I fear the future

terrorman

I'm a single 50 year-old male living at home with my parents. It was my own choice, I wasn't forced into it. I lived in rented accomodation away from home up until 2017.

I work in IT and I am fairly well-qualified so I was able to change jobs if I wanted. I saw a job advertised near my parents home and I applied for it and got it.

I could have lived near where I worked but I decided to move home as my parents were getting on in age (they are both in their 90's now).

They were able to look after themselves when I was living away from them but when I visited them at the weekend I noticed they were becoming more frail and I really felt sorry for them. During my time living by myself I used to get upset thinking about them at home on their own. I couldn't bear it. Old age is so cruel, it really is.

There were other reasons too; they live on a farm and the land is rented. There isn't much to be done but there still needs to be somebody there to look after things (fix water leaks and fences etc.). My dad used to do that before I moved home but he can't do that anymore now. So I do that now.

Another unfortunate circumstance is that there are about ten (mostly feral) cats around the farm that have to be fed. They are a nuisance but I am an animal-lover so I feed them religiously morning and evening. If I am not there they starve basically.

My best friend died of cancer in 2018 and that really knocked me back. There was a network of friends me and him had but I lost touch with them during Covid and never got back in touch. It wasn't the same when he wasn't there anyway so I didn't want to remain friends with them.

I also have a bit of OCD about things at home and feel I have to be productive all the time. I never take holidays (haven't been on a plane in 5 and half years).

I never go out at the weekend or stay somewhere else overnight.

I can't make friends in work because if I get into a long conversation with them I worry that the subject of my living arrangements will come up and it's just embarrassing for me.

Most of them are all married with kids and houses etc. so I feel massively inferior to them. I never go to work nights out as a result and don't converse much with them whenever I am in the office. Since Covid I work at home almost every day so that means I spend the day in my parents house as well.

My sister lives with her husband and kids about an hours drive away. She does her bit in fairness and has said to me that if I am ever going anywhere she will cover for me.

I don't have a close relationship with her though.

I am on medication for depression for ten years, I haven't had an "episode" in that time thankfully but I live in constant fear of one. I suppose I am going through one right now but the meds are mitigating it. When I had them before I went on medication they almost cost me dearly but I managed to hang in there. The meds definitely help now.

It's a catch-22 situation; I don't want to put my parents in a nursing home but I am also dissatisfied and fatigued from looking after them.

I have a lot to be grateful for; I am healthy, have a good job that I like most of the time, no debts and am not separated with kids or in an unhappy marriage.

I don't look my age, I am not overweight, I dress well although I have lost a bit of hair. I look kind of boyish.

I always felt I wasn't good enough to have a girlfriend. A young girl told me years ago when I spoke about it to her that "the problem is in your head John". When I was younger some girls liked me and a good few had crushes on me and I liked them back but I was too nervous to go on a date. Probably just as well as they would have dumped me anyway. 

I sometimes look at guys in relationships and I am envious that they have a confidante to lean on. Other times I look at guys in relationships and I am not envious at all.

I don't have anyone to support me emotionally; if I had a girlfriend and she was nice and really loved me she would be someone to confide in (and I would do the same for her).

Obviously you can't be like that all the time, you have to have a laugh too. I have a good enough sense of humour but I am a bit nervous and shy.

I don't know what's brought on these feelings now; I suppose it's just that the years of looking after my parents are starting to take their toll,not physically but emotionally.

My mother has dementia, not severe but still a bit challenging to deal with. She asks me the same questions repeatedly. Her memory is non-existent. My father is on meds for depression but he still gets very down. I have to help him dress himself most mornings. It upsets me a lot that he can't do those things himself anymore.

A lot of the reason I spend so much time with my parents is I don't want to have any regrets when they pass away. I had a few regrets when my friend died. I wish I had spent more time with him but I thought he would be there for all of my life. He was a good friend and I miss him a lot.

I was in the office for all of last week and it was actually nice to get out of the house and speak to someone other than my parents. The receptionist would say "Hi John" to me and that was a nice thing I hadn't experienced in a while. I also met an old college friend last Wednesday night and we had a good chat for a few hours. That cheered me up.

I don't want to make myself out to be some kind of martyr for staying at home, it was my own decision, nobody put a gun to my head.

On a visit to my GP regarding my depression years ago I remember him basically ordering me to get into a relationship. He seemed to think all my problems would be over once that came about :-). But I have three friends who were in long term relationships and all three are single. Two of them had children from those relationships and they don't see them every day so that must be tough. Coincidentally all three were obsessed with having a girlfriend for as long as I knew them. I feel they got into a relationship just for the sake of it maybe.

Btw I am paying my way at home (more than paying it in fact) so I am not free-loading.

I will be gutted when my parents die but I'm just worried about myself and what the future holds for me.

Sonic the Shaghog

Ah you poor fella I had to leave some sort of a reply. You most certainly are not inferior to colleagues that are married, it's swings and roundabouts. Some are single, some married, some separated and kids in the mix like you mentioned. Also same goes for living with your parents! Jesus the amount of ones from 20s to 30s now living at home!

You've done such a good job with your parents and the fact you even worry about the cats shows what a good fella you are.

I am kinda just a bit along from what you are mulling over. I'm 34, My dad died few years ago about 59 and mam just died few weeks ago. I'm here on my own now with a house and farm but yet I'm jealous of your good job haha.

I started seeing a girl only few months ago and she's lovely.

Would you maybe consider trying Hinge it's a dating app and a bit better than tinder. See if you get chatting to anyone nice. Any woman worth her salt will see you for the nice fella you are. I don't know why you'd think you aren't good enough. Don't be put off thinking they won't want you if are living at home either. Theres plenty women out there that want to meet a nice man and make it work somehow. You have to remember she might have her own place or ye even could build something yourselves on one of your own sites or hers eventually, don't overthink it. Being honest anyone that would rule you out for that isn't worth bothering with anyways trust me.

Is there any little bit of a hobbie at all you might be able get into? I assume you are rural I know myself it's tough. I also think if anything happened my best friend nearby it would be hard to get out too.

Have you tried to put in for some home care hours? Your parents sound like they'd get priority, your mam especially. Even if you could get 1 hour in the evenings you could go for a walk, to the pub, something.

If I think of more I'll post again

iniscealtra

You have nothing to feel inferior about. That is non sense. Tell people at work about your situation. You wanted to move home and you did. Be proud.

I understand why you want to be with your parents and you have a supportive sister. Take her up on the offer of help. Its a lot better than an unreliable sibling. Organise that around an activity maybe, a hill walking group or whatever.

All positives. Apply for a home help. If your Mam has dementia they will come in and do a few jobs in the morning, have a chat etc.

https://www.hse.ie/eng/home-support-services/

Organise a few dates. Why not? Its nice to meet new people and enjoy it.

headtheball14

First thing talk to your sister, I'm sure even if you're not close she would like to help if she could. Ask her if she could contact hse about getting a few hours home help. that's her job to organise it .

As said it's not even just the assistance with helping your parents, it's a different face and chat and a break for them and you.

Next the feral cats, contact local rescue and get them neutered if they aren't already . you will end with a hundred otherwise.

Then ask the rescue if they need a hand, many are crying out for help at the moment in their kennels or fostering. it might be picking an animal up from the vets and dropping them somewhere or something more long term. There's a lot of older dogs looking for a warm bed and a bit of company. it might be good for your parents when you are working.

walking groups are great, it's all types in them and the people involved are usually interested in nature and Wildlife. you can talk as much or as little as you like and a great way to get out. most people go alone at first and many are new to an area and delighted to meet a local.

You're right to think ahead you have a long life ahead yet so start now .

CelticRambler

What is it you fear about the future? Finding yourself without a purpose if you're not caring for your parents any more, or being alone in the world after they're gone? Or something else? Each of those worries will require a different approach, so you need to be clear about what's bothering you.

I'm also in my 50s, living alone in a rural environment punctuated by periods of "in office" work, so I share some of the same challenges, though have never suffered with depression. Even so, several years ago I realised that I'd never have a chance of meeting anyone to form a (new) relationship with if I didn't get out and meet people, and that meant making a conscious decision to do something that'd bring me regularly into contact with real people in real life. Has it worked? Maybe ... it'll need a few months of 2024 and a convenient work contract away from home before I can tell. The point is the unknowns of the future can be positive as well as negative.

In the meantime, give yourself a break. Do something, anything, to take you right away from your usual routine and all your familiar places. It doesn't have to be a sun-sand-sea package holiday or the like - just a simple week-long visit to some city or mountain you've always wanted to visit, or a fortnight volunteering your help on someone else's project, or even a month's trek through a desert or a jungle "just because". Apart from the change of routine, it'll also provide you with a good reason to start making alternative arrangements for who looks after your parents and how. Don't forget that just because you're 40 years younger than them, it doesn't mean you won't fall off a ladder next week and suddenly find yourself unable to carry on as normal.

And get an automatic feeder for the cats! Seriously. I was adopted by a gang of feral kittens a couple of months ago, who needed to be fed four times a day. As I had two trips away planned, I couldn't take them in and there are no neighbours around who could/would help out, so I spent 40€ on a cheap timer-feeder and set it up in the barn. One less thing to worry about.

SEPT 23 1989

You need a holiday in the sunshine John away from everything for a week or two

looksee

Do you feel any better for having written all that down? Its amazingly beneficial to just talk/share with someone uninvolved with your immediate life. Maybe ask your gp for a recommendation to a therapist/counsellor and just go and talk. They won't give you any instant or amazing solutions but you may find some yourself, or at least relief from the squirrelling worry in your head.

Meanwhile there is one thing you should consider - it doesn't matter what other people think about how you live your life. They give it far less attention than you think. You do your thing and be open about it.

brookers

you sound like a really decent lovely person, I love that the cats are fed. Your parents are so lucky to have you. Go skiing in the spring, you sound so fit and healthy, great fun, you learn a new sport and meet a few. I wish you all the best for 2024 and much luck, health and happiness.

Furze99

You sound like a very decent chap. There are many different ways of living a life peacefully and none is better than another. It takes many types to make up the world. Your parents are lucky to have you. But do as above - talk to your sister and work out between you how you can get out more. Sounds like you live rural so less opportunities but if you look about there will always be some. What are your interests apart from IT.

As for your parents long term, 90s is a good age and can't be long till they will need more full time help. Or just die at home, elderly neighbour of ours was going till the end, just collapsed in the field one day. Best way to go for him for sure.

Goodigal

You're a good guy from what you've described. You're doing the best you can - taking care of your parents at their age is something to be very proud of. Not every man would step up and do it. As others have mentioned, there are supports available so don't be afraid to ask or look for them to give yourself a much deserved break.

Sorry to hear you lost your best friend a few years ago. That's a big void in anyone's life, and its normal to miss someone you grew up with. It sounds like you want to get friendly with work folks, but you're stopping yourself. Why? We are all just winging it in this life! Nobody would judge you for living at home and helping out as much as you do. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for that. It's admirable. Maybe getting to the office more regularly would benefit you in terms of connecting with colleagues. And having more confidence in conversations.

I can't imagine the patience you must have for your parents at their age. It's brilliant to hear the care you're giving them, despite how fatigued you're feeling. Be proud of yourself. Really hope by writing this down, it's helpful for you in some small way.

Take up your sister's offer of help and take some time for yourself. You very much deserve it.

Tork

If you were to chat to people who are your age, you'd find that some are already on the very same road as you are. Your parents are a bit older than those that your average 50-year-old would have, but still, people your age understand all too well what's going on. Many people of your age have lost a parent, have an ailing parent or are crossing their fingers and hoping for the best. They're juggling things and doing their best, just like you are. So it isn't as weird as you think to be back in the home place looking after your parents.

You definitely need to get out more. Working from home is a curse and a blessing at the same time. It's a godsend for people whose lives would be messed up by having to travel to work, but it's also a way to become lonely and isolated for some. That's what has happened here. I think you would benefit from going into the office more often or travelling to an office hub if there's one near you. People are too wrapped up in their own lives to particularly care what you're doing with yours. But if you mention that you're caring for your parents, they'll know and they won't judge you.

I think you should talk to your GP, not just about help for yourself but for advice on how to look after your parents. The HSE has cut right back on what it offers carers but there is still help out there. You just have to make enough noise and get the ear of a good public health nurse. It is difficult when you have stubborn parents who don't want strangers getting involved in their lives but you'll probably get forced to do something anyway. Even some respite care or somebody coming in to help get your parents out of bed would relieve the burden. You're going to have to say No to your parents at some point, and piss them off.

I agree about a holiday, if you can get your sister to come and keep an eye on things. If you're nervous about going somewhere on your own, talk to a travel agent about package holidays for single people. They exist and I think it'd do you a world of good.

terrorman

Thanks for all the replies, there are some good suggestions in there, you are all very kind. Getting it all out did help a bit.

Almost with comic timing a couple of things happened here just now that illustrate my point about me having to be there for my parents all the time; the oil range conked out and I had to get it going again; just a matter of opening a door at the bottom and pressing a reset switch. But there's no way either of my parents would be able to do that if I explained it to them over the phone.

Then I noticed the battery in their car is dead. That is a result of my father sitting in it and listening to the radio (which I told him not to do). I have to take it for the NCT in early January so I have to get that sorted by then. A couple of weeks ago the sewage pipe coming from the toilet got blocked and I had to unblock it (lovely). It's just having to do these little things all the time that annoy me. I'm not selfish, I have done it without complaint for the last six years but I am not getting any younger myself and I want to live a bit.

My sister has mentioned getting home help in but my mother would be very resistant to that. We have a cleaner coming in for a few hours every week and she doesn't want here there. She seems to think it is only right that I should look after them 24/7. My father wouldn't like having a complete stranger helping him get dressed. To be honest I don't like the idea of it myself much either. But this situation is coming to a head. Just in the last week they have started to get on my nerves a bit. I get sick of the routine of doing these menial tasks for them every day. There is money in their savings that could be used for the home help. The money they get for the land rental and their pension and what I pay barely covers the bills.

They are only going to need more help as they get older. My GP is a good listener and I actually used to have a meeting with a HSE mental health GP every few months until a couple of years ago. They said I was doing well and didn't need to attend anymore but that I could go back if I ever felt I needed to.

I used to go to an Aware meeting in a town near me up until Covid but it isn't there anymore. I made some good friends there but I only text one or two of them now and then.

For the person who asked what do I fear about the future; after my parents die being on my own and a burden to my sister.

I have had all those cats neutered a few years ago, cost me a good bit but it was worth it.

I wouldn't take the risk of confiding in somebody at work about my problems. I notice it's a kind of a gossipy place and I wouldn't trust anyone to be honest. I rarely meet anyone in person anymore anyway since I started to work from home.

I have to tell my sister I am a bit fed up though. I won't tell her any personal stuff. I'd just like someone to confide in too. Not as a whingebag, I have a good sense of humour believe it or not.

CelticRambler

It's just having to do these little things all the time that annoy me. I'm not selfish, I have done it without complaint for the last six years but I am not getting any younger myself and I want to live a bit.

My sister has mentioned getting home help in but my mother would be very resistant to that. We have a cleaner coming in for a few hours every week and she doesn't want here there. She seems to think it is only right that I should look after them 24/7. My father wouldn't like having a complete stranger helping him get dressed. To be honest I don't like the idea of it myself much either. But this situation is coming to a head. Just in the last week they have started to get on my nerves a bit. I get sick of the routine of doing these menial tasks for them every day. 

This is why you need to sort out some time away - not just for yourself, but so that your parents, your sister and anyone else involved knows that they can't settle into the mindset "Ah sure terrorman will sort that out tomorrow morning/this evening/in an hour ..." And I don't mean float the idea that maybe you might like to take a couple of days for yourself; no - make a definite plan to go somewhere specific on a specific date and for a certain length of time, and then tell everyone that that's what's happening and arrangements need to be made.

On the one hand, if you've got something like that to look forward to, it'll help you cope with the increasing frustration; and on the other, it'll prepare the ground for similar arrangements to be made again later. It'll also be a lot easier to discuss the situation with both your sister and your parents if they think these arrangements are only temporary, and it'll serve as a useful exercise in highlighting what menial tasks really need to be done every day, what care is particularly problematic, and whether or not there are other factors in play that none of you has noticed because you're all so used to the situation.

Is there any chance your employer could send you to work at a (very!) remote location for a week or a fortnight?

SEPT 23 1989

Maybe open up to your sister she is your blood after all things change over time nobody wants to see their brother in pain and struggling

Sonic the Shaghog

One thing about the home care. You'll just have to keep sprinkling you can't do it and something needs to change.

Then drop a bomb youve been thinking of buying a place and moving away as you've had enough, have the sister let in on it and she can by the way say to the parents she agrees with you, that its ridiculous they expect you do it all when theres the option if extra help.

Then they'll get on board with some home care once they see it will "make you stay around"

It's the only way to deal with stubborn ones when it comes to this trust me.

Goodigal

You can still pick up the phone to Aware 1800 80 48 48, or to the HSE mental health unit you dealt with before. There is always someone there to listen. You need to get some help before you're completely overwhelmed and your irritation comes out the wrong way. But, talking to your sister I would suggest is the first port of call. If everything you're feeling comes tumbling out, so be it. We all need to confide in someone. Take care of yourself OP.

farmerval

OP, you're situation isn't as unusual as you might think.

In rural Ireland it's common enough. The small issues recently that you have had to deal with are everyday issues, if you weren't there they would still have been dealt with by someone. Perhaps trying to find and utilise locals in sorting these issues, e.g. a local mechanic with the car would be an avenue to kore local contact?

Whether they realise it or not your parents need someone more than you looking after them all the time. Like you they've let themselves get caught in a world with declining contact levels. They need social contact too. When we initially goy home help for my mother she hated it, but soon she was looking forward to a new face and a new voice around the place for a couple of hours a day.

The single biggest issue for you is obviously human contact outside of your parents. Go to the office more regularly. See if there's a club, any club or society that you'd like to join, what it is doesn't matter, what matters is that you can take do something positive for yourself. The walking club idea above is a good one, but literally anything that increases your human contact would be good. If you can start doing things, even little ones, for yourself it will make you feel better. Remember, the only justification for doing anything new is if it makes you feel better. Try and find ways, even little ones to improve your daily habits, if there's a local shop, go there for your messages, not a faceless super market. If there's a local coffee dock go there and get a coffee some days. Find places and things you can do where you can say hello to people, where they may know you and chat back, even if initially it's only to talk about the weather.

Start with your sister and her kids, can they come by your parents more often, it doesn't have to be solely looking after your parents, can they come for all of you to have lunch together? Could you bring your parents to hers for lunch? Get to know her kids, what they do, what they like. It's extremely easy to get totally caught in your parents care needs, but maybe you can find ways to make it more fun?

Talking with people at work, take it more as a challenge, set yourself little challenges about asking your work colleagues about their lives if the chance arises, have they kids, what ages are they, etc. etc. Most people like talking about themselves and and are pleased when you show an interest in them.

Lastly and extremely important is to find a councillor or therapist for yourself. You really need someone to talk to, about your issues, someone to listen to YOU. Right now you have issues, you know what they are, but you don't have a way to voice them. Try and get a way that you can get these thoughts out in the open and start finding ways to make things better. Initially online assistance may be easier to access. Since the initial lockdown accessing therapy has been extremely difficult.

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SuperBowserWorld

Fair play to you for looking after your parents. You should be proud of that. And stop beating yourself up.

Don't waste time worry about your circumstances or age. You are healthy. And you have your parents and they are living into very old age.

Married, with kids etc etc can bring on a whole raft of problems. And it's full on menial tasks and hard thankless work.

Just be careful who you do hook up with. Make sure they love you and are there for you and not your inheritance and possessions. You have loads to bring to the table. Do not undersell yourself.

But don't be afraid to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just be smart and true to yourself.

And stop trying to change yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. Boredom, burnout, loneliness suck the joy out of life.

I would say they're are a lot of people who would be envious of your position.

Just exhale, breathe, enjoy the moment. And plan for 2024 with lots of baby steps to get things changing in your life.

And I need to stress again, do not take a sub optimal path, because you feel not worthy. Aim as high as you can.

Best of luck

Soilse

Your right to be concerned I'd talk to your sister maybe start with a weekend away a month with the plan to take a week away in April. Are there any local fitness groups near you cycling, walking, swimming. January is a great time to use as an opportunity to meet new people. Walking clubs often organise trips away that you could join. Check out meetup groups maybe there's something there that is of interest to you sporting event meets, music gig meets, coffee chats.

My aunt for years was resistant to outside help and drove my family mad. She has dementia so it was a difficult time. She's now in a nursing home close to home and loves it as she knows everyone there.

terrorman

Just this morning I found tea-bags inside in the electric kettle. My mother thought this morning was still last night. She gets disorientated now and then. I went through this stuff before with my grandmother 30 years ago. It's like history repeating itself.

I do have to go to another part of the country for work in the New Year but that is only for a day or two I'd say. I am not looking forward to it btw because  it's going to be a s####y experience.

I started to feel this way in part because I have developed a fairly bad crush on a younger girl that lives in my neighbourhood. Completely one-way traffic of course (as usual). I feel silly and embarrassed to have a crush at my age but it's just she has a nice smile and a friendly manner. 

I have hit the buffers over Christmas for sure. I just wish I had someone to love me because it feels like nobody does.

There's no way my mother will want home help coming in to the house. She is a very difficult person who doesn't seem to realise that her son is not a professional carer and needs to have a life of his own. She can't help it, it's all part of her illness. I can see a confrontation coming.

I texted a girl I knew before from the Aware meetings, nothing romantic, she was just a person that I remember as being very nice. She texted me back and was very sympathetic in fairness to her. I just need to get through this rough patch. I have to get my head straight for when I go back to work.

 

CelticRambler

I started to feel this way in part because I have developed a fairly bad crush on a younger girl that lives in my neighbourhood. Completely one-way traffic of course (as usual). I feel silly and embarrassed to have a crush at my age but it's just she has a nice smile and a friendly manner. 

It's when you stop having those feelings that you need to start worrying! :D And these one-way crushes are good practice for when the two-way version comes along.

Sonic the Shaghog

John would you consider some bit of counseling? You seem to have more than just the passing feelings of not being good enough etc that most of get now and again. I really think it might help as the more you post you've an awful negative view of yourself that isn't true at all

terrorman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535641#Comment_121535641

I did get counselling years ago about my self-esteem issues. The counsellor was nice, it was helpful for me to talk to her. Christmas isn't an ideal time to get depressed, there isn't much help available. Maybe these feelings will pass. Today I took my parents to my sister's house (as we do every year) for Christmas dinner. My mother acted up before we left, refusing to get out of bed. She has done this kind of thing before on family gatherings. My sister had to speak to her on the phone several times to get her to come. Myself and my dad couldn't head away by ourselves and leave her there. For a while it looked like no Christmas dinner was on the cards. Eventually she got up and went but I didn't enjoy the day at all I was so stressed. As a person with poor mental health I don't have the ability to deal with it anymore. I'm not a professional care-giver. I spoke to my sister; I told her I am not going to work every day at home from now; I need to get out of there for a couple of days a week for my sanity. She said she will see about getting somebody in but they don't come cheap. The combined pension and land rental won't cover it; it will have to come out of their savings. They won't want that of course.

I know when I am at work I will feel guilty leaving my father at home. Not so much my mother because she doesn't care when I am at home looking after her 24/7. But I have to look out for myself too.

Sonic the Shaghog

Yes I understand private care might not be cheap, that's why you both need to start now with the public health nurse and apply for public care. I know hours arent as easy come by, but with your mother's diagnosis and behavior she'll be priority compared to most to get and fill the 21 hours. If you can get your dad to agree to it, it might work too. Especially when a company might see a possible double call. I used work in the area talking from experience

You don't pay for the HSE public care and don't for any reason tell them if you have private carers in it will go against you.

You need to tell them you are working 24/7 and haven't the time anymore, the more the HSE think you do the less priority and help you'll get. Anyways you are no good to them if you have a breakdown or something. I went through the same over the last year with my mother.

Your first stop is your parents GP and tell them you need help with the mother. Tell them everything they probably already know and make sure to emphasize she's borderline dangerous on her own. Make the appointment whenever it's open now after Christmas and one or both need to go in.

Have you an official diagnosis by the HSE for her memory issues? It'll be a head start.

Purple Mountain

Hi there

Happy Christmas!

Well done for writing all this down. Yoy are very articulate.

Most of what I wanted to say has been said already so I'll be concise.

Ho back to your GP. Explain you are overburdened, frustrated etc. Ask them to refer you to a public health nurse, and then onto home help. I understand you'd mam is reluctant so get the GP on board to chat to her to tell her this is essential. She might listen to someone in authority.

Open up to your sister.

Agree a week's break where she and her partner and kids can come and go every day and you get on a plane and go somewhere warm. Midterm will be in February, kids are off school so that might work.

A complete break away by yourself isn't selfish, it's essential.

You need to.open up to your sister, she spends amenable. Ask for a weekend off once a month. Even a full 24 hours.

Book a hotel around Ireland. Go for a walk on a beach or arrange to meet those 3 single friends you mentioned.

Life is for living, your life too.

Your sister recognises that, go with it.

I hugely recommend you taking up a hobby too. Something that really appeals to you. Not just for the sake of it. Many people join the gum because it's a popular choice. But there's lots of options; golf, drama, squash, athletics, choir etc.

Commiting one evening per week to doing something for yourself only is really liberating. Your social circle will grow too and by default you'll make acquaintances and friends.

The time is now, you have one life only. Go live it.

looksee

You have received lots of good advice, but one thing you should be aware of is that your mother is taking advantage and you do not have to go along with it. As someone else has suggested, for some things, like the carers, if it is put to her by the district nurse or similar she will be more likely to go along with it than coming from you.

My sister had this with our mother, who was generally very reasonable and good natured, though non-speaking and somewhat disabled from a stroke. My sister would suggest to her that mother should do something or something had to happen and she would get stubborn. Then the district nurse would come in and say the exact same thing and she would be all smiles and obliging and indicating oh yes, she would do whatever. Endlessly exasperating when you have been trying all ways to work out how to deal with a situation then a stranger comes in and suddenly there is no problem.

You need a bit of tough love if she is playing up - she is not prepared to get up and go somewhere, and you are pretty sure she is fit to do it, then just act very casual, say ok I'll leave you some lunch and we will be back about 6. Now I am not suggesting you go through with it but if she doesn't change her mind you may as a last resort have to do the 'dad isn't feeling up to it, so we will not go', don't let her think its because she has put a spanner in the works. But the main thing is not to get hassled about it, either way its not a big deal, life will go on, try not to stress about it.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328075/i-fear-the-future

Two smallish suggestions.

I don't think your embarrassment about revealing your living arrangements to workmates is well founded. Lots of people are in non-standard arrangements these days, people in second relationships, gay relationships, separated couples living in the same house, entire families back living in the box room with mammy and daddy. Your situation isn't that unusual. It is what it is. What's the worst thing that could happen if you tell your story.

You might find you get a lot more engaged with your colleagues if you are open and honest with the decent ones.

And a practical suggestion - maybe get in touch with one of the cat rescue charities about doing a TNR (Trap, Neuter, Release) operation on the cats, to make sure they're not breeding further.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537259#Comment_121537259

They're already neutered.

terrorman

I am grateful for all the good advice. I was OK about a week ago, this depressive episode has sort of came out of nowhere. I am waking early in the mornings now, 2 or 3 am. That's not good; I go back to work on the 2nd of January and I need to be sleeping well before then. I have also lost weight; I've lost my appetite completely.

I just want to talk to someone and hope it makes me feel a bit better. I feel so lonely now; I am envious of people in relationships. I look at my parents nodding off in their armchairs and I say to myself "Is this what I have to look forward to? Tending to them until they pass away?"

I've become extremely resentful of them. I hate saying it but it's true. My crush has turned into a full-blown limerent object btw. That's not helping me. Or maybe it is what triggered this episode in the first place. I am extremely embarrassed by it, it's pathetic really.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537539#Comment_121537539

I think a chat with a gp is in order. Easy for me to say behind a keyboard but at the very least they will help you sleep , and with sleep comes clarity to deal with the stress if life.

looksee

Not pathetic, but not helpful either. Probably a symptom of the whole issue, and that needs attention. You can cope with looking after your parents, lots of people do, but not in your present frame of mind. Go to your GP and ask for help, if you have to take medication for a year or two then do it, its not a sign of defeat or weakness, we all need help at some time in our lives. Don't beat yourself up, you wouldn't feel guilty if you had bronchitis or some other physical illness, but get help.

Deeec

Some brief points

- 50 years old is still young for a man. You are still young enough to get married and have a family.

- your situation of caring for your parents at home isn't unusual at all. You will find alot of people in their 40/50s have similar problems so you need to open up and reveal your situation to people. Actually a man who is caring towards their parents is attractive to women. It shows you are a good person.

- I would assume as you are living at home that you will inherit your parents home and farm. If this is the case you will be financially secure in the future which is good.

- you sound like you have a good sister who wants to help so work out a rota with her so you can have some free time. Also work with your sister to secure some home help for your parents.

You need to stop dwelling on the bad and focus on all that's good. You are a good man and you need to realise that there are loads of women out there looking for a man exactly like you. If you act now your situation could be much improved by next Christmas. Best of luck.

terrorman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537572#Comment_121537572

Myself and my sister will inherit the farm and home. I am not really thinking about that though.

mrslancaster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537572#Comment_121537572

Lots of great advice and as others have suggested, less time working from home will help. Being alone in the house and caring for elderly parents is not easy. When you ask your sister for help with your parents, ask if she has any single friends she can introduce you to - she may know single women through her kids activities, schools, or through her hobbies. Also, some of your colleagues might know single women who would be delighted to meet a kind man like you - lots of workplaces have someone who enjoys playing cupid.

Sometimes we feel too proud to ask for help but we all want to make a connection with someone special and people close to us want to help if they can. If they are married or have partners, they know what it's like trying to find a soul-mate. If you don't say that you're looking, nobody will know and your friends and family might assume you're quite happy with the way things are.

rolling boh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121538281#Comment_121538281

Proberly a bit off topic but you will have to think about that situation , often a source of trouble .

Sonic the Shaghog

Yep, especially as he seems to be doing all the caring at the moment and the parents are expecting it.

The sister has offered the odd day to cover and now with a "carers don't come cheap"

But no doubt she'll be first in line at the solicitors.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121540908#Comment_121540908

It should be an imperative topic of conversation. Essentially it's your home that will be the most pressing issue, OP.

rolling boh

Proberly wrong to use the off topic bit just it wasn't really mentioned in the post .For me it is a huge issue that will come to a head and could leave the op with a big issue to sort out .

looksee

Just leave it for now, there are more important things to sort at the moment.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Please advise on the matters that the OP has specifically asked advice on.

Please also bear in mind that PI is not a discussion forum. Back and forth between posters derails the thread and is unfair to the OP.

Thanks

Hilda

terrorman

The inheritance of the land is not completely off-topic. I keep an eye on my parents current account, I never take a cent for myself. My sister is always warning me not to take any money out of the savings account for our parents (unless they really need it). She says this is because if something happened to one of our parents (e.g. fell and broke their hip) then the house would have to be modernised or else they may have to go into a nursing home.

The money for that would be substantial and would have to come out of the savings account. If that money wasn't there (or not enough of it) then the land would have to be sold to pay for it. I understand her thinking there, some posters will no doubt say that she wants the money for herself. I don't think so however. If the savings have to be dipped into to pay for home care she would be OK with that. Whether my mother would be is another matter. Our family have never had a disagreement about money. I have a good job myself, I have always wanted to work for whatever I get, I would rather my parents money be spent to make their lives comfortable for their remaining years.

I went to see my doctor today and spilled out my troubles to him. He said the same as what posters have said here; apply for a public health nurse and tell a little white lie; that in my job I was able to work from home for the last 6 years but now I am required to come in to the office for a few days a week and neither myself nor my sister are able to care for my mother on those days.

He also gave me the number of a local dementia support unit.

If my mother's dementia worsened I might have to consider the nuclear option and move out completely. In that situation I would have to euthanise all the cats because none of them are tame and wouldn't settle in a new home. Maybe if there was someone with land and buildings where they could roam around I could trap them and give them to him/her but that's a long shot. I know some people will say "to hell with the cats, they are only cats" but I just couldn't think like that.

larkingabout

I have spent 5.5 years caring for my mother with Dementia. I am an emotional wreck as a result and became depressed, resentful and angry too. You need to contact the PHN to have a needs assessment done and home help will be provided especially for the mornings. Contact Family Carers, Western Alzheimers, Alzheimers Ireland who all provide few hours respite during the week. You are entitled to a few weeks respite per year in a care home in order to have a break yourself. All of this is free. My mother had not signed over her house or land and therefore the value of her assets is taken into consideration when calculating the Fair Deal support for nursing home care. This made me hesitant about admitting her to a home but I knew I could no longer sustain the full time care. I have no living sibling so if i got sick there was no one to take over.She is now 3 months in a nursing home but it is very expensive. Her savings are being used together with pension and land rental income. I sat on the fence too for some time but I could see I was deteriorating as a person and it will take a long time to recover myself. Act now it's time.

marilynrr

In that situation I would have to euthanise all the cats because none of them are tame and wouldn't settle in a new home. Maybe if there was someone with land and buildings where they could roam around I could trap them and give them to him/her but that's a long shot. I know some people will say "to hell with the cats, they are only cats" but I just couldn't think like that.

How far are you away from other people? You might find someone local willing to go out and feed them every day, there are many animal lovers out there.

Flinty997

Just been through similar with parents and I can only echo what others have said, get help in.

Get the legal side wrapped early. Easier when the parents are able to help sort that out.

You're in a bubble both in the day to day and mentally. Need to escape that regularly to break out of of both bubbles.

terrorman

Thanks for the replies, I am back at work today (from home). I am going in to the office on Thursday. I got a bit depressed last night because I was looking at Facebook profiles of a couple of lads in my locality that are married with kids. I was envious and I did get a bit torn up. They met their wives in their early thirties or late twenties though. I was totally aimless in those years and went to college when I was 29. After I graduated I had few jobs and spent a bit of time unemployed. I had mental health issues in those times too. I got this job when I was 44 and and I consider it fairly stable. I will hopefully stay in it until I retire. So I wasn't really in a position conducive to a relationship until recently. But I am living with my parents which makes me a big turn-off. I have kind of accepted I will remain single for life now. I was never good at talking to girls anyway.

Those lads in those Facebook profiles could talk the hind legs off a donkey. I can't tell you the number of times I cam home from a night out years ago so upset that yet again I wasn't able to hold a conversation with whoever it was I had been talking to that night. I was never able to do it. One female friend said to me I was too quiet and I should talk more. It stung (and still does to this day). I know she was only trying to help but it's not like I could wake up one morning and decide "I am going to talk a lot more". Or I could flick a switch in my head that makes me talk more. It's a big disadvantage in the dating game, fatal in fact. I tried really hard, I did, but I just couldn't do it. 

It hurts because I want to talk but I can't think of anything to say. I used alcohol as a crutch a few times but I don't like doing that.

I know girls say they wouldn't mind if a guy is quiet as long as they like him and enjoy his company but I don't believe that. In this country women expect you to talk non-stop for hours and if you can't they will move on to someone who will. I know because I have seen it with my own eyes. I'm not bitter, fair play to those lads that can talk a lot, I envy them, I don't resent them at all. I also don't resent women who reject quiet guys. I can understand it. I think it is something you are born with and you can't train yourself to do it. In social situations when it happens to me I get discouraged and don't go out again. It's just too painful an experience.

Some girls in the past liked the look of me but I always failed the audition once I got talking to them. I could never strike up a rapport or build chemistry.

I woke up early this morning again and I got a bit panicky thinking about the future and what will happen to me. I hyperventilated a bit in fact. Waking up early on a dark morning with those thoughts running through your head is not a nice place to be. I am going back to the HSE for an appointment anyway. Disappointing because it feels like a step back.

As regards getting home help in my sister has already looked into this and the most we can get is one hour a week. I think there was a needs assessment done and that is what they said. That obviously isn't going to be enough so we will have to get a private carer in. They charge between 30 and 30 euro per hour. That will have to come out of my parents savings because the money they get for their pension and the rent of the land is only covering bills (I cover them too). The longer my mother lives the more will have to be taken out of the savings. If her dementia gets really bad we might have to put her into permanent care. In that case we would probably have to sell the land because the cost would be enormous. My father may also have health problems in the future.

But look the way I see it is there has been a carer doing it for free for a good few years (me that is) and that had to come to an end at some stage. She doesn't have bad dementia in fairness but I still have to do things like fetch dinners and do the washing and cleaning. 

We are fortunate in that we have savings and land to pay for home care, others are not so fortunate and that is really tough on them, they have to look after their parents themselves because they can't afford private care and can't get it from the HSE. I wouldn't like it if the land had to be sold but it has happened to other people.

I suspect my sister is reluctant to bring in home help because she knows the savings (and the money from the land if it has to be sold) will be depleted the longer that help continues.

That means there will be less inheritance for her when my parents pass away. Home help is expensive and can eat up thousands in a short time.

If I am doing it for nothing then the longer I am doing it the more money there is for her. She likes the money, I know that. Maybe I should have seen this coming when I moved home six years ago. But I did it primarily out of pity for my parents. Covid played a part too. I miss the independence I had when I lived on my own sometimes.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121560278#Comment_121560278

You are your own worst enemy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man still living at home - honestly that is not a turn off for women. Also girls dont want loud mouth men - they may be great craic on a night out but are annoying as partners. Women want kindness, honesty and reliability which you seem to have. Believe me you have all the qualities that women want - you just need to get out there and start talking to women. Pubs and nightclubs are not the best place for this.

Look into the fair deal scheme if you think your parents may need nursing home care. Also as regards home help you have to become very demanding. You need to say your parents needs are worse than they actually are. You have to say you are working in the office and are not at home to take care of them. You have to tell lies to get home help care - believe me its the only way. Dont go down the route of paying for help - you shouldnt have to do this - your parents are in their 90's and if the authorities dont think they need help well it says it all on what a useless brainless bunch they are.

Allocate weeks where your sister has to assume the role of carer thus freeing up time for you. Talk to people about your situation - chances are some of your married friends also have the same issues with caring for parents. Its not easy for married people with kids that also have to care for parents either - they have a whole other set of difficulties trying to juggle everything. The grass is not always greener Terrorman.

TheadoreT

Being quiet isn't the problem, you being insecure about it is. Your self talk is very negative.

I'm more introverted than extroverted and tend to be on the quiet side, but I'm calm and confident and think I'm interesting. I match best with talkative/excitable women, my girlfriend has never had an issue with it and we probably balance each other out.

Self love and acceptance is key, and not putting yourself mentally at a disadvantage to others you perceive have advantages over you. And never make your perceived shortcomings an excuse for not trying, that's the biggest failure.

Leg End Reject

My best advice is to contact the public health nurse, explain how you feel and demand your parents are given respite care for a week or two. Be difficult until you get this or you'llbe fobbed off.

While in respite their care needs will be properly assessed. This will open the door to home help paid by the HSE, and/or long-term care for one or both of them.

Get yourself away when they're in respite, have a breather and decide honestly if you can continue to live like this if they both come home.

This is very clinical, but guilt can be a killer. You're 50 and you want to make a life for yourself, your parents have had theirs.

looksee

Again, go to your gp and arrange to see a counsellor, that is most urgent at the moment. You have to improve your self-image, you are determinedly (but understandably) in a state of gloom, that can be helped, with counselling or with medication, let your gp decide. When you are better in yourself you will feel more able to sort the issues with your parents.

The whole business of relationships and partners isn't the be-all and end-all you think it is. You need friends, and confidence in yourself and your situation, struggling to find a life-relationship in your current state of mind is not necessarily the solution you need at the moment.

whelan2

What would happen if something happened to you? Life would go on. You need to get your sister to get her finger out and help out. You can't continue as you are.