Spouse picking on me constantly

CramCycle

Do your best to get out ASAP, you have a job, study, other social outlets. Try and find somewhere to stay. Just because the abuse is not physical does not mean it is not abuse.

marilynrr

I agree with @HazeDoll that this sounds like negging. Sounds like he's trying to wreck your self esteem, always ensuring you seek approval from him, and trying to make you feel like you wouldn't be good enough for anyone else so that you won't leave him.

The positive from your post is that it hasn't quite worked (yet). You're still confident in how you look and in how you are and you're ok with not being perfect.

However eventually he might push you that extra little bit, or you might be particularly vulnerable for whatever reason and he'll use that opportunity to try to break you down so this is not a safe situation to remain in.

Either that or he just doesn't like you very much so he uses every opportunity to just pick at you, which again isn't an emotionally safe situation to remain in

witchgirl26

OP if there are no kids involved then I'd get out now. A partner is just that, your partner. They are not there to dictate how much body hair you have or what you wear. I mean it's one thing to point something out to a partner out of concern but another to do it repeatedly because they're comparing to actors etc.

For example - my partner will sometimes say he prefers certain make-up/clothes on me but he'd never make a derogatory comment if I wear different make-up or clothes as it's just a preference. I have preferences as to what clothes I like on him too but while I might suggest something, I'd never dictate. There is the massive difference.

Hannibal_Smith

Ella108, relationships that have an abusive element to them can sometimes be designed to make you feel like you can't leave the relationship. But there are always options for you. Lots of people in relationships have arguments and might say something the other won't like, but what you're describing- the constant derogatory comments designed to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself- are a different ball game.

Here is a link to the women's aid website. Have a look through it and see if anything looks familiar. Give them a call and talk to them, they can help you find a way of dealing with it. You do not have to endure this.

kirving

I rarely comment on threads here, to be honest those constant comments on your appearance are absolutely horrendous, and in no way normal in any functioning relationship. You really should consider leaving, because his dissatisfaction will never go away.

Rubberchikken

I wouldn't recommend couples counseling.

Tbh I'd say get stronger, progress in your job and eventually the scales will fall from your eyes and you'll see this sad excuse for a man for what he is.

Then you'll move on with your life and he, I've nothing to add. He's truly not worth it.

Take care

SmallgirlBigcity

I was with someone for years who always made comments on my appearance and now that I'm out of it, I can't believe I put up with it and stayed for as long as I did. I met someone else who compliments me and goes out of his way to boost my confidence. He has never ever said a negative thing about my appearance. This is the way it should be. As soon as I got with him, I realised that the previous relationship was not normal and bordering on abuse. I know it's not easy to leave and we can make excuses for people like that but you really don't deserve to be in a relationship like that, nobody does. Wishing you all the best and hope you can find the strength to leave and get out of it. By the way, my ex promised to change etc but people like that never do. And even if he does change, the damage has already been done.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted. 

Please bear in mind that PI is an advice forum and posts should contain advice for the OP. 

Hilda

tinytobe

That picking and nagging depends on the personality.

My mother was always the nagging wife to my father, or nearly always. But apart from that there were never any issues in the marriage.

However that picking and nagging always put me of from getting married. I always thought to myself, would I want a nagging wife in my life? The answer was always no.

And since the ideal partner was never around, I've never gotten married.

This guy goes down the shute to the garbage collection. He may be recycled to some poor unfortunate woman. You need to fasten up for a turbocharged exit far better ring single than being with a b0llix.

LimeFruitGum

Has he always been like this for the past 20 years you've been together, or has it started/ramped up with the minor weight gain? He must realise that Instagram models/celebs spend ages editing and filtering their photos, after they've spent hours perfecting their makeup!

If this is new behaviour, I would also wonder if he has been following various 'alpha' influencers online like Andrew Tate and the likes. Or does some mate of his now have a "perfect" girlfriend, and he is taking it out on you. Either way, he is 100% negging you. It is manipulative and abusive behaviour.

What is his own self-esteem like? Is he always trim and well-groomed himself? Does he ever do anything nice for you? Is he as critical with other people in his life?

When he is being direct, then you be direct back. That he is being out of line and it stops right now. Ultimately from what I've read, if they're not willing to listen and change, the next best thing to do is leave.

Aglomerado

I've been in this situation and thankfully wasn't married to him, or living with him, but three months into the relationship he was telling me what to wear on nights out. I ended it shortly afterwards,that was the red flag for me.

AndrewJRenko

I heard this lady speak about her history. Picking on her appearance was one of the tactics of her abuser.

https://www.rte.ie/news/courts/2024/0314/1437915-mark-doyle-court/

It's hard to see how there is any hope of rescuing your relationship sadly.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121941006#Comment_121941006

Exactly true. There is no way this man is a good person when he treats you this way OP.

Are you relying on him for a place to stay? Or is there some reason why you don’t leave? If you don’t have kids, and even if you have to house share, you’re better off out and rebuilding you life away from this man. Even if you have to up roots and move somewhere else. Men like this don’t change and no amount of wishing and hoping and saying it’s not fair will cut it. The only way is out.

Reesy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872408#Comment_121872408

Oh I'm sorry that you are being subjected to that. Nobody deserves that. There are some books on dealing with bullying - maybe look in your library or online. To be honest I think you need to have a serious discussion with your spouse, and I think couples counselling would help you together make a better relationship.