How come I never see anyone anymore?

ancapailldorcha

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123741359#Comment_123741359

I went to Kyiv with friends in 2018 and all they wanted to talk about was impending weddings, wedding venues, booking things for weddings, etc. My favourite part was going to the Kyiv-Pechersk Lavra by myself and just doing my own thing.

Now they're all having children so I suspect that that will be the dominant topic of conversation from now on.

Cyrus

yeah you have to work at meeting your friends but you also need to remember its never going to be like before, you have a family and they take priority. Obviously you shouldnt need permission to go out but its common courtesy to pre agree with your partner if you not being there impacts them.

I make sure and meet up with my close mates and speak to them regularly as well but luckily for me my wife is the person i most like spending time with so i dont pine for a feed of pints so much.

o1s1n

I know people love their families, their kids, but it really does sound like a lot of folks feel somewhat obligated to just give up everything they like doing? Or are just too tired to actually do the things they liked doing before?

I'm sure your kids are great and lovely and you'd do anything for them but likewise, life is bloody short. The OP genuinely sounds quite sad.

I'm early 40s, go for nights out with my missus once to twice a week, love going to gigs, travel 3-4 times a year, still have a large circle of friends… but I've no kids. Why would you want to give all of that up to have them?

Fair play to anyone that does, not taking that away from you. I just hope you are at least doing some of the things you like doing and aren't now just existing for others. Again, we'll all be in the ground soon enough, might as well do some stuff you actually like doing in the short time you're here.

Brian CivilEng

If I gave off the impression that I am sad maybe I should tone it back little. I’m not sad. Melancholic maybe.

Wezz

I'm in the same boat OP and I don't have kids so its not just that. I work full time and the thoughts of going out for pints when I have a 6am alarm the next day just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Nights out tend to be saved for the weekends and while I'm up for meeting people midweek for a quick catch up its hard when people are scattered, have different schedules and demands. Used to be everyone was in the same area and we could all head local, doing that now is impossible and requires planning and organisation.

Cyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123741438#Comment_123741438

Look each to their own, and if you have made a decison to now have kids you are going to have a certain view but for me at least chosing to spend time with my kids and family isnt me giving up other stuff, its something i would choose to do and is a far more enriching use of my time than going to gigs for example.

J Mysterio

Once I was in university, I had a kind of realisation that, for the most part, my friends had been largely 'situational'. I moved around a lot as a kid and so became adept at making friends, but never really at keeping them as we moved on again.

After my teenage years - once I stopped to move as much - that situational trend largely remained. I don't know if that is because of me or my friends but think others had a similar experience. I gradually lost touch with primary school friends after going to secondary school, and largely lost touch with them after going to university.

I didn't really make genuine friends in university as I suffered a family tragedy with the death of my brother at that time and so I largely just did what I had to do to progress through, and that was it. I was also disappointed with a few of what I would have considered 'key' or best friends at that time - I felt there was a lack of outreach and support on what was a devastating/ earth shattering occurrence.

I did make good friends towards the end of University on Erasmus though, and that was really one of the best experiences of my life.

There are a few I talk to or message every once in a good while these days but they aren't really close friendships. It is nice to keep in touch though, even superficially. I'm not in friend What's App groups or social media circles, though I have one for family.

Most of my free time is spent with my wife, family, or siblings. Outside that, things like football groups (or similar group activities) are good for the craic and to keep some socialisation.

While I am generally outgoing and happy to talk to people or engage on/ in things with people, I don't pine for new friendships either, and am largely happy as is and in my own company.

While I'm not close minded on it, making and maintaining friendships would be more important to my wife, and so there is a reasonable degree of socialisation through her, where we invite people for barbecues and such, and as much as I enjoy that, it's enough for me.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123741713#Comment_123741713

It shouldn't be an either/or situation, though, is the point I think was being made. Why can't you do both? Millions of people who have kids manage it. Being a parent doesn't mean you should or have to give up every other aspect of your life/personality. In fact, my take on it would be that, as with partners, the best parents are probably the ones with well rounded lives outside of just being a mum or dad.

Cyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123741839#Comment_123741839

i didnt present it as an either or scenario the poster i quoted did. my point is your life moves on, i dont want to live the same life i did in my 20s and i am doing the things that makes me happy, if having a family makes someone unhappy they made a wrong decision or two along the way.

Brian CivilEng

Having a family doesn’t feel like an obligation or a sacrifice in the moment though. It’s just doing what is your first instinct. It’s not something I regret at all. And it’s not an excuse for my current frustration about my lack of social life. It’s just part of the logistics of my situation which have led me here.

DarkJager21

It gets a lot harder when you have kids because if one parent goes out for the night the other is left to handle the chaos. Not necessarily a recipe for marital bliss.

We both still get time to go out when needed (work nights etc) but I'd never feel right leaving them for an evening (we have a routine of bedtime stories and songs that only daddy can do). As much as I love the lads those get togethers are getting rarer, at an age now where id much prefer to see them off to bed and crack a can open than paying 6/7/8 quid for one pint. Pubs are pricing themselves out of existence and the lush every weekend culture no longer exists to keep them afloat.

littlefeet

I read this article a few months ago. A couple with children separates, the father drops his son back to his mother on a Saturday evening, and he finds his wife is having a BBQ, and it's some couples he knows, and he's been friendly with the men when he was together with his wife, que awkwardness all around, so he leaves.

His reflection on this was that he had never realsied how much his social life centred around the dads and couples he knew through his children and their school and sports, and that women were better at organising things like BBQs, drinks, and the like, and he had never realised.

CelticRambler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123742626#Comment_123742626

if one parent goes out for the night the other is left to handle the chaos.

Wha' ? What chaos? MrsCR and I had an arrangement from the very beginning: she'd be the traditional stay-at-home mother, and I'd go out to work ... except on Wednesdays and Saturdays, when I'd get home at 1pm at the latest, and she'd be out the door at a minute past to spend the rest of the day doing whatever she wanted.

She left me - and trusted me - to get our children fed, washed and into bed by the time she got home. At the weekends, that was sometimes the next day. If ever there was any chaos, it was usually of my own making; the children were just along for the ride.

One eyed Jack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123741656#Comment_123741656

I didn’t even think melancholic, just as you said earlier - nostalgic, the opening post was relatable anyway, I’m just not nostalgic about it, but like yourself - I let it happen, because I’d other priorities which took precedence over maintaining friendships for what felt to me anyway like just the sake of maintaining friendships*. I don’t imagine it was any different for them as we just didn’t share the same bonds that brought us together in the first place, whether it was school, or college, or sports or work, or even just meeting up on a Friday night for drinks or whatever it was.

I don’t have any advice or anything or suggesting it’ll pass, I wouldn’t change anything right now as I’m quite content without the pressure of having to be sociable and outgoing all the time. I’m enjoying it while it lasts 😬

*I know it’s different for you cos you’d the regular rugby fixtures with your mates and what not, you enjoyed being sociable, I guess that’s why the nostalgia hits harder when you’ve time to think about it.

_Kaiser_

I have a small group of friends where we chat in a WhatsApp group through most days but we rarely meet up in person - MAYBE twice or 3 times a year.

We've known each other almost 30 years but we're spread all over the country so it's harder to organise.

Also we're all in our 50s or above now and settled so the conversations are very different than they were back then too. We don't really do crazy drink-fuelled nights - the only exception is our annual meetup weekend where we all go to one guy's place and drink, eat and talk shyte for the whole time.

Pauliedragon

I left school in 1998. Some stayed around locally, some went to college in a different county and settled there and some went abroad (I did). A few years later one of the lads got in touch and organised about 20 of us to meet up for pints Xmas eve. We kept this up but gradually 20 became 18,16, 12 etc. Eventually it was down to 3 of us who didn't have kids and now it's just forgotten about. It's perfectly normal when they all settled down (who wants to wake up Xmas morning with screaming kids and a hangover).