I fear the future

iniscealtra

Take the hour home help.

Get her diagnosed pronto.

Accept your sisters help starting next week.

Look into the fair deal.

See who does meals on wheels locally. In our area a service provides this for 5 euro a dinner 5 days a week delivered.

terrorman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121563616#Comment_121563616

Me and my sister are uncomfortable with money being taken out of my parents savings account because in the event that some calamity would befall them like breaking a hip and needing full-time care then if that money wasn't in the savings the only other way of financing that would be to sell the land.

Now I know some people are thinking that might not ever happen and we could keep going the way we are; me staying at home looking after them and my sister coming one day a week. My parents might live long healthy lives and never have to go into hospital or a care home. Then they pass away and that money is there for myself and my sister but I have actually been the one doing most of the looking after.

My sister has said to me several times that if I was going anywhere for a few days (or even on holidays) she will cover for me. I just haven't taken her up on the offer. I don't have a partner and very few friends. That's my own business, I know that my sister has been a bit concerned that I am not mixing with people. Obviously I need to change that myself (and I will). If I have a mindset of "I need to stay at home every single day and night and look after my parents for free so their savings won't be touched" then that's great for my sister (and my parents) but not so great for me. 

I don't think it's a case of my sister shirking her responsibilities and then reaping undeserved benefits when our parents pass away. She has two children but they are in school. I'd say she feels a bit sorry for me, she would like to help me more if I would let her.

The savings have got to be dipped into and she realises that.

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121565286#Comment_121565286

There's more to life than money and what you might get if you give up your life to preserve your parents' savings. If one of your parents breaks a hip they will be taken care of as a public patient if they don't have health insurance.

Get out and live, you only get one life.

CelticRambler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121565286#Comment_121565286

in the event that some calamity would befall them like breaking a hip and needing full-time care 

What about one of them suffering from dementia and the other being unable to dress himself? This whole thread is about two elderly people needing full-time care, and their unpaid carer reaching his own breaking point. In any case, chances are that such a calamity is more likely to happen if they continue to live in a regular rural/farmhouse environment, with all its inherent dangers and limited supervision, rather than in a care home designed with such eventualities in mind.

My parents might live long healthy lives and never have to go into hospital or a care home.

If they're in their 90s, they've already lived those long and healthy lives. Over and over again you make reference to a variety of future scenarios that give the impression you're struggling to accept that both of your parents are Very Old People, at the end of their time here. Everything you've described indicates that their future - and their present - is to spend the rest of their days housebound and/or lost in their own world.

Now there's nothing wrong with you trying to make/keep them as comfortable as possible during that time, but given all you've said, it sounds like you're the one who's most likely to end up in hospital, precisely because you're voluntarily tying your whole life to theirs and suffering all the associated stress. For your own sake, and in whatever way works for you, you need to create a life for yourself that doesn't involve them before that inevitable reality smacks you on the head.

terrorman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121567748#Comment_121567748

"They've already lived those long and healthy lives." "At the end of their time here" That's a bit unsympathetic although I'm sure you don't mean to be. They are not dead yet. I have tied my life my life to my parents (for the last few years anyway). I suppose I just find it hard to accept their time is coming to an end. I posted about it here a few years ago actually. A person advised me to make the most of the time I have left with them. So I am doing that but I took their advice a bit too literally 😊.

But I need to look after my mental health as well. It suffers from being in their company 24/7. But I can't have it both ways; look after my parents full time and maintain my sanity. There's been no change yet as regards the home care, my sister is working on it. It will take a while to get someone.

I have been going into work one day a week. It helps a bit but I still feel guilty. I could go in two days but I don't want my sister having to come to the house two days a week. If the home carer was set up I might go in two days. As regards socialising I was supposed to go somewhere yesterday but it got cancelled. I might be going somewhere this Saturday evening weather-permitting.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121588533#Comment_121588533

But you if neither you nor your sister was available the days you go into the office, then a carer would need to be paid.

Do you see what I'm saying?

If your sister is adamant not to touch the savings, does she realise how much a carer costs to you both, if you buggered off.

Im sorry, but it's time to bite the bullet if you want any sort of life for yourself.

You either need to move put again and allow both your sister and you to come to a joint arrangement re parents care or else you stay where you are and tell sister you need her on board more.

As for the cats..I have a cat who I love to bits but of the only thing stopping me leaving a stressful situation was my cat, I'd endure she was rehomed in a very kind home. Wild cats always find a way to thrive and survive. They are hunters, they wouldn't be long getting their independence back if you left.

terrorman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121598951#Comment_121598951

I won't bugger off, I couldn't do that. Even though my mother gets on my nerves something unreal at times I could never desert my parents. Especially my father with his mental health difficulties. I know what that's like myself. I went out last night with a few friends from a meetup group when I stayed in the (unnamed) city before I moved home. It as hard for me to do it, I felt a bit guilty, I had to block out the image of my parents sitting in the living room at home. I could have had a few drinks and stayed overnight but I stuck to non-alcoholic stuff and drove home afterwards. I didn't talk a lot (nothing new there). It was good to get out of the house for a few hours.

I couldn't desert the cats either, I know you say "Wild cats always find a way to thrive and survive" but I just couldn't leave them fend for themselves. One of them died before Christmas actually but I couldn't do anything about it. I could see he was ill but I was under savage pressure at work and hadn't the time to trap him and bring him to the vet (he was feral). I haven't seen him so far this year so he must have died.

I intend to socialise a bit more when I get the chance and try to stop guilt-tripping myself about it when I do.

Dial Hard

No offence, OP, but you have a problem for every solution. I think at this stage what you most badly need is therapy to figure out why you have based your entire sense of self-worth and happiness on your parents' well-being. It's not healthy but you seem to be almost entirely unwilling to do anything about it. You keep saying you want to feel less guilty and start living your life but any time anyone makes a suggestion on how to start doing that, you shoot it down.

There's a very, very strong sense of enjoying being the martyr coming off your posts. Sorry to be so blunt.

terrorman

I feel things will get better for everyone once we get the carer in place. I feel optimistic.

terrorman

It's happening anyway; the carer is coming in on Thursday's and Friday's (not all day) and it's costing 160 euro for the two days. I will go into the office for those two days. She seems really nice, my parents are resistant to it but I do need to get out of the house for a couple of days and see a few different faces. I will still be at home for three working days per week. I do feel a bit s****y about taking the money out of their savings to pay for it but as I said before it's a catch-22 situation. There is a good bit of money in my parent's current account at the moment so we can take the 160 out of that but it will run out eventually and we will have to dip into the savings. Although I might be able to pay for it myself; I got a raise there in January, I could pay some or all of it if I cut back on a few other things.

We picked Thursday and Friday because they were the two days that I used to get take-away dinners for my parents in the nearest town. The home carer can now make them a dinner at home, she is a good cook apparently. I used to help my father get dressed in the morning, I won't be able to do that those two days now because I will be leaving early and he will be asleep. I don't think he will want "a stranger" (especially a lady) dressing him in the morning.

I was thinking I could maybe wake him up before I go and dress him. He could go back to sleep then in those clothes and be dressed before she comes. He would be getting up a few hours later anyway. Maybe, I don't know. I suppose I am happy, I can now get a change of scenery for two days a week.

Goodigal

This is really good news. Great to hear you're getting a carer in for the 2 days. Will give you some breathing space.

OP, they don't need their savings at this point in their lives do they?! They'll be looked after now with the help of their savings, so don't feel bad about it. After all, they've lived long lives and it's there to help all of you.

Really hope it works out nicely for you all