How true is the advice 'Your not the only one..'

LegacyUser

It seems that every agony aunt or personal issue column you read will include the above phrase. I have been reading these columns for years now and although I do come across similar stories to myself there is always at least one significant difference between the person seeking the advice and my position. Therefore I have a problem believing this oft repeated line.

I could go into detail but I in truth I find taking advice like 'take risks', 'get out more', 'everybody has some insecurity', 'don't over analyse everthing' etc etc is wasted on me. I haven't managed to follow the advice in the past and I doubt I can now, (old dogs and new tricks).

What I want from this posting is clarification on whether this line is true of my position or not. I would like to hear from people in my exact position or who were in my position in the past. I would be particularly happy to hear from females, because I honestly don't believe it is possible for a female to achieve what I have managed (this has not been by choice obviously)

My present situation in a nutshell:
30 years old
No friends (close, casual or otherwise), I do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, on my own, (when I work, I do so with others, 9-5, but beyond that I have no interaction with people)
Never had a girlfriend
Never been kissed
A virgin

This is just the way life has worked out for me. Since everybody is unique, is this just a manifestation of my own uniqueness?

simu

6 billion humans on the planet not to mention all those that have died before now. It's very highly probable that there is orhas been at least one person in your position.

tinkerbell

Namewitheld wrote:

No friends (close, casual or otherwise), I do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, on my own, (when I work, I do so with others, 9-5, but beyond that I have no interaction with people)

I think the main thing here is why don't you have interaction with anybody outside of working hours? How about the people you work with, would you see yourself befriending them? Maybe you could start meeting up with them for lunch / in the evenings, etc.

Dunno really what to suggest other than that.

BuffyBot

simu wrote:

6 billion humans on the planet not to mention all those that have died before now. It's very highly probable that there is orhas been at least one person in your position.

What she said. Blunt, but perfectly correct

Sleepy

I may not be in the same situation as you, nor have I been but I can guarantee you're not the only one in this country in your situation, never mind in the world.

The old dog, new tricks line is bullsh:t and I suspect you know it. My own mother has gotten back into the dating scene at the age of 48 and seems to be more successful at it than I am despite being nearly 30 years out of practice!

To be so isolated at such a young age is unusual. Normally your level of isolation occurs in much older people who have outlived their friends and family. It's not an irrevocable situation though. If you haven't already sought professional help, it might be a good idea (learning how to open up to one person, even a therapist, should help you to be more open to developing relationships/friendships with others).

This may not be the advice you're looking for as you seem to want to write yourself off. I may be wrong in what I'm advising you, but as you know I'm working from a few lines of text you've posted on the net, not an overall picture of you as a person. Life's scary but that can be the beauty of it at times too...

Nevyn

take up a sport/hobby to get out more and maybe go to a boards beer.

Dating services are every bodies cup of tea , but there are dining clubs.
the set up a group of 12 people six male six female out on like a big group date for dinner. Beats noisy night clubs.

Miles

Yea, don't worry your not the only one who has this.;)

I move around to new cities and country's a lot and you get in a rut where you don't know anyone as the years go by. Also, my nearest family member is about 4000 miles away.

I usually try to work for volunteer organizations or join a club, it's about the best way to meet people.

Key is don't feel bad about it or feel there is anything wrong with you, there isn't. A lot of the time people think they are unique and that everyone around them has no problems, loads of family, and a bunch of friends. When I talk to my friends or family though they think the same about everyone else, and they have the same complaints of isolation.

Everyone has to find their on solutions; good luck with yours.

Pink Bunny

You don't say why it is that you are alone. Is it that you are shy? Or have you tried to get together with others and they turn you away?
I agree with Miles that you have to volunteer or join a club. If you are shy then maybe something like volunteering might be an answer because once you focus on someone or something other than yourself it's easier to lose that sense of selfconsciousness that sometimes holds us back.

If you are alone there must be a reason why. Maybe it's time to do some real soul searching if you aren't happy with yourself. It's a new year, what better time than now?

secret_squirrel

Namewitheld wrote:

I haven't managed to follow the advice in the past and I doubt I can now, (old dogs and new tricks).

Considering my Dad managed to start dating again at the age of 55 after my mum died - The Old Dogs cliche is bullshít. Pull yourself together - you need to kick yourself up the arse - no-one is going to do it for you.

Namewitheld wrote:

(this has not been by choice obviously)

YES IT HAS - by sitting there not acting on advice you are making a conscious choice to live your life in the manner you described.

Im in a less extreme version of your position but at least Im no illusion that its nobodies fault but my own. Only you can change your life its not easy - but nothing worth doing is.

For god sakes pull yourself together and start living your life - before you waste it all.

combs

Namewitheld wrote:

My present situation in a nutshell:
30 years old
No friends (close, casual or otherwise), I do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, on my own, (when I work, I do so with others, 9-5, but beyond that I have no interaction with people)
Never had a girlfriend
Never been kissed
A virgin

This is just the way life has worked out for me. Since everybody is unique, is this just a manifestation of my own uniqueness?

No. Your situation is not unique. I can tell you that for a fact. Some don't even have workmates.

Philbert

@the original poster

I dont believe you or your situation is unique in this day and age. I think it can be unhealthy for a person to be so isolated but in saying that the best company can sometimes be your own. And I can only assume that to a degree, you enjoy your own company.

If you have been keeping an eye on PI over the past few years like you said, then theres no point in me making any suggestions on what you can do about it - youve read it all before.

monster_fighter

Namewitheld wrote:

30 years old
No friends (close, casual or otherwise), I do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, on my own, (when I work, I do so with others, 9-5, but beyond that I have no interaction with people)
Never had a girlfriend
Never been kissed
A virgin

30 - that's your age, fair enough
Everything on your own - ok, I can relate.
Never had a girlfriend - well, I suppose if you don't socialise then that's what happens.
Never been kissed - SERIOUSLY? Never? Not even by a drunken lass on her birthday? I'm as shy as they come (and more) but even at that I've kissed a fair few.
A virgin - Probably could have guess that from the above.
I know I'll get slated for this but have you never considered paying for it? Yes it's illegal, here, but not everywhere.
No experience is the sort of thing that could stop you from getting to know women, make you feel nervous. It's not like kissing (which is easy, you could learn that from a website) - there is no substitute for practice here.

Are you fit?
If you're not then I would suggest you become so. It helps with the women (especially as you're shy), it's good for you too.
Once girls hit about 24 they (most of them) change. They start looking for more stable relationships, with nice men. They also become more confident and will approach you (especially north Europeans). So forget the girls of your teens and early twentys, these are not the same.

Good Luck,

Monster Fighter.

neuro-praxis

No, you're not the only one.

Ok, I don't think visiting a prostitute is what is going to improve this guy's self esteem. Scrap that, dude.

You sound as though you need to get to a therapist to help you talk through why you have such difficulty building relationships with people. At 30, you should have at least one or two friends to call your own.

It sounds as though there's something holding you back, probably an event or series of events as a child/teenager that stunted your relational capabilities.

Go sort yourself out. See a therpaist. You've said you won't join any clubs etc., so I don't know what else you can do. Perhaps a therapist can give you the tools to regain your confidence and get to know some people.

Good luck. You've got 50 or 60 years ahead of you so you might as well try to make them great.

monster_fighter

neuro-praxis wrote:

No, you're not the only one.

Ok, I don't think visiting a prostitute is what is going to improve this guy's self esteem. Scrap that, dude.

I suppose it depends on ones view on prostitution, most Irish seem to follow the church on that one.

Crucifix

monster_fighter wrote:

Not even by a drunken lass on her birthday?

I'm not quite sure why, but that phrase got me giggling.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response.

Secret squirrel,

at least Im no illusion that its nobodies fault but my own.

same for me, I wasn't my intention to imply I was blaming anyone for my situation.

Secret squirrel and sleepy, in all fairness, your parents situation is not quite the same. They have had relationships (at least one serious and maybe more in their youth) the experience of which gives them a good starting point from which to re-enter the dating world. I have NO expierence. Maybe I should have said old dog and tricks, since new implies I have learned old tricks when this is not the case.

Tinkerbell, Thaed, Miles and Pinkbunny: I have serious trouble socialising. The fact that I have NO friends and have had none since before leaving school (I was a boring teenager, goes without saying really, so got left behind when others started doing with normal teens do) should give you some indication of how difficult it is for me to make contact with others. That said, I [UNDERLINE]will[/UNDERLINE] take on board the volunteer suggestion, this had crossed my mind only this christmas, came to nothing because of my lack to skills (I know this is a cop out)

It's a new year, what better time than now?

Twice a year, new years and birthday, from the ages of 15-27ish I would think 'the next twelve months will be different, this time next year I will have a girlfriend'. Goes without saying nothing ever happened, and so I gave up about 2yrs ago.

A virgin - Probably could have guess that from the above

Yes it was probably unneccesary to point this out since I mention I have never been kissed but I felt I should highlight the extreme nature of my position. And although I would much prefer to solve the friends situation first, the fact that I have never gotten it together with a women (not even for a drunken one night stand) is what plays on my mind each and every night.

have you never considered paying for it?

Yes but I don't feel I would get any satisfaction out of paying for it, I would still be in the same place but probably with a load of guilt to factor in as well.

Not even by a drunken lass on her birthday?

I'm not quite sure why, but that phrase got me giggling

It does me too, not the phrase itself, but the fact its true is laughable really.

Thanks to Combs, I hope whoever can identify with me manages to get something from what others have been telling saying.

combs

How would one get kissed by a drunken girl on her birthday when one does not go to birthday parties?

Others have mentioned their parents "dating" again after marriage break-up or widowhood, but that's different. They were married or had relationships once. The original poster here never did. That's why he feels he might be unique or different. The thought is "How have I come this far in life never having had a relationship or anything even approaching a relationship?" Does that sound right?

joePC

Hello "Namewitheld"

The statement "Your not the only one" has no relevence to your situation, I feel it may just reinforce your state without helping it.

Your situation is not hopeless, its far from hopeless. Anybody, anyone can change their situation anytime they want. Its just a state of mind, everything we do, think, say, act is all from the way in which we think hence the way we feel.

Its easy to just say: think positive, feel great etc.. because its bull.

"Old dog new tricks" im sure you believe in this because its much easier to just confince yourself of this and take no action which is what you have and continue to do. You have to break this cycle its up to you. The ball is in your court you can hit it or it can hit you. Its been hitting you for many years now dont you feel its time to hit back. You need to take every opportunity to talk, act, interact with people even if that means going to the shop to say hello to the person serving you, people are not stone they will interact with you no matter what you say. Its time for you to act now, take control and start doing, dont let anything, anyone, any bad experience get in your way if something goes wrong focus on the positive, what did you learn form the bad experience, everything happens for a reason and everything has a postive outcome not matter how bad or ****ty it may feel there is always a positive, believe this always.

You know you can do it.

Joe...

Chad ghostal

secret_squirrel wrote:

YES IT HAS - by sitting there not acting on advice you are making a conscious choice to live your life in the manner you described.

Im in a less extreme version of your position but at least Im no illusion that its nobodies fault but my own. Only you can change your life its not easy - but nothing worth doing is.

What he said more or less, your going to have to do something about it.
If this is actually want you want(human relationships extending beyond "hi")..

There are VEry few physical deformities i can think of that would stop people from getting on with or getting close to someone who actually makes an effort to get on with people....

how are you different from everybody else?
what makes you so unique?

you have to make an effort.
this might not be easy in work, as people may know you as being quiet or whatever, but get out, join clubs.. its all cliched and you know all of it already..
what are you waiting for?

Miles

To the thread starter:

Have you made a lot of attempts to get out? How did they go?

Are you just occasionally lonely or all or most of the time?

simu

Why don't you try making friends over the internet to start with? Here, already, you're getting into an on-line discussion with people that has nothing to do with your work.

Practise having conversations on IRC before trying it in the real world.

MojoMaker

Namewitheld, register so I can pm you, or alternatively pm me.

Pink Bunny

namewithheld wrote:

Thanks for the response.


Tinkerbell, Thaed, Miles and Pinkbunny:
The That said, I [UNDERLINE]will[/UNDERLINE] take on board the volunteer suggestion, this had crossed my mind only this christmas,

Oh good!!! Reading that made me smile.
You made a girl smile today-that's a good start.
Last year I spent a lot of time visiting a loved one at a Hospice center, and now lately I have been visiting my grandmother who just was moved into a senior home. And I know that when people are faced with either dying or just old age, they are always grateful for a short visit, even if you just pop your head in their room to say "hi". When you get to that stage in your life you are usually more accepting of people and aren't bothered by someone's physical apperance or lack of social skills. Plus it just makes you feel better inside, knowing that your visit might very welll have the highlight of their day.
(Oops! Sorry for the rant. LOL...some of us have the opposite problem and can't stop talking)

secret_squirrel

A few more positive suggestions for you -

Come along to the next boards beers - Im sure with a tiny effort you will be nattering (or people like a listener too) away in no time - keep an eye out for the pre-drink drinks - this would allow you to go there with a few people you already 'know'.

Try joining maybefriends.ie (its not just about dating) or a similar site - you can chat online with them and then go along to the group meetings when you make a few online friends. They are a good bunch - Im speaking from experience.

Joining a gym probably wont make you many new friends but its amazing what being fit does for your confidence. Think about something class based rather than just an excercise program.

[/Edit]
IRC isnt a bad suggestion try the rooms at irc.icq.com they are a friendly bunch too.

Is there any way you can get more involved with your workmates? Dont expect to meet your bestest friend but think about joining others of your department for lunch if you have a company canteen.

Maybe think about getting a job where there is more social interaction? Sounds a bit extreme but if you are really unhappy - its worth considering.

LegacyUser

For clarity, the mods are checking my posts resulting in a delay to post and I cannot edit once I’ve sent it. The large quote box in my 2nd post is inaccurate, the first and last sentences are quotes everything else is me. This is my 3rd post and is written after secret_squirrel (post 24)

[BOLD]First off I would like to say that I appreciate the time everyone has taken to read my post and respond. I never expected to get this much of a response, so a genuine thanks to all.[/BOLD] Remember this as your read.

It would appear that some people have misunderstood my intentions in writing on this forum. As relevant as the advice is, I have in read it all before, in fact much of it can be found in any number of threads in this forum. If I were inclined to give advice I to would say the same to others simply because it is all so obvious. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to act on it in the past and even though it is said in response to my own situation it is having little effect on me.

I wrote in the hope of hearing from someone who understands my position, (so I know I am not alone) but also someone who maybe managed to overcome it, (in the hope they could provide advice). Because lets face it, this is NOT NORMAL. And no matter how well intentioned your advice you cannot possibly understand how crippling this is.

Secret_Squirrel says he appreciates my situation to an extent and yet he tells me to ‘pull myself together’. If he could relate then he would know this sort of advice is wasted. He would know that as much as I would love to be able to do this and that no matter how good my intentions might be to start afresh tomorrow, ultimately nothing changes. As in previous post, ‘twice a year…’

Chad ghostal I consider myself unique because my DNA makes me so, I certainly don’t consider myself special. Simu and BoffyBot I know there are 6 billion people in the world and therefore in all likelihood there are plenty of people out there who would admit to being in the same position, but I am talking about me and the society in which I live. It is against the norms of Ireland in the 21st century that I compare myself. I read the agony aunts/PI columns which relate to people living around me here and now and it is because I do not read about people who share my particular situation that leads me to wonder whether it is just me.

But it would appear not to be the case. Combs that sounds bang on. This is what I am after. Now at least I know I am not alone. Mojo maker, I am registered but am posting anonymously anonymously (jaysus I’m wimp heh?) Maybe there is a way around this, I don’t know, but it is my desire to have this out in the open so others can benefit from any advice given. You could post anonymously yourself.

For the benefit of those who don’t understand what its like to be in my shoes, a few examples in answer to the advice given:
Two months ago went to a concert, lady seems to be looking at me from across the hall cant be sure as the entrance is behind me even so am happy to believe she is. Later go out to have a smoke and drink at the bar, she is with friends in the middle of the room, there is no table/ashtray, she comes to where I am standing beside a table/ashtray. She drinks and smokes, I drink and smoke. I think say something, any thing, the music, her t shirt (logo on it is a scream for attention), any thing. I think no, I am too old to start chatting up people, I have nothing to say, besides she probably gets it all the time when she wears that t-shirt, can’t do it, I go out rarely so am going to enjoy myself tonite just let it go. Having decided this I enjoyed myself where as in the past I would be caught up in kicking myself for my inability to act.

I spent 4 yrs in uni, was alone for pretty much 95% of my time there. Joined a handful of societies went to a handful of meetings and nothing came them.

I fancy the cashier in my local shop, if I am feeling confident I will say hi and she will smile back, that’s me made for the day, if I feel confident and say hi and she doesn’t even look at me, I’m f***ed. Other occasions I don’t feel confident enough to take the chance of not getting that smile so I keep my mouth shut.

Work wise, no matter what job I’ve had I have had no confidence in my ability to do it yet have never been fired, or needed to be told off, so there is no basis for this. Even so I am very self conscious around colleagues on top of the normal shyness and this hampers my ability to connect.

I am fit and I attend a gym, three times a week. I am not overweight, which is where I think this is coming from, if anything underweight for my height. I would consider myself plain, but my appearance has nothing to do with making friends and so is not something I am preoccupied with.

I am hard of hearing. This is not a problem but for one situation, which, not unusually for Irish, has been mentioned a few times, any guesses? Of course THE PUB. I cannot follow conversation among groups in a nosiy situation. It has to be one on one or nothing.

Thats it for now.

secret_squirrel

Namewithheld wrote:

Secret_Squirrel says he appreciates my situation to an extent and yet he tells me to ‘pull myself together’. If he could relate then he would know this sort of advice is wasted. He would know that as much as I would love to be able to do this and that no matter how good my intentions might be to start afresh tomorrow, ultimately nothing changes. As in previous post, ‘twice a year…’

You're bang on I can relate to everything you have said -
except your inability to motivate yourself even slightly. I too have been in both you shop situation and your concert situation - I too have had my day made by a shop assistance I see every day smiling at me. Im not much of a socialiser - Im quite happy to settle for a night a week tops. Infact I can think of whole months where I havent set foot outside the door to go to a social even. I always rationalise this by saying chatting with the housemates, or my family and friends on the phone is enough for me - since Im happy in my own company. However, there are times where I suspect Im lying to myself to a certain extent..... In that way Im like you - I really cant be bothered to make the changes in my life that would widen my social circle.

However where we differ is that I do have a social circle however limited it maybe (tbh most of it is through work, which I dont think is the best situation).

But Im also spoilt in that I have a v good group of friends in the UK that have always been there for me. They are my safety net.

For me the sheer soul destroying loneliness of your situation would be motivation enough to make me do something about it.

If you are really that incapable of motivating yourself I really think you should seek professional help before the potential loneliness and futility of your life catch you off guard one day.

Do you have any family? Could you ask them to make an appointment for you and make you go to it? TBH I cant see any other solution - you seem almost too far gone to help yourself. You know how unnatural the life you are living at the moment - please for gods sake take a first step.

combs

Namewithheld wrote:

Two months ago went to a concert, lady seems to be looking at me from across the hall cant be sure as the entrance is behind me even so am happy to believe she is. Later go out to have a smoke and drink at the bar, she is with friends in the middle of the room, there is no table/ashtray, she comes to where I am standing beside a table/ashtray. She drinks and smokes, I drink and smoke. I think say something, any thing, the music, her t shirt (logo on it is a scream for attention), any thing. I think no, I am too old to start chatting up people, I have nothing to say, besides she probably gets it all the time when she wears that t-shirt, can’t do it, I go out rarely so am going to enjoy myself tonite just let it go. Having decided this I enjoyed myself where as in the past I would be caught up in kicking myself for my inability to act.

I have been through that sort of situation more times than I could count. Some of us just freeze when we're outside the house. Any desire I have vanishes as soon as I get outside; my only goal is to go about my business and return home to safety. It's a defect, alright, but you're certainly not the only one to suffer from it. I still haven't been able to overcome it.

tinkerbell

I think maybe you would be better off seeing a counseller or something about your low self confidence, since you already know yourself that you just can't get out of this rut that you're in. Maybe that could help greatly?

As for the whole pub thing and not liking going there, I personally can't stand the pub either. So not liking the pub scene is normal. It's so annoying that a lot of the social scene in Ireland revolves around the pub.

BrianD3

Interesting thread. Original poster, the situation you find yourself in is a lot more common that you think. To prove this to yourself, google the following terms:
1) Social Phobia
2) Involuntary Celibacy
3) Love Shyness

You will find hundreds of pages of information which are very relevant to your situation. Read them and realise that this is a recognised problem and that lots of men (and it is invariably men not women) are in the same position. Also realise that this is not an easy problem to fix, you probably are well aware of that though

There is also a very good book on this topic called Shyness & Love:
Causes, Consequences and Treatment by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin. You can get it at the following link. Make sure to get it and read every last word of it!
http://www.love-shy.com/

FWIW, I was and still am in a slightly similar situation. Not as severe as at least I have managed to have a couple of drunken one night stands when I was younger (late twenties now) But I have been celibate for years and have never come close to having a g/f. I also know NUMEROUS males in their twenties and older who I know for a fact have not dated and have not had girlfriends in the time I've known them and that could be period of a few years. They could well be virgins too, I don't know but I suspect some may be.

At this stage I am starting to think that women aren't all they're "cracked" up to be anyway. TBH the lack of a g/f is starting to bother me less and less and less as the years go by as I have plenty of other things to keep myself amused.

BrianD3

Victor

For clarity, the mods are checking my posts

All unregistered post on PI are checked.

I can understand, at least partly, the way you feel unique. However I think, given enough criteria, everyone is unique. I think you are unfairly placing yourself in the "freak of nature" category. While the individual symptoms are unique, I don't think the lonliness, isolation and possibly depression you feel are unique.

(1) There are lots of virgins out there.

(2) Few people can follow a conversation in a pub, partly due to the absense of sobriety, but lots of people suffer from some level of deafness (a lot of people are industrially deaf from modern living). I have the reverse problem, I hear too much, this mean instead of having to try to decipher one conversation over the music, I have to to decipher one conversation over many conversations, all of which I'm following and the music.

(3) Lots of people live 9-5 lives and go home and just sit in front of the TV.

(4) Theres a couple of girls in the local Spar that I like. Saying "hi" and smiling usually gets the same response. Sometimes we don't get the same response because the person has had a bad day, is busy or just doesn't feel up to it.

And so on .....................

---

None of the above are individually fatal errors and neither are they collectively fatal errors.

Some suggestions, make of them what you think:

Say "hi" to the bus driver.

Enjoy yourself, indulge yourself - deliberately by yourself - sometime.

Have a chat with that girl in the newsagents, say about todays weather. Ask her her name and tell her yours.

Go for a pint with your workmates on Friday

Download mIRC from www.mirc.com and use it.

Make an appointment with your GP for a check up and mention this thread (or the contents thereof).

Do the volunteer thing.

Get a full body massage (no that bit won't get massaged).

Invite a work colleague for a sandwich.

Come to the next boards.ie beers.

PS None of the above will get you laid, but may broaden you horizons.

ChRoMe

How will using irc remove his social phobia? Apologies I dont mean to be rude that would just seem to me to compound his situation