What exactly is wrong with me?

LegacyUser

I've posted bits and bobs on here before but I'm gonna tell everything to see if it all fits together for someone. So please excuse the long post.

First of all, I've always been a shy person. Never really spoke to anyone unless they started speaking to me. I was also bullied at school so that seriously affected my self-esteem. It only stopped when I did the leaving cert and left. Even now I'm still very conscious of what others think of me. I've only a handful of friends, my best friend lives 180 miles away, we used to be school friends and kept in contact when my family moved away. I live in a very remote area and get bored a huge amount. I never meet people so that makes things a lot worse. I've never learned to stand up for myself, never say no and get walked all over.
Also, I've had no real contact with girls over the years, never had a real girlfriend but have had several crushes. I always went to all-boys schools (not my own choice). Over the last two years I've been in contact with a girl through the net, she lives about 60 miles from me. We've met up twice and didn't really get on either time. I scared her by being so quiet and a little clumsy and silly (lacking common sense). However she still texts and e-mails me, much to my surprise. When I was with her in person I could barely speak to her and sometimes felt physically sick in my stomach. One time we were hungry but I couldn't eat, I would have threw up if I did. I seem to create some mental barrier that prevents me from letting my guard down and trusting someone. When I'm alone I'm fine, just very lonely. I certainly have a bit more sense than when I'm with a girl.
I'm 20 now, will be 21 in a few months, yet inside I still feel like a child. I'm about 5'8" but I still expect to have to look up at a person when I meet them. My handwriting is pathetic too, looks like a 5 year old's. Some of my thoughts are also very childish, I'm too embarrassed to say what they are. The years seem to be passing quicker than I can adapt to them. In my opinion my mind is still trapped around 1995, if that makes any sense to you.
One thing about me that many find hard to tolerate is that my years of solitary confinement and boredom have resulted in me daydreaming a serious amount. This can make me look ignorant when really its uncontrollable at this stage. I have these images in my head of a dream world that I just drift into on a regular basis. My net friend I mentioned above is always asking me what I'm thinking, since she knows I'm always thinking of something. I over-analyse situations and get very worried or scared very easily.

I talked to my GP about this in February 2004, he said it was possibly depression and prescribed me anti-depressants. But I never got them since they cost me €40 a pop and everyone was telling me "you're not depressed." A member on here gave me a bit of a flaming for thinking I was depressed, so I don't think I am.

Ok, I've said just about everything I can. Could anyone please advise me on what's wrong with me. I know that some of this may be completely unrelated but I just wanted to mention as much as possible. I also seriously needed to let everything out.

NikNik

I seriously feel for you. I was similar to you years back. I was bullied by a family member throughout my childhood and it took its toll. I was an unbelieveably shy and nervous person. My mother took me to the doctors thinking I was deaf because when she called my name I was too shy to answer. Due to nervousness I had severe excema and my hair would fall out in chunks. I would hide under the table and lock myself in my room for hours.

Luckily I got over it on my own. Im still a bit shy and self concious so I can understand how you feel. What worked for me was keeping myself busy - especially with the things I was passionate about. For example I joined a gym to feel better about myself and met people through that. In a way I forced myself to socialise to better my people skills and help me fit in with the outside world. All I can say is keep trying - different methods work for different people and its an every day struggle.

My advice is to get out there. Join a club, sign up for a class. Try not to have too much time on your own so you don't get ideas in your head. Youre probably not as immature as you think - it doesn't sound like it. Think about the positives, not the negatives. You can see that this girl has obviously taken an interest so things may not be as bad as they seem.

Hope this helps
G'luck

RoadSweeper

I think your opinion of youself is alot worse than it is. You have too much time alone on your hands to think up aranoid thoughts. Find something your good at, join a club and expand yourself. This way you'll make friends naturally!

LegacyUser

You have too much time alone on your hands to think up aranoid thoughts.

This is definitely it in a nutshell!

Infini

I can understand your feelings oh too well mate. I'd recommend what NikNik said as it would get you out into a group and you'd be able to meet new people. Also try not to worry about things and try to think positively as well.

Good Luck to ya.

WhiteWashMan

for someone who socialises, you seem to think you know people pretty well.


which you dont, by the way.

LegacyUser

WhiteWashMan wrote:

for someone who socialises, you seem to think you know people pretty well.


which you dont, by the way.

Who is that for?

Seraphina

similar situation to yourself, although im not living as remotely, i tend to isolate myself from other people, and i often freeze up in unfamiliar social situations.

i've been seeing a counsellor recently, and she's helped me an awful lot (its not just the social thing but a bunch of other people too)

perhaps something like that might be an idea? talking to others who are more familiar with these situations would probably help, my counsellor has been giving me small social goals to overcome my fears gradually.
the whole 'joining a club' or 'getting out more' stuff is really easier said than done with such strong paranoia, you need to start with the little things.
you definitely dont need drugs, just a bit of a hand. if you're on a budget they're generally pretty accomodating too, or they're could be free ones in your area.
just something you should probably check out.

Altheus

Yeah, like they all say. Get some air, meet some people, socialise (outside of an alcohol sphere). There's been a few threads about how to do that on here before.

I'd recommend walking, it always helped me, because I had to keep on walking, so physically I couldnt just curl up in a ball, eventually your own thoughts sorta dissapear and you pick up on what's around you. Even 5 minutes escape from your own head in an hour is a lot. (Plus the exercise is good for you!)

LegacyUser

I'm 20, I don't feel my age, does anyone really? It seems like only yesterday I got a turtles techno drome for my 9th birthday. I regulary go to lectures and end up daydreaming for the whole thing, and my a4 pad will be covered in immature drawings by the end of it. You think your hand writing is bad, wait until you see mine, its woeful but I wouldn't consider it a major flaw. Stop trying to find faults with yourself.

I don't feel for you, you don't want people to have pity on you. It will only contribute to your lower self esteem. Respect yourself and there is nothing you can't do.

From your post I gathered that whenever you go outside, walk down the street, go into a shop, club etc. You become really self conscious that all eyes are on you and your every movement? Be honest. Thats not the case, how many people do you walk by in the street, sit beside on the bus and its just another face, you don't pass a second thought about them. The answer is practically everyone. No one you pass in the street can sense all the stuff going on in your head, you're just another face.


I recommend joing a gym, excercise will make you feel great and you'll have a certain amount of privacy, whereas if you sign up for a team sport you'll be thrown deep in and you'll have to mix with everyone almost instantly. Something I think you'll find hard to do.


Another thing, when having conversation talk about stuff that interests you rather than stuff you think will interest the person you're talking to. This way people will get to know rather than thinking they know you.

Say hello to 3 strangers each day as you walk on by. Go on try it. Be friendly, don't think you're better than someone or below someone just because they're popular, rich, better looking whatever.

Best of luck.

Dimitri

cant say ive experienced anything quite as extreme as you but i do know what its like to daydream to the point where its(almost) uncontrollable however wrirting what your thinking is very helpful, its serves both as a release, but when you read what you write often( i find anyway) you see most of it is paranoid fantasy and usually laughable

Zillah

What happened in 1995?

DublinWriter

unreg84 wrote:

I also seriously needed to let everything out.

I don't want to play amateur-shrink with you, but do you have some parental/family issues from the past that you feel maybe the root cause of most of your problems?

It's quite easy for people to say "yeah, go join a club" but that in itself can be a harrowing experience for someone to go to the first meeting on their own.

I think one thing is sure, you definately need more contact with other people.

jcoote

your chilhood never allowed u to develop the interpersonal skill u need to be able to feel comfortable about meeting people or engaging a stranger in conversation.. the worst thing u can do is stay alone try and talk to someone about this preferably a professional because its not depression u have for sure its just a lack of intimate relationships and the ability to express yourself confidently to other people u come across

LegacyUser

@DublinWriter: Since I'm unreg I can say this, but I'd never admit it under my real name. Maybe this has no connection but since you brushed the subject I'll add it in.
My dad was quite violent towards me (and my other siblings) as a child. It only stopped when I was 13. Fair enough that it only happened when I did something wrong, but the experiences still flash back on me from time to time.
I used to (and still do to a point) get picked on by one of my brothers - again that didn't help at all.

@Zillah: I still listen to a lot of the music from that time, and sometimes I just feel like a 10/11 year old. I always think back to the way things were then and feel that they were much better than now. I lived in Dublin and had my best friend to keep me company. Now I live a lot further away, on the west coast, and I feel like I should have never left.

@Dimitri: Gulp, if it will help. This will seriously embarrass me, but at least its the net.
I can put a year on when this started - 1992. It takes form of a TV show that I put together in my head. One of the main characters represents me - what I'd like myself to be. The other characters are just people I know or like. I'm able to act out scenes involving different situations, sometimes these can be pretty rough, especially when I'm feeling low or in a bad mood. Its a method of escape for me, but I never told anyone about this except my best friend, he was the only one I could trust to keep it to himself.


I certainly have too much time on my hands, so I start thinking or worrying. But If I joined a club I'd probably still be very flaky to start with. I'm terrible in any social position. If I get a few drinks on me I break out of my shell and I feel like a completely different person, but once the alcohol goes I crawl back in again. I certainly don't make a habit of drinking, its usually only when I go out with my oldest brother since he's always having the stuff.

I've been considering counselling to combat this. But I'm not sure what I need just yet. Thanks for all the replies.

D

Don't worry about being flaky when you join a club. Most people are when they first start something. But you do need to get out and socialise.

johnnyc

i was in exactly the same situation as yourself clumsy,shy and getting bullied what i did was join a gym become stronger and fit, also you will become more assertive & confident. You would probably meet more people there that have been in the same situation as yourself.

meditraitor

unreg84 wrote:

I talked to my GP about this in February 2004, he said it was possibly depression and prescribed me anti-depressants. But I never got them since they cost me €40 a pop and everyone was telling me "you're not depressed." A member on here gave me a bit of a flaming for thinking I was depressed, so I don't think I am.

Ok, I've said just about everything I can. Could anyone please advise me on what's wrong with me. I know that some of this may be completely unrelated but I just wanted to mention as much as possible. I also seriously needed to let everything out.

Listen to your doctor dude, some of the ADVICE given here is ok but mainly just a bunch of nonsense from gob****s who are afraid to look into themselves so they spend their time commenting on others,,

Evil Phil

I suspect I know who flamed you about not being depressed. You may be depressed, you and your doctor know better than us, take mental health advice on these boards with a pinch of salt.

Are you in college? Are you employed/unemployed? What's the situaton with moving into a more urban environment like Dublin or Galway?

The_Conductor

Instead of joining any club at random- I have a suggestion for you. A lot of your difficulty stems from problems with interacting socially with people of your own age group. You'd be surprised at how many people are in similar positions.....
I'd suggest possibly looking into joining the likes of a society where games and role playing (even something similar to Dungeons and Dragons) occur. Often its easier to play a role than to socialise as yourself. As you feel more comfortable in role playing- its easier to introduce aspects of yourself- until such time as its not so difficult to stand on your own two feet, without being scared to death over things.

eyebrows

Altheus wrote:

Yeah, like they all say. Get some air, meet some people, socialise (outside of an alcohol sphere).

why "outside of an alcohol sphere". alcohol is great (maybe I should just put a fullstop here ) for meeting new people, especially if you're really shy

LegacyUser

I know someone with the same thoughts and confidence issues you
are going through. He joined a drama society and was able to become a
different person for the few hours they rehearsed and performed. In the end he got to know so many nice people and his confidence and social skills improved no end. Today he is a totally different person. Thought this might help?

DublinWriter

unreg84 wrote:

This will seriously embarrass me, but at least its the net.
I can put a year on when this started - 1992. It takes form of a TV show that I put together in my head. One of the main characters represents me - what I'd like myself to be. The other characters are just people I know or like. I'm able to act out scenes involving different situations, sometimes these can be pretty rough, especially when I'm feeling low or in a bad mood. Its a method of escape for me, but I never told anyone about this except my best friend, he was the only one I could trust to keep it to himself.

What the feck is so embarrassing about that?!? Sounds like you have a creative streak, you should see some of the crap that goes on in my head! Everyone does that.

ssh

unreg84 wrote:

I talked to my GP about this in February 2004, he said it was possibly depression and prescribed me anti-depressants. But I never got them since they cost me €40 a pop and everyone was telling me "you're not depressed." A member on here gave me a bit of a flaming for thinking I was depressed, so I don't think I am.

This drives me up the wall... your Doctor "thought" you might be depressed so prescribes you drugs which may or may not react properly with you. If you actually had bought them, almost any anti-depressant will usually recmmend that you take them only with proper monitoring and counselling. At best, you'll end up wasting 40 quid a month; at worst, well... I nearly lost a friend to a doctor prescribing inappropriate anti-depressants, no doubt while taking a solid backhander from [certain pharmaceutical companies]. They say "read the label", you'd really hope your doctor could do the same.

It does sound like you have issues that need to be worked out. You might be depressed, you might not... I don't think anyone on boards is going to be able to determine this by reading your posts on a PI forum. If you can afford it, you should go and talk to a trained counsellor for a few sessions. Only then, if you find that talking to one hasn't at least put you in a place where you can begin to work out and rationalise your problems should you consider going to a psychiatrist and getting prescription for appropriate medication.

[edit... shouldn't name names, really, should I?]

Jonny Arson

Original poster:

I can somewhat relate to how you are feeling regarding your self-condfidence. I was very shy about 5 years or so ago, I isolated myself alot of people and I had absolutely zero confidence in myself. I'm 19 now, I have grown up alot, I'm alot more outgoing and not as shy as I used to be but I still have alot of doubts about myself. I constantly question myself like saying to myself ''does anyone like me?'', ''is everyone better than me?'', ''does anyone care about me'' etc. I'm confident in myself as a person but I still have so many doubts about myself and I constantly worry about the future. I have noticed I worry alot when I have spare time on my hands. I find not being active makes me feel very down. If you feel like this when you are at home or something go for a walk to take your mind off things.

I crave to be around people and to talk to people but sometimes when I'm around large groups of people I get very anxious. I think you need to get out there more. You need to meet people but first you have also got to change how you feel about yourself. If you feel confident about yourself it will show to people. I believe that you need to talk someone like a counsellor who will help you build yourself up. Maybe when you feel alot better about yourself you should then push yourself out to the outside world. The fact that girl you know tries to keep in contact with you shows that you are anything but a loser. I can honestly say that things are nowhere near as bad as you think they are. It is your inner self that is making you feel like your worthless. There is nothing wrong with you as a person I can assure you and you would be shocked by the amount of people who feel the same way as you do. We all have our strenghts and weaknesses, some people are shyer than others but if everyone was crazily outgoing the world would be one headwrecking place. Your goal is that you need to believe in yourself. Go and talk to counsellors who can build your condfidence up.

I really wish you best of luck and whatever you do keep the chin up and you will feel alot better about yourself!

Alana

Listen to your GP. Not friends, etc, do they av medical training?!? If you doubt your GP get a second opinion.

As for your handwritting-my Dad's like nearly 50 and it looks like the kid i babysat scrawled it...teachers always thought i faked notes-meh you write the way u write..

Talk to someone who will listen and possibly give you options-prefrably someone who is trained.

Keep in touch with that girl-dont over crowd her though.

As for being nervous around her...you just av to acquire ppl skills, I think that joing a drama group would be an excellent idea- it may be a bit daunting at first-but c'mon your 20, you're the one who's gonna av to look after you from now on.

Don't sit around on your own-do stuff. Get a job even-a sociable one, try working in a shop or a restaurant-not ideal wage wise but sociable...might help you come to terms with ppl problems..

DublinWriter

Alana wrote:

Listen to your GP. Not friends, etc, do they av medical training?!? If you doubt your GP get a second opinion.

FFS the most a GP will do is prescribe pills! The poster's experience proves this. When it comes to personal issues, they work on the "When in doubt, it's mild depression, whack them on 30Mg of Prozac/Seroxat or whatever the SSRI of the week happens to be" rule.

GPs, Dentists and Psychologists are amoung some of the screwed-up people I know!

LegacyUser

@Evil Phil: I'm working at the moment. I'm originally from Dublin and considered moving back for a very long time. I just get the usual "too dangerous for you" stuff from my parents. I'll need to get another job up there too, but I'm not too happy with my current job anyway (different topic, different board).

@DublinWriter: I'm inclined to believe you there. I was prescribed Lexapro but I questioned whether I really needed them, plus the price totally put me off. I'd get a second opinion before putting that prescription to use.

@eyebrows: The last time I met up with my friend I mentioned here, she jokingly suggested getting me drunk to keep me chatty, lol. It does work but I need something more permanent.

How much would counselling set me back if I were to try a few sessions? I'm saving up to move out of my parents' house so I have a bit of a stash. I just feel that I mightn't be able to do this on my own.

Uthur

I highly recommend councelling or psychotherapy - a good councellor would
really help you more than anything else.

You may or may not have a mild case of depression - but I'd let an expert decide on that one. I'd also skip the drugs unless nothing else works.

Dreamcatcher

unreg84 wrote:

I'm working at the moment. I'm originally from Dublin and considered moving back for a very long time. I just get the usual "too dangerous for you" stuff from my parents.

Well, it sounds like you would be a lot happier moving back to Dublin(or an urban environment) for a start. Living in a city, you're more "anonymous" and can blend in with the crowd. If you're living in a rural area/small town, you're more likely to feel that you "stand out" (if you are feeling a bit paranoid to begin with). Also, it sounds like your parents may be being a bit overprotective towards you - this would be another reason to move into a place of your own, so that you can mature and become independent.

unreg84 wrote:

I'll need to get another job up there too, but I'm not too happy with my current job anyway (different topic, different board).

I would echo what Alana said about getting a social/customer facing sort of job. I would recommend doing it part-time only to begin with if you could afford this. Speaking from experience, this really helped me to "come out of my shell". I was around 22 at the time, and was in much the same viscious circle that you have described. At the time, I was going through a spell of unemployment, and then one day, I was in an impulsive mood and decided to answer a "staff wanted" ad in a fast food restaurant window. It was a relief at the time that there was no interview or loads of questions. I just filled out the form, and it was "when can you start". The key to this for me, was that the atmosphere was just so busy that I didn't have "time" to think/worry about whether people liked me etc. or not!! In the end, I realised that customers and staff DID come to like me, because I was good at the job - the customer could trust me to make a nice sandwich - my colleague could trust that I'd take an order for them - the supervisor could trust that I would clear tables in my spare time.
I only did this job for approx 6 months, but somehow, it helped me to interact with people better; customers came and went - you might never see them again, but if they came back to you, it was a complement.
Feel free to keep in touch with how you get on, OP - you are not alone - a lot of people feel just as lost, but they don't wear it on their sleeve - some even just put on an act instead - At least you're being honest with yourself, and want to realise a truer version of the person that you are/want to be.

Dreamcatcher

Oh, and do NOT trust the GP - far too many people do - it's like the local GP is like the local priest or somthing - ignore these people.
I've had a similar experience more than once with a lazy GP, who just reached for the prescription pad because he just couldn't be arsed to use his brain(saying I was "probably" depressed, when I wasn't)- plus I had to pay the consultation fee for the privelege(If I had been a couple of years older I would've had the cop on to walk out and not have paid him a penny,,).
If I had a euro for everytime, I, as a lay person, has outwitted a GP, with logical argument, I'd be a rich woman.

But by all means, DO do some research among family and friends to find yourself a good GP(this is difficult though, as the best are refusing to take on any new patients).
I myself am currently looking for a decent GP - I will pm you if I find someone who is good enough.

best of luck meantime,
dc