Wedding invite drama

Tork

OP, there could be all sorts of reasons why your brother has invited your father to the wedding. Maybe it is for optics, or perhaps he genuinely still has some emotional attachment. Family relations and rational thinking aren’t necessarily bedfellows. Your brother might be feeling more sentimental and reflective in the run-up to his wedding too.

I’m glad to see you’re going to go. The wedding is your brother’s day and it isn’t your place to bring family drama into it. Guests will spot your father there and they’ll also notice if you haven’t shown up. As has already been said upthread, a wedding is an easy place to avoid guests. As long as your brother doesn’t decide to sit your father near the rest of the family, all should be fine.

If your father has always been the crappy parent you’ve described, he’s not going to change. There’s a good chance that he’ll drift out of your brother’s life again. You, on the other hand, will still be around. Why cast a shadow over your brother’s big day and potentially damage your relationship over somebody who’s likely to be gone again soon?

chrisd2019

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322459/wedding-invite-drama

It is not your wedding, you attend if you want to share your brothers occasion. You do not have to interact with anyone you choose not too. You may not enjoy the day though, but in the future you may be glad you did.

Am sure it is a difficult situation for your brother also.

Murt10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322459/wedding-invite-drama

I'm lost. Is he your biological father as well, or is your brother actually your 1/2 brother?

Anyway, as you say he's an alcoholic and a degenerate. Based on that alone, I'd be heading off as soon as I could after the ceremony or meal.

While he may have been told to stay away from you for the day, after a few drinks, and in an inebriated state, he may decide to either confront you or to apologise. One way or another, it has the potential to end up very badly, and to ruin the day for everyone. This is a much worse outcome than you not attending or departing from the celebrations smartly, which is what I'd be doing.

Once you've done your duty, attended and escaped, anything that happens after that is nothing to do with you.

Madd002

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322459/wedding-invite-drama

Just go, take previous posters advice, stay outta his way but do it for your brother, you can decide when it's your day. I have a similar prick in my family with those traits,he walked sister's down aisle but I'd say they didn't want people talking, but we all hate him, would speak curtly to him for sake of my mother she took him back when we were late teens. Will only visit when he's not there. I didn't invite them to my wedding they were quite annoyed but i have lovely memories of my wedding day as he wasn't part of it.!!

3DataModem

You are perfectly fine feeling the way you do.

You are perfectly fine not attending for that reason.

Let your brother know your feelings, make your decision, and leave it at that.

3DataModem

At my friends wedding the MOG told the groom about her ex "If your father attends, I won't I'm afraid."

No drama, no hassle, she didn't make a big deal, her reasons were valid (to her), and her son decided not to invite the dad.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121364759#Comment_121364759

You can leave early- the most enjoyment will be had earlier in the day anyway - socialise with people you want to be around - don’t make issue of the father being there- keep upbeat- leave early - you don’t have to stay to the bitter end - and you don’t have to make a song and dance about leaving early either -it’s quite possible though that the father will leave early himself so that will sort that -

It’s your brothers day- if it all goes tits up for whatever reason that’s his dodo to deal with .

Enjoy the day out - be happy for your brother - after that you’ll survive - if you make an issue of it via conversation with others on the day you’re bringing down the enjoyment both for yourself and others

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322459/wedding-invite-drama

I think you are being very harsh on your brother. Instead of calling him spineless, maybe you should reconsider that just because you dont have a desire to have a semblance of a relationship with the father.. maybe he does. He may intellectually know he does not, but that might not be covering his emotional need or wish to have it. Quite often we have desires that are not fully cognative but still quite powerfully motivating. For him, maybe even the dream of his father being present at his wedding is important. Its not weak or spineless for him to meet his needs. I think the motivations you are ascribing to your brother are coming from your needs/views of things, and not his. IF he shared your views, maybe you'd be right but i suspect he doesnt.

I understand you are angry, and i personally would be more like you in this situation than your brother. I'd just not invite anyone i dont have a good relationship with. I dont do polite invites to people.

You wont have a ruined day if you attend. It's pretty easy to ignore one person in the room. A polite 2 minute chat is all that might happen. Your job as a brother is to support your brother. Show him the respect he deserves by being there on his big day. You dont need to agree with peoples decisions to support them in thier freedom to make their own choices. That would eventually just end up losing relationships with people that differ from you.. which is everyone.

Support your brother, ignore the father. Its a suitable compromise of your own boundaries and responsibilities.