Nosey mother

LegacyUser

I'm 19 and I live at home with my parents because I can't afford a place of my own at the moment.

I woke up this morning to find my mother in my room which can only be described as "routing"

She found a durex packet (wasn't the wrapper - It was a kind of cardboard thing that went around it. - I got it free at the start of college) and hit the roof.

She said that it was an absolute disgrace that I was leaving things like this hangin around. I didn't leave it hanging around because i hadn't even seen it since the start of college. She obviously found it when she was routing.

So now my parents have said their going to be doing frequent "Inspections" of my room.

I am so bloody annoyed.

The only reason my mother is so intent on finding out that I'm actually having sex is because her and my dad sleep in different rooms and haven't got along in years. I believe she's doing this out of jealousy..

Nevyn

Yes, you are an adult and yes that type of behaviour is not acceptible but you are still living under their roof and under thier rules.

Trying to get your parents to see you and treat you as an adult can be very hard. Now that you are starting college it may be time to have a chat with them.

But honestly if push came to shove and you were not in in a college you could travel to from home you would have to move out and get a parttime job as well.
Not saying it would be easy but other people have managed.

tabatha

that isnt on. you are old enough now to be going what you want. 19 is old enough to be responsible. put a lock on your door or get out. get yourself a part time job and look for a cheap place to share.

Keyzer

You should plant stuff in their room...

Keyzer, look up there the charter, I suggest you go read it.
This is friendly reminder , the next wont be.

Have a nice day.
Thaed

disillusioned

While you live in your parents' house you can expect to have to put up with stuff that you don't like. It's tough really but we've all been there and generally this type of "incident" helps push us to move out.

Your mother has every right to go into your room - she owns the house. If you're paying a reasonable rent to your parents then perhaps you could ask for more privacy and expect that request to be respected. However, if your contribution to the household economy is little or nothing then you don't really have a leg to stand on.

As for the suggestion of jealousy I think you might want to get over yourself!

LundiMardi

Personally, i would be more upset if i DIDN'T find contraception in my childs room at the age of 19 ffs!! :rolleyes:

Wez

Ask her if she'd prefer you didn't use them..

LundiMardi

disillusioned wrote:

Your mother has every right to go into your room - she owns the house.

Completely disagree!

Cabaal

LundiMardi wrote:

Personally, i would be more upset if i DIDN'T find contraception in my childs room at the age of 19 ffs!! :rolleyes:

I agree, It seems she does not want to wake up to the reality of things,

Crucifix

I'm also 19 and living at home so I can feel your pain. While it is a gross invasion of privacy, it is also their house and so there's not much you can do. So my advice to you is to put up with it, and if you have anything incriminating, just find good hiding places.

the_syco

nosey mother wrote:

She found a durex packet (wasn't the wrapper - It was a kind of cardboard thing that went around it. - I got it free at the start of college) and hit the roof.

Ask her if she'd prefer if you got some young one preggers, and had to drop out of college to support it...

LegacyUser

@ disillusioned

No i dont think i need to get over myself. Her and my dad are always fighting over sex because she wants it and he doesn't. So hence thats why i think she's jealous because i can get sex and she cant.

I have a part time job but the money is crap - at most i get €150 a week.

I'm trying desperately to get a new job.

She did this while she thought i was asleep in my bed. She obviously must do it while I'm out aswell..

Find it quite sickening that somebody would go through my stuff

and im a girl by the way

Nevyn

I really don’t think it is a good idea to be commenting on your parent’s relationship in such a fashion even if it is unreggie.
They are your parents and are due a bit of respect.
Yes, their relationship may not ideal but have you spoken to you mother about it? She could be really not happy and need your support.
If you are going to form an adult relationship with your parents respect goes both ways and you are at the age where your parents can become your friends as well. If you are going to continue living at home for the for seeable future,
this may become a must.

shellby

i'm nineteen i live at home and my parents get €85 a week rent i share a room and have to put a lock on my wardrobeto stop my sister from robbing me bling (make-up, clothes, shoes, smokes etc.)

whats worse is i moved out but had to come home when the girl i was living with became pregnant she already had a son and needed the room

i was paying less rent had my own room and an unbelievable amount of freedom my parents have no problem taking money but i had to put a pad lock on my wardrobe because they wouldn't talk to her about taking all my things

the fact is however the older you get the more you need your own space and privacy and your mother has to respect that i'm sure she wouldn't take kindly to you snooping around her things

i do agree with my house my rules theory to an extent she can't stop you from having sex so just don't in her house simple your 19 and if you ask me your mother is obviosly the immature one in this relationship condemning you for using contraception i'm sorry to have to say it but the woman sounds like a bit of an idiot

Beruthiel

nosey mother wrote:

Her and my dad are always fighting over sex because she wants it and he doesn't. So hence thats why i think she's jealous because i can get sex and she cant.

I agree with Thaed on that one
you are old enough to see them in a more adult way than your comments above and I think using the word 'jealous' in this context is more than a tad simplistic - I am quite sure her feelings are many things, but 'jealous' is not one of them.

I believe your mother has over stepped the line with regards to going through your room, it is something I would never do myself - sit down with her and have a logical, calm discussion - do not under any circumstances raise your voice - it is quite clear that she still sees you as a child that needs to be protected, until you prove her otherwise she will contine to think along those lines. Start behaving like an adult towards her today and see what happens.

Citizen Jake

In terms of the condoms, I know your mum is from a different generation, but seriously, she should be glad you're packing them.

Larianne

You're mother and my mother would defo get along. So nosey it's unreal. Happened to my brother : Mam rooting around his room. Went into the bin, opened up a crumpled piece of paper and found a used condom!! So she had a little chat with him and his gf. Mortification!! His solution, he got a lock for his room! i suggest you do the same. Unless you're mother still cleans you're room, takes away your dirty clothes and makes your bed!

Beruthiel

I would certainly never allow my daughter to put a lock on her door, it's not necessary.
I would think, considering the type of mother she has, that would like be waving a red rag to a bull, a very bad idea.

shellby

Beruthiel wrote:

I would certainly never allow my daughter to put a lock on her door, it's not necessary.
I would think, considering the type of mother she has, that would like be waving a red rag to a bull, a very bad idea.

i agree it could cause more trouble than its worth try and speak to her about it but if its all falling on deaf ears then its time to get out

i know its harder than just that but you can't have every bit of your life examined by your parents thats not right you'll also find your relationship with them will probably improve if you do

MadPatrick

Thaed wrote:

I really don’t think it is a good idea to be commenting on your parent’s relationship in such a fashion even if it is unreggie.
They are your parents and are due a bit of respect.

Any respect they are due goes right out the window when they start nosing through your stuff and going psycho at the sight of a condom packet. The answer is simple, offer to make food, poison them and keep them in the freezer. Just tell people that they went on holiday. Then you got your own place, you can keep old condompackets all over the place. Except in the freezer.

Raiser

Genius stuff Patrick!

Unreg - Yer Ma is well out of order, hope you find better p.t. employment & an escape route.

Disillusioned - You obviously can't wait to procreate so that your offspring can be (mis)treated like 3rd class citizens who should eternally beg for your clemency(?)

dudara

To the OP, your comments regarding your parents relationship seems to very much out of order. Are you trying to compete with your mother for men? If not, them stop saying your mother is jealous. She brought you into this world, so at least accord her some respect.

As to her rummaging in your room, you need to talk to her about this. Yes, you are living at home, under their roof, but even so, you need to be accorded some privacy. Sit her down, establish some boundaries together. If this fails, you've got to consider finding your own place.

Moms will be eternally nosy when it comes to their children.

kasintahan

Buy a safe. Argos are doing a special at the moment (unless I'm imagining things again).

They're about €40-50 and weight about 15-20kG (so maybe get someone strong to carry it).

Beruthiel

MadPatrick wrote:

Any respect they are due goes right out the window when they start nosing through your stuff and going psycho at the sight of a condom packet. The answer is simple, offer to make food, poison them and keep them in the freezer. Just tell people that they went on holiday. Then you got your own place, you can keep old condompackets all over the place. Except in the freezer.

another comment like that one Patrick will result in a banning
B

Altheus

I remember the days... They're a little bit out of order, but I know how my mother feels about sex under her roof. She's got her opinions of it, and as such demands that I respect those while I was living in her house. There was no jealousy involved. Different parents hasve different levels of tolerance towards these things.

I got caught with a quarter of hash and she didn't mind, but when she found a Hustler she went spare.

My advice is not get angry, regain their trust, save up and move out. If there is 'taboo' items, or stuff you dont think they should see, get a locker or a safe, chances are though, if they find it they'll demand to open it and you're back to square one.

Ask her why she feels the need to invade your privacy, tell her that it's hurtful, be mature about it. Perhaps an offering of contribution to the household (say €25 a week based on your current status) in exchange for you personal space back.

the_syco

OP, do you have any high presses, or loose floorboards? If so, hide the condoms there. Also hide your porn, cigs, telephone numbers, etc there. And keep the rest of the room tidy. Then she'll find nothing, think she has "won" due to her nagging, and bug you about something else.

homah_7ft

I don't really think it is acceptable for your mother to do this unless the circumstances are extreme eg. hard core drug use. You need to talk to her about it. Don't bring her lifestyle into it. That will just muddy the waters. Keep it to how it made you feel.

Son_of_Belial

tabatha wrote:

that isnt on. you are old enough now to be going what you want. 19 is old enough to be responsible. Put a lock on your door or get out. get yourself a part time job and look for a cheap place to share.

Hear hear! Also, the condom thing is dumb. My answer to that would simply be "OK, so I'll go and catch an STI while I cook you up a grand-kid huh?" That'd shut them up. But yeah, try and talk to them about it. If they won't listen just put a lock on your door. It's not like they're going to chuck you out. Is it? if putting a lock on the door isn't viable (as per dog-in-the-manger "it's my house, you're under my roof" bull****), just hide the things you don't want them to find. Inside speakers, behind ventilation grills. When I was younger and my Dad was still around I had a number of nifty hiding places for *ahem* contraband. Get a thick book on something totally boring that you'd never read. Soak it's pages (not the front cover) in PVC glue. When they dry they'll be like a bloc of wood. Cut out a hollow in there and stash your stuff in it. There are also spaces under your floor. If you're clever you can lift part of the carpet, use a drill and a jig-saw to cut out a square section as a lid and then put whatever you don't want them to find in there. Obviously though, getting a lock is the best idea I can think of. As for

No i dont think i need to get over myself. Her and my dad are always fighting over sex because she wants it and he doesn't. So hence thats why i think she's jealous because i can get sex and she cant.

That's not only a childish attitude but it's manky as well! TMI!! Jesus, I for one don't want to know that, even if you are using an anonymous alias!! **Shudders**

*Page*

My dad has spent his life snooping in mine and my sisters rooms reading our diaries, finding out we were on the pill or had condoms, dildos, vibrators everything...

The best thing to do is not to be ashamed.

When my dad joked (~in a trying to piss me of way~) about getting me rechargeable batteries for my "toys" for an Xmas gift I said, "brilliant can you get d sized batteries too!!!"

I don’t care what my dad finds in my room, anytime he slips up and says something about my room I don’t speak to him and I start locking my room!


He made a point of checking my room up until january of this year (i'm 22) when he read something that still to this day hurt me so much! I know he still snoops about when he gets a chance.


~Because I am evil I do make fun of what he does. I leave empty condom wrappers in a drawer, I got a rolling mat a pack of john player blue and some skins and left them in a tin in my room with a lighter (I don’t smoke anything let alone roll). I leave sexy massage oils around the room. In my book collection I have a 100 best sex position book. I don’t hide my "toys". I have a large make up bag filled with condoms (the ones you get for free). In my diary I write about the raunchiest sex ever. If he brings any of it up in conversation I loose it at him! ~

Son_of_Belial

*Page* wrote:

My dad has spent his life snooping in mine and my sisters rooms reading our diaries, finding out we were on the pill or had condoms, dildos, vibrators everything...

The best thing to do is not to be ashamed.

When my dad joked (~in a trying to piss me of way~) about getting me rechargeable batteries for my "toys" for an Xmas gift I said, "brilliant can you get d sized batteries too!!!"

I don’t care what my dad finds in my room, anytime he slips up and says something about my room I don’t speak to him and I start locking my room!


He made a point of checking my room up until january of this year (i'm 22) when he read something that still to this day hurt me so much! I know he still snoops about when he gets a chance.


~Because I am evil I do make fun of what he does. I leave empty condom wrappers in a drawer, I got a rolling mat a pack of john player blue and some skins and left them in a tin in my room with a lighter (I don’t smoke anything let alone roll). I leave sexy massage oils around the room. In my book collection I have a 100 best sex position book. I don’t hide my "toys". I have a large make up bag filled with condoms (the ones you get for free). In my diary I write about the raunchiest sex ever. If he brings any of it up in conversation I loose it at him! ~

Hmm... You'd think he'd have learned his lesson! I remember I was in my 20 year old sister's room. I'm 22 and she asked me to get something for her - (she was downstairs) and I looked in the wrong drawer to be greeted with a 6" long bright pink vibrator with a clitoris stimulator thing on it, rotating ball-bearings inside it the works! I never touched the thing and I said nothing to her about my discovery, but now nothing will enduce me to go in there again! If she wants something now she can come up and get it herself! **Shudder**

*Page*

rampid rabbit

Uthur

Every human being has the right to privacy and to their own space.
If your parents are such total idiots that they give you that you need to
move out and get those fools out of your life.

Just because you live in someone else's house that doesn't give them
the right to treat you any damn way they please!

*Angel*

Well however close you are with your mum it definitely doesn't give her the right to snoop around your room, I'd say get a lock for your room. Ask her if she rather you didn't use condoms.

Piste

First of all: Tell your mum how you feel. Let her know her behaiour is upsetting you and that you have a right to privacy.

If that doesn't work and she continues to snoop around your bedroom and root through your things, hid them where she will not look. If you have a pile of teddies, you can hide stuff in them, (It's where I keep my handcuffs away from prying eyes) surely she wont look there?

You may have to find a more devious way of hiding things i.e. under floorboards, matress.

Another thing you can do is stop caring about what she finds. I know that it's the rooting through your things that your angry about but if she finds anything (condoms, vibrator) what can she do? You're nineteen, as long as she doesn't find anythnig illegal (drugs etc.) there's nothing she can do besides nag you. Explain this to her and ask her why she insists on invading your privacy.

Victor

Your mother needs to realise you are an adult. You need to realise they are still your parents and you are under their roof.

A get-to-know-each-other-as-adults session may be in order.

And tell your mother that you never want to catch her trying to nick your condom(s) again.

Gillo

She found condoms, ok, I'd be well pi$$ed if someone went looking aroud my room. Why not try to calm her down by talkign to her, yes you had sex as all young people do, but you were sensible and used condoms, it was with someone you love not some random slapper. And you realise she probley was shocked but you are 19 and an adult and can do certain things.

I wound't recommend a safe all it says is I have stuff I don't want you to know about, it'll only antagonish the situation. Bare in mind that most parents always think of the children as just that- children, you have to respect the fact that you live in their house and ultimately you have to accept that.

the_syco wrote:

OP, do you have any high presses, or loose floorboards? If so, hide the condoms there. Also hide your porn, cigs, telephone numbers, etc there. And keep the rest of the room tidy. Then she'll find nothing, think she has "won" due to her nagging, and bug you about something else.

nah, I'd advise to leave something small, hidden but not easy enough for your mother to find, afterall you are 19 you are going to have stuff (which in your mohter's eyes) you shouldn't have, is she finds nothing unless whe is very niave she'll know you have them hidden well, if she finds a porno or pack of condoms and can't find your reallly well hidden stash of whatever she'll think she has it all.

Nightwish

my parents have gone rooting through my room so many times over the years, although they do it separately.my mother read my diaries until i started keeping one on my computer which she cant get at. my dad read my letters from my boyfriend who was living overseas at the time, and he flipped and my boyfriend couldnt visit me in my own house for 6 months. also he has gone through my music and book collection and thrown out stuff he found to be "inappropriate". the result of all this is that I have a very cold relationship with my parents. i dont trust them. i dont confide in them. i now leave out all my music, books, dvds, no matter what their content just to pi$$ them off, as i said my diary is on a password protected computer and anything else i just find extremely good hiding places for such as an underwear drawer, as no parent would or should ever go through the underwear drawer of their grown up children.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Hey everyone I don't think the OP is looking for somewhere to hide condoms! Someone actually suggested buying a safe!?!? Wouldn't do this or lock the door. From what you've said she sounds like the type who'd break the door and take the safe.

Anyway I'm 20 so my parents are prob around same age as yours or at least they're going through the same thing(me started college this year)

I'm 90% sure my mum goes through my room, she's just the type of person where you *know* she does. I have condoms in drawers so I assume they don't mind, or else she's too scared I might tell her I'd actually have used one at some stage. (Never underestimate the power of denial)

Anyway I have other issues with parents and I find the best method is to keep questioning *WHY* they do what they do and *WHY* they have a problem with these things, generally freaks them out as they have to admit to themselves what they're doing wrong. It also usually makes them look at the situation in a more logical way. Should be especially effective in your case if your jealousy suspicions are true.

One other thing- do NOT say something (even in the heat of an argument where its most likely to happen) like "well at least I can get laid if I want to" This would be extremely hurtful and she'll just start making your life a misery as an objective.

Good luck

Victor

Nightwish wrote:

as no parent would or should ever go through the underwear drawer of their grown up children.

Are you sure they wouldn't?

Nightwish

Victor wrote:

Are you sure they wouldn't?

its kinda sick, do you not think?

Canis Lupus

I don't see the problem. Who cares what your parents find, if they go mad, so what. Just carry on the way you normally do. Altho I'm laid back so maybe your not like me.

Do what B and others suggested, if your mom continues to search your room and this is something that bothers you, talk to her and ask her to stop if she doesn't you live with it, move out or learn to hide stuff well.

*Page*

by the way parents do go through your knicker drawer is the obvious place to stash stuff!!

DublinWriter

nosey mother wrote:

I woke up this morning to find my mother in my room which can only be described as "routing"

She found a durex packet (wasn't the wrapper - It was a kind of cardboard thing that went around it. - I got it free at the start of college) and hit the roof.

It's simple really, just say you'll probably have to do the same to her one day when you ship her off to that dodgy nursing home, just to check that the nurses aren't stealing her stuff.

Honestly, this country, would she prefare that you got preggers?

But her roof, her rules I'm afraid.

Ba_barbaraAnne

As a parent I'm shocked that a mother would feel that it was ok to rout through an adult child's possessions. I wouldn't do that in my 14 year old's room unless he gave me permission to look for something.

It seems that there is a lack of communication here. If your mother wants to know what you are up to - why doesn't she just ask? I hope that when my boys are older they will still tell me everything they think I ought to know and have the kind of open converstaions we already have. Details are private, but honesty and trust are far better than secrets and prying.

Red Alert

My mum's often in and out of my room - usually to complain about the state of the place. My bedside locker is sacrosanct and she knows that too so we haven't had a problem about that.

Your mum can have her rules about things like you can't bring people back or you can't have drugs in the house which I wouldn't see as unreasonable. Condoms are a health and safety issue as well as a privacy one so it's none of her business unless she wants to borrow one.