Jealousy.

LegacyUser

With my girlfriend at the moment. Been together for ages now, we're 20 and 21. I do love her a lot and I know she loves me too. The problem is that jealousy sometimes seems to ruin our relationship I do trust her but the problem is that she doesn't trust me completely (a series of bad relationships before ours caused this).

Anyway, because she gets so easily jealous, I've promised to stop talking to my ex-girlfriend. The problem there is that the ex's friends were my friends too. So for me to cut the ex out of my life, I've had to pretty much stop seeing my friends. This has been hard for me, I have other friends so it's not like I'm completely isolated at least. Like I said though, it's still very hard. I love my girlfriend and I'm willing to sacrifice so as to not hurt her.

The thing is, I don't feel like she's reciprocating. She usually goes out on a Saturday night to a club (it's always difficult for us to meet weekends since we're usually apart). She'll go to a club with her friends; some of whom she's kissed before (not while she was with me though). Anyway, this as been going on for awhile now. I've said nothing about it because I don't want to appear jealous or clingy. That changed last night. I was after a few drinks. I then drunkenly texted her and told her that I was a little jealous. I heard nothing more from her then that night. This morning though, I got a message from her friend telling me that she got absolutely drunk, had friends of her hitting on her as usual. The drinking session then apparently continued on all night and into the next morning when she invited her friends (including the guys who were hitting on her) back to her place. I feel that she nearly did this on purpose. Although I think that's just me being paranoid.

I have absolutely no reason to believe that she would ever two-time me but yet there's always that nagging feeling of jealousy. At times it gets so much that I just want to end our relationship. What can I do to try and control it!?

Nasty_Girl

your prob not being paranoid she sounds like a bit of an attention seeker.
I know a guy who was recently in your position and it didn't end well.
If it was me I'd dump tell her how I felt and if she refused to acknowledge how I was feeling I'd dump her, but I guess its not that easy huh?

Only Human

Invite your ex-girlfriend out to dinner with you and your girlfriend for the laugh. Then after, talk to your girlfriend and work some kind of trust pact out. You should be able to laugh together over these things.

Chinafoot

Jealous1 wrote:

Anyway, because she gets so easily jealous, I've promised to stop talking to my ex-girlfriend. The problem there is that the ex's friends were my friends too. So for me to cut the ex out of my life, I've had to pretty much stop seeing my friends. This has been hard for me, I have other friends so it's not like I'm completely isolated at least. Like I said though, it's still very hard. I love my girlfriend and I'm willing to sacrifice so as to not hurt her.

bad bad bad idea! you should never drop your mates for a girlfriend. a lot of girls do have issues with the ex girlfriend but she needs to realise that shes being unreasonable as theres no chance of anything happening with your ex.

sit her down and talk to her. you shouldnt have to sacrifice your friends just because shes jealous. relationships are a two way thing. sounds like shes expecting you to make all the sacrifices.

Duckjob

Jealous1 wrote:

I've promised to stop talking to my ex-girlfriend. The problem there is that the ex's friends were my friends too. So for me to cut the ex out of my life, I've had to pretty much stop seeing my friends.

Jealous1 wrote:

She usually goes out on a Saturday night to a club (it's always difficult for us to meet weekends since we're usually apart). She'll go to a club with her friends; some of whom she's kissed before (not while she was with me though).

What's wrong with this picture?

Unless you establish some level of equality into this relationship, it's f*cked.

[InsertHandle]

not such a good idea to cut your friends out of your life for someone like that. Don't get me wrong i'm sure you love the girl to bits and would do anything for her. Why not talk to her about it. You have made a sacrifice for the relationship that she is unwilling to make.

Beruthiel

Jealous1 wrote:

I've had to pretty much stop seeing my friends

never, ever do this for anyone!
the day will/may come when you two break up, where will you be then?

seamus

Double standards, mate, double standards. A lot of women will try and impose them (though not necessarily conciously), especially when jealousy comes into it.

Her jealousy is her problem, not yours, you don't have to be the one to "fix" it.
My gf would describe herself as a very jealous person, but she's had to learn to cope more-or-less with it. I can spot when she's getting particularly jealous, and obviously I'm not going to make her uncomfortable, but she knows that if she made any "demands" of me because of her jealousy, she'd be told where to go. She'll do the cutesy "Tell that bitch to keep her hands off my man" thing, but she'd never tell me to stay away from someone because she doesn't trust them.

Sleepy

Kick her to the kerb.

KlodaX

I don't think she has done anything wrong. This seems to be one side of a paranoid relationship. You must suit and love each other. Kick her to the kerb for something you have created in your head? are you mad?

Did you ever kiss your ex while you are with your current girlfriend? ever?

D

I would not have given up your friends. Tell her that nothing is going on and that you really are just friends. You need to sit down and talk to her. In the end she has the problem and has to come to terms with it.

case_sensitive

Oh no...

I dated an amazing girl about a year or two ago, who I was head over heels in love with, but her jealousy quickly became a huge problem. It started out as kind of a cute thing, she'd nag me about a girl looking at me in a pub, ask about exs. She was cheated on by a guy who shares my first name (bum luck!), and I thought it would just take some time for her to trust again. But it rapidly descended into 50 texts a day, calls every hour wondering where I was, who I was talking to, and if any of them were cute. I had to cut off friendships with just about every girl I knew (I hadn't kissed any of them!) I'm not kidding, it went on like this for 6 months before I eventually had to break up with her, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but was the right choice.

That was over a year ago, I'm still trying to get back the friends I lost.

I'm afraid you're going to have to stick it to her, let her know how serious you are; if you're prepared to lose it all she'll know you're serious.

It does sound like she's a bit of an attention-seeker, that in itself is almost as worrying. I'm thinking Daddy-issues immediately... Sorry if I seem inconsiderate, but I've been this way before :-(
Best of luck mate.

Zulu

Unreasonable; childish; selfish; I would dump her ass so quickly...

YrdnasiM

If you agree to her unfair rules, she will probably in the near future dump you or keep you around soley as a provider though.

Sleepy

KlodaX wrote:

I don't think she has done anything wrong. This seems to be one side of a paranoid relationship. You must suit and love each other. Kick her to the kerb for something you have created in your head? are you mad?

Did you ever kiss your ex while you are with your current girlfriend? ever?

For something he's imagined? She's asked him to drop his friends for her. That's too much for any prospective partner to ask, particularly when she's still going out getting smashed with her ex's.

case_sensitive

Sleepy wrote:

That's too much for any prospective partner to ask, particularly when she's still going out getting smashed with her ex's.

Couldn't put it better myself.
Point out the hypocrisy of her actions (doesn't work, tried it :-( then hit her with an ultimatum you can back up. Don't agree to be friends, that'll get messy too. If you can persuade her to leave the country, that'd be a nice clean break

pickarooney

Tell her straight out that her jealousy is not cute but a major turn-off. Tell her you're going out with your mates and invite her alond (no need to start a mexican stand-off over it by going tit-for-tat and going drinking all night alone with your mates).

KlodaX

Sleepy wrote:

For something he's imagined? She's asked him to drop his friends for her. That's too much for any prospective partner to ask, particularly when she's still going out getting smashed with her ex's.

she wasn't getting smashed with her ex's
"She'll go to a club with her friends; some of whom she's kissed before (not while she was with me though)." big deal she kissed them ... probably well before she met her boyfriend.

he has been hanging out with his ex. I'm sure he got a lot closer to his ex than she has with her drinking buddies. He shouldn't have to stop seeing his mates though ... I agree ... maybe introducing her to his ex would show her that his ex no longer has an interest in him that they really are just friends now. If the ex doesn't want to meet her or shows friction towards her then her jealousy is justified, if she isn't she might just befriend her too and then they can all get along!

MojoMaker

KlodaX wrote:

If the ex doesn't want to meet her or shows friction towards her then her jealousy is justified.

How exactly do you make this leap? :eek:

arbeitsscheuer

I agree with MojoMaker - You're using false logic KlodaX, and you also base a lot on assumptions, not on what the OP told us. Sure, he's only given us one side of the story, and there'll always be bias in a one-sided argument - But we have to base our advice and opinions on what we r told, not on nebulous assumptions like

KlodaX wrote:

I'm sure he got a lot closer to his ex than she has with her drinking buddies.

Seriously, wtf KlodaX?! Where in the OP's posts have we any reason whatsoever to justify your assumption?

Anyway, IMO you should dump her Jealous1. There should never EVER be a situation where you have to stop seeing your mates just cos your bird is jealous, especially since you even said urself that she has not made the same sacrifice with her friends.

She can't be worth it mate.

D

Seriously calm down people.

Beruthiel

D
please leave the moderating to the moderators
and read the charter
B

WhiteWashMan

why not just ask her straight out about the night at the club.
ask her about the situation where she can go out with her ex snogs
ask her what the problem is with you seeing your ex partners.

if you cant sit down after all this time and have a heart to heart aout a problem that could have serious concequences on your relationship, then you dont have a strong relationship in the first place, and you are only delaying the inevitable.

if you have a realtionship, you cant spend your time worrying about your partner and infidelity. it will drive you mad, and it will drive your partner away, and she may see it as completely unreasonable if you dont explain your side of the situation.

she may not even realise that she has a problem with your ex, but that you would have a problem with her ex's. really. she just may not realise, and if you dont point out the bloody obvious sometimes, people wont see the wood, for the trees.

KlodaX

MojoMaker wrote:

How exactly do you make this leap? :eek:

why else would there be friction unless the ex was uncomfortable with her being with 'her' man. Which to be honest probably won't happen and ex is probably lovely considering he still hangs out with her so the girlfriend might relax a little and remove her demands of him not seeing the ex.

Seriously, wtf KlodaX?! Where in the OP's posts have we any reason whatsoever to justify your assumption?

he said she only kissed he friends, but you are right I made and assumption that he slept with his ex. I shouldn't assume things.

MojoMaker

Why else would there be friction? Welcome to the black and white world where friction = unresolved feelings of desire and temptation. There can be any number of reasons. In any case how does being uncomfortable with someone translate into justified jealousy??

Teenager?

Zombienosh

I had one who was always jealous and worrying etc etc then in the end it turned out she was ****in other people o well......

Megatron

WhiteWashMan wrote:

if you have a realtionship, you cant spend your time worrying about your partner and infidelity. it will drive you mad, and it will drive your partner away, and she may see it as completely unreasonable if you dont explain your side of the situation.

Thanks WWman, that is what is needed to be done.

All the peeps just saying Dump her, not the best idea.

Talk about it, if she refeuse to talk , talk to her anyways, explaine that it does seem to be do as i say not do as i do. If she says it's different , accept it, but put in you own spoke and say if i asked to not see my ex's and cust out some of my friends because of it, why should it be any different from you ?


if she still adament about you not seeing your ex but see's no problem with how she is carrying on, then put it in the plain english.

1 rule for all , if she still refuses, then the imortal lines come to mind.

"Welcome to dumpsville, population ... You."

KlodaX

does "unresolved feelings of desire and temptation" justify jealousy?

I would think it does. Am I missing something here?

WhiteWashMan

KlodaX wrote:

does "unresolved feelings of desire and temptation" justify jealousy?

I would think it does. Am I missing something here?

well, there is no 'justify' here. it either does or doesnt.


well, im not so sure. people who are not confident, or have self esteem issues are often jealous because they feel threatened by others. it may just be entirely in the OP's head, or there may be something there. only they know.

im not so sure wha tthis argument is about to be honest. can someone explain?

MojoMaker

Kloda, you seem to think that not wanting to meet up with someone immediately means they're guilty about something. As for 'unresolved feelings of desire and temptation', they were my words - used in jest, you'll note. You'll also note that since I used them, and not the OP, nowhere is it suggested these actually exist. :rolleyes: It's you that seems to think they do just because someone might be uncomfortable meeting someone else.

The presence of friction does not mean there is a dirty secret being kept. It can exist for a variety of reasons.

[InsertHandle]

AlcoholicA wrote:

I had one who was always jealous and worrying etc etc then in the end it turned out she was ****in other people o well......

Good point .... maybe the reason she fears something happening between u and ur ex is that something DID happen between her and her ex

I could be way off though after all "I have absolutely no reason to believe that she would ever two-time me"

KlodaX

The presence of friction does not mean there is a dirty secret being kept. It can exist for a variety of reasons.

may not be a dirty secret as such, just some unresolved feelings between the ex and the guy. As long as the ex is illusive and unknown to the girlfriend and the guy is still hanging out with this illusive creature, the girlfriend is going to be uncomfortable. Unless she is 100% secure with the relationship. I'm in no way saying the girlfriend has a right to be or the the jealousy is at all healthy nor did she have the right to forbid him to see his ex...

I'm not arguing. I just wanted to add a little perspective to the girlfriends side seen as everyone straight away was like 'dump her' 'kick her to the kirb' ... I don't think she has earned that.

snoopish

um did she actually ask you to cease contact with your ex?