How to cope w an unfair divorce

Xidu · 27-11-2023 12:15pm #1

Husbanded(Irish) cheated on me when our daughter was only 1 year old, that woman was pregnant and did abortion, it was not in Ireland, I had to pay back that woman for the abortion cost when I found out the cheating, coz husband did not have that country's bank account to pay for it.

Anyway, I was 4 months pregnant with our son, so did not divorce at that time as I can not imagine kids so young yet family is already broken.

We decided to move back to Ireland to give a try, 10 years later, here we are, divorce.

I make 2-3 times than him...yet in this divorcing, I have to give him our family house, and half of the savings, because judges want "fairness" for both parties to move forward with a comfortable life....because I make moooore than him...

How do you get over the feeling that been cheated, and treated unfairly financially, his current girlfriend even got involved telling me what to do with my life, tell me to get a solicitor sort it out quickly, what a bitch, and what a bastard.

Sometimes life is soooooo unfair.

I do not care about the money I lost as I can make more in future 20 years. but how do you get over the feeling of being wronged and seems no justice for me...

Bad people have better life than good people....

crusd · 27-11-2023 12:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058324644/how-to-cope-w-an-unfair-divorce

Marriage means an equal share of assets even when the other party is in the wrong. Just be thankful its done now and going forward will have no hold over you. Hopefully you find future happiness

Xidu · 27-11-2023 12:35pm

so someone cheated on you and hurt you badly

and you have to give them half of your assets to thank him?

Be thankful?

Maybe only God can be thankful.

Furze99 · 27-11-2023 12:36pm

What's sauce for the goose, is sauce for the gander..

Ezeoul · 27-11-2023 12:52pm

I have to give him our family house, and half of the savings, ...

Half the savings I understand, but why do you have to give him the family house?

As a joint marital asset, it should either be sold, and the equity split, or if you earn a lot more than he does, you could buy him out of his share.

As for unfairness - Ireland is a "no fault" State in Separation and Divorce. Which means it does not matter what the reason for the divorce is, it is not considered relevant to the legal proceedings.

Your ex-husband will not be "punished" or "made pay" for cheating on you, so don't expect that. It doesn't work that way.

Xidu · 27-11-2023 1:09pm

the house was built on his family land, and kids have spent their life there. I do not want to fight for the house just to piss him off. Also kids need a stable place to live and school.
i am buying a new house about 10minutes away to be able to co-raise kids.
mother in law barge in the family house almost everyday, she has key, I really don’t wanna see her everyday. And listening to her telling me how to clean my kitchen.
i also bought an investment house in 2022 with my company shares money, but unfortunately that’s being treated as the pool.

so… it’s not about the money, it’s about why bad person gets rewarded? And the good person being punished?

my ex-husband is no way being punished at all. It’s the opposite.

Xidu · 27-11-2023 1:15pm

I need a good reason to get over this.

but not like this is what you signed up for when you get married, get over be thankful

maybe I need a therapist

Ezeoul · 27-11-2023 1:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121423595#Comment_121423595

You need a family law solicitor who specialises in separation / divorce to protect your interests.

And yes, a therapist to help you deal with the emotional side would not be a bad idea.

Xidu · 27-11-2023 1:30pm

solicitor can not change the law, everything we have are treated as a pool, and everything goes 50/50.

as I said, I am not hang up on the money that I lost, because I can make them back I still plan to work for another 20 years.

its the emotional side I need support, as law and God both are not on my side.

Facthunt · 27-11-2023 1:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121423673#Comment_121423673

I feel for you …. But stay positive! 2024 is just around the corner and I’m confident you will rise from the ashes again 🙂

JDD · 27-11-2023 1:56pm

Xidu, I think you were hoping that the financial settlement would somehow punish him for leaving you, unfortunately it doesn't work that way in Ireland.

I am very sorry that things have worked out this way for you. The pain you are feeling is probably not about the money, but more about the emotional effort you have put into this relationship, including previously forgiving him, and how that now feels wasted. You probably also feel a bit "lost at sea", now that the anchor of your relationship is gone. Counselling would be a really good idea. Much as you have every reason to resent, even hate, your husband, you still have to co-parent your children, and that will be much easier when you can be civil with each other.

I can completely see why you would not want to stay in the family home. I assume that your husband was the primary carer for your children? If you have a job that earns significantly more you probably have longer hours, so it makes sense that he stays with them in the family home. As your children get older they may decide to spend more time with you in your new home. I can't imagine that your children are suddenly going to play happy families with your husband's new girlfriend, no matter how nice she might be.

All I will say is that karma gets people eventually. Your husband was a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater, and his new girlfriend will find that out soon enough. Your emotional energy is wasted on him now. Now is the time to focus on yourself, and your children.

Xidu · 27-11-2023 2:53pm

Thank you so much for a long response and your warm words. I really appreciate it.

however my ex is not primer carer for kids, we both work long hours and we had child minder who lives 5 minutes away from family houses, we only stopped it during Covid. it’s just I was luckier that my career took off since 2014. He lost job once and had his own consultant work here and there. His pay is 1/3 of mine but the work is still very busy.

Also mother in law does take care of kids after 4:30pm if we both are not home yet. That’s why mother in law felt she has the right to come in everyday maybe. She always decide things for kids. And I comprise to make her happy as she lost one of her sons due to brain cancer the year our daughter was born. she used to cry a lot and I always let her spend time as much as possible to distract her from missing son.

a lot of times she has crossed the boundaries but I bear with it as she offers help minding kids from 4:30pm-5:30pm before I am home from work. Also because I don’t wanna see her cry.

but my father in law said to me once, no matter how wrong their son is, they have to stand with their son. that time I felt cold. I understand him but I felt cold.

I am not originally Irish, I moved here to fix the marriage issue. All I have is myself and my 2 kids, they are too young to feel about my pain.

Dial Hard · 27-11-2023 2:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121423673#Comment_121423673

Everything is not automatically split 50/50, I have no idea why this idea is so entrenched. What will happen is that you will both be required to lay absolutely everything on the table - assets, incomings, outgoings, the works. The court will then look at who's contributing what - both financially and in terms of childcare, domestically, etc., and make an order for maintenance and/or division of assets based on what they feel is equitable. Your ex may get 50%, he may not get anything near it or he may get more. But nothing is automatic or guaranteed.

You need a family law solicitor and you need to park all notions of punishment or fairness in your discussions with them, because none of that matters in this context. Save that for the therapist which, yes, I would suggest is also needed.

kabakuyu · 27-11-2023 3:00pm

You say the judge decided division of assets, thats the end of it unless your or your ex husbands circumstances change.By the way you appeared to have coped with his previous cheating if you stayed another 10 years with him.Sometimes things just dont work out.

Dial Hard · 27-11-2023 3:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121424102#Comment_121424102

It's actually really unclear to me even after several re-readings whether the OP has actually received a court order on assets yet, or if she’s just assuming that he'll get half. @Xidu , perhaps you could clarify?

Xterminator · 27-11-2023 4:28pm

in Ireland we have no fault divorces. this is to avoid acrimonious divorces where accusations are fired both ways to try to influence the settlement. Its not perfect but if you look at how in other jurisdictions they hire PI's to gather evidence on spouses cheating etc, we do at last avoid some of worst parts. In particular where there are children its best to have the least possible mudslinging in the divorce proceeding.

OP has been cheated on. we take that at face value. i bet it feels very unfair from her point of view. her ex-partner is an adulterer. This does have ramifications if you believe in karma and or an afterlife. And it is very hard to not be bitter. But for the sake of the children one it is best not to be openly hostile to ex or their new girlfriend. Seeing a therapist may help you let go of the negative feelings and be a happier person &better parent.

IMO you allow the wheel to turn in its own time. holding onto negative feelings actually harms your own mental and physical wellbeing. Being a martyr can be bad, if you allow yourself to indulge in negative thoughts.

It does not affect the divorce terms in Ireland. OP wishes it did. I disagree. Its better all around though it might not feel that way while your still hurting. For the divorce get professional advice. Get a fair settlement. It wont be a punitive settlement.

XsApollo · 27-11-2023 4:44pm

Look it’s a **** time, but there is nothing you can do but move forward.

getting on with your life and making yourself happy is the best medicine for them.

Think of the future, in a few years your children will be teens, will be less reliant on both of ye and others in terms of needing minding, and will make their own choice of where to stay and stuff like that, children naturally veer towards their mother.

seems like you have a good job and are comfortable in life that way, the rest will come.

Tombo2001 · 27-11-2023 5:01pm

I've huge sympathy for you. It sounds like you are isolated sociallly. it also sounds like a therapist is a good idea. Check if your healthycare policy can help pay for it.

This is done. Your job now is protect your mental health and figure out what type of life you will have for the next 30/40/50 years.

Tombo2001 · 27-11-2023 5:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121423565#Comment_121423565

Get a family lawyer to help you address these issues. Your mother in law has no right to walk in like that.

Xidu · 27-11-2023 5:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121424142#Comment_121424142

I have had discussion with my solictor and she has advised how would the court would distribute the assets, I assume thats whats going to happen? If my solictor does not even think that I can get more, i do not know why would court give me more?

crusd · 27-11-2023 5:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121423430#Comment_121423430

What I mean is be thankful that he wont get anymore from you once its done

Xidu · 27-11-2023 5:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121424102#Comment_121424102

yes it did not work out, the past 12 years were still full of lies. The worst thing he did, that broke my heart, was he faked his own phone number with his boss's name, and sent a text to himself said need him to USA for work trip.

2 days later, our common friend posted a photo of them drinking in Dublin night club on FB and tagged to me.

I asked him why, he said now and then he felt he has the needs to be away from me and kids. But not all the time.

So he needs things to suit him. The thoughts of trying to make it work, completely broke after that time.

but at least both kids had wonderful 12 years of childhood, thats the only benefits I see.

Till the day our son is a happy boy, my girl is 14 now, she has her own teen life now, I was a bit worried about her, she has became a bit quite since we told them about the divorce decision. I have been taking them to NY and Paris for holidays to cheer them up. Their dad has taken them to Spain also.

XsApollo · 27-11-2023 6:04pm

Oh you haven’t got divorced yet?

you need to get another solicitors opinion and One that specialises in the field.

I hate the stupid biased family law system in this country, but going by how you say things are , you need to use it to fullest.

Xidu · 27-11-2023 6:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121425086#Comment_121425086

I am a bit lost with the system. As solicitor fee is not cheap. While I am trying to save for buying a new house nearby family house so I can see kids everyday easily and they can see me easily. Paid deposit already and by end of April need to pay back the 90% balance.

I intend to keep the investment house as my backup income resource, as nowdays you never know if or when you will lose your job or not.

Ezeoul · 27-11-2023 6:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121425133#Comment_121425133

You should not be purchasing any new property while still legally married, as it will be included in the divorce as a marital asset!

Did your solicitor not advise you of this!?!?

Xidu · 27-11-2023 6:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121425181#Comment_121425181

Thanks for reminding. He has agreed not to touch with this new house.

Madd002 · 27-11-2023 7:03pm

I'd pack kids up and leave If you've no ties, you only came here to save marriage but it didn't work either way, he's not a real man taking half of what your worth even though it was his wrongdoing. Your obviously a strong smart and successful woman in your career, focus on that and get out there and find someone to make you happy. Look after yourself it'll all work out in the end.

Dial Hard · 27-11-2023 7:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121425321#Comment_121425321

This is terrible advice that the OP should absolutely ignore. She has absolutely zero right to remove his children from the jurisdiction. Irish courts don't care about adultery for the reasons outlined above but they take a very, very dim view of children being unilaterally removed from the country.