relationships

Sangre

No.

The question a person asks isn't always going to give the answer to the problem.
This is why people seek elaboration and give different answers, get it?

Boston

Sangre wrote:

No.

The question a person asks isn't always going to give the answer to the problem.
This is why people seek elaboration and give different answers, get it?

She didn't ask for elaboration, she passed judgement without any facts to back her up.

Mewzel

there is a 25 year age gap between my parents and they've been going for 30 years now so yes, it can work
but i would advise you to think very carefully about this. there can be many complications further down the line.

Sangre

LadyJ wrote:

Good point with the father thing. MAYBE you're just craving the attention of an older man. It happens,even though you may not realise it.Be sure he's not taking advantage of this.
But christ,if it's a fling,go for it! He's 54,he must be good in bed by now!

Yeah that maybe part is a real hard hitting, unforgiving judegement.

Calina

FAO OP - jenny dublin - have you talked to people who know you well about this? I have to say my experience is not based on being in a relationship with someone who is 30 years older than me, but on watching someone your age go into a relationship with someone significantly (less than 30 though) older than her.

I'm of the opinion that if this is something you really want to do, you probably will do it regardless of what anyone tells you. I'd have reservations about it myself - I'd have reservations about anyone 30 years older than me wanting a relationship with me and I'm a bit older than you are. What I do know is that if I were looking for advice in this area of my life - relationships, I mean - I'd want it from the people around me. People I know, people who know me well. Not strangers who don't know me, don't know my life, or my lifestyle. That's not to knock people who come on internet fora here - most of them seem to be very reasonable. A lot of people are questioning your reason for wanting to go into this relationship if I read the thread correctly - I'd be more interested in why you are looking for advice or possibly validation here.

Ultimately, it's your own decision, it's like anything, going into it, you need to have your eyes open - know that that there are likely to be generational differences, in the area of taste in music, things you like doing. You're still learning to live - to some extent we all are, but we learn different lessons at different stages.

By way of an aside, one of my friends once told me she was going out with a heroin addict. She was expecting all her friends to tell her she was out of her mind - and none of us did. You see, people have to make their own decisions, have to understand why they do things. If all her friends had told her "look you're mad, dump him immediately", she probably would have, and then been very lonely for a whie and then resented all the people who told her to dump this guy who had, apparently, some very positive points, but one huge negative point. She dumped him of her own accord a couple of months later. I guess what I'm trying to say is that ultimately, regardless of which way you decide to go, make sure it is your decision, and also, understand that those who are close to you who might have serious reservations, have those reservations because they care about you.

Victor

Sangre banned, the rest of you chill out.

Dreamcatcher

Hi Jenny,

I think that Calina has made some very good points there in that last post.

Myself, I have no problem per se with big age gaps in relationships. There are 13 years between my parents.
I myself was in a relationship for a few years with a man who was twice my age when I met him in my early twenties. If anything, he had more of an issue with the age gap than I did. At the time, settling down/marriage and all that was the furthest thing from my mind. And he was not into any of that either. So we just enjoyed our time together.
I say this, because like Calina said, it is important to go into this "with your eyes open". If you are to do this, you need to separate the "allure" or the "infatuation" from the hard questions that I think you should ask yourself(and bring them up with him, in a subtle way or directly, as you see fit in the early stages). I know this is easier said than done, and may sound a bit clinical or "unromantic", but that's what I would advise you to do, to ask yourself these questions, and others that are relevant to your own life.
Do you know what his intentions are? Do you know or get the impression that he is interested in a long-term thing/marriage? Children - does he have any? If so, they are probably older than you. Will he introduce you to his family? Will you introduce him to yours?
And would he want to have children with you? Might you want to have children with him at some stage..?
Will the relationship begin "gradually", as in dating the guy for a while, for at least a year say, or has he suggested that you move in with him soon for example?

Being so much older than you, he obviously has a lot more experience with relationships and with life, and (sorry to say this, might be way off the mark) but he would have more knowledge of what strings to pull, games to play etc, if he turned out to be that sort of person.
By the same token, you are a fresh young 20 year old and it's also possible that you could be (unconsciously, maybe)"using" this - the classic case of a young woman trading youth/good looks for the security/wealth/lifestyle that a man of that age could offer you. Obviously I'm just speculating with what I've just said, and I'm approaching it from a cynical point of view, but I'm just giving you some points to ponder about. Only you can judge if they might be relevant to your own situation.

I do think that you should not rush into anything. I DID rush into my own relationship that I mentioned, and although I won't go so far as to say that I regret the relationship, it turned out that I made some big sacrifices in my own self-development - I didn't realise it at the time, of course. When you're in your early 20's - and I think, until your mid or late twenties - you are still very much growing and maturing; a person may have matured physically, but for most people you are still "growing up" and learning about yourself and the world at that stage of your life. Please do take that point on board. Looking back, I probably should have taken things more slowly, gradually gotten to know him better, realised that I was very young, that I had some self-esteem issues and that I was getting too deeply involved with him too quickly.
A relationship is easy to get into, but if gets serious, it can be difficult to get out of sometimes...

You say that what you have with him is "a unique situation". I don't mean to undermine that thought/feeling that you have, but most relationships in their early stages are based on this sense of "uniqueness", that feeling of "he is the one", "she is the one", we have a "special" bond.

As I said, I see no problem with big age gaps in relationships, per se. BUT, and it's a big but - and you were asking for advice - I must say that I do think that a 20yo and a 54yo is WAAAY too big of an age gap, for it to work out in the long term. Relationships can be difficult enough to negotiate/get through between people of a similar age group or less of an age gap, when things get serious...
But if you are both going into it more as "an affair" than a thing that is "going to work", then maybe go for it, but again you have to tread carefully. Be clear with each other from the outset what each others intentions are. Communicate. Be honest with him and make sure that he is being honest with you. That way, there is less hurt and disappointment when the relationship comes to an end - which it most likely will by the way.

You did not go into much detail in your thread Jenny. But you can feel free to PM me in confidence and I'd be more than willing to offer you any advice about any doubts/questions that you may have.

DC
x

coolhandluke

To the OP,could you please tell me what in god's name ye have in common ?Do you hang around with people your own age ?

LadyJ

Tbh,I aint judging anyone,I merely made reference to a problem some girls have and if the OP has a problem with my opinion and advice then I'm sure she'd have said so.
OP,I was not trying to be condescending or anything of the sort,I was just offering an insight. And tbh,I think any therapist or just anyone who can see past exact words and phrases would have asked the same questions as I have.
I've made no assumptions,just tried to help!

DublinWriter

jenny dublin wrote:

im 20 hes 54

To be honest, I know lots of people in successful relationships with age gaps up to 20 years. Usually the guy is older.

However, your case is stretching it a bit. 34 years is one hell of a gap.

You're 20 now, and to be honest, you're not going to be the same person you are in 5, or 10 years time.

While trying not to sound cold about it, I'd advise you that there is no long term future in this. Would you really want to be married to a 65 year old when you turn 30? Even if you had kids now, they'd be in their teens and their dad would be in his 70's.

I'd also be wary about his relationship history, and probably more wary if he didn't have one.

To be honest, the whole thing sounds a little unhealthy to me.

Dub_Ster

i just like to say that if ya think its rite go for it , but your 20 years old ok next year your going be 21 , my point is this youle waste your youth bye going out with this person tho it may be fun , and have a good time which is all well and good but in the long run your
going to be haneging around with 50 yearolds who talk about politics and stuff..

were im shore youde prefer the hole going out getting hamered with people your own
age which would be much more fun ....in my opion mind you i wouldnt say no to a milf ...

but serously its kinda mad if ya ask me ....and a bit insane , but shore being in love is insane .......

think about it booth from your head and your heart and see were you land ...

WhiteWashMan

id have to wonder what it is between these two people that would make them think about being together, just as any two people of any age.

its not an appaling thing, by any stretch of the imagination, but it really wouldnt be my cup of tea tbh.

while it said that love does not have any boundries held over it by age, what is this love based on?
for me, its usually two things, money, or some kind of electra complex.

although, im not saying that either are valid here.

MaddyDv

I do believe age is just a numberb but 34 years is a very big number! I was with a fella for 4 and a half years and he was 10 years older than me. After a while it does make a difference. Dont forget the times you've seen older men in clubs and thought "pervert". I cant imagine bringing a man the same age as my dad to a club or to meet my parents...Nightmare!

annR

I went out with a guy twice my age when I was 20 . . .all I can say is that it suited both of us at the time. I know that nothing anyone said to me would have made any difference because if you want to do something you'll just do it and learn your own mistakes.

Just try to make sure you are in the driving seat and know what you are doing. It's pretty mortifying looking back on it now, but at least I can look back and say I was well treated, no harm was done, and it was over when it was meant to be over. Make sure it's the same for you.

34 years is a huge gap, I think it's a lot different for a 20 yr old to go out with someone who's 40 and someone who's 54 . . .

A

TheBurningMan

is he married? does he have kids? what's his financial situation? what's yours? how long have you know him? what's the attraction? What's your plan with this?

Riamfada

fact that your only 20. Ie very very young Compared to a 54 year old man who is approaching retirement age. It seems very very odd to me. very odd. and scary but im sure you know what your doin!