What type of therapy should I look for?

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123643886#Comment_123643886

They said no for a reason or reasons. If I understood those reasons, then I could change for them. Why wouldn't that make them happy?

I cannot change perspective or priorities just because it hurts now. It needs to make sense to me. I can't be convinced of what I see is an irrational position, no matter how nice it would be.

Changing yourself for someone else can work, for me anyway, if I understand what I need to change. I have a child, I changed when I became a father.

charlessmith22

You've a bizarre mix of being extremely over analytical and yet lacking any self awareness. If you're doubting the intensity of your words here then I'm not sure how to convince you. Im actually a little scared for this person due to the nature of these replies.

And listen if you *actually* really love them you'll do them the kindness of respecting their rejection with grace because I can assure you the direction you're going will make this person extremely uncomfortable at best.

extra-ordinary_

OP…can you describe the nature of your interactions with this other person and what it is about them that you love?

SineadSpears

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123605018#Comment_123605018

How can you change to be enough for this person when you don't know their reason(s) for turning you down.

How do you decide which things to change? You could write a list of things you assume are the issue but you are just guessing (and unnecessarily flogging yourself in the process).

Lets say you knew she was a huge fan of Love Island and the Essex show. Off you go and get some tan injections, a set of turkey teeth and bottle of Soul Glo. What then? What if she seen those changes and was actually horrified by the new ''improved'' you?

As much as you like/love that person, it's just one person in a whole world of people. There will be more people out there that have similar qualities that you see in her her, so why shut yourself off from the possibility of meeting someone else. Would you not feel happier meeting someone who likes you for you - just as you are now?

I understand the rejection part might sting a bit but there is also a possibility too that you weren't turned down for your own perceived flaws. Could have even been a her problem, not you.

If you can't find out the reason why she didn't want you, then really you are left with no other option then to try accept it, no matter the reason. If she didn't see what you have to offer, then she wasn't the right person for you either.

radiotrickster

OP, I’ve not read the entirety of every post here but I’m not convinced you truly want help.

It seems like you’re convinced therapy won’t work. Did you try journaling or did you just assume it wouldn’t work for you? How many days did you try it for? It’s not an instant-fix. Everything takes time, effort, work. Over time, it could become a great coping mechanism for you (it is for me) but I had to adapt to it. During hard periods, I might write about the same incident a multiple of times, but every time I do it gives temporary relief because the thoughts are out of my head. I write until I’ve no thoughts left about it anymore.

The therapist asking you questions you already know the answer to isn’t a sign therapy won’t work for you. You need to give the therapist a chance to catch up to where you are. Once they’re caught up and they’ve got the full picture, you can both work together to combat them.

This person you’re in love with doesn’t like you back. It’s clear to everyone here that you need to move on, but I would guess you don’t want therapy to work because therapy isn’t going to make the person love you. Therapy is going to figure out why you’re taking the rejection so hard and unwilling to give up on this person.

Maybe talk therapy isn’t right for you, but whatever therapy you choose, please do give it a proper go.

YellowLead

You mentioned that you are quite passive and don’t do things just for yourself, because making other people happy makes you happy. This would be unattractive to most women, who would prefer somebody with their own thoughts, ideas, life. If I didn’t want to be with somebody and they tried to change for me I would find that very odd, like they had no self respect - therefore I couldn’t respect them. If I don’t respect them I can’t be attracted.

Do you have many friends? I feel like meeting more people and getting involved in more things would leave you less time to feed this obsession - because the constant thinking about it is just making things worse.

Focus on your child and yourself and work and anything else in life and you will become more attractive - not necessarily to this woman who is likely disturbed by your intensity.

You just need to find the right therapist - try and find one who has been established for many years and has had lots of experience of dealing with people like you - but if you’re not open to it forget it. I think all the people I know in therapy tried a few out first, it’s not unusual not to click with the first one.

Wanderer78

yup, therapy, and as soon as possible, agree with the above, you may need to try a few different therapists in order to find the person that clicks with you, you re thought processes are flawed and dysfunctional, and surely must be extremely draining, but can be worked out in therapy, but you have to commit to the process, or you may forget about it

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123645831#Comment_123645831

You arent now nor ever entitled to their reasons. They dont want you to change. I can without a shadow of a doubt say you arent in love with this person, this is an obsession and quite a scary one at that if you cant see your part to play in this.

If something is hurting you, not working for you and causing you to see therapy then it is time to change perspectives and priorities.

You changed because you became a father, not because that child asked you to, your world changed.

Rejection hurts,im not saying you need to just get over it, but you do need to move on. Out of respect for you, that person and your child. You do really need help in sorting your thought process and decision making. This must be incredibly tiring for you and you cannot function at 100% as a father in this case.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123647344#Comment_123647344

this is more than likely limerence, this is a relatively common behavioral problem with many disorders, including my own, asd, cbt is the preferred treatment for this behavior, but again, its truly up to the op to pursue this treatment

mykrodot

"I think the fact that I am in love with them makes me seem creepy to them already. I would like to talk to them to explain why I do, why it make so much sense to me to be in love with them. But just so they aren't inherently weirded out by me being in love with them. I know even if they completely accept that, that nothing must follow from them."

If someone told me they were in love with me, AFTER I had rejected them, and kept trying to convince me they could change themselves and mold themselves into someone I could love I would be freaked out, scared, and very worried.

From a female point of view this would have the red flag of "stalker" written all over it. A rejection is a rejection and you don't have the right to keep questioning that. Chemistry is undefinable, as anyone who has ever fallen in love can confirm.

Its not a look, its not height, hair colour, eye colour…………its a combination of millions of things, most of them not physical, down to the way someone speaks, accent, sense of humour, the way they walk, they way they interact with others, how they react to sad things, happy things, stressful situations etc………..when its there it's there. When it's not there nothing can create it. Its not something you can fix. We mix with people all our lives yet only mate with a few. This is down to chemistry.

I am a single female and have about 5 good male friends. I don't fancy any of them but I am friends with them. I would love to be in a relationship or have someone special but cannot force myself to be with any of them because I don't fancy them!

That 2009 film "He's just not that into you" was made for a reason. Its a very common phenomena, it happens to all of us all the time. You have to accept it.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123645850#Comment_123645850

Maybe I am over analytical, but why does that make you scared for them?

I respect their rejection, I am not for one moment disregarding it. But why is the answer giving up? Why can't it be self-improvement? Is it really more respectful to approach a prospective partner as interchangeable with anyone else?

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123645902#Comment_123645902

I saw them at break times in work, amongst a group of work colleagues, over the course of about 2.5 years. We didn't really directly interact much at all.

What about them I loved? It's hard to describe. They were lovely to be around. The only time of the day I looked forward to was those breaks. I wanted to see them, to hear them talk about anything.

I've been in love twice before.

And each time that love inspired me to accomplish something that I had never thought I could do.

And each time that love made me feel, if not happy, then at least content about the pain and loss of the failed romantic opportunities that came before. The pain and loss brought me to them, so it was ok.

And this time is the same.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123646165#Comment_123646165

That is my problem. How can I change when I don't know what to change.

I said it before, I can't just accept a position because it would be nice. If someone is lucky enough to meet someone who loves them for how they are now, then that is great for them. But I already am in love with this specific person. They are no more interchangeable than my child is.

And for every "what if you did X and it didn't work?" hypothetical, there is the corresponding question of "what if I did X and it did work?".

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123646612#Comment_123646612

I tried journaling for about week or so. I wrote about 40 or 50 pages, just letting my thoughts go to the page. In the moment it is distracting, but afterwards it doesn't change anything for me. Those thoughts are still in my head.

I did give it a proper go and will give anything I try in the future a proper go.

MayoSalmon

Therapy is a huge waste of time and money

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123647212#Comment_123647212

I have my own thoughts, ideas and life. I am just easily satisfied by myself. I don't feel the need to go and experience many new things unless I have someone to share it with. Why does that make it seem I have no self-respect?

I have friends, we meet regularly for boardgames and less regularly for things like parties.

Why is surety in my feelings for this person come across as negatively intense? If self-respect is good and important, then is this surety not a good example of it? Why is treating love and the people you have feelings for as important seen as bad? I respect my beliefs and I respect them. I do not believe, and have never expressed to anyone, that the person I am in love with must love me back, even if they did get to know me.

I said it already:

Why is it better to treat any and all prospective suitors as completely interchangeable and personally unimportant? Is that really how people want to be treated? I know not all relationships need to start with both or either party being in love with the other, but I don't understand why it is automatically bad if one is lucky enough to know before the start how they feel.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123647371#Comment_123647371

If chemistry is undefinable, then how do you know chemistry could not grow if given the chance?

Chemistry can obviously fade. People start off with undeniable chemistry but it fades to nothing over time as they get to know each other more and things change or get in the way. So why can't it grow from little or nothing?

You say you have 5 good male friends, who you have no interest in romantically. So, each are instances of basically no romantic chemistry at the start and no romantic chemistry now. That's fine, can absolutely happen. I too have good male friends that I with no romantic chemistry with (and maybe one or two that I do, I'd find it hard to tell).

But you do you have platonic chemistry with them. Maybe you had a lot at the start of meeting each of them - just immediately hit it right off. But I would imagine that you maybe started with little with some of them - you had to get to know them at least a bit before becoming truly comfortable and friendly around them. And now, after whatever length of time you have known them, you likely have more platonic chemistry than on the days you first met because you know them more.

That's how it is with my friends. People have different personalities and put forward different personalities based on how comfortable they are and that can change if their comfort changes.

Chemistry is never absolute. No-one likes and is 100% attracted to 100% of their partner's life (even if the only difference is which side of the bed you both prefer). If you know so little about someone, then how can you say what the chemistry really is? I don't know if we would have chemistry, the person I love and I. It's a doubt that has always weighed me down. But my feelings for them, they give me hope that we could, if given the chance to find out.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123647344#Comment_123647344

I know I am not entitled to their reasons. If I convinced everyone here or hell even if I convinced every therapist I ever see for the rest of my life that my love for this person is real and true and good, that doesn't mean I ever get to say another word to the person I love if they don't want me to. So I have tried therapy instead and don't understand how it is supposed to work and so I try here to get as many views as possible to try and make sense.

Why does thinking about love and thinking it through make me scary?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123647359#Comment_123647359

It is not limerence. I know the difference between attraction, obsession and love.

Rubberchikken

If this person has said no, why then woukd you think talking to them and telling them you love them woukd change this?

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this but definitely shopping around until you find a professional who can listen and maybe come up with some concrete ways to allow you to move on is needed.

I find your certainty that this is love a little unsettling. To me healthy love is reciprocated. This doesn't sound like it is or ever will be.

I do realise it hurts but as adults we have to accept certain facts ourselves get help to achieve that.

Do you think by telling this person you love them and maybe explaining your side that they will change their mind?

My bottom line is, to stop wasting any more of your life seek help that will let you find the ability to put this feeling behind you and allow you move on to a more positive future.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123651815#Comment_123651815

I don't think just telling them I love them would change their no. I hope that if I could explain why, that it would help them not be weirded out by it, like everyone else in this thread seems to be.

And I hope that if we spoke in general and actually got to know each other that we might find chemistry. And that might change the know.

I feel like pretending that this isn't love would be wasting my life. To me, all that matters in life is love. Either life ends with a fullstop and therefore love is the only measure of fulfilment of your life, or something continues after and love is the only hope against the timeless eternity alone. At the end of your life, you may look back and wish you made better decisions in romance, relationships and life. But you are not going to look back and wish you loved less.

Hannibal_Smith

Because it's awkward for the other person. It's bad enough to have to listen to someone you have no feelings for tell you that they love you and have to tell them back that you don't feel the same, but it's even worse if you then have to give a list of reasons of why you don't feel the same. Especially if it's a work colleague. They still have to come to work and face you.

They don't owe you any explanations and you're just going to have to learn how to manage that.

charlessmith22

Why didn't you directly interact much over the 2.5 years? It makes it seem even weirder if you're just lurking on this person from a distance and would further indicate you've absolutely zero chance here if you hadn't the confidence to flirt normally.

You're ignoring everyones advice and instead choosing to cling onto extremely tenuous what ifs. You've a frankly scary way of rationalisating that your behaviour is ok all in the name of love.

YellowLead

Apologies, wrong person.
Anyway, I hope you try another therapist because this woman is not going to love you just because you want her to.

extra-ordinary_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123651616#Comment_123651616

I've been in love twice before.

If you mean you've had this feeling twice before then great, that feeling of love is in you. Have any of these previous times involved the other person reciprocating and a romantic relationship developing or instead, have they been similar to this latest experience?

And each time that love made me feel, if not happy, then at least content about the pain and loss of the failed romantic opportunities that came before. The pain and loss brought me to them, so it was ok.

Have you spoken about this pain and loss you felt with a therapist?

SineadSpears

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123651646#Comment_123651646

You are giving yourself false hope thinking that changing is the answer. It can't be the answer when you don't know what changes to make. So you are at a standstill with that one.

Maybe ease up on yourself and instead of thinking about what is wrong with you, try focus on what you can do to put this to an end and move on in your life with, or without her.

No-one here knows how the previous conversation went between you two. Maybe it was a clear no from her, or maybe you asked her the last 30seconds of her break, put her on the spot and she panicked.

We don't know if it's worth asking her again or not. Only you can judge that.

But if you do decide to try again, you need to plan properly. Its all well and good going in hopeful, but if you get turned down again, are you prepared to accept it for what it is and not best yourself up again? Will you accept being turned down without any reasons given? Would you be able to thank her for giving you a chance to speak, genuinely wish her well and reassure her that their will absolutely no awkwardness in each others presence?

You can't tell her you love her because it will freak her out but I think you know that already and probably won't do that anyway.

(I wonder if you toned down the word Love and said only that you really really liked this woman, A LOT, would other posters be less likely to call you obsessed or creepy)

Do you think there is a way you can speak to her privately with enough time to speak properly?

Could you maybe say "I know I asked before if you'd like to go out and you declined, but I just wanted to tell you that I really like you and was wondering if you might reconsider the offer of going on a date".

You're laying your cards on the table and showing her that you still like her. Only this time, you will be approaching the conversation more prepared.

You're hoping for a yes - but you're ready to put things to rest if it's another no.

If it does go ahead, say it confidently and clear. Don't look at her with puppy dog eyes because that will turn what doesn't need to be an awkward interaction, into an awkward interaction. She might even feel like she has to give you a pity yes (depending on the type of person she is). You don't want that, you'll only want her to go on a date if she really wants to get to know you.

You also need to remember that being a colleague, brings its own challenges as already mentioned. It's probably best avoided but FWIW - I asked someone in the workplace before if they would like to go out. Granted he worked in another department so we didn't work close together. But for some people, that's a massive no no.

HildaOgdenx

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Post deieted.

Airyfairy12

Writing in a diary isnt just to get the thoughts out of your head, it allows you to track your thinking, your thought process and allows you to track if you start to improve and if you begin to fall back into old patterns, it also helps you to pinpoint triggers for you that increase your rumination. You need to engage with therapy or it wont work, being flipent about keeping a diary could indicate that youre not ready to engage in the therapeutic process. You have to be open to listening and taking on the suggestions of your therapist, trying different approaches and learning. Not everything will work or click straight away but therapy is a process, not a magic wand. Think of like a long road with many diversions, cross roads, dead ends, bends and turns its not linear but no matter what direction you go, if youre open to it, you'll learn something new about yourself through self reflection. The therapist is there to ensure that your self reflection is safe and productive and occasionally they will give you another perspective, if you write every suggestion off as pointless because youre not seeing immediate results, youre just wasting your own time and money.

It sounds like a big problem for you right now is rumination and low self esteem, Id suggest a qualified cbt counsellor to help reshape your thinking but this will require keeping a diary and engaging with the therapy, you will have to start new habits and be open to changing your mindset or it wont work.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058403290/in-love-with-coworker-accused-of-harassment

Read this thread.

Either it was started by you in another guise or (less likely) somebody with exactly the same disregard for the feelings of an unfortunate woman.

Either way, it answers your question.

She's not going to change her mind and you can't force her to. Leave her alone, seek help.

charlessmith22

Dear lord, that confirms everything i was worried about here.

It would be remiss of us not to report this to the guards at this point.

magicbastarder

What crime has been committed?

Seems the OP is infatuated; I'd be very hesitant to agree you can love someone you barely know.