Why can’t I just “get over it” ?

b4ss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058336252/why-can-t-i-just-get-over-it

Hi,

We have all been where you are after a break up, and felt similar at times.

The best relationships are the ones where each side has the utmost respect for each other and really care about the other person. When they do amazing things happen in a relationship. It can be hard trundling through dates with people who you don't have a connection with, but you will find that special person, who does respect you, and you will look back on this time thinking, thank f$ck i didn't go back to that relationship.

If you do go back, it may change for a bit, but it will go back to the way it was and you will be miserable again.

Be true to yourself and don't bother with one-side relationships which are not founded on mutual respect. Love only works when it is reciprocated.

Keep up hobbies and new interests, you will find the right person when you least expect.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121771763#Comment_121771763

Tbh back in the day, I'd have been a firm believer of "to get over one , get under another" mantra. However on more mature reflection I don't think this is actually helpful.

You're just transferring feelings. Never actually dealing with the actual situation.

Also the OP is still way too invested in the ex....she'll end up being too intense in a new relationship and potentially sabotage it.

I also don't think dating apps are a good way to go. You need the skin of a rhino to navigate them, which I don't think the OP has.

I do think the OP needs to find a new distraction though as she's living in her head too much.

The cold fact is, she's not going to find the closure she wants from an external source, she needs to find it within. A year on and he's still living inside her head rent free.

ineedacompass

Just a bit of context: I have tried to move on. Went on a lot of dates last year. All of which fizzled out.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121772141#Comment_121772141

There’s no way you are ready to date others when you are still so affected by this. I’d advise staying away from dating

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121771880#Comment_121771880

How did it logically make sense to meet him?

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121772033#Comment_121772033

Yeah….look, if I was being completely honest - I was the more outgoing, confident one when we met. He was more broody and quiet one. I had nothing to hide. He was my BF. Whereas when he came to me, he hid our relationship online as long as he could get away with, kept me on the peripheries of his life and never brought me for a drink in his local (seems petty but matters) and I never got to know his friends. I was only included in the odd event when it suited him to be in a couple. I stood next to him at a wedding reception (that he invited me to) where he acted distant towards me and then passed a rude comment to a random family friend (not his friend btw so of no relevance to him or us) about our relationship. I still wonder why I didn’t leave that evening and go home. There are many examples but I could sum it up as it was like being in a relationship with a spoilt teenage boy.

Im mad with myself for putting up with it and being made a fool of.

As you can imagine, after 2 years,, I lost my confidence and wasn’t as outgoing and now avoid certain places at certain days of the week and avoid people like not going to weddings etc.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121772176#Comment_121772176

Oh.. I suppose because it was a 2 year relationship ? And since I ended it - maybe I felt I owed it to our relationship to talk. I thought that’s what he wanted - I should of known better

RoboRat

There is no such thing as the one IMO.

There are people who fit nicely or are very compatible, but there is no perfect match for life. Why do I say this... because people change. Life changes people in a multitude of ways and therefore, we are constantly evolving. It would be nigh impossible to find someone who mirrors your very existence for them to be the one. They may be perfect at the start, or perhaps not perfect at the start, but the more you are with them, the more you grow to love them. The only person who is a perfect match for you is yourself.

Now down to the nuts and bolts of the issue. You are focusing on the good times and not the bad... it's not unusual, most people do this. You need to start focusing on why you broke up with him and that's how you move on. I had a girlfriend many many years ago and I was mad about her. In the beginning, the feeling was mutual, but somewhere along the line, the power tipped in her favour and that was the beginning of the end. I tried to hold it together but the more I tried, the more I got walked on. I finished it and moved away. Ironically, when it was actually over, she realised what had happened but I had made my decision.

Fast forward a few years and I met my current wife. We broke up for a period but I swore I would never run after someone again. I left her to it and did my own thing. Then, she started getting back in contact with me and we gave it another go and we're together 20 years. If I had run after her I don't think we would be together.

If you asked me 1, or even 2 years after breaking up with the first ex if I would ever find someone who I loved as much as her, I would have said no. I was wrong. Is my wife the one? Nope... but we have been compatible for the last 20 years and it has taken work to do this.

Hope this helps. Try and move on. Forget about relationships and focus on liking yourself. If you like yourself, people will like you. Stop thinking about the one that got away. If he felt the same way and he knew he was a major fault in the break-up, he would have tried again. He hasn't so he either doesn;t feel that way, or he is not the type of person to admit his faults.... and as such, you are better off without.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121772202#Comment_121772202

I think you need to do some serious reflection as to why you put up with all of this and why you were sad when it ended given he treated you like crap. I mean you strong enough to end it, where’s that girl gone?! Before you go near trying to date again please do this or you could end up in another relationship just like this. It needs to be equal from the start and no amount of being a good girlfriend is going to change a man.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121772244#Comment_121772244

I was very strong when I ended it. Events in the weeks leading up to it have me my strength back and I was decisive.

It was the mind games weeks later that undid all that. And the fact he was in another serious relationship so soon after which I reckon was going on before our break up. But I’ll never know the truth. All I do know is I invested 2 years of my life with one man who kept his options open playing the field.

its frustrating. I have great days, good days and downer days like right now.

Now I’m thinking boxercise should be a new hobby…..

Thanks yellow lead. Yeah I’m off the dating scene now. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than listen to shite at the moment.

Hannibal_Smith

I don't believe there is the one. I do believe it's possible to meet someone that you can build a happy life with, but it's not pre-ordained. And if it was, would you really want this guy to be your 'one'? The relationship sounds awful.

Looking back is no good. You can't change the past, all you can do is take from it what you can so that you can move forward. Its great that you've done different things to move on. They haven't been a magic switch, but as has been said before this will take time. There is no set limit for getting over a relationship, but you will get over it in time.

It can't begin however until you let go. That wasn't a good or healthy relationship. No amount of talking to him will give you 'closure'. It doesn't work like that. He's under no obligation to sit and listen to issues you had in a relationship that ended a year and a half ago, certainly not without defending himself or adding his tuppence worth. No peace of mind will come from it. So detach yourself from any thought that talking to him will bring you any benefit or indeed from any thought that he was the one that got away. He wasn't. Not relationship is better than a relationship that makes you feel crap about yourself.

I know it has been suggested before and you don't like it, but you have to reach a cut off date that if you continue to feel this upset that you do seek the help of a counsellor. It may just be that how you're feeling isn't connected to the break up at all and that's why you're not moving passed it.

But in the meantime keep going forward with things you enjoy doing and don't date for a while. Not until you're in a place where this ex and the relationship are firmly in the past.

ETA

And the fact he was in another serious relationship so soon after which I reckon was going on before our break up.

Are you sure he wasn't in this new relationship before you broke up?

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121772297#Comment_121772297

Thanks HS.

Im a lot better than I was last year but the last few days have been hard for no particular reason. Intrusive thoughts all week and then… it just got me down and had a big cry this morning. After being treated and broken down by someone like that in a relationship AND being rejected or having no connection on dates afterwards just makes you feel unloveable.

I thought this morning - maybe that was as good as I was ever gonna get or maybe he would have copped on in the end.

I want to let it go. But I wish it would let me go if that makes sense?

HS - I believe it was going on behind my back. He had already been caught red handed months previous dating online and always secretive. The simple things like introducing me as his GF or introducing me to and bringing me out with his friends who were so “close” to him were impossible tasks. These are just a selection of many examples. The red flags were there from the start. I ignored them or thought I was overreacting or at least that’s the way he twisted it when asked simple questions. He was quite the manipulator. I was played big time.

I have to say, alot of posters have helped me gain clarity since the morning.

b4ss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121772202#Comment_121772202

Not being proud of you and hiding you away are all massive red flags... You are way better off out of this..

Don't beat yourself up about it, every relationship is a learning experience and you evolve into being a better partner by negative and positives experiences in other relationships.. I have had a number of relationships and when they didn't work out I learnt from it, its made me a much better partner now...

Your confidence will come back the more things you do that you enjoy doing, look after yourself you only have one life, don't waste it going over the past, look to a happier future :)

ElizaBennett

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121771763#Comment_121771763

I completely agree with this poster, though I know others don't. But for the OP's sake I want t echo it as this approach is working well for me. I broke up with someone after 9 years together last summer. Was very very sad about it and feeling totally unloved and like I'd definitely never meet anyone again. After Christmas I decided to start dating and it has been incredible for my confidence. I'm not terribly interested in anything serious but knowing there are so many men out there who are interested is phenomenal for someone who was feeling rejected and less attractive. Nothing wrong with that. I'm in a completely different place now, bursting with confidence and also very happy in myself and, ironically, more self contained than I was before I started on dating apps. I know I'm happy by myself and have great friends and family and life, but I don't have to feel lonely or unloved if I don't want to. So maybe treat the apps in a good humoured casual way and you can get a lot from the attention. It's all good as long as you're honest with people about what you're looking for. I'm a new woman because of this approach - so I wouldn't knock it. Just another perspective.

ineedacompass

Thank you all. Advice is much appreciated and I’m in a much different mindset the last 2 days.

mods can close thread.

Packrat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121790628#Comment_121790628

Great to hear it! It comes in waves. There may be more. They will pass too. Best of luck.