Why can’t I just “get over it” ?

ineedacompass

I am completely heartbroken over the last 1 year and a bit. Ive tried to get over it with staying busy, new hobbies, dating etc.

I’ve posted here before. I ended my first serious relationship a year and a half ago and have been stuck ever since. People here, people in real life told me to get over it. Some gentle, others were harsh (especially family) told me to get over it and move on.. better off etc.

Despite the flaws and negatives of the relationship, we had a connection and I feel I am still in love with him. Logically, I wish I wasn’t and he is on my mind everyday. There hasn’t been a day that has passed where he wasn’t on my mind. I’m not obsessed - I’m a normal person who has stayed busy and tried to ignore it and logically retell myself the reasons it didn’t work out. I choose to end it as I felt he didn’t love me due to numerous actions and examples… - which were absolutely valid points plus the fact whenever I’d try to communicate in our relationship, I was dismissed or not taken seriously - usually both. I didn’t feel fancied or loved and did feel I was trying too hard at times and he was more all talk then action.

It haunts me. We haven’t spoken in a year after he played mind games post break up and then it turned out he had moved on. I was a good partner, completely faithful to him and always supportive. When I ended the relationship, he even admitted he messed up. The way he treated me after the break up was disgraceful and I can hand on my heart say I didn’t deserve it and it set me back. It astonished me how someone can manipulate a situation to make themselves a victim. I treated him with respect during the break up conversation when he didn’t deserve any of it after the way he treated me during and towards the end of the relationship. I held back the home truths. In retrospect, I now wish I hadn’t.

I’ve had a lot of false starts in dating and been messed around with online dating apps. Some experiences were good - others not so good. I have distanced myself from friends who had met us as a couple, who later supported me and urged me to break up with him after finding out how I was treated. I didn’t go to two of their weddings. I kindly made my excuses but deep down, I couldn’t handle it and yes, felt resentful as they were not there for me after the break up and when I struggled. I feel bad and wish I could be supportive and happy for them but I’m the only one out of the group who lost their OH while the others in friend group are moving along and marrying/getting engaged. maybe I’m even embarrassed that I thought so highly to introduce him only for it to end like it did.

I suppose what I’m asking is - maybe this is completely stupid - but given the fact I can’t move on or that he’s on my mind - is there a such thing as the one? Despite the mess, could I have let go of the one? I don’t think I’ll ever feel as strongly about anyone as I did about him. I gave all of myself to him but I can’t say the same of him. He held back alot, wasn’t open etc and that was one of many reasons I ended it. I felt rejected alot of the time and always at arms length and just gave up in the end. Sometimes I think… should I reach out but given how he treated me with such cruelty the last time, I think why should I? He should be apologising to me.

Im welling up here writing this. Tbh, I wish I didn’t feel like this. My head is logical and can list all the reasons why he wasn’t the one. But my heart is saying another. How can you love and hate and miss someone all at the same time? It’s emotionally exhausting.

Any advice on heartbreak?

PmMeUrDogs

I don't know how long you were together, but what you're feeling sounds fairly natural. It doesn't mean there's "the one." And even if there were, "the one" wouldn't treat you so poorly. The fact he did means he can't be "the one."

I think by being resentful of your friends for not supporting you enough, and skipping out on their weddings, you sound like you're avoiding situations that could potentially be painful to you. I understand that in the beginning, but this far along after the breakup, I think you should be ripping the bandaid off and accepting that sometimes some situations won't be amazing and do them anyway. How will you move on if you absolutely refuse to face any potential pain? You're sitting ruminating instead when the reality of a potentially painful situation could be so much easier than you imagine.

I also think resenting your friends a little is normal but you need to bear in mind that you chose not to support them at their weddings - that doesn't make you an unsupportive friend, just like them not giving you as much support as you think you require doesn't make them unsupportive friends. It makes you all humans with your own worries and problems to deal with.

At this point, I'd think you may want to try facing more situations instead of avoiding them and if that doesn't help, consider talking to a therapist to help you make sense of it all.

All the best

evolvingtipperary101

Reach out to him? Comparing yourself and your ‘life stage’ to others? Why are you punishing yourself like this?

Time for professional help.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770107#Comment_121770107

I’m asking for other people’s life experience or advice on heartbreak as it was my first experience ending a serious relationship.

Thanks for your helpful contribution re professional help. I should just “get over it”.

89897

From what you describe of your relationship- he definitely wasnt "The One"

I do believe in the "The One" but its not someone predetermined by fate or destiny that you get one shot at, its the person you choose and choose to love every day and get the same back in return.

Good relationships mean turning up and making the choice to work on them but it takes 2 people.

Like the other poster said, you cant move forward if you avoid anything that might be painful. You'll find joy again but for now you have to go through the sadness but you wont if you dont make some hard decisions. Theres no timeline on getting over a hurt you need to take it at your own pace but thats up to you.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770091#Comment_121770091

Thanks for your reply. We were together 2 years. Both in our early 30s.

evolvingtipperary101

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770138#Comment_121770138

It's not about getting over the relationship or the relationship itself at this stage. That relationship is over. It's about you and your life. Growth. Moving on with your life. By your own admission you're struggling to move on. Professional help is expertise that can help with that. Anything that can help you to not focus on the past and focus on you is worth it.

MrMusician18

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770138#Comment_121770138

I think you are being a bit unfair to that poster. The man has moved on with his life but you acknowledge that you can't. The poster isn't telling you to "get over it" but giving you advice on how you might get over it.

At the end of the day, there are three possible outcomes. You get back with him, you fail to move on and it stymies you, or you deal with your emotions and move on and find happiness elsewhere.

If you want to do the third option and are struggling with it, getting help to do so is a valid and good thing to do.

YellowLead

It sounds like a lot of this isn’t just about the guy it’s about you and how you are feeling at this stage in life. You backed away from friends in relationships and getting married - it sounds like you are feeling resentful and left out, like you really want to be getting married and not being single. This is the biggest thing to overcome, this feeling that you have to be in a relationship and that time is running out.

You've mentioned how good a partner you were etc as if that entitles you to a relationship and he should have given you everything- you can’t force people to be with you and love you, no matter how good you are to them.

I know it’s been said a million times but you need to change your outlook on life and look for joy in things that aren’t relationships, learn a new skill or travel etc. obsession over a 2 year relationship that ended over a year ago isn’t healthy.

I feel that you haven’t accepted that it’s over, you are ruminating over why it shouldn’t be.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770191#Comment_121770191

You see, as a grown adult, I wanted to sit down with my ex after the break up and talk to get closure. And when he reached out weeks later, I of course agreed but then he started messing me around with cancelling rescheduling and leading on. That was more painful than the break up. Then it turned out he was already in another serious relationship. i found this experience post break up more emotionally damaging than anything else.

Ive tried to move on. I’ve stayed busy, taken all advice on boards, taken up hobbies. Dated.

Nothing has worked. I feel like there’s unfinished business and that im being pulled back by him but we haven’t spoken in a year.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770212#Comment_121770212

Thanks Yellow.

I get what you are saying. The damage is done. Im annoyed at myself for giving myself to someone who could treat me so disrespectfully and cruelly in the end. I would have thought, as adults, there would be a respect in the aftermath and we could sit down and talk.

I know I can’t make someone love me, he kept me in the relationship. Most lads wouldn’t commit or would leave when there was an out. But he insisted on committing in the first place and kept it going. We came close to a break up before the official one and he got around me. He wanted to be in the relationship. But was all talk. And he acted the bollox. He was one person when it was just us and completely different around other people.

I’m not saying I’m entitled but I’m saying I was a good partner and it wasn’t returned or even acknowledged. I felt unloveable tbh.

Yellow - I want to be over this. I know it’s not healthy. I want to move on. I don’t want to always feel like this.

I suppose my main point of my OP - I’m worried that he was the one or I’m being pulled back because there’s unfinished business regarding how it ended. I don’t want to feel like this. Trust me on that.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770265#Comment_121770265

The only closure you can get is from yourself. You ended it, with good reason it seems. You don’t need to make him understand anything or discuss anything, he’s moved on.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770286#Comment_121770286

I just wish there was a mutual respect as we were in an intimate relationship.

Tbh, it feels like I meant nothing to him. And that’s hard for me as he was the world to me.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770162#Comment_121770162

Thank you for this post.

Yes, it takes two people and I was the only one being present and committed.

I remember at the time, I was emotionally and mentally exhausted and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Threw in the towel and just quit. It was too much.

It seems to come in waves. This week is horrendous. Other weeks I’m ok.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770302#Comment_121770302

You have to stop the wishing etc, you can’t change the past. Until you accept that it’s over and that you can’t change him or his thoughts or actions, only your own you’ll never move on. You can’t grieve this even because you are stuck in wishing this and that.

Which I know is tough, I’m not trying to be mean. But the reality is you judge somebody on their behaviour. You say he was the world to you, somebody who treats you like crap is the world to you, really? You need to realise his behaviour IS him.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770265#Comment_121770265

I'm not sure what closure you want?

I think you are looking for him to sit down and tell you how much of a perfect partner you were and how much of a douche he was.

That's not going to happen.

You've broken up over a year now for valid reasons. He has moved on and is with someone else.

That's all the closure you're going to get.

He will never in a million years sit down with you and dissect the relationship, which I think is what you want. The only couples who might do this are ones with kids who might try to make a last attempt at salvaging the relationship before they break the family up.

In the grand scheme of things 2 years together is not that long. He obviously wasn't that into you.

It's ok to grieve the relationship, it's ok to grieve the future plans you made together (and the ones you made in your head) but there comes a point where you do have to park it. As harsh as that may seem!

You also do need to turn up for people. I think missing weddings is a mistake (I remember going through a bad break up myself and my friend getting married a couple of months later...I still went, did the whole hair makeup etc danced my arse off, first time I went to a wedding solo and it was great...yeah I had a couple of wobbles in the bathroom but the smile was stapled on outside)

It's a break up...even if he died after a year people would be telling you to move on.

Kalimah

I don't think he was the "one" judging by how he treated you during the relationship, and he wasn't much better after. I think there is probably more than " one" out there for us and you're lucky if you find them first go.

I think you are grieving for all that is lost, and you seem to be stuck in one of the early stages of grief - you haven't gotten to the acceptance stage yet. It might take a while more. If you could find a counsellor that suited you it would help.

I wish you all the very best - please do try to get some help. It will definitely make a huge difference to talk it all out with someone.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770444#Comment_121770444

I’m not coming across well here. No one is perfect. I’m not claiming I was perfect but I suppose I am saying I was a good partner ? He had good attributes too but hurt me alot. Would say he wanted a committed relationship but on the same hand, compulsively lie and wasn’t completely faithful if you catch my drift. I feel like my mind was f*cked with for 2 years and I just wanted to know the truth and bury it. I don’t want to sit down and for him to slate himself and take all the blame. But there are things I want more clarity on that happened. And of course, that question - did you actually love me at any point… ?

Plus, It was just a sudden break up and over zoom. Not in person. That’s why there’s no closure and why I’m not at peace with it. I regret doing it like that.

victor8600

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770508#Comment_121770508

It's ok. You are lucky if it is your first serious heartbreak. If you were to go to a bar and ask anyone older than 40 who is willing to talk, and unless they are completely narcissistic and uncaring, they would have have many heartbreaks over loves or friends lost or not saying proper goodbye to a relative. Find the closure in yourself, may be with help of your friends?

thefa

It’s obviously hurting you that there the love wasn’t equal and comparison to friends moving on in their love lives has been hard.

What I struggle with is some of the references to the behavior of him since you broke up with him. It doesn’t sound like he had the best respect for you during the relationship so it might be a bit much to expect respect and maturity after you reject him.

I think you even mention how you wish you hadn’t been so respectful during the break up as a result but would stooping to his level really have been good for you? If anything, his actions since should be further validation that he wasn’t right for you.

I think the fact you haven’t had a good experience since the breakup while he’s moved on is contributing to the idea that he was the “one”. Would you be thinking the same if he hadn’t moved on or if you had found a new partner that treated you better?

micar

You need to focus on why you broke up and how he made you feel at that point.

You don't want to go back to those feelings.

The cheater will always make themselves to be a victim. It's just human nature.

He's moved on.....there is no going back.

bucketybuck

Getting over it is one end of the scale, but "wallowing" in things is at the other. You aren't getting over it, but are you sure you aren't wallowing in the breakup at this stage?

For example, the whole closure thing. Didn't you end the relationship? Don't you already know why you did that? Just what closure is there to be had, do you want him to sit down and tell you why you dumped him?

As for "the one", its a nice dream for teenagers that won't see each other after the summer ends. But is it not a bit silly when talking about somebody who made you feel miserable?

I don't want to be another in the chorus just saying "get over it", but reading your words I can't help feel that you are wallowing in all this a little.

Lauras5839

I'm sorry you're suffering, but you won't get the answers you want or the clarity because there's none to be had. God forbid if you do reach out to him ask to talk all you'll be doing is reopening an old wound and adding more damage on top of it and you'll come away with none of the peace you're looking for.

I'm so sorry but that peace can only come from inside you and no where else. Think of it like a death and make your peace with it without his involvement. He's poison so was the relationship in the end and you can't invite that back into your life.

Do reach out to friends, do chat with a counsellor, get outside perspective and whatever you do don't go back there. Don't reach out to him at all, it's a trap and will only set you back more.

This will pass, it feels like it won't but it will save the more you push and try to recover the faster it will happen, those good weeks will turn into good months and then good years and you'll be free of this pain.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770508#Comment_121770508

I've a feeling you broke up with him to somehow test the waters. Hoping it would shock him into action on being a better boyfriend. This is why you put so much hope into when he was arranging a post break up meeting.

However things didn't pan out the way you hoped. He didn't beg or even ask for a second chance.

I don't know what you want your end game to be....you've broken up he's with someone else it's over.

Finding out if he actually "loved" you is not going to change the fact, finding out if he "cheated" is also not going to be helpful.

It's a year down the road, as painful as it is, you're not going to get the answers.

At this stage you've wasted 3 years on the guy are you going to give him a fourth?

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770780#Comment_121770780

Thank you x

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770818#Comment_121770818

I wasn’t testing the waters. I just gave up and was drained. I ended it. That was it.

Obviously when he reached out, I hoped we may be civil etc and we might have had a mature conversation but he was just playing more games. It was a mistake to trust him. He just proved I was right.

Peace is the end game.

You are right. I’m not going to get any answers from someone who lied all the time anyway.

I just wish I wasn’t haunted by it still.

Kathnora

I'm going to be blunt but I definitely don't want to be offensive or insensitive to the op or anyone else in a similar situation....

You will find it difficult to get closure or "get over it" until you are invested in a new relationship or project or whatever. I'm sure a new relationship would be best. Easier said than done of course. But perhaps you need to focus on just that. Tinder etc may not be great I know. Joining a walking group or sport may be a gateway towards meeting someone new. Having a new relationship will help to melt away all the hurt you have suffered in the past. I think you probably know that yourself. You just have to get there and it may take a while. The baggage you are carrying is weighing you down and maybe making it difficult for you to work up the enthusiasm for new projects and meeting new people. Counselling may help with this as other posters have suggested. Take that step, widen your horizons, be open and hopefully you'll meet the partner you desire.

Packrat

I don't normally comment on these but, seriously?

He entertained your "sit down" post mortem plan because he wanted the jump. Nothing more. The opposite of respect. When it came to it actually happening he was getting it elsewhere so he didn't bother.

As far as him being "the one" - possibly, he could still be if by that you mean "the one to utterly destroy your life", waste another 6 to 10 years on you and then you break up again.

Thats your choice.

You're projecting what you would like him to be on to what he is, how you would like him to feel about you as opposed to how he does.

It's not real.

If he was here talking about the same relationship and its ending you wouldn't like what he'd be saying...

It might go along the lines of "So I was banging this Wan, but she got all psycho on me etc etc etc... " or worse.

Seriously. You're smart enough to figure this out, and obviously attractive enough to date.

Get some professional help if you can't do it by yourself. Your future life will thank you for it.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121771810#Comment_121771810

I didn’t reach out or suggest it actually. He reached out and pretended to want to talk. Then started mind games through text.

I agreed to meet as logically - it made sense but I was cautious. I never suggested meeting and talking as I ended it. So when he came to me and suggested it after weeks of silence, I of course would have met and talked and engaged a calm conversation but he was just playing games. I should have trusted my gut that the idea was too mature for him to do in the first place.

Anyway… yeah women are always the psycho when they have enough of being messed around.

for the record, I was never a psycho. I calmly walked away.

Packrat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121771880#Comment_121771880

I didn't say you were. I believe you.

I thoroughly agree that this is what some people unfairly say about their exes though. More often men, yes.

Whoever suggested the meet up, that's what it was going to turn into in his mind. Things changed in the meantime.

Even with two people who are both sensible and mature, "clear the air" type meetings after a break-up are a terrible idea. The proposer usually wants another go at the relationship, or an apology from the other, - in which case they'll reconsider, or just sex because they are feeling horny.

So there it is, - he can still be "the one" 'The one' that is, who ruined your life. If you let him back into it.

Water is wet. Heartbreak is heartbreaking. For most people it's very intense but relatively short lived. In your case it's going on waaay too long and starting to define your life a bit. Don't let that happen. Go get some really good professional help sooner rather than later so you can move on with your one precious life which will be great!

Best of luck.