Spouse picking on me constantly

Ella108

Sometimes about my clothes

Sometimes about my looks

Sometimes about my body hair ( he mentioned I might have something, that he has not seen anyone with this much body hair etc etc) so I bothered myself and went to the best dermatologist, doctors and asked about this and they confirmed I don't have some condition ( at least 3 doctors) but he is adamant that I still have something wrong with me as I have body hair . He also makes comments when he sees photos of other women or on screen etc such as look, she doesn't have that much hair on body. Like, why I need to hear this when I am trying watch something or relax?

I don't wear make up and he insists I do, and when I do, even very light make up, hed picke on me as well that its not done properly etc etc. Once I trimmed my jeans they were too long and he saw it and said it did not look ok i should have gotten it done professionally ( by a tailor?!). I also never wear right kind of clothes according to him. Sometimes to avoid all the hassle I just ask what Id wear so that there's no fuss at the time of leaving out of house. Then he says do wear what you like etc and insists I wear what I like... but then doesn't really stop comments about it

He also picks on my shoes if they are slightly dirty that I can't go outside with dirty shoes when in public etc( it's not even to an event, just walks to park or shops....

It's a nightmare to go out with him, I work hard, i have now new admin job that also demands I look certain way ( office environment) that also doesn't help my situation does it? If I didn't laugh, I'd cry.

I look forward to relaxing time at home or on holidays etc but comments on my looks are brought up all the time and it makes me feel so annoyed.

By the way, I am very confident about my looks. I really like the way I am. I do try to keep fit but I'm not perfect and I have accepted that. I am only slightly overweight now ( probably from all the stresses around me) I have known my spouse for 20 years and it's only past 5 or 6 that I am slightly overweight and I get comments on that also. But those comments on my weight happened even when I had a normal BMI. Now he just says I looked better before when looking at older photos.

I work hard i have taken up lot of things ( study, work, volunteer etc etc) and also I provide care at home.

HazeDoll

What's his job, as your husband? What's he for?

To support you, to make you feel like you can deal with the little shitnuggests life will throw at you because you have one person upon whose support you can absolutely count.

The lowest bar that can be set in a relationship is that the parties won't actively and deliberately undermine each other.

If you come away from chats with him feeling like you're not good enough then he is failing at his job.

What you do about that is up to you.

You will be advised to leave him but that might not be a realistic option for you. You could try tackling him head on. "Why did you say that? You're trying to make me feel bad about myself and I'd really love to know why. You couldn't possibly care this much about my makeup, you need to tell me what's really behind all this. There's no way you're not aware how hurtful and demeaning all this has been, there's no way you think I'll appreciate it as 'constructive criticism.' There must be something very amiss if you're embarking on this prolonged campaign to undermine my self-confidence. Whatever it is, the problem is all yours. I'm happy with the way I look, I'm not listening to any more of your comments."

Ella108

Thanks, thats what I mean to tell him! And I did, lets see. I also requested he stopped those hurtful comments.

SCOOP 64

life too short for this crap, why put up with it ,i know easy fro me to say, move on.

YellowLead

Do you have children together?

If not, you have to ask yourself WHY you are staying with him? Thankfully divorce is legal now. He doesn’t respect you and is sniping at you and trying to chip away at your confidence to make himself feel more powerful, he doesn’t love you.

If you have children, that’s a whole different ballgame. If not, I wouldn’t bother giving him any more chances.

Caranica

Can I ask if you're both from the same country/culture? Those comments make me think that you're not

Does your husband watch a lot of celebrity TV, or maybe porn? It's not common for a man to fixate on all of these things.

Either way it's gaslighting verging on coercive control (the hair thing). I agree with @YellowLead above, you really need to consider your future with this man.

Ella108

No, he doesn't watch those you mentioned. It's just regular day to day we come across let's say a movie we are watching together, and out of nowhere he'd snip -,' look she doesn't have hair on her arms' how come you have so much? Kind of comments. Once he even commented watching sports, that the footballer didn't have that much hair on him as I do..like he's trying to make some point....it's so annoying... Those comments....

BagofWeed

Don't tolerate this. Life is short.

Alexus25

That sounds horrible, we can already be our own worst critic, sorry you're experiencing this. Makes me happy I'm single, couldn't deal with putting up with this gas lighting behaviour, dealt with more than enough of it in my last relationship, only feeds low self esteem, self doubt and anxiety

Gusser09

Check out now. That'll do it.

Alexus25

I was just thinking of your headline, being picked on, like being bullied or victimised, think about why you would stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel this way. That, or it might be time for some serious confrontation and not a case of giving into him like dressing the way he wants you to

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872139#Comment_121872139

It just gets worse. You can’t really change people’s awful behaviour. But you know what you can change? Being in a relationship with them.

You haven’t said why you are tolerating this? He won’t dump you because he’s likely benefitting having his meals cooked for him and his clothes washed. Why didn’t he say anything about the hair before you got married for example?

Did you guys marry for love?

Overdehils

Ella, I've not much to add but just to say this is not normal behaviour from your spouse. Women come under so much pressure from social media to look a certain way with a few celebs coming out to show how photos are so easily filtered to produce a certain 'look' and I fear how the whole 'look' affects young girls. Putting up with this from your other half is totally unacceptable. Tell him guys with hairless chests & legs are in fashion & book him on for a wax! Seriously though Ella, stand tall & stand proud. xxx

Ella108

Thanks I realise it's so complicated to write here and ask advice here. For example, relating to the reply comment ( from YellowLead) above, he does cook meals, fair enough alright and does his own laundry for example. It's this one aspect that's bothering me, which is why I wrote and I'd very much appreciate he'd realise how I feel. I am trying my best to explain how awful it all makes me feel. He actually thinks that as a spouse I should listen to him on this... Seriously it's not that I did not consider at times, separating just on these grounds. Thanks everyone for all your replies

HazeDoll

This might not be what you want to read but is there any chance he's convincing himself you're not good enough for him because he has been playing offside? Any chance he's trying to justify or excuse actions on his part?

Whatever the situation, I can only say that from my point of view it looks like a horrible relationship to be in. Maybe you think everything is fine apart from his comments about your appearance but that is extremely unlikely. If everything else was fine he wouldn't have anything to say about your hairy arms, I promise you that.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872224#Comment_121872224

It’s like you are trying to convince us that his actions are wrong. We all know they are - nobody is going to come on here and say what he is doing is okay. It’s obviously incredibly hurtful for you.

HazeDoll

One more observation. I gather you're not Irish (though I could be wrong.) Maybe I'm just speculating wildly here but are you isolated from family, dependent on your husband socially? Do you have a network, somebody who you can talk to, or somebody who would be able to help you out if you need it?

Perhaps with your new job you have spread your wings a little and he doesn't like this.

You seem to think that leaving him isn't an option. Ask yourself why this is. He is telling you what he thinks of you. Read between the lines and he is telling you who HE is too. Have you any good reason to think he is as loyal and devoted to you as you are to him?

You will never be thin enough, groomed and manicured enough, to escape his comments. As the years pass and time takes its toll on your body you will fight a losing battle every single day, only to be compared to instagram models. Is that what you want to be living with in another 20 years?

Seth Brundle

Does he pay you any compliments?

To be honest, he sounds like a complete prick. Does he think he is some form of adonis himself?

Ella108

He does compliment at times and at times it follows with a ' but' and how I should make some effort from his 'suggestions'

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872408#Comment_121872408

Google 'negging'.

It's a very effective emotional manipulation technique. The objective is to chip away at your self-esteem until you're grateful for the slightest gesture of affection or warmth. Every time he does it he is asserting his superior position in the relationship. Every comment increases your anxiety and your need for his approval. It's all about control.

Like a boiling frog, you become gradually accustomed to circumstances you would never have tolerated earlier in the relationship.

The snippets of information you have given us sound like textbook manipulation.

Ella108

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872342#Comment_121872342

We both have friends some common as well and not massive circle alright as we kept moving few times internationally and yes, all family is abroad so that's hard. He's generally likeable and behaves well around my/our friends. To the point I feel annoyed why he won't behave with me like that! Every time he's invited he dictates how I should have been dressed after accepting I should wear what I like . It's just ridiculous. I could totally just go myself. So there are times I just attend myself or go out with my girl friends, just to avoid these comments. I also went to movies/walks just alone, when friends not available.

baldbear

Red flags jumping out all over the place here. When I started reading for some reason I assumed your partner was a young man who wanted to control a new partner.

Write down all the negative things he says about you and all the positives.

I bet he isn't perfect but you don't badger him about that stuff making him feel like crap .

What do your close friends thing about his behaviour?

Good luck op.

Ella108

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872545#Comment_121872545

Many close friends have suggested couple therapy.

Ella108

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872314#Comment_121872314

Thanks so much. I had to gather some courage to write here tbh in the first place it's like exposing a part of your life and people you don't know but everyone here is so understanding. Maybe this is my first step towards healing and taking next steps in right direction

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872569#Comment_121872569

They can see that there's something very wrong and they're trying to help you to see it.

He's able to act like a good and likeable guy when he needs to. This is a bad sign, not a sign that deep down he's a nice chap.

Why do you need him? Seriously, what are you getting from this awful relationship?

Murt2024

Sounds like a Narcissist exercising his control. My advice is to run and never look back. Its a mindset that you can never ever change. Narcissists have to be in control of people and there experts at making you insecure so you have to rely on them. Just get out of the situation, there's studies done they can't be changed.

My advice is to see his true narcissistic behaviour is to answer him with one answers for a day or two and just sit at home. Narcissists will lose the plot as you are not giving them any ammunition to use against you. They'll start coming up with stuff from weeks ago.

Citizen Six

Leave him.

Leave. He is not a partner he is a gas lighting idiot. Don't put up with it.

Alexus25

I would imagine it's difficult also if you don't have family around and if you're financially dependent on him/the house, but maybe you could move in with a friend for a bit if you decided to leave him

thereiver

You should go for couples counselling,

or else split up .he is gaslighting you ,constantly giving you negative comments .

If you prefer going out to movies or going for a walk with friends that's a red flag

Why are you still with him ?

has he always been like this ? Are you still in love with him .unless you get couples counseling it's unlikely things will get better in regard to his negative comments

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872569#Comment_121872569

Couple's counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships, which this very much sounds like.

Honestly, I can't understand why you're still with this man. Are there by any chance cultural considerations at play here which make you feel as if you can't leave?

CramCycle

Do your best to get out ASAP, you have a job, study, other social outlets. Try and find somewhere to stay. Just because the abuse is not physical does not mean it is not abuse.

marilynrr

I agree with @HazeDoll that this sounds like negging. Sounds like he's trying to wreck your self esteem, always ensuring you seek approval from him, and trying to make you feel like you wouldn't be good enough for anyone else so that you won't leave him.

The positive from your post is that it hasn't quite worked (yet). You're still confident in how you look and in how you are and you're ok with not being perfect.

However eventually he might push you that extra little bit, or you might be particularly vulnerable for whatever reason and he'll use that opportunity to try to break you down so this is not a safe situation to remain in.

Either that or he just doesn't like you very much so he uses every opportunity to just pick at you, which again isn't an emotionally safe situation to remain in

witchgirl26

OP if there are no kids involved then I'd get out now. A partner is just that, your partner. They are not there to dictate how much body hair you have or what you wear. I mean it's one thing to point something out to a partner out of concern but another to do it repeatedly because they're comparing to actors etc.

For example - my partner will sometimes say he prefers certain make-up/clothes on me but he'd never make a derogatory comment if I wear different make-up or clothes as it's just a preference. I have preferences as to what clothes I like on him too but while I might suggest something, I'd never dictate. There is the massive difference.

Hannibal_Smith

Ella108, relationships that have an abusive element to them can sometimes be designed to make you feel like you can't leave the relationship. But there are always options for you. Lots of people in relationships have arguments and might say something the other won't like, but what you're describing- the constant derogatory comments designed to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself- are a different ball game.

Here is a link to the women's aid website. Have a look through it and see if anything looks familiar. Give them a call and talk to them, they can help you find a way of dealing with it. You do not have to endure this.

kirving

I rarely comment on threads here, to be honest those constant comments on your appearance are absolutely horrendous, and in no way normal in any functioning relationship. You really should consider leaving, because his dissatisfaction will never go away.

Rubberchikken

I wouldn't recommend couples counseling.

Tbh I'd say get stronger, progress in your job and eventually the scales will fall from your eyes and you'll see this sad excuse for a man for what he is.

Then you'll move on with your life and he, I've nothing to add. He's truly not worth it.

Take care

SmallgirlBigcity

I was with someone for years who always made comments on my appearance and now that I'm out of it, I can't believe I put up with it and stayed for as long as I did. I met someone else who compliments me and goes out of his way to boost my confidence. He has never ever said a negative thing about my appearance. This is the way it should be. As soon as I got with him, I realised that the previous relationship was not normal and bordering on abuse. I know it's not easy to leave and we can make excuses for people like that but you really don't deserve to be in a relationship like that, nobody does. Wishing you all the best and hope you can find the strength to leave and get out of it. By the way, my ex promised to change etc but people like that never do. And even if he does change, the damage has already been done.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted. 

Please bear in mind that PI is an advice forum and posts should contain advice for the OP. 

Hilda

tinytobe

That picking and nagging depends on the personality.

My mother was always the nagging wife to my father, or nearly always. But apart from that there were never any issues in the marriage.

However that picking and nagging always put me of from getting married. I always thought to myself, would I want a nagging wife in my life? The answer was always no.

And since the ideal partner was never around, I've never gotten married.

This guy goes down the shute to the garbage collection. He may be recycled to some poor unfortunate woman. You need to fasten up for a turbocharged exit far better ring single than being with a b0llix.

LimeFruitGum

Has he always been like this for the past 20 years you've been together, or has it started/ramped up with the minor weight gain? He must realise that Instagram models/celebs spend ages editing and filtering their photos, after they've spent hours perfecting their makeup!

If this is new behaviour, I would also wonder if he has been following various 'alpha' influencers online like Andrew Tate and the likes. Or does some mate of his now have a "perfect" girlfriend, and he is taking it out on you. Either way, he is 100% negging you. It is manipulative and abusive behaviour.

What is his own self-esteem like? Is he always trim and well-groomed himself? Does he ever do anything nice for you? Is he as critical with other people in his life?

When he is being direct, then you be direct back. That he is being out of line and it stops right now. Ultimately from what I've read, if they're not willing to listen and change, the next best thing to do is leave.

Aglomerado

I've been in this situation and thankfully wasn't married to him, or living with him, but three months into the relationship he was telling me what to wear on nights out. I ended it shortly afterwards,that was the red flag for me.

AndrewJRenko

I heard this lady speak about her history. Picking on her appearance was one of the tactics of her abuser.

https://www.rte.ie/news/courts/2024/0314/1437915-mark-doyle-court/

It's hard to see how there is any hope of rescuing your relationship sadly.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121941006#Comment_121941006

Exactly true. There is no way this man is a good person when he treats you this way OP.

Are you relying on him for a place to stay? Or is there some reason why you don’t leave? If you don’t have kids, and even if you have to house share, you’re better off out and rebuilding you life away from this man. Even if you have to up roots and move somewhere else. Men like this don’t change and no amount of wishing and hoping and saying it’s not fair will cut it. The only way is out.

Reesy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121872408#Comment_121872408

Oh I'm sorry that you are being subjected to that. Nobody deserves that. There are some books on dealing with bullying - maybe look in your library or online. To be honest I think you need to have a serious discussion with your spouse, and I think couples counselling would help you together make a better relationship.