask him to be any less of a friend to her, e.g. stop flirting etc.

Flirting is a natural way humans can relate to one another. It just so happens that most men don't flirt with their male friends. WOmen on the other hand almost always flirt with their female friends. Its seen as normal and most guys don't get jealous when their girl-friend is flirting with her best mate.
The situation is no different when a guy is friends with a girl. FLirting is a way women use to express trust and comfort around someone.

I've about an equal amount of female to male friends but I would have to say I am alot more close to my female friends and would be more willing to share my feelings and such intimitate toughts with my girl-mates over my boy-mates.

Never been in a situation where I wanted more than a friendship from a close female friend. The only time something similar happened was with someone who I was courting for a while as a friend but we both knew where we were going.

I think you should talk abuot it with your bf some and then come to terms with your own insecurities also. Flirting is normal and non-exclusive. If he starts sleeping with her then think about laying down a firmer hand

RE*AC*TOR

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

arkles

if a guy and girl have feeings for each other, and a relationship cannot be, or if one has feelings and the other has'nt, then they cannot be friends and have to walk away, end of story, just had to do that yesterday and yes we both love each other.

take care
ger

neuro-praxis

Hrm, my best friends are mostly male and my partner is perfectly happy with that (I'm a chick). He can be happy because he trusts me.

I think that there is an element of attraction in all of my close friendships, male or female. If there wasn't we'd never be so close. This is normal - we are drawn to others when we see that they have qualities we like.

So, if he's a bit attracted to her, so what? He's not a robot. My husband fancies other women and I fancy other men, but we choose not to indulge those thoughts or to pursue anyone else. It's healthy.

If you trust him, and he fancies her a bit, this should not be a problem. You can have a purely platonic relationship with somebody whom you consider attractive. I'd say try not to worry. If he is trustworthy, then there is no issue. Try to get to know her really well too, maybe? Also work on your own self-esteem. If you like who you are then you should be happy about this friendship.

By the way, if she behaves in an inappropriate way, I do think you have a right to bring that up.

derek27

oooh that is an awful feeling...

i was like that once with a girl i was going out with. nearly all her friends were lads, and the'd be in our company a lot, even around our house. after a while, it was like i had this ball of rage inside that i thought i had to conceal in order to keep everything nirvana with the gf (i knew if i said anthing she'd say i didn't trust her). fact was i suppose, that i didn't... and it was purely jealousy on my part. that was a good number of years ago now. i've gotten wiser. i eventually started being narky when they'd be around and she'd be paying them so much attention. she knew something was up and said it to me one night. i told her how much it bothered me that she had so many close male friends and that i was afraid that one of them would swipe her from me. she was annoyed, but understanding enough. she explained to me how she knew them an awful lot longer than me, and was under no circumstances going to reduce the no. of friends she had, or the level of friendship she had among the people in her friend base. things became very edgy between us after that... she always knew that there'd be 5hit goin on in my head when the were around and would start to almost isolate me if i was looking narky. i reckoned that i'd blown the relationship. funnily enough, she ended up goin behind my back with someone else anyway, but it wasn't one of her friends!

since then i've wisened up. i myself have an equal no of male and female friends whether i'm in a relationship or not, and if i'm with someone, i dont mind who they are friends with, so long as they're not scumbag drug dealers or anthing. its like, most people wouldn't dream of any kind of conduct with their friends that isn't purely platonic. it'd just be too weird to get into bed with one of your best friends of many years, almost like getting into bed with your siblings in my opinion. if anything is going to happen between two people, it's usually indicated very shortly after meeting. for myself, i've literally cut the jealousy and distrust out of my character with regard to relationships. it never pays off to have those feelings. you just find yourself with low morale and not fun to be around and always worrying and even going to the measure of posting your thoughts on boards for the opinion of some 30,000 people! aren't you just better off not to be worried... if your partner is going to do anything behind your back, they will do it whether you were worrying about it or not. it's in their character. save yourself the mental anguish. become trusting, takes time and experience, but do it for yourself. try not to express jealousy either, that particular emotion has effects on every other emotion you have, so it will change the person that you have the potential to be. if you really cant trust a person in a relationship, then you shouldn't go out with them either. it's hard to shake the feelings of distrust and jealousy about a person once they have developed to a certain level. if this relationship you're in breaks down, take a decent break from relationships, dont get caught on the rebound. take time to enjoy your own company without always having another person to consider in everything you do. after a decent time alone, you will be ready to enter another relationship, hopefully with more success and a better attitude towards the person you meet.

derek27

neuro-praxis wrote:

Hrm, my best friends are mostly male and my partner is perfectly happy with that (I'm a chick). He can be happy because he trusts me.

I think that there is an element of attraction in all of my close friendships, male or female. If there wasn't we'd never be so close. This is normal - we are drawn to others when we see that they have qualities we like.

So, if he's a bit attracted to her, so what? He's not a robot. My husband fancies other women and I fancy other men, but we choose not to indulge those thoughts or to pursue anyone else. It's healthy.

If you trust him, and he fancies her a bit, this should not be a problem. You can have a purely platonic relationship with somebody whom you consider attractive. I'd say try not to worry. If he is trustworthy, then there is no issue. Try to get to know her really well too, maybe? Also work on your own self-esteem. If you like who you are then you should be happy about this friendship.

By the way, if she behaves in an inappropriate way, I do think you have a right to bring that up.

most definately!

Bottle_of_Smoke

kaimera wrote:

ehh...am I the only one so far who thinks the friend is out of line with flirting with the OPs bf?

talk to him and tell him you find it unsettling or whatever.

Yes I think you are. That's the first the step towards "me or her". She's probably just a flirty person, girls who have mostly male friends tend to be imo.

OP do you have any close male friends? How would you feel if the boyf had a problem with them?

DAEDULUS

Read this,might make things clearer for you.
Long version : http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
Main Point for your case :http://www.intellectualwhores.com/virginia.html
And yes,whatever you read there is pretty true.

Bottle_of_Smoke

DAEDULUS wrote:

Read this,might make things clearer for you.
Long version : http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
Main Point for your case :http://www.intellectualwhores.com/virginia.html
And yes,whatever you read there is pretty true.

No, I'm male, have plenty female friends. Can assure you it's mostly bullsh|t. The ladder thing anyway.

Kingp35

spockety wrote:

You, my friend, are in denial.

Boys and girls cannot be friends. Anyone who thinks they can, are trapped in one of these torturous "friendships".

This is complete rubbish and so is that ladder thing.

My best friend is a girl. We have been best friends since we were about 4 years old. That is 16 years ago now and we are still best friends in that we go to the pub together alot go to each others houses alone alot pretty much do alot of things just the two of us and it has been that all of the time. We tell each other stuff if we have problems and all that so we are very close.
All of our friends know that we are best friends

I alos have a gf for 3 years now and I love her to bits. She has absolutely no problem with my best friend because I told her about my friend early in the relationship about how close we were and she has had no problem since then.
There is no reason for her to have a problem with it because it is just friendship and it is always going to be that way. My girlfriend knows this and so she is not jealous at all. In fact the two of them have become friends too within that time and because of that my gf knows full well what my relationship with my best friend is like.

My best friend has also had a couple of bf within that time and neither of those two had a problem with us either because again my best friiend introduced me too them early as her best mate and so tehre was no problems. I became friends with these guys too and I still am. I go for a drink with them every now and again.

Ok so I have a few of points to make:
1) Guys and girls can definitely be only friends without sex being involved. me and my best friend are living proof of that

2) You should sit down with your bf and get him to tell you about there relationship so you will know its purely a friendship thing and that there is no reason for you to be jealous.

3) You will probably end up becoming good friends with this girl too when you go out with his circle of friends. you will get to know her and all will be well. try to become friends with her abd ease your worries.

4) Jealousy and lack of trust is the downfall to any good relationship and if you remain jealous and untrusting I can only see your relationship ending. You have to do the two above points and everything will be fine for you. I know because I have alot of experience with it.

5) Never make anybody choose between you or their best friend this will only end bad for you. If he really has known her for so long he will hate you for trying to make you choose between you and his friend.

thats my 2cents worth. Hope i helps you out

By the way spockety how do you come to the conclusion that guys and girls cant be friends? Thats a ridiculous comment

mcshape

Get yourself a new best friend..... Make sure its a bloke!!! *l*, Be as friendly with him as your fella is with his friend and see how he feels, Everybody does have a past though and thats what makes them who they are, That includes friends!