Husband's Family are getting really toxic

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121423158#Comment_121423158

You could well be breaching data protection law with a letter like this.

Water John

A wacky but cathartic thing for your selves might be, to write the letter and never send it. One time someone sent me a letter of complaint to me, most of it actually convoluted thoughts going on in his own head. I was furious, sat down and wrote my angry response, but never posted it. The issue was let lie as I had actually refused to take the bait.

Bogroll2003

The dynamics in these types of families are so ingrained that you are wasting your time trying.

Take it from me, nothing is resolved, ever.

Casual abuse and nastiness is normalised. Family members form little (usually temporary) alliances and cliques that suit in the moment and serve to keep people down and the cycle going. And anyone who steps out from under the weight of the abuse or speaks out , is isolated.

You might, with all will and diplomacy , get to a point where this latest drama is seemingly resolved, but then another thing happens. Time after time. Dragging you back to the feeling of wtf is this!

This is the important bit: normal rules and expectations don’t apply is these families, because they are not normal, in the sense of the members being interdependent and mutually supportive. They are toxic. You are not dealing with people who want to resolve things. They want to win and feel like they got the better of you.

I think your interactions will become so exhausting that you’ll eventually need to pull back for your and your family’s own sanity, or you end up like them, playing along to get along. Aka enabling the dysfunctional dynamics. Then you’re passing the behaviour down to the next generation, I.e your kids, and that is the worst outcome of all.

argentum

If you can afford to do without the money then I'd forget it, move on ,and tell the husband to throw the letters in the bin once he gets them so he's not upset or sucked into her games .

If you need the money I'd tell the whole family that she borrowed money and refuses to pay it back and ask has she done the same to anyone else

Other than that I wouldn't be arsed dealing with his family, it's his family you don't need to like them

hello2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436863#Comment_121436863

well explained! very hard to live this way as normal person always want to fix problems but overtime you realize there are many issues better left unresolved..

notAMember

I think if you stir this up with a poison pen letter at Christmas, you'd be (rightly) accused of being fairly toxic yourself!

To diffuse, you need to let things settle, and let your husband deal with the money and his sister. It is nothing to do with you. He lent it to her, it is his responsibility to get it back, or absorb it as a loss. It sounds like she is in financial trouble also, so is under stress as it is. You won't get a good reaction poking your nose in

And it's a lesson to you, if you could afford to lend it, you could afford to lose it, this is how the responsibility of lending works, and why banks charge interest for this.