Partner speaking her language to our baby 24/7

aulddanser

Im feeling alienated and pushed or left out of the family , since my partner started speaking Czech to our boy ever day,

I don’t understand her language so I feel left out . Unless I ask a question or she does we rarely talk or communicate now, I feel like I’m being left out,

am I over reacting or being shellfish for feeling or thinking this , I’ve said it to her and I was told it my problem I should think of a solution , which I said can you not talk less Czech and more English so we can converse,

That was shut down pretty quickly,

I’d like him to be multilingual but he’s 9month and the 24/7 isn’t doing my head any good , or our relationship as we don’t talk as much anymore ,

StevenToast

Time for you to learn Czech.

Donald Trump

Duolingo

Why don't you just learn it? The kid will be fluent in it in 2 years. Why can't you?

Your broken Czech attempts will probably annoy her enough to start speaking English to you

Duke of Schomberg

"or being shellfish" . . . perhaps that's the problem? and it's time to "czech out" of the relationship.

Counter attack - come back with with some "as gaelige", if you can't speak it just leave the baby exposed to TG4 output (if you can stand that tosh).

Seriously . . .

At the end of the day, if she wants to speak Czech what can you do? Other than perhaps ask yourself, why she's doing that. Is it just because she's worried her child will grow up as Irish without an understanding/attachment to his Czech routes?? Sorry to pose this, but is this a sign/signal[sic] that your relationship is dead?? . . .

mulbot

My wife has spoken her language to our 2 children since birth, we both wanted it that way. Children are fluent in both (really handy when we go visit, children can find friends so easily, etc). It's helped me too, I'm not remotely fluent in the other language but can converse a bit and understand alot better. We've also noticed they find learning other language(s) alot easier - not sure why, just an observation, I 100% recommend the children learning both parents language

aulddanser

I do want him to be bi lingual , it’s the constant 24/7 it getting to me , it’s like I’m not in the room sometimes , I know she’s talking silly things as he’s young , but we can’t converse in anything, it’s only a questions and answers dialogue,

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121998757#Comment_121998757

As the guys said above, learn the language. You've a perfect opportunity to.

Dial Hard

If you're living here then your child is going to grow up *completely* immersed in the English language. Your wife is simply trying to carve out a small joint cultural space for her and your son before his surroundings take over. That you're jealous of that is a bit weird, if I'm being completely honest.

Esel

A lot of mixed-language parents do this. The child becomes totally bilingual, which is a good thing, imo.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121998826#Comment_121998826

Yeah, but it's more than that according to the OP. He feels frozen out by her as well, so it's more than just the issue with the baba. But this is always the risk/ opportunity I guess with two people from different cultures and with different languages.

kirving

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121998826#Comment_121998826

It might not be right - but it's certainly not weird.

Fathers feeling left out after the birth of a child, is an incredibly common occurrence. Even if the child's mother is doing her level best to be inclusive of the fathers, she only has so much attention to go around, and it's now split in two. Invalidating the OP's feelings as "weird" is a very poor response tbh.

The other side of it may very well be that the OP's partner is intentionally excluding him, at best just so she has some shared culture with her child, or at worst as she plans to leave the country with her baby. We don't know the truth.

@aulddanser The language issue is either the cause of a clear rift in your relationship, or the symptom of one. It needs to be solved very quickly before any further resentment builds up, on either side.

The fact that your partner is not really willing to discuss it could be that you've approached it in a way she views as negative (ie: you haven't bothered to learn Czech), or that she isn't receptive of your thoughts for another reason. It may simply be a sign of temporary postnatal depression.

Whatever the reason, the fact your child is in the middle means that by default it's a serious issue. I'd strongly suggest that you speak to a relationship councilor, together to air your feelings, and hers, with some moderation and guidance. You're not weird.

https://www.newsweek.com/two-thirds-new-dads-feel-left-out-early-days-parenting-1701107

28064212

At the moment, you're talking to your child in English 100% of the time, and your wife is talking to them in Czech 100% of the time. That sounds pretty balanced. If you want your wife to decrease her Czech proportion, up your Czech share

SuperBowserWorld

"Unless I ask a question or she does we rarely talk or communicate now,"

Communication and/or other problem(s), not a language problem.

iniscealtra

Her speaking Czech to the child is how the child will become billingual. Otherwise it will be an English speaking household. It is obviously important for her that your child can converse with family and friends in Cxech. I would learn some Czech and get involved. Also maybe get a babysitter and spend some quality time just the two of you.

suvigirl

I know a Finnish man married to a Vietnamese woman, they have 2 kids.

The dad and kids speak Finnish. The mam and kids speak Vietnamese. All together as as a family, they speak English. Kids fluent in all 3.

Maybe ye could do something like that?

Feets

Do you think this is going to change? Were you with her for long before she got pregnant? Make an effort. Learn some words and phrases...start there...she probably misses home.

aulddanser

it’s not the she is speaking Czech to him it’s she’s not speaking to me , or that I am not included in there conversation, nor will I be by the sounds of it,

It’s our breakdown in conversation since this started ,

enricoh

Are u working from home? Missus at home all day?

If I got home from work at 6 n nipper going to bed at 7 I'd ask the missus to do English for that hour. Don't think it's too much to ask tbh.

SouthWesterly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121999107#Comment_121999107

Have you spoken to her about how you?

gossamerfabric

This is how Vikings on the Isle of Man ended up speaking a Gaelic language.

A Carer in their early twenties was in the house at home looking after a family member at the weekend. They had a nice neutral Irish accent. It turns out the Carer was from a Baltic state but lived here all their life. There is no danger that the child won't pick up English in addition to Czech. A good understanding of one slavic language will be of enormous benefit to the child in later years.

endacl

what a wonderful gift to give her child.

Big Bag of Chips

It is the advice given to parents who want their children to be bilingual. Each parent exclusively speaks to the child in their language.

Your child is a baby. He also doesn't understand what she's saying. But by listening and watching and engaging he will learn. Why can't you do the same. It's up to you to learn to speak Czech. I assume she already speaks English.

Tork

I get the sense there's more going on here. How long are you together? Were you happy before this?

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121999107#Comment_121999107

You seem to be confusing two different issues - your relationship with your partner and the up bring of your child.

The second I can comment on. At least in the early stages the approach is one parent one language so the kid does not get confused, that is normal. With my son I was very disciplined and never reacted when he spoke the Swiss German dialect to me, so he was unaware that I understood him and he picked up English very quickly. Unfortunately I was lazy with my daughter and she quickly figured out I understood her and the result was that she did not speak a word of English to me until she was about 8. Most people including kids learn languages because they are useful and no matter what you do your kid will speak his mother’s language first simply because he needs to to survive! He’ll understand English from the beginning, but he will make less effort to speak until he needs to.

With my daughter it was realizing that she was missing out on the jokes being made by the bus drivers on the hop on hop off bus in Dublin and wanting to explain things to her granny that gave her the motivation to concentrate on her English.

My kids are in their mid 20s now and both got the C2 English exam dropping only a couple of points. My son studied computer science in Switzerland taking the major of his lectures in English, while my daughter is completing her degree at an English university. So your kid will definitely learn English and probably have a better command of the language than you do! But that is some way off.

What you have to figure out now is the type of relationship YOU want to have with your son. If you want to fully participate in your son’s life, then you are going to have to learn your partner’s language and that is a given. And now is the time to do it because the communication is very simple and easy to pick up, but it will speed up and become more difficult.

I really hope you make the decision to learn the language because you’ll miss out on a lot if you don’t.

KnicksInSix

My wife speaks her language only to our child and I speak English only to our child. When we met I started to learn her language. Duolingo, courses, speaking with her etc all easily done and builds up over time. As Jim2007 said above, I pretend I don't know my wife's language with the child so the child speaks to me in English and vice versa. In the long run this is the best outcome for everyone. Starting now yourself when the baby is young is a great opportunity for you.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121999144#Comment_121999144

It actually is for the child, it can upset and confuse them. That is why it’s one parent one language, at least at the start. In Switzerland it is a bit more difficult for kids in the German speaking part because we speak dialects that have no written form and so use Standard German as well to communicate and the mixing of languages and dialects often sets kids back a while depending on family circumstances.

Shoog

How can you have a relationship if you expect it all on your terms. Your relationship is doomed if you don't try to learn chech.

marilynrr

Unless I ask a question or she does we rarely talk or communicate now

Are you sure this wouldn't still be the case even if she spoke English? Do you try to start actual conversations with her and she just ignores you or are you waiting for her to star them?

Peregrinus

What Kirving said in post #11. This isn't really about the language. Exactly the same issues could arise if the entire family were monolingual; Mum gives her priority, time and emotional energy to Baby and Dad feels emotionally excluded.

As others have pointed out, the parents here are doing exactly what parents are recommended to do if they want to raise a bilingual child. The change that's needed here is not in how Mum communicates with Baby, but in communication between Mum and Dad.

marilynrr

What was the relationship like before and during the pregnancy? Any recurring arguments or issues?

DearMyMe

Sounds to me like the problem is more the lack of communication in the couple.

But would definitely recommend learning Czech to the OP.

My wife is Taiwanese and I have a child with her and I started learning Chinese years ago. Still have a long way to go but I understand all the stuff she is saying to my son. It would not annoy me that she is speaking Chinese to him I think it is great but it would annoy me not understand anything.