Confronting A Childhood Bully

Spiderjones

Going anon for this one but would appreciate some opinions. I can't ask for advice without giving a flavour of what went on but at the same time I'll try not to dramatize or cover every little incident.

I had a dreadful experience with a bully when I was a kid - roughly between the ages of 12-13. I'm not just talking about name calling here. Physical abuse, I was beaten up several times by the individual, held down and made eat grass amongst other things. There was taunting too and lots of it, he'd take any opportunity to ridicule me especially if there was an audience.

I had my heart set on joining a football team in the area which had just set up - I began to enjoy the sport and I thought it'd do something for my confidence , as I'd never been bullied up until that point. When I went down to train on the first day lo and behold my boy was there. My parents thought it was best to not join, to look for something else but I wouldn't be dissuaded. What followed was 5/6 months of pure torture. It didn't matter what approach was taken, managers tried their best, parents had words but it got worse if anything and I never developed, getting fewer and fewer minutes on the pitch as the season wore on. I decided to quit myself one day, I'd put the head down and gotten on with it but eventually couldn't take anymore. In theory it wasn't the worst thing but on the day in question we were running training drills where from a crouching position you had to get up and sprint to a marker. We were lined up for this, when I got up my tormentor stuck his leg out completely blindsiding me and I fell flat on my face - I couldn't get my hands out in time to break the fall. The fall didn't hurt so much, this will sound corny but it was the laughter from the rest of his cohort. I can still feel the sting of the tears when I think about it.

After quitting the team, I never looked back really. I only encountered him once during the rest of my teens and when we passed each other he called me a "Fa^^ot" and told me that if I'd anything to say in response he'd "Ra&e" my then girlfriend. Charming. I can honestly say I've never been bullied again, I've never let it happen. Even in my professional career, I had once instance where it came close but I took steps to nip it in the bud.

The initial period of bullying was now 30 years ago approx. Recently enough I was at my folks place and as I was driving to their house spotted my tormentor. After making some enquires through friends found out he bought a house in the area. This was 3-4 weeks ago and since then I can't get the bullying from all those years ago off my mind. I've largely not thought about it over the years and any pain from it had faded or so I thought. But now I feel like it all happened last week. I'm wondering if it's because I have kids of my own and would hate for something similar to happen to them? Whatever the reason I've obviously got psychological scars from it.

Something else which bugged me about spotting him is that he seems to be really out of shape - but that fact pleased me greatly. That's not me at all. And the notion that I should go confront him has since entered my mind and I think about that a couple of times a day. I would not be afraid of him in the slightest now but would love to ask one thing, why?

I'm (usually) rational, so I realise it's a bad idea. I'm just looking to draw on the experience of others that have potentially gone through the same thing. Or perhaps hear from someone that's confronted a childhood bully?

I know there's great power in letting go of things but maybe to do that seeing a counsellor could be necessary, given that the issue to my mind is a few weeks old it could be a feeling that passes again so for now any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

NiceFella

Don't go anywhere near that would be my advice. You're happy in your own skin now and past it. You don't need that animosity close to home.

You won't get any sensible answers either. The chap could have been bullied at home, you wouldn't know what the story was. If you see him, just blank him. That's what I'd do

dickdasr1234

Please consider counselling.

A month is a long time to be carrying such stuff around.

Past traumas can run deep, especially if we don't recognise them as such.

Ted222

I’d second the recommendation to see a counsellor.

No point in confronting the individual. Even if he could give you a comprehensive answer as to why he picked on you, you’re no better off. The impact it had on you is no less serious as a consequence.

I suspect the feelings you’re now experiencing are perfectly normal, raising issues from your past that you thought were gone. It’s a lot to now process. A couple of counselling sessions would help you deal with it.

Goodigal

Don't approach him and ask him why. He won't be able to give you an answer you're satisfied with.

But do try talk to someone professionally about your feelings, and how seeing him transported you back to those awful times. They might be able to help you move past these feelings.

Spiderjones

Thanks everyone, really just confirming that some counselling is warranted, which is hopefully what I got across in my OP, that some of the feelings/thoughts I'm having are unnatural for me.

Still happy to hear from anyone else that may have gone through similar, whether they tackled a bully or took the counselling option. Always good to draw on similar experiences.

pc7

In your adult sensible mind you expect a rational answer and apology, its likely you won't get that. As others have said it was a rotten time, you might need to process it and a therapist could be really helpful in doing that. Best of luck op

Spiderjones

Thanks a million, appreciate all of your understanding in respect to this.

RossGeller

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122030365#Comment_122030365

I disagree with what everyone else here is saying, I would confront him. You'll feel better (if you do it right, if you go in guns blazing you won't feel good)

The important thing is to keep your cool when talking to him and mention the bullying. If he starts acting the same way as he did in the past you can walk away.

yourdeadwright

As terrible as it was for you & as much as it has stayed with you, You can bet your bottom dollar that bloke went through much worse hence why he was taking it out on you ,

If i was you id be thinking poor sod couldn't handle his own life that he had to take out his frustrations on me , So one he had a shite life or two he was able to cope with his life,

You where both kids its gone, learn from it and move on, i wouldn't bother bringing it up & if you ever do meet just pretend nothing happened, Its been 30 years you both have been serverly different people since then ,

Alexus25

Firstly, I'm so sorry this happened to you, it sounds like an extremely traumatic time in your life

Secondly that doesn't sound corny at all, physical wounds can heal more simplistically compared to our emotions/ego/pride. In fact, although the brain does not process emotional pain and physical pain identically, research on neural pathways suggests there is substantial overlap between the experience of physical and social pain. The cascading events that occur and regions activated in our brains - and therefore our reactions to the acute pain - appear to be similar. So your response at the time to feeling humiliated is valid.

Thirdly, that guy sounds potentially unhinged and dangerous, If he did that to you as a kid, what is he capable of as an adult, I would avoid

Fourthly, I think talking through your problems with a trained professional is a good idea. Psychotherapists/counsellors/ Psychologists- theres no protected title meaning anyone can call themselves a therapist without the necessary qualifications as you don't need to be registered with a protected body, so be cautious, I'd recommend using your EAP scheme in your workplace which entitles you to 6 free counselling sessions with a qualified therapist.

Lastly, I was bullied, verbally for a few months in secondary school (and verbally for a few years in primary school), it got particularly bad in secondary school though, i had suicidal thoughts but thankfully that peer was in a different class to me the following years so i didnt see her or a few others as much,and I never confronted the bullies, I remember seeing one years later after a night out on the town, she acted like nothing had happened and smiles, maybe she forgot or didn't realise the impact it had on me but i just responded with an angry face and she looked surprised with my response🤷‍♀️ I got pleasure knowing they all got pregnant while in school so for me that was karma well served, I think it's normal to hold a grudge and want that feeling of justice/revenge realised

I remember one moment, I engaged in verbally bullying another peer, (not proud of that), at the time i dont think i was fully aware of what i was doing (think it was low self esteem) and lucky to have another peer confront me on it,years later I contacted the peer to apologise and thankfully she accepted my apology

One exercise may be write down what you would like to say to this person,then either keep the paper or burn it, the exercise is just for you to release and process your thoughts and feelings

Best of luck whatever you decide to do

Sonic the Shaghog

Its completely normal to feel everything you are feeling. Don't do anything just give yourself weeks to process it. It's a shock in itself almost.

One thing I will say. When he was capable of coming out saying he'd rape your girlfriend I don't see him being the type that had an epiphany and being full of regrets about his behaviour.

If I'm being honest should you confront him, unless it entails beating the daylights outta him you are probably going to go back to square one. He'll most likely laugh in your face and start taunting all over again like when ye were kids. So you've to be prepared to go back to that.

Very possibly even be the type to start anti social behaviour to your parents place too.

So that's something to consider.

Hannibal_Smith

It's completely understandable that seeing him again has knocked you for six and brought you right back. The temptation to confront him and ask him why must be overwhelming. But before you do anything, i would consider the counselling route. For the simple reason that, you can't manage what his reaction will be, but with the right backing and tools from counselling you can manage how much it impacts you if you do decide to approach him.

marilynrr

It's very normal to feel like this even a month later, you haven't seen him in so long, and you said you have kids yourself now also, if your kids are close to the age you were when this happened then that can really magnify it.

I know with a lot of my past trauma that I buried that it tended to resurface when my eldest turned those ages, I think it's because you see just how young they are, and then you think just how young you were and then you really see just how bad the experience was and how it should never have happened.

And then you saw your tormenter too after a long time of this being buried. It was a serious trauma even though you obviously moved on from it and didn't think it been affecting you day to day. So I think your response to this is very normal.

I probably wouldn't confront him at this stage because it's possible he will laugh at you or be dismissive and you might end up feeling like that little kid again because of the psychological scars. Even if he's ashamed of his past and is sorry, some people can't deal with shame at all and rather than acknowledge it they'll become defensive and make things even worse.

If you're thinking of going to see a counsellor maybe tell yourself that if you still feel like confronting this man after you've been to counselling that you can do it then. The option will always be there. And if you do want to confront him it may be helpful to already be in counselling and to have established that relationship so that you can then deal with the aftermath in counselling.

Hamachi

Agree with others OP. Do not confront him. You will not get the closure that you desire. If anything, you’re giving that person the opportunity to inflict another wound.

The best revenge is living well. Try to banish him from your thoughts. Easier said than done, I know.

3 Owls in a Coat

I was bullied from baby infants to leaving cert - I was an easy target - I was short, skinny, sort of a funny looking little redhead and I got it in the ear from essentially the same group of girls for years.
Happily, I was massively independent and most of extracurricular activities were entirely separate from school peers so apart from feeling a bit sad, it mostly bounced off me. I also had fabulous and hugely supportive parents.

Now, it my adult years our paths are crossing in both social and professional circles and I can say with absolute certainty is that once a bully, always a bully. And bully parents raise bully children. It’s a rotten circle.

You won’t get the closure you need by confronting him. You need to find a way to deal the grief you feel for your younger self or learn to live with it.

Anaki r2d2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122032799#Comment_122032799

As this wise person above said. Enjoy life. Erase the "person" from your mind.

I would not be one for throwing money at counselling. 30 years ago is a long time ago

Your own kids will have their own dick heads to cope with. Your life experiences will help them.

Hamachi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122032876#Comment_122032876

Bullied the entire way through both primary and secondary school must have been appalling. Glad to hear you’ve come out the other side relatively unscathed. Must be exasperating having to engage with those people as an adult.

3 Owls in a Coat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122032912#Comment_122032912

It was the 80s. When I told my mother - every single time she told me to just ignore them. In my memory she never once said a bad word against those girls. She did praise me every time for all of my accomplishments and wins. I suppose her interest was in building and growing a good little human rather than pointing out the failings of other children. I would view that the OP making it to adulthood with a good heart is a positive. This OP will have a great empathy for other people who are bullied and can possibly help heal themselves by maybe being there for somebody else. Another poster said that nobody knows what kind of house the bully came out of - it could be far worse than the offer it had on the OP. I really feel for children in these situations.

dbas

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058347306/confronting-a-childhood-bully

You were better than him then and better than him now.

Try counselling if it fits ya, but I reckon don't confront him. Repressed rage could potentially result in you hurting him badly. He likely has kids of his own. Would you do that in front of them- leave that with them for 30 years like you have had?

Sounds like you don't fear him any more. He'll see that in you if you bump into him by chance.

evolvingtipperary101

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. The feelings you're experiencing are common for unresolved trauma that resurfaces, especially when triggered by an unexpected reminder like seeing your former bully.

Confronting him might not provide the closure you're hoping for. In such a situation you're giving him an opportunity to make an impact on you again - whether good or bad. Why should he get this opportunity?
Instead, it might be more beneficial to seek counseling to help you process these feelings and find healthier ways to move forward. Therapy can offer insights and tools to manage these old wounds and can also help ensure you’re well-equipped to support your children against similar experiences.

Channeling your energies into positive activities that reinforce your sense of self-worth and spending time with supportive friends and family can also be helpful. You’ve shown remarkable strength in getting past the bullying, and seeking support is a step towards healing.

This might read corny but I think it holds a lot of truth:
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."

dickdasr1234

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122032909#Comment_122032909

I think a month of attempting to process it on his own has not brought much joy to the OP.

A good counsellor will provide a safe space for him to explore the issue.

'Throwing' money at counselling is a poor choice of words.

3DataModem

Thanks for sharing OP. I absolutely feel for you.

Spiderjones

Overwhelmed by all the good advice! And for those that shared their own experiences thank you. My own experience thankfully was mercifully short in comparison to some of the longer experiences described here.

I'll pick a few points out and respond.

"One exercise may be write down what you would like to say to this person,then either keep the paper or burn it, the exercise is just for you to release and process your thoughts and feelings"

Never mentioned that in the OP but it's something that's been in the mix. I also thought of writing a letter given I now know the address but I would prefer to do things in person. A letter is great because you've control over what's said, so get to cover everything. Opposed to an in person meeting which many have pointed out could go any way.

you can't manage what his reaction will be, but with the right backing and tools from counselling you can manage how much it impacts you if you do decide to approach him.

No, I can't manage his reaction. And wouldn't expect that I'd be invited into the house for a cup of tea. But it'd be more about looking him in the eye and telling him what a piece of shi* he was and how his behaviour affected me. I have to say again, I do realise no good can come of a meeting, it's simply the torment my mind is in at the minute.

Another poster said that nobody knows what kind of house the bully came out of - it could be far worse than the offer it had on the OP. I really feel for children in these situations.

That's actually something that perplexed me then and now decades later. The family seem ok - looking from the outside in. Definitely seemed to have more in terms of materialistic things, holidays luxuries and comforts, which is why this persons level of anger always puzzled me. As a child you think other families are perfect, as an adult you understand that all isn't always as rosy as it seems. But yeah, the parents seemed "OK" and the siblings were really nice. Just him. But you'd never know what it was like behind closed doors.

You were better than him then and better than him now

I was physically weaker than my peers at 12/13. Everyone else was taking a stretch and I was left behind in terms of height and weight, but there was obviously a resilience in me especially joining that team with him on it. So looking back I do realise I was better than him back then.

 He likely has kids of his own. Would you do that in front of them- leave that with them for 30 years like you have had?

I know he has at least one, part of me would love his family to know what a pri*k he was. Though it's been mentioned that maybe this is still the way he is. And no, as much as I've enjoyed the fantasy of it I wouldn't like to cause a scene, verbal or physical in front of his family despite everything.

dbas

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033201#Comment_122033201

Another thing to remember, is that this is a child's reaction to seeing him. This is not 'current you' reacting. This is adolescent you from 30 years back when you were vulnerable.

Misplaced fear and rage from times long past.

Those times have passed....…

taxAHcruel

I helped my son sort out a bully awhile ago to the point that said bully does not bully anyone any more, let alone my son. And we did it in a very simply above board and even constructive way.

I also confronted and sorted out a gang of boys who were bullying and intimidating little old ladies and others at a kind of "short cut" location near where I live. Again it was quite constructive and the method and the result were both very positive.

And currently I am working with my daughter on executing an approach on a bully she has comically "acquired" of late. Which we are going to be doing by - long story short here - gifting him a bike.

All that said I would in general be very strongly in the "Do not confront" camp retrospectively on a Bully from a long time ago. If it was current sure. But decades old I would generally not advise it.

The reason for this would be rooted mostly in the fact that there are any number of 100s of ways such a confrontation can play out. And of those 100s or even 1000s of ways there is probably only 1 or 2 that would bring any satisfaction or closure to the OP. It feels a bit like that scene in the Avengers Infinity War where Dr. Strange looks at all the millions of possible futures and identifies a single ONE where the good guys win.

Many of the 1000s however make things worse not better. What if the bully "goes for" the OP? What if he laughs in his face? What if he laughs "Oh my god I must really have hit your nerves if you are still obsessing over me decades later!" and walks off all smug and happy with himself? What if this bully reignites his campaign of making the OPs life miserable? There are so many things such a person could do or say that are going to make things better not worse.

The idea that you will get the Dr. Strange result where the bully admits their fault - explains their reasons - it all makes sense and gives the OP closure is just unlikely. It happens. I know it does for sure. I have even heard stories where the bully and their victim end up fast friends after such closure is reached.

But my gut and anecdotal feeling is it's much more the exception than the rule and I simply feel that the probability of a null or negative result far outweighs that of a positive outcome.

Anaki r2d2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033435#Comment_122033435

You should start a thread and elaborate on the first two paragraphs. How did you do that? Would be keen to hear the approach taken. Or here if the OP permits.

Spiderjones

You should start a thread and elaborate on the first two paragraphs. How did you do that? Would be keen to hear the approach taken. Or here if the OP permits.

Definitely worth hearing about but would prefer if it was split out into another topic.

893bet

Jesus the opening post is enough to make me angry reading it; can only imagine your burden.

Kids can be so cruel. But ye were all kids; including your tormentors.

I doubt he knows they “why”. The why is likely trauma that individual was carrying his own from upbringing.

Hard to see a confrontational giving you closure. It’s not going to go like a US teen movie.

In a confrontation would him saying sorry give you closure? Unlikely.

Or him telling you “ah **** we were kids” give you closure? Unlikely.

You have feathered your own nest at this point. Past is the past and it made you who you are.

893bet

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122033435#Comment_122033435

great post. What ever the OP imagines will happen in a confrontation is unlikely to play out that way. There are 20 ways it’s back fires and probably none where they really feel better.

Sunny Disposition

It's frustrating in a way, but probably best not to approach him. I'd agree it'd be a good idea to get some counselling, it sounds like pretty severe bullying.

It's no consolation to you and no excuse, but if he was beating up kids and making rape threats, he was definitely in a very bad place himself. And possibly still is.