Something doesn't feel right

piston

Hello, I'm in my forties and I've had my share of mental health issues in the past and don't really have much dating or relationship experience. I am in a much better place now though and mostly happy and content with my life.

About a month ago, I randomly met a woman at a party I was at. I wasn't looking for anyone. She basically made it really obvious that she wanted me to ask her out. She is attractive and seemed pleasant so I thought why not and see what happens.

As it turned out, she lives quite close to me and as I was walking home, I walked her home too and we did go into a pub and I bought her a drink. She was really touchy-feely and in a way that was more than just being friendly. We agreed to meet again a few days later for a walk in the park.

It went well and we did kiss. As it was getting dark, we went to a pub for a while and we agreed to meet again.

We met twice in the evenings during the week in a pub and I invited her around to my flat last Sunday and we spent the evening together. We did get intimate. She made a big deal about how we are officially a couple now and need to be making plans. I think it is far too soon and not really comfortable.

She also wants me to change how I dress and because I am bald and have been for many years, she's suggesting some sort of treatment that apparently makes hair grow back. I don't like any of this and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I took her to the theatre during the week and we went for drinks afterwards and as always, she was making such obvious public displays of affection which I feel is a bit OTT.

She's asking when she can take me clothes shopping. I deliberately kept this weekend free so I can do my own thing and made excuses.

My gut instinct from the start was that something wasn't right. I'm not happy with her expecting us to be fully committed and making plans after only a few dates when we know little about each other. I'm not happy with her wanting me to buy a whole new wardrobe. Nobody else I ever tried to date wanted me to dress differently. I feel all the public displays of affection are just too much. Also, every time we went to pubs together, I've bought her drinks all the time. The first few times she had apologised that she'd left her purse at home, now she doesn't even make that excuse and will sit with empty glasses on the table until I give in and buy another round. Even after taking her to the theatre, since I supplied the tickets, I thought she might have bought the drinks at the interval but apparently no.

I've thought several times about ending it but always end up being won over by her flattery. Also because she's been telling everyone who will listen about how lovely I am and how lucky she is, I worry I will be seen as some sort of horrible ogre in my circle of friends if I end it.

It was initially fun and I was flattered but I have serious doubts about this and my gut instinct is to end it immediately, or am I overthinking?

osarusan

Trust your gut. Somebody trying to change how you behave/appear after such a short time (or ever really) is a huge red flag.

Looks like somebody found you who thinks they can turn you into the person they want to be in a relationship with.

Lauras5839

Absolutely trust your gut here, don't stay. If it's not feeling right then break it off and from what you've said she doesn't seem to be into you just as you are, she seems to want to change you into something you're not. She won't be happy, you definitely won't be.

If it's permission you need my friend then you have it. Break it off now for your own good.

NiceFella

You literally said nothing nice about her other than her fawning over you which is weird as well. I'd be out of that fairly quick in the same position.

CramCycle

It was initially fun and I was flattered but I have serious doubts about this and my gut instinct is to end it immediately, or am I overthinking?

It is fairly obvious you want to end it, so you should. Some men can put up with the personality she has shown for the sake of the other being attractive and the intimacy but in the end, you are just giving up time you could be out having a better time without her and to be honest, it already sounds like more hassle than the first few dates should be.

Tork

I can understand why part of you doesn't want to break up with her. Even if you aren't proactively trying to meet somebody, it feels so great when somebody new comes into your life. You've also moved into an age group where the dating pool is very different to what it was 20 years ago. It can be that bit harder to break up when you know you're heading back into singledom for who knows how long.

You already know that all of what you've described isn't quite right. Alarm bells are ringing and rightly so. She love bombed you to reel you in but already you've seen the less pleasant side of things. This will only get worse in my opinion. Also, the longer you stay with her the harder it will be to break up with her. I think you should break up with her in a public place with a friend nearby. I have the feeling that she won't take the news well and that there could be drama.

Princess Calla

You shouldn't be trying to change someone so soon into a relationship (or ever really)

Also you're not an ATM!

Nip this in the bud pretty much this weekend or else you'll be spending Christmas together!

HazeDoll

Sounds like she might be trying to make an ex jealous, or maybe some of her friends got engaged or had babies and she feels she has catching up to do. Something has spurred her to put things in overdrive.

Whatever you do, don't take any risks with contraception.

You know you want to break up with her. You don't have to explain that decision to anybody. If she asks for an explanation just say, "I really feel I'm not what you're looking for." Make it all about you instead of her. If you say "You're moving too fast," or "You're trying to take control of my appearance," you'll give her an opportunity to promise to change if you give her one more chance. If you fall for that she'll have you shopping for engagement rings in time for new years eve.

piston

Thank you to everyone who replied. It confirms my thoughts.

There was just a niggling doubt she might have been genuine and I was overthinking it.

Tork

Princess Calla: Nip this in the bud pretty much this weekend or else you'll be spending Christmas together!

Agreed. If you start putting this on the long finger you'll find yourself saying "I can't break up with her because it's too near Christmas". As soon as the Christmas cards leave the shelves, the Valentine's Day ones come in. Of course, you can't possibly break her heart with Feb 14 only a few weeks away. Add to that list her birthday/a significant family anniversary/unexpected family events and again, you'll find yourself making excuses. Has she mentioned holidays yet?

I've long since learned how important nipping something in the bud is. This is definitely one of those cases, because the longer you leave this, the harder it will be for you to walk. HazeDoll made a very good point too - don't for the love of god get her pregnant. She's in quite the hurry and babies could be next on the list.

Buddy Bubs

Talk to her about your concerns and see what happens before breaking up.

You like her but you're not happy being a project etc.....

Panthro

So many red flags. Run, run for your life!

Sono

this is mental, run a mile!

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122766687#Comment_122766687

I think this would be a massive mistake. Don't allow the conversation to leave her with the idea that there might be a future here. Decide what you're going to say and have a clear idea of how you're going to end the meeting.

You managed to pull this lady when you weren't even on the pull. Put yourself out there and you'll catch the eye of somebody who wouldn't change a thing about you and doesn't treat you like a sugar daddy.

Juwwi

the fact she sits there on nights out letting you buy all the drinks without offering is nearly enough to confirm shes not a nice person .

Purple Mountain

Oh dear, this is one massive red flag. And well done to you for realising it so fast OP.

I'm a similar age to you and one of the strengths I have is my gut feeling/intuition abilities. Very rarely has it been wrong. Of course there were times when I tried to ignore it or trick it but every time, that always came back to bite me in the behind, so be very thankful the scales have fallen from your eyes.

I usually think it's cowardly to break up with someone by a text in this instance, I think it would be wise. Plus after this short period of time, she's not your girlfriend. You've gone on a few dates.

The next time she messages you, be firm but polite.

Hi X. It's been nice getting to know you but I've been thinking about this and I'm not looking for anything romantic with someone at the minute. I wish you all the best in the future. Take care.

Don't engage if she comes back trying to reel you in.

It's perfectly OK to say no in life, if something is giving you bad vibes.

Your friends won't care either way! It's only been a few dates.

pgj2015

You are going to feel serious relief the second you end it with her. I remember going on a date with someone very similar, very bossy and tight, we got 2 taxis, she mentioned a few times about giving me money towards it but they were empty gestures and I knew it. I ghosted her and dont even feel bad about it.

mykrodot

OMG I agree with what everyone is saying here. Run, run, run, run….. do NOT give her the opportunity to say she'll change! Do not discuss this. Just say "this is not what I want right now, I was not looking for a committed relationship when we met, it was nice knowing you but this is as far as I can go".

Do not say "I really feel I am not what you're looking for" as she will turn around and say you are the love of her life, her rock, the man of her dreams!!

Just go, make it about you, you do NOT want a committed relationship right now. End of.

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like she REALLY wants a boyfriend. And she doesn't mind if he's not particularly what she's looking for, she can turn him into what she wants him to be. I'd let this one go. She might be better off finding someone who more closely fits what she's looking for rather than a project she can work on. The project will never end! There will always be something else you need to do, or not do.

I'd end this this weekend if I were you. Although I'd prepare for a battle. She's not going to let go easily.

JoChervil

I agree with the above. You do not exist in this situation. You are merely a provider and a male representation, which she wishes to mould into someone she needs. Your real you is not accepted here, so what's the point in continuing it? End it as soon as you can.

BTW, people who want to change others usually don't accept themselves, so she needs to focus on herself, not you.

AnneW777

I am a woman and I think that sounds insane. Cut your ties as soon as you can. Goodluck.

happyoutscan

Sounds like an awful person.

Don't even give it another day.

Dial Hard

I suspect there may be cultural differences at play here - not that it should make any difference to the OP's decision, the woman is clearly a complete gold-digger and has scented a vulnerable mark in the OP. May I ask if she’s Irish, Piston?

piston

No, she's not Irish.

I met her today to end it and she took me by complete surprise by being absolutely fine with it but wanting to stay as friends. I was expecting drama and in a way, I'd have preferred it to have just got everything out of the way.

In reality, we have friends and hobbies in common so we're always going to bump into each other anyway.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122768940#Comment_122768940

That's a relief but I'd be wary of being her friend. That could be her way to try wriggle back in.

For now, avoid situations where you know she will be to put some distance between.

tara73

this person is using/abusing you big time. the manipulation wanting you to change wardrobe to her liking and living of your purse is more than enough. don't stay friends with her either, it's just a way to continue her stunts and getting you to pay for even more things if you continue contact with this leech.

I hope you have the strength to cut her out completely. such people bring just misery. yes, they are flattering, but that's part of their cruel and inscrupilous character to use people and get what they want.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058377863/something-doesnt-feel-right

Be yourself. Your instincts are right. It'll get worse.

Enjoy being you.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122768940#Comment_122768940

Bumping into each other is one thing - but apart from bumping into each other in social situations that can’t be avoided there’s no need for an active friendship as she has shown herself to be selfish and manipulative. She might play the pity card next and ask for help with something and the next thing you know you find yourself stuck in a situation with a little less money in your pocket.
At least you realised and got out of there - you’ve got more experience now regarding red flags and how people should treat you, be more cautious next time. But well done for now.

Backstreet Moyes

What is a hair transplant a few grand.

A new wardrobe where I'm sure she is not thinking about Penney's.

All the nights out paying for two with the price of drink.

Thousands on someone you only just met, I think you made a good decision.

piston

She still messages me and suggests hanging out but I've declined.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122785770#Comment_122785770

Good call.

Respect yourself. You deserve to be happy.

Can be tough at the start, but you won't know yourself before long. In a good way.

Also, block, block, block!