How true is the advice 'Your not the only one..'

LegacyUser

Hi Namewitheld,

I’m 31 and had a very similar problem to yourself.

I had never held hands no alone kissed a girl.

Every year that went by I found myself getting more and more depressed with the situation. Every new years I would say this time next year I must have a girlfriend and of course nothing happened.

Things finally came to a head around two years ago and as a last resort I went for counselling. My main worry was that the counsellor would laugh at my problem (I assumed the problem was unique to me) but to my surprise she said it was unbelievably common. We started of with me talking about my life experiences, at some points I found myself on the verge of tears. This went on for maybe three sessions.

After that the counsellor gave little tasks to do. She got me to join a salsa dance class so that I would get accustomed to being physically close to women. I had to report on my experiences each week. She asked me to force myself to talk to women at every opportunity. For example at the checkout in the supermarket, next to me on the bus etc. At first it was small things like asking for the time and thing extending it to a little bit of small talk about the weather or how busy the shop was etc.

Next she got me to go to a few of those speed dating things. She said not to care how I got on, just go with the aim of getting comfortable talking to women.

She got me to go to a nightclub at least one night over the weekend and talk to at least one girl even if it was just asking for the time.

The final thing she got me to do was to join an online dating site. I went on loads of dates and met some very nice women.

The key to the whole thing was that each week I had to report back on what I did so it was impossible to procrastinate.

I am happy to say I now have a girlfriend, we are together 7 months and are very happy.

I hope my story helps.

LegacyUser

Once again thanks for the posts. They are begining to have an impact. Today I made an appointment with my GP, and I have resolved to talk to the cashier the next time I see her.
Some questions have arisen from recent posts.

Secret_squirrel
Your last post is confusing me. Again you say you can empathise with me and yet you mention workmates, housemates and the close circle of friends in the UK. This reminds me of the ‘I’m lonely even though surrounded by people’ type of personal problem I have read about countless times and which I cannot connect with. You say of yourself

I really cant be bothered to make the changes

to widen your social circle. My situation is not that I can’t be bothered, I CAN’T! That I have no social circle to widen should be proof enough of this. That you can have housemates and yet not go to the pub or have a night on the town (and all the possibilities that arise from this) totally bewilders me. I think you probably need to heed your own advice “Pull yourself together - you need to kick yourself up the arse” better still get one of your mates to do it
That said, thanks for the rest of the post.

BrianD3
I have read the intro to the book you mention and it would seem that it was written with me in mind. Although, like PI columns, I have my doubts about the worthiness of self help books. The fact this one is free gives it some credibility in my opinion and so I will give it ago. But why should I “make sure to get it and read every last word of it!”? I take you have, so let me know how it has helped you?

Hadsameproblem
Sincere thanks for your post. I am delighted that you have managed to get on with your life and it does give me some comfort in knowing that it can be done and that therapy can be a success. I have thought about it but have put it off not because she would laugh at me (keeping a straight face is probably the first thing they learn) but because it is as, you say, a last resort and I have yet to have that do or die moment. Without being specific maybe you could let me know what came to a head and how you went about taking the first steps.
One thing about your post stood out.

This went on for maybe three sessions. After that the counsellor gave little tasks to do. She got me to join a salsa dance class

At this early stage in the treatment, how in the name of all that’s holy did you manage to do this? Nothing short of hypnotism would get me to do this, I would sooner take Monster Fighters advice. I am thinking there was somebody with you, a friend maybe? The other steps I understand, although I would have serious trouble following them, I’d probably end up lying to her?

IRC: I take it this is more sophisticated than the AOL, MSN type chat rooms featuring a bunch of kids fffing and blinding at each other. I will look into. The funny thing is, from jobs which required a lot to telephone work, I know I am very relaxed talking to people on the other end of a telephone line, but once the phone is down I have nothing to say to the person right next to me. I realise this conflicts with my earlier comment on not being preoccupied by appearance. I’ll have to think about that.

secret_squirrel

ChRoMe wrote:

How will using irc remove his social phobia? Apologies I dont mean to be rude that would just seem to me to compound his situation

There is a risk of that alright - any electronic chat/board can be used as an excuse not to go out and meet people - However in this case it *might* be a useful first step. Infact there is always a chance of a physical meeting with a good bunch from IRC - its happened to me a coupla times. And once it got very physical

HadSameProblem - would you be able to pass the name of your counselor onto Namewithheld - Maybe with help from Beth, Gordon or another mod??

NameWithheld - I think you need to ask yourself one important question - did you want to know if there are other people in your situation to validate it and use it as an excuse not to change - OR - do you genuinely want to change?

A question no-one else has asked yet - are you happy the way you are? There's no shame in not following the common herd you know.

neuro-praxis

If you could find the courage to pm a few of the people who have replied in this thread (and feel free to pm me - but don't feel obliged), then I am sure those with whom you initiate contact would be glad to meet you at a boards beer (or whatever) and take care to try to get to know you.

Every friendship starts as an acquaintance.

Are there any others here who would be willing to try to get to know the original poster? (Over 18s would probably be best though - that's for all you well-intentioned 12 year olds. )

MojoMaker

Sometimes I find my friends *immensely* boring and often there's nothing I like better than having a few beers with complete strangers and just yarning on about nothing in particular. The offer's there for a few pints around Dublin city centre sometime man.

Just don't ask me to swap bad luck stories, 'cos I might really scare you...

LegacyUser

Hi Namewitheld,

Things came to a head in my situation out of pure desperation.
The older I was getting the more weddings and baby christenings I found myself attending. I really felt I was getting left behind in life. It became blatantly obvious I had a problem. I decided I didn't want to look back when I was 50 (and still possibly alone) and think god why didn't I do my very best to find somebody to share my life with. I knew I had nothing to loose really.

One day when I was feeling very low I just got the golden pages out of curiosity to see how many counsellors advertised there. I decided to ring one to enquire about the cost and she just told me to come in for a chat.

Trust me I was terrified going to salsa only a few weeks after starting but it is amazing how quickly talking to a professional can change your perception of yourself, other people and situations. I went to one of those 6 week salsa courses I just went along and the guy running it just put me at ease.

If you want to get the name of the councellor I used (who is based in Kilcock, co Kildare) I can find a way to get it to you. But I think any councellor could handle this sort of problem.

Regards.

Beruthiel

HadSameProblem wrote:

If you want to get the name of the councellor I used (who is based in Kilcock, co Kildare) I can find a way to get it to you

I can be PM'd in confidence, if the thread starter wishes this information
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BrianD3

Namewitheld wrote:

BrianD3
I have read the intro to the book you mention and it would seem that it was written with me in mind. Although, like PI columns, I have my doubts about the worthiness of self help books. The fact this one is free gives it some credibility in my opinion and so I will give it ago. But why should I “make sure to get it and read every last word of it!”? I take you have, so let me know how it has helped you?

The book isn't really a self help book, it's more of a study of the problem of involuntary celibacy. The books suggests that the only reliable therapy for this type of thing is practice dating using surrogates, a therapy that is not widely available in the US and certainly not here. You should read the book because while it may not help you much it will give you a much better understanding of your "condition".

BrianD3

Victor

For Namewithheld and anyone else contemplating talking to a counsellor / mediator / facilitator.

Your own GP is likely to have a list of people in your own locality (or within reach with transport). If there is any particular direction you want, then you can talk that over with the GP and the counsellor. You needn't stick with the first counsellor.

Oryx

I am not in your situation, but did find it hard to make friends, and still do. i thought everything I had to say was so dull and everyone was more interesting/happy/exciting than me. i felt foolish and judged and stupid. I was so shy it was like a physical pain. I remember going to a keep fit class alone and it took so much effort to go in I had lockjaw. For the whole time i went i spoke to people about twice, but it was a step. I joined a voluntary group and that was better because you were forced to talk and to socialise. It got easier the more i did it. It is much easier and 'safe' for you to sit at home and be comfortable, if lonely. Dont put doing something off till tomorrow cos tomorrow never comes. Bite the bullet and do something now. You are literate, you have opinions and can talk, if you have no confidence and cant do it alone, get the therapy recommended and start changing. You want it very badly but it isnt going to happen without taking the risk!

Pharcyde

The fact that you have come on here and have talked openly indicates you have no problem with social skills. Does the annonimity have an appeal?

Why not use this as a springboard and get involved in more discussions online; find a thread of interest and get posting. One of the key elements of any relationship, be it romantic or platonic(?) is shared interest. If you dont find a thread or forum you are interested in, create one. Get talking to people and bfore you know you will be part of a community who all have a shared interest.

What are your hobbies? how do you spend your spare time? Do you live in a small town or big city?

The fact that all these people are talking to you, and you talking to them mean that there is nothing stopping you except the past.

Don't get caught up in what you haven't done. Concentrate on what you are going to do.

LegacyUser

Once again a big thanks for the advice offered in your posts. I have managed to take some action because of this support, went to the GP yesterday who prescribed some anti-ds and put me in touch with a psychiatric service who listened to my problem, didn’t offer a word of advice, but have informed a counsellor who should be in touch to arrange an appointment. In the meantime I will be going back to them next week to assess the dosage of the drugs prescribed. Having started the process I am anxious to maintain the momentum, I don’t want my present good mood to slip away only for me to give up and revert to type. I know this is a possibility because I have on one occasion in the past been prescribed anti-ds which when they didn’t work as I would have liked I never returned to the GP after finishing the course. But I do think this time is the beginning of something and I that will carry on is due in large part to the fact that you guys have bothered to answer MY post in a sincere and sympathetic manner.

I would like to thank BrianD3 again, for putting me in touch with Dr Gilmartin’s book. As Brian says, this is not actually a self help book more an academic text book written for the layman (patronizingly so at times) seeking to explain the condition of the Love-Shy male. Personally I don’t like this term and it was a big turn off because it implies concentrating on the relationship with the opposite sex, but what I have read I can relate to many areas in my life: work, family, my childhood and teens. I find it scary really how its like reading about myself after all these years reading useless s**t in the Sunday papers. I had massive hopes for this book until I followed some of the links from www.love-shy.com and also compared BrianD3s’ posts with Hadsameproblems’. It would appear that Dr Gilmartin does not offer any real achievable practical advice (hence the book is out of print) and seems to have little faith in therapy being a success for those he terms Love-Shy (about 1.5% of American males at time of writing). So any thoughts of this being the book that turns my life around may be premature but I will continue reading if for no other reason than to understand what makes me tick. It did, however, confirm my assumption that there are no women out there in my predicament.

As to all those kind offers to go for beer, oh how I laughed when it was suggested that I go to a boards beer, I can see the scene: “So who are you?”, “Namewitheld”, “You’re that guy, I heard about you, you sad b*****d” followed by a lot of laughter and rolling about the floor. So no, I really don’t think so. Mojomaker, I would have been seriously tempted by a smaller group or one to one meeting, but probably wouldn’t have had the balls to go through with it. Either way it really doesn’t matter because I don’t live in the country at the moment. I left Dublin in the hope a bigger city would present more opportunity to meet people, but I knew I was kidding myself, as the size of the city doesn’t matter a bit. But it has helped in some ways, I do things now that I never did in Dublin, then again there are things I don’t do as much as I would like because of the cost and effort involved.
Beruthiel thanks for the offer but I have set up an email address, namewitheld.piforum@virgin.net, should anyone be interested.

i thought everything I had to say was so dull and everyone was more interesting/happy/exciting than me. i felt foolish and judged and stupid.

This is exactly how I feel now and have done for many years. This is why I have only ever once, that I can recall (since 16ish), asked another person (excluding family) to pass the time of day with me be it for lunch, a drink or even the cinema. I accept its is going to take a hell of a lot to overturn 14yrs of negativity about myself but here’s hoping.

Victor

I think we've reached a certain point in this thread, so I'm closing it. Feel free to open another.