Confronting A Childhood Bully

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033201#Comment_122033201

I think writing it down but NOT sending it would be a lot better than sending it, TBH.

Try writing it down and then tearing the letter up and throwing it away - apparently studies have shown that that is an effective way of getting rid of bad feelings.

The problem with confronting him, even by letter, is that you still have no control of how he will reply, and unless he's become a lovely person (which is a bit of a gamble) chances are that you won't get the reply you want.

Even if he doesn't reply, that will bother you too, as you'll be left waiting, and wanting to know how he feels about it. So I'd say, just don't.

You don't need to because the chances are that it wouldn't make you feel better and might make you feel worse.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033453#Comment_122033453

I mention it to kind of show I am not alien to people being bullied - or confronting bullies. But despite that experience (direct and vicarious) I would not generally recommend confrontation and certainly not retrospective confrontation.

I can reply and keep it short however:

1. Approached the kids father and offered to teach intro free lessons in my Jujitsu school. There this kid saw what my son is capable of. And has now stopped bullying anyone because if he sees my son watching him at all - he quickly backs down for fear of intervention.
2. Pretty much all the details here:
   https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121733663#Comment_121733663
3. Just a kid who has been trying to verbally get at my daughter and physically "up in her space" kind of thing. She's very calm and collected and not upset by this. And like my son above if he ever does try to get physical he will very quickly learn what she is capable of. But it reminded us of a book we read so she did some research and he is basically from a very poor family and is probably just angry at the world. So we started a project of building bikes for needy children. Went around Ireland with a van collecting old bikes. Her and her friends have been meticulously taking them apart and cleaning them with tooth brushes and oils and constructing new bikes from all the parts. The results will be donated to needy children. But the best one we plan to gift to her bully just like in the book she loved.

To keep it on topic - I believe if you can really understand whats going on with a given Bully you can lead them to stop and even apologize and see the error of their ways. But it's not easy and it can backfire or make things worse. So I generally do not recommend it.

But if the bullying has long stopped then I would be even slower to recommend it. Reopening old wounds at the risk of achieving nothing or even making it worse. The risk/benefit analysis of it simply does not track for me. Even less would I recommend the "sending a letter" approach or doing anything on line. Because that leaves the would be bully with something they can hold on to and keep and maybe use against you in other ways you might not even forsee. Anything real or electronic you put in their hands which they can keep - is a risk.

I would - in the same position as the OP - be more inclined to seek other avenues of closure. Counseling was recommended which I second. Mindfulness pursuits such as Vipassana can be beneficial (recommend the Waking up app myself especially as you can get it for free if you mail them and say you can't afford it right now). And Martial arts - especially live physical ones like BJJ - can address the feelings of helplessness we might be left with after bullying. And simply pursuing goals and a life you can be proud of so you can say "This is who I am and who I came to be DESPITE the crap some things and some people put me through" is a powerful thing.

Spiderjones

the time to confront him was 30 years ago

I realise that. Easier said than done, bigger stronger etc (Back Then). I think I did my best in not avoiding things just because of his presence and looking back that was something to be proud of.

Simplistically speaking seeing him has brought it all back, genuinely thought it was buried. Not forgotten, just buried. I don't actually have any expectations out of any potential encounter. I'd imagine it'd be laughed off or dismissed, I'm real about that part. I didn't have a voice or the physical capability to deal with it then. But have both now, so what I want really is just to get the words out and let him know how his behaviour and actions affected me. It may resonate, it may not.

Spiderjones

99% sure you have lived a much more enjoyable life since

I have, that's what's so annoying. I'm kinda mad at myself for letting it bother me based on a sighting.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033706#Comment_122033706

As I said I generally would not recommend confrontation especially retrospective confrontation. However that does not mean I never ever recommend it.

What you say about feeling you had no voice - or you had a voice and it was taken from you - and now you want to expunge that by showing you have a voice today even if you only show it to yourself - certainly resonates with me. If that truly is your motivation then while I still would not recommend retrospective confrontation I would also not be recommending against it either. I would say it's entirely your call.

But I would still be recommending all kinds of caution. Is this justified compulsion to use that voice strong enough to mediate for the risks here. The risks that said person will start some new direct or indirect campaign against you or someone you know (ref: his previous sexual comment about your girlfriend or ref: he lives near your parents who are now elderly and vulnerable)? Or the risks he will laugh in your face and derive genuine joy from the idea you have been obsessing over him for years as he walks away smug and tells all his mates about it down the pub next Friday? And so on.

If the worst case scenarios are something you have considered openly and honestly and you still want to feel you have a voice - by all means go for it if it is something you really do need to do. But is it? I suspect it's not actually as important as it might feel in this moment right now while the wound has been reopened and emotions are high.

You can take all the advice on this thread so far including counseling - and let time pass. If you must initiate any kind of confrontation you can do that as easily in 6 or 12 months as you can today.

And who knows in that time passing in a bar or in the street like you already did before - perhaps HE will initiate before you do in a positive way that gives you some closure - or a negative way which gives you a moral high ground.

But if you insist on it then I would still recommend against doing it with a letter or electronically with something that can be kept and used against you in ways you might not even for see until he does it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033779#Comment_122033779

I would not judge myself so harshly if I were you. Parts of the human brain are good at time. So good that in fact we can easily assume the entire brain should be good at it.

But it does not work that way. Aspects of the human brain are independent of time. Especially things with any link to any kind of trauma.

And as such a stimulus of any kind has the potential to make something from our distant past be as real and as in the moment as if it only happened this morning. I might think I am over the grief of the loss of a girl who I know who died when I was 15. But I might catch the whiff of some scent that she wore now 30 years later and I am right back in those moments remembering the last time I held her or the day I was informed she was gone.

Our brain is our best friend and our worst enemy. And it let's us down in some interesting ways and we can be angry at ourselves for that or feel we must be weak or wrong or flawed.

So never be angry at yourself for the memories your brain dumps on you or the way you feel or the way things make you feel. Judge yourself instead on what you DO WITH those feelings and memories as they arise. Your emotions and responses do not define you. What you do WITH them does.

Bogroll2003

I think it sounds like you really need to talk to someone who can help you get over this.

30 Years is far too long to carry this with you.

Do you have any other issues going on and might be projecting all your negative feelings about things onto this one?

Will a "I'm sorry, I don't remember you, now do you mind if I finish my pint in peace" make you feel better!

You are giving him all the power by expecting him to soothe your wounds. Healthy adults don't do that, young children do. We are responsible for our own healing.

Sorry, put your big boy pants and live your best life. Ignore him and move on.

Spiderjones

But I would still be recommending all kinds of caution. Is this justified compulsion to use that voice strong enough to mediate for the risks here. The risks that said person will start some new direct or indirect campaign against you or someone you know (ref: his previous sexual comment about your girlfriend or ref: he lives near your parents who are now elderly and vulnerable)? Or the risks he will laugh in your face and derive genuine joy from the idea you have been obsessing over him for years as he walks away smug and tells all his mates about it down the pub next Friday? And so on.

As for the sexual comment, I believe it was a throwaway remark. The type of thing that naturally came to him. I didn't have any fear about that then actually occurring. That's just the type of crap he would come out with.

The folks live a few blocks away and yes they're elderly now. I don't fear he'd wage any campaign on them to be honest. To cast a little bit of light, he was a nasty bit of work when we were kids. But from what I've seen, seems to have slotted into society in adult life, family, employed, two cars in the garden and when I spotted him looked like there was a cordial conversation going on with a neighbour. Just as I've gotten on with my own life, looks like he has too. And yeah a great chance none of what happened means anything to him.

Our brain is our best friend and our worst enemy. And it let's us down in some interesting ways and we can be angry at ourselves for that or feel we must be weak or wrong or flawed.

So never be angry at yourself for the memories your brain dumps on you or the way you feel or the way things make you feel. Judge yourself instead on what you DO WITH those feelings and memories as they arise. Your emotions and responses do not define you. What you do WITH them does.

Thanks a million for the detailed advice, really appreciate it. As you can tell I'm in a bit of conflict with this mentally for now that's why I'm rationalising things and valuing all your opinions. I'm not rushing into anything, including counselling. I'll give it a week or two and see if the feelings pass.

30 Years is far too long to carry this with you

Just to be clear, I haven't been carrying this for 30 years. It was painful at the time, but was largely forgotten about.

Do you have any other issues going on and might be projecting all your negative feelings about things onto this one?

No

Furze99

I had a hard time from one particular lad in national school and was quite glad to move on into secondary into a different school. Never saw him or his sidekick brother again but if I think of them now, I just despise them. And quite happy to leave it at that.

Alexus25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033706#Comment_122033706

I can definitely feel your hurt in your words 😥🤗

I wonder if you noticed him bullying others where it wasn't soley just to you

HildaOgdenx

I think you would find counselling beneficial OP.
The attached link from the Psychology forum should help in finding one that suits you.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2057956018/how-to-find-help-a-counsellor-therapist-psychologist

Penn

The best revenge is a life well lived.

You're already pretty sure you're living a better life than him. Nothing good can come from confronting him, because even if he somehow apologises, it won't undo what happened. And to be honest, it doesn't sound like he's going to apologise.

I understand seeing him again has brought all that pain back to the forefront, but if you let it keep affecting you, then he's still bullying you. Right now you're suffering from pain from 30+ years ago. Confronting him about it now, you're more likely to create new hurt from now, and still not resolve the old pains. Focus on improving your own life and living a better life than he ever could. That's your revenge.

Spiderjones

I wonder if you noticed him bullying others where it wasn't soley just to you

I did, but it seemed to be an isolated instance here and there. Whereas I was zoned in on for whatever reason over a sustained period of time.

@HildaOgdenx Thanks for that link.

Seems to be a good consensus of leaving well enough alone and exploring the Counselling route.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033779#Comment_122033779

You shouldn't be mad at yourself at all. All you did was develop a way of coping with it that would mean you could live a decent life. It's natural with any kind of trauma in your past that something will happen in the future that will bring it all back. You're not by any means alone with that, and it's not a sign of your strength of character. You're not sitting at home mulling over it for no reason, you saw the guy who caused you so much grief- if it didn't impact you that would be a bit of an eye brow raiser.

Chances are this latest 'flare up' if you like will fade, if you do nothing. What you're feeling now will pass, whether you go to counselling or not. But if you're visiting your folks and he lives close to them, a constant in your face reminder of what he did could be a lot to manage.

Spiderjones

Chances are this latest 'flare up' if you like will fade, if you do nothing. What you're feeling now will pass, whether you go to counselling or not. But if you're visiting your folks and he lives close to them, a constant in your face reminder of what he did could be a lot to manage.

Actually you've now brought up something I've completely overlooked, and could be at the very core of how I feel now. He's not too far from my folks. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that I will run into him. I go for walks with the parents and sometimes in the summer take the kids to the local park or other places in the area. When the weather is good we always walk. I certainly won't change anything there - but perhaps that's why it's been on my mind, there's a chance it could naturally happen. I've just been clouded with rage the past couple of weeks, I genuinely never stopped to think I could actually run into the guy.

csirl

I dont see any point in confronting hin or sending a letter - more likely to go wrong than go right. You're also making yourself dependent on him to respond.

You need to take control of the situation yourself. That he now lives in an area you frequent is now a problem for him as you and your friends/family have a bad opinion of him.

Chances are your paths will meet now and then going forward. I would be dismissive of him. If anyone raises his name in conversation, say that you went to school with him and he wasnt nice to people. Give a couple if examples if you"re asked how e.g. he used to pin people down, he was foul mouthed - would tell people he'd r*** their girlfriends.

Dont tell people he did this to you as you're personalising it. Describe the behaviour and keep it third party.

His past behaviour is then a problem for him, which he'd have to acknowledge if he wants to fully integrate in the area.

witchgirl26

OP I can somewhat relate. I was bullied horribly at the end of primary school. It was all phsycological but very bad. It was primarily in school but she lived near me so never really ended.

My first question would be - what would you hope to gain from the confrontation? Life isn't a movie so there's unlikely to be any massive apology or similar. And the truth is simply, he may not be able to give you any of the answers you are seeking.

I'd agree with other posters about seeing a therapist about what happened. I only dealt with my own experience years later when dealing with another trauma that led me to therapy.

I see my old bully a fair bit as her family still live near my parents house. Before I dealt with it, I used to dread possibly bumping into. Now I can honestly say I feel nothing towards her. No anger, no hate. Literally nothing. I still hate thinking about what happened back then but I think that will always be the case. I do see her every so often but it doesn't affect me. That's why I think that therapy can be great. I hope you can get to the same place.

Spiderjones

My first question would be - what would you hope to gain from the confrontation? Life isn't a movie so there's unlikely to be any massive apology or similar. And the truth is simply, he may not be able to give you any of the answers you are seeking.

I'm sorry to hear about your own experience and glad the counselling helped out.

I've absolutely zero expectations from his side of any potential confrontation. As others have pointed out, most likely would be met with hostility or nonchalance. There's always a slim slim possibility that something constructive could happen but you're heading into really small odds there.

I would love an overall answer, but also know that is very unlikely. So it's more about me saying it, having my couple of minutes or seconds and whether it's accepted in the moment or not it's been said and it might seep in there. There may be a realisation, there may not but there's times over the last couple of weeks that I genuinely think it'd be worth it.

Ballygowen

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122030421#Comment_122030421

I hate this cliche that the bully has to be being bullied by someone else, it’s complete BS. You’re probably saying it to make the OP feel better. Kids who bully do it because they can, out of boredom or for amusement. Was there ever a time in your life you got amusement out of someone else’s misfortune? And if so, was it only because someone else was bullying you around that time in your life?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122034307#Comment_122034307

You know you're under no obligation to be pleasant to the guy though right? He's the one who should be concerned about bumping in to someone he treated so disgracefully.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122034843#Comment_122034843

But why do you feel the need to say it? He either hasn't thought about it since (which wouldn't be great to hear that something that was so impactful for you didn't register as much with him) or else he has & is embarrassed & ashamed of his actions. He still might not admit that though - people don't always like admitting their faults publicly. At the end of it, you're still seeking something from him here, even if it's just the giving you some time. You need to try to move away from this because what if he won't listen? Or is as much of an arse still? You're going to come away feeling worse or deflated & again doesn't help you.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122036975#Comment_122036975

This 100%. Flat out ignore him. Give him no more of your time or attention. There is no requirement to acknowledge him at all, even if you're out walking or anything.

Spiderjones

But why do you feel the need to say it?

Because I was degraded, shamed, humiliated and all those feelings have come back, when I seen him I felt what I felt when I was 12/13. I do logically know that it was decades ago but am realising it did effect me longer term even if I didn't think about it really in the intervening years. It feels like unsettled business as ridiculous as that sounds - I know some will say get over it etc but I'm reckoning those that say that weren't held down and had grass rammed down their throats until it felt like you couldn't breath.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122032909#Comment_122032909

I was bullied from age of about 8 to 18.

I vehemently disagree with you on counselling. I have gone to counselling and it has been extremely helpful.

It's obvious the OP had tried to move on but still deep down was holding onto past trauma. In that respect I don't feel your easy solution of erasing the past is workable for the op.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033706#Comment_122033706

He may not even remember any of your experiences at all if you spoke to him. That could potentially also traumatise you too.

Kurooi

Say you were to approach him, is there any outcome that would make you feel better? Satisfy you?

It could go down a range of ways, he could brush you off, he could dismiss you rudely and tell you off, he could tell you he doesn't remember, he could remember you but didn't see it as bullying or blocked that memory out , he could dismiss his actions from teenage years as irrelevant, he could apologize insincerely , or he could apologize from the bottom of his heart, you could start a fight. Does any scenario give you closure?

I think the most likely scenario is a load of nothing to be honest. A counselor could help, if they recommend confrontation at least they can guide you on how to do that right. You could hurt yourself all the more.

Anaki r2d2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122038876#Comment_122038876

That's the wonderful thing about opinions. They are all different and our own. Unless your opinion/feeling is more valuable than mine?

baldbear

It would break my heart to see my son bullied like you were. I 100% understand how this bullying has stayed with you.

Don't confront this bully. If they had any decency in them they would have made the move to reach out to you and apologise,maybe around the time they had kids and realised what a horrible shite they were.

Or you could bundle them into the boot of your car and bring them up the mountains (bad joke)

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122038825#Comment_122038825

I can wholeheartedly appreciate it and how horrible it is to have it all come back but that doesn't equate with having to confront him over it. Again we're back to what would you expect the outcome of that confrontation to be? Because realistically there is nothing your old bully could say or do to change what happened or how it made you feel. If he apologizes, does that suddenly make it better? And what if, worst case scenario, he is still the same & makes comments again? Do you come away feeling worse than you did when you first saw him?

The "unsettled business" is within yourself at this point. You need to talk about it with someone and come to terms with what happened and possibly how it's affected you unconsciously in the intervening years. But there is nothing that that person can offer you that would bring some kind of magical closure or make it ok. Only you can do that for your own piece of mind.

I'm not saying "get over it". I'm saying, get help for yourself to move past it. And no I was never held down like that - that is horrific. But I was completely isolated from 99% of people in my class in school & made to feel like I didn't deserve anything at all & that I was worthless so I can understand.