What type of therapy should I look for?

Mark Hamill

I tried therapy recently for the first time to try and help with some personal issues to do with relationships. It ended up just being a few sessions of me talking at length with not much input from the therapist and I found it to not be helpful at all.

They did try to ask what I'm sure they saw as hard questions throughout, but one of my (I'm sure) many problems is I over-thinking many things (often to the point of analysis-paralysis). I could see the questions coming a mile away as I had already considered them many times over and thought them through and had answers for them. The only thing they ever suggested to me to do was keep a diary and I don't get that at all. Writing my thoughts down does not remove them from my head. It does not change anything, for me, at all.

Some people may get something from just having someone to listen to them, but it's not for me.

Is there a more active involved kind of therapy I should aim for when searching online for a therapist? Or would I need to just randomly try the until I find one who can actually give me feedback that helps.

taxAHcruel

Without knowing what form or forms your "personal relationship issues" take it is not really easy to suggest anything other than talk therapy. If you torpedo the relationship because you do not believe yourself worthy then that is different than if you torpedo them because you instantly think they are cheating on you the whole time or need to constantly control them and monitor their text messages. Which is different to constantly cheating on them. Which is different to you getting violent and beating them. Which is all only assuming when you said "relationships" you mean romantic ones and not all the other kinds of relationships there is out there.

So if you could add a little more information on here or in private that might be useful to work with.

It's a bit like asking "What kind of drug would you give me to cure me of my snotty nose"? Well first we would need to know is it viral, environmental, bacterial, structural, allergies, or even psychosomatic. Without even a basic diagnosis of the problem it is difficult to recommend a treatment. So you start with the GP. Talk Therapy is like starting with the GP.

A big issue with talk therapy of course is that it does take time. You say you saw the questions coming a mile away because you have already been over them yourself. I agree with that sentiment. But the therapist hasn't taken that time with you that you have. They have 1 hour a day or even 1 hour a week to get to know you as well as they can which will never be as well as you know you for 20 30 40 50 years or whatever age you are.

And a lot of them don't try to tell you what is wrong with you. A lot of them try to get you to find that out for yourself. And sometimes the right question at the right time - when they finally hit on it - can come out of left field for you and make you have an "Oh sheet" moment.

All that said there are several places in the EU you can go on a retreat with Ayahuasca ceremonies or similar. And a lot of those retreats have things similar to talk therapy and guidance before and after the ceremonies. Some people have some very quick personal insights from such things, learning things in 48 hours that talk therapy might have taken 48 weeks or 48 months. But of course other people get nothing out of it. So - it's a try it and see situation.

Anyhoo hope some of that helps. It's the best I can offer on the information given :)

Mark Hamill

Thank you for your feedback.

The relationship issues relate to a romantic relationship that doesn't exist even though I want it to. So unrequited love and rejection.

I don't see myself doing a Ayahuasca ceremony or anything like that. I've never drank alcohol or done drugs and have no interest in that. I don't see how any "realisations" from anything like that would survive sober thought.

Truthfully, I don't see how any therapy can help with what is wrong.

Gremlinertia

Finding a therapist is basically like interviewing people to check who click, also with something as complex as your issue it'll take time,

Id think from personal experience I'd go with something cognitive therapy style as it'll help restructure/challenge your thinking..

Firstly though you have to meet right person for you, enquire with whoever near you and say it's an initial contact to see if you suit each other.

Also bear in mind gender, transference is sometimes an issue so might be worth thinking about someone who is either not of the gender you are attracted to or someone maybe out of your usual range

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123571213#Comment_123571213

I will look up if there are any therapists who offer cognitive therapy in my area.

But, if you have experience in cognitive therapy, can I ask does it always approach things from the point of view that there must be something wrong about your thoughts? According to wikipedia:

"Therapy may consist of testing the assumptions which one makes and looking for new information that could help shift the assumptions in a way that leads to different emotional or behavioural reactions."

I feel like I have tested my assumptions a lot, I have certainly thought about them a lot, they inform a lot of my life. I am very open to having them challenged and have had some discussions that have so far failed to change my mind. Given that therapists don't tend to tell you what is wrong with you, if the therapy just amounts to "assume something in your thoughts are wrong and find something else to fulfil you", I don't see myself getting far with it.

taxAHcruel

So the issue is not with maintaining relationships, or sabotaging them when you are in them, or failing them or anything. It's more focused on an inability to get into one? Any one? Or a particular one with someone you are pursuing?

I certainly remember the days when I could not get anywhere near the opposite sex, let alone into a relationship with one. And it was not therapy or introspective drugs that got me out of it in the end. It was a simple but stark shift in my priorities.

As for the introspective insights surviving the sober thought after the drugs I mentioned - there is wealth of anecdote and a slowly but steadily growing wealth of science showing that it very much does. But its a little different than simply "drinking alcohol or doing drugs".

SuperBowserWorld

The talk therapy should hopefully at least help you get things off your chest and begin to straighten things out in your mind.

I was going to such therapy and stopped after a number of sessions as I wasn't getting much from it. It was definitely helpful to offload things, but expensive and was getting nowhere to be honest.

Beware that you might be totally frazzled and burned out, you may need to try and completely slow down and rest before trying something new or a new approach.

This is how I feel where I am. I have problems that can't be fixed and I have to learn how to live with them. And I need to set aside time and make a plan to move forward for the things I can fix. But at the moment I'm just exhausted. Definitely not going back to the old therapist as it was a dead end, but will try for someone/thing different in the future.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123592775#Comment_123592775

I am in love with someone who said no. I know it is love and I know how important love is. Love is the priority for me, based on years of thinking about life and purpose. I am open to discussion and challenge, but I can't just choose to change my priorities.

If you have any of that science I will take a look at it.

Apiarist

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123601170#Comment_123601170

We all have things that we obsess over too much. But if it involves another person, you have to learn to let go. It may hurt, but it is necessary.

Personally, I think cognitive behavioral therapy could work. There are many psychologists employing CBT. As with any therapy, you need to trust in the process, and do the exercises diligently.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123592915#Comment_123592915

Part of my problem is just getting things off my chest doesn't really help me. I am obviously not against asking others for help, but that is based off the assumption that they have the experience or expertise to help.

Just offloading onto someone, no matter how sympathetic, doesn't actually change the problem if all they do is listen and sympathise. I know what my problem is, I know that the best thing would be to talk with the person the problem relates to, but I can't. Why would taking to someone else help? And even if I completely convince a therapist of my point of view, that doesn't change the problem.

The other part of my problem is that resting and doing nothing just allows me to spiral in my thoughts about it. And I find it hard to distract myself from them because I don't really care about doing activities just for myself, I never have. I have a job and some hobbies, but I don't feel a drive to do anything new by myself. For instance it's the time of the year again when people ask if I am going away for the summer and my first reaction is always "By myself, what for?".

Apiarist

I know that the best thing would be to take with the person the problem relates to...

No, it wouldn't.

The other part of my problem is that resting and doing nothing just allows me to spiral in my thoughts about it.

Part of CBT might be writing down your thoughts and categorising them. When you have them written down, you can let go of them.

Anyway, that's all the advice I have. Good luck.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123601205#Comment_123601205

I can't choose to let go and trying to force it feels wrong on multiple levels.

Even if I could just move onto someone else (which I can't choose to do), how could I use someone as a runner up to who I really want to be with? How would they feel about that?

If I am not good enough to be with who I love, how can I be good enough for anyone? If I could be good enough for anyone, then why not for who I love?

What I feel like I should do is to find out why I am not good enough and fix those problems with me and make myself good enough for who I love.

taxAHcruel

Ah ok that is somewhat clearer. Thanks. So you are looking for Therapy that might help in relation to coping with the pain, disappointment, distraction, anxiety and other negativity related to being rejected romantically by a single individual? Or to put it more crassly you want help to get over it and move on?

Unfortunately despite my knowing about many areas of mental health, psychology and psychiatry for all kinds of issues - this is not one of the ones I know as much about. CBT and ACT both spring to mind as being applicable though. Depending on how the suffering actually manifests there are other things that might be applicable like psychodrama/gestalt therapy or even grief counseling but those are the two that instantly jump to mind. In Psychodrama for example the therapist might have you role play to an "empty chair" conversations and interactions with the object of your love and find ways through that to reach a point of resolution. If not complete resolution at least one at a level strong enough to at least help you move on in life. Maybe you will never get over it 100%. But do we ever? I am 46 now and in a long term relationship but I am still not 100% over a girl I was deeply in love with who died when we were both 16. But I am over it enough to function!

Following this, especially in my college years, I know I was able to totally change my priorities when I was suffering from being what people would now call an Incel. I could not even get a kiss in a night club let alone get a phone number, a date, or an actual relationship.

I did it by entirely giving up on women at all and throwing myself totally into the world of exploring myself and bettering myself. I guess I was MGTOW before MGTOW was even invented as a phrase. And as it happens this turned out to be the best step to getting into a romantic relationship that I ever made because I ended up in one and am still in it to this day.

In other words I shifted from Romance being a goal/focus of my path in life and it sorted itself out by becoming an event along that path as I walked it. Rather than me trying to make it happen I gave up on it and it just made itself happen instead.

It strikes me you can take that approach without giving up love being your core priority either. In fact exploring oneself and bettering oneself in all ways can be seen as a subset of serving love. Allowing you to have more to offer to, better protect, and better connect with, the person one ultimately enters a romantic relationship with.

Not sure if AND of that helps much given you are focused on one particular individual which is markedly different to my inability to find ANY person at the time - but it strikes me as more than partially similar at least.

On the other note:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39980134/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35072760/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30105399/

https://www.scielo.br/j/rpc/a/qjc5xW89MpYs7LSqZ5YtGBs/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35072760/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38780800/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38666090/

That and Ibugane are relatively young fields of research but the results are certainly very interesting. Especially Ibugane when it comes to PTSD, addiction, and long term negative emotions.

SuperBowserWorld

Maybe a life coach would help? Never tried one. They should at least help you state your goals and help you achieve them.

Good sleep, regular exercise and good diet. No drugs/alcohol. That'll clear down the decks to help you move forward regardless of everything else. And a good baseline to get back to when things are spiralling out of control.

Mark Hamill

No, it wouldn't.

Why not?

In every other walk of life, if you have an issue with someone, talking to them is the best way to address it. I believe talking to the person I love and explaining myself would be good for me because I would at least feel like we understand each other better and that would help them therefore feel better about how I feel about them. I know that doesn't at all mean they would return my feelings or even change their view of me. But at least their view of me would be based on knowing me a bit.

Part of CBT might be writing down your thoughts and categorising them. When you have them written down, you can let go of them.

Anyway, that's all the advice I have. Good luck.

I have tried that on my own initiative. I wrote a few doezn pages over a few evenings when I gave up because it wasn't changing anything for me. Writing stuff down doesn't change the reality of them.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123601211#Comment_123601211

Well I would not be me if I did not at least once in a thread of this nature suggest Jiu Jitsu. I am almost evangelical religious about it :) But Jiu Jitsu and Archery are two things I find do not allow you to stay inside your own head and spiral into any negative emotion or thought process. Much like meditation it takes you entirely out of the moment into a "flow" state that leaves no room for focus on anything but the current moment.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123601253#Comment_123601253

The "good enough" value judgement is one that is definitely dangerous and is the kind of thought process CBT and ACT would be designed to interrupt and combat. When we are rejected by a romantic interest it is not that we are not "Good enough" for them. It is that we are not a right FIT for them. The former is a value judgement the latter is not.

Unfortunately the human brain seems wired to view rejection in that value judgement way all the same though. And our species does take the rejection personally and as a judgement of our worth.

When doing a jigsaw most pieces do not fit together. It is not that the pieces are not "Good enough" for each other. Each piece of the puzzle is value neutral/equal. No piece is better or worse than any other piece. But still regardless of that most pieces simply do not fit together and never will.

This is similar to relationships. If someone rejects you as a potential partner this is not a judgement of your relative value. You just are not the fit that person is looking for. Thinking you are (or are not) "Good enough for anyone" or "not good enough for the one I love" is definitely "wrong think" in that regard therefore.

So you could explore yourself and improve any number of attributes about yourself in a quest to become "good enough" for the focus of your desire. To obsess over finding what you think must be the "problems" and correct them to make yourself "good enough". But ultimately you may still fail because it is not about being good enough at all in the first place.

Wanderer78

op, i have autism myself, what you re experiencing is rsd(rejection sensitivity dysphoria), this is effectively part and parcel of my disorder, and is common enough also amongst neurotypicals(none autistic), i would agree with others and recommend cbt(Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)based therapy, although ive never truly done such therapy, this should greatly help with this issue, its extremely painful to experience such rejection. dont be afraid to change therapists after some time, as it can take some time in finding the right person, but it should help, cbt is an extremely common form of therapy nowadays, so finding such should be relatively easily, best of luck

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123601359#Comment_123601359

I actually did Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for years during college, had to give it up after injuring my back. I have been going to the gym about 4 days a week for the last 2 years, and also boardgame a least once a week with friends. These do take my mind off other things whilst I am doing them, and I can full well believe they may help a lot of people to the point of being the long term solution, but the thoughts are still there when I finish, suspended rather than addressed.

I've heard that argument before, being good enough versus being the right fit. However Jigsaw pieces are defined and unchangeable (at least without ultimately destroying them). I am malleable. I can change. If I knew what was wrong with me, I could change it. If I was better, I would know.

No relationship starts off perfect. They all require work and compromise, in some way. Compromise is change. Why is this any different?

Gremlinertia

The last paragraph you wrote. Read it in isolation, then think about you being the subject of that.. We would all like to change ourselves but this sounds like changing the other person instead?

kurt_angle

No diagnosis here and not trying to but possibly MBT for borderline personality disorder. Maybe CBT could help as well. Have you ever discussed Borderline personality disorder with a therapist.

How is your relationship with friends and family. Do you like some friends much much better than others but equally could go hot and cold with them and some members of your family for no apparent reason like they didn’t call or text.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123604972#Comment_123604972

No, it's about me changing. If I was good enough, they could see that I could change however they need me to.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123605000#Comment_123605000

I have never talked about Borderline Personality Disorder, I will read up on it.

My relationship with my friends and family are fine. I don't go hot or cold for no reason, I'm quite laid back and non-judgemental of others.

I have had issues with my family in the past and still with one or two now, but for specific reasons.

Gremlinertia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123605018#Comment_123605018

Question there is can you change yourself voluntarily and then who are you? I'll bow out here now but just again recommend something cognitive/dialectical for a look at core stuff.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123605018#Comment_123605018

Sentences like that make it sound less like love and more like obsession. Again I would think CBT and ACT would be a useful place to start. And if you find someone who does those things and also does "Psychodrama" style conversations it might be revealing.

You said you are considering talking to the person about it all. Which in and of itself is not a bad idea per se. But the type of things many people say in such conversations can be really dodgy and even creepy. When someone is just not into you, the steps it takes to suddenly become creepy to them is surprisingly short.

If you find yourself erring towards the "I can not live without you" (manipulative and abusive thing to say) or "No one will love you like I love you" (insulting and demeaning thing to say) style of conversation then I would say avoid avoid avoid. Basically a litmus test to go be is that anything you feel like saying that is geared towards increasing the salience of your love in their mind is probably best unsaid.

If you feel more like a mature conversation of "Hey remember that time you turned me down romantically - I've been seeking to better myself in life and was wondering if you could help me decide what to focus on - what things about me were particular in your evaluation of me when you considering it?" style discussion then by all means try it. Especially if you tell them to be brutally honest. You might not like what you hear (but smile and suck it up and do not try to rebut it) but you might find things actually worthy of working on.

But one does not want to turn into the Marvin Gaye song "Don't do it" either. Where the singer compromised everything "and kept nothing for himself" only to have his partner end up leaving him anyway probably precisely because he was a compromised inauthentic result. Wanting to change for another person is not automatically a bad thing. It comes down to what you change and how much you change. No love and no relationship is worth compromising ourselves to the point we are not us any more.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123604912#Comment_123604912

The goal of healthy escapes from intrusive thoughts and emotions however is not to make them simply go away and never return. Of course they are still there and suspended. And they can come back after the fact. A deep practice of meditation can help one get good at noticing and addressing intrusive thoughts too when they arise. But in the end it's just a higher level of suspending them temporarily.

The goal however is to get away from them every so often. The analogy I use when I teach my own children about such things like positive and negative forms of escape is to imagine going on a really lovely nature hike with really love people. And you bring a two liter bottle of water with you. When you pick up that bottle to go it feels like nothing and off you set.

The longer you carry that bottle however the heavier it gets on your arms and the more it challenges the gripping muscles in your fingers. If you continue too long it become at first uncomfortable and then intrusive to the point you are barely noticing the beauty of the nature walk or enjoying the company of the wonderful people. And this can happen so incrementally that you do not even notice you are a dark cloud of distraction and moodiness.

By putting the bottle down every so often and relaxing the muscles this does not happen. You enjoy the walk. You enjoy the people. You enjoy life.

Negative thoughts and emotions are the same thing as the bottle. We have to put them down occasionally. Or they become so intrusive that they permeate every other aspect of our life, emotions and well being. Sometimes so incrementally that we do not notice how awful it is affecting us and how awful a person we are becoming in our life to ourselves and others. We absolutely have to find ways to get out of that stream every so often even if it is only for a few hours doing things like Jiu Jitsu or whatever works for us. And preferably not negative things like alcohol, porn, doom scrolling, or other distractions in life.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123604912#Comment_123604912

Yes humans are malleable to a point. But only within a limited malleability space. Some attributes are not at all. Some a little so. And a few more so.

I know this myself all too well as I have made it a life goal to maximize myself in as many ways inside that space as I possibly can in many physical and mental pursuits.

But even if I took my favorite personal thing of all, Jiu Jitsu and dedicated myself to that at the expense of everything else - even if I could star trek myself into my own childhood and dedicate my entire life to Jiu Jitsu from the age of 5 onward - my malleability space would STILL Not get me into the same ranking league as the top contenders let alone get even remotely far enough in competition to even compete with them let alone beat them. Given my genetic deck of cards and my phenotype there is no alternate star trek reality that has be beating Luis Oliveira or Erich dos Santos. My jigsaw piece will simply not fit in that area of the puzzle. Ever.

And there are things like height, bone structure, facial structure, IQs, tastes, sexuality attractions and more that we simply can not change at all. If someone rejected me because I am not tall enough then my height is not something "wrong with me". It simply does not match the requirements of that one person.

So the Jigsaw analogy holds. A malleable human being still remains effectively a jigsaw piece that will fit with some other pieces and not with others. And again that does not mean there is anything "wrong" with a person just because they do not fit with another. The fit is simply not there is all.

Again though you talk about "Compromise". Yes relationship are about making compromises as you rightly say. I know this as well as anyone given I am in a three person relationship with now four children between us. We make as many if not more compromises than most.

But making compromises and compromising ourselves are two different thing entirely, though using the exact same word and so sound like the same thing. They are not. Doing one is good. Doing the other is not. It is unfortunate it is the same word because the two things are so different that it is misleading to the point of damaging to have just one word for them.

And how clear that line in the sand between making a compromise and compromising ourselves is can be very contextual. Sometimes it can be absolutely clear. Sometimes it can be very subtle. Though I could give 1000s of examples.

And the more we compromise ourselves to win the love of a romantic partner the less that that love is real. Because the person they think they love becomes more and more an unreal facsimile. A non existent middle man that they believe themselves to be in love with but actually stands between them and the person you really are.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123605092#Comment_123605092

Why would there be such a question? I would be someone who can change themselves voluntarily. Does having identity mean that identity can't change or grow?

Thank you for your suggestions/discussion.

Mo Ghile Mear

My heart goes out to you. Unrequited love is so hard to deal with. It’s a form of grief. Nothing anyone says seems to help.
Years ago I went for bereavement counselling when my mother died. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief and my gp recommended it. I found it was no help at all. The counsellor kept insinuating that there was something in my relationship with my mother that was preventing me from healing, maybe guilt or a childhood trauma etc. There wasn’t. I was just missing her terribly. I felt irritated and patronised rather than supported. Maybe that’s just me.

I think it must be the luck of the draw to find the right therapist, and it’s expensive to find you have to start all over with a new person.

Just on the holiday issue, don’t rule out going on a group holiday with like-minded strangers, e.g. hillwalking or similar. Many single people enjoy them immensely.

I hope you find peace of mind.

Mark Hamill

Sentences like that make it sound less like love and more like obsession.

Why? If you love someone, wouldn't you want to make them happy? And if it is something about you that makes them unhappy, wouldn't you at least consider changing it to make them happy?

I think the fact that I am in love with them makes me seem creepy to them already. I would like to talk to them to explain why I do, why it make so much sense to me to be in love with them. But just so they aren't inherently weirded out by me being in love with them. I know even if they completely accept that, that nothing must follow from them.

The goal of healthy escapes from intrusive thoughts and emotions however is not to make them simply go away and never return.

The goal however is to get away from them every so often.

I get what you are saying and would agree that healthy escapes are good for people to take up.

But, for me, whilst it is nice to put things down now and again, the break is not restful. What I mean is when I "pick up" the thoughts again, it's not like taking a rest day or two between workouts. The muscles don't feel rested.

If someone rejected me because I am not tall enough then my height is not something "wrong with me". It simply does not match the requirements of that one person.

Outside of specific gender attraction, people are very rarely specifically self-limiting to one specific attribute of a prospective partner, even if they think they are. Yes, a person might think that they would only ever be interested in prospective partner over a specific height, but if that prospective partner was otherwise attractive and charming enough (in the other ways that the person was interested in) then the person may be likely to overlook the height.

Another way to think of it is that people weigh you on scales calibrated to their own tastes. Someone might hold height as particularly heavy on that scales, and yes height is not something easily changed. But there are other things on that scale that can be changed, be they physical or personality-centric. If I was better, then they could see that I can change those things.

But making compromises and compromising ourselves are two different thing entirely, though using the exact same word and so sound like the same thing.

I know the difference. There are some things I cannot change about myself. And of the things I can change, I can change them quite a lot, because my values and preference is to make people happy. That is what makes me happy. I am quite passive by myself. I don't choose to do a lot, just for myself. I know I would have to change, to do more if I was in a relationship, I have had relationships before.

I agree with what you are saying here, but I don't believe it applies to me personally. I want them to get to know me and to see what I can offer them but I obviously hope that they could ultimately love me for me, for all that I can offer them whilst acknowledging the few things I can't. Lying to them, and myself, would not be real love. It wouldn't even be sustainable.

The Black Oil

Mod - This thread is more suited to Personal Issues, so I'm moving it there.

charlessmith22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123601253#Comment_123601253

Rejection is never nice but you're attaching your whole self worth into someone not liking you that way.

Have you ever met someone who likes you and they're great on paper but they just dont do it for you? It doesn't make them 'less than' or not good enough for someone else, it just means there's no chemistry there between you two.

In general though you're coming across extremely intense which is an unattractive quality to most suitors.

You're right to not move on right now while you're feeling this way but you do need coping strategies so you can eventually. Park your cynicism for a bit and just give in to the therepy process for a sustained period. It won't be an overnight change so making broad evaluations of its effectiveness after a few sessions isnt very wise.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123608729#Comment_123608729

Your second sentence here….. "If you love someone wouldnt you want to make them happy?" They said no, respecting that is what will make them happy, not begging, not changing yourself, not repenting, not obsessing.

Therapy works, any type of it, but you have to be open to it and right now you're not. You need a change in perspectives and priorities before you can allow any major change in your life.

Changing yourself for someone never works, changing due to growth and self healing does.

Mark Hamill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123643672#Comment_123643672

I love this person. By virtue of that alone, I would not be good enough for anyone else, no matter how happy they think they would be with me.

And if I could be good enough for some else, then why not for who I love? I am not good enough for a reason, or reasons. I belief I can change those reasons, or at least reassure them, if I understood all of them. And if I couldn't, then at least I would know.

How am I coming across intense? Because I have thought hard about the extent of my feelings? Why is that bad thing? Why is it better to treat any and all prospective suitors as completely interchangeable and personally unimportant? Is that really how people want to be treated? I know not all relationships need to start with both or either party being in love with the other, but I don't understand why it is bad if one is lucky enough to know before the start how they feel.