Wedding invite drama

thestar

I'll keep this as short as I can.

Family wedding in a few weeks. Father of groom getting married. Father of said groom abandoned him and his siblings as a child. No relationship between the two, ever, never supported the family. Mixture of alcoholism and just being a degenerate.

This father is still getting invited as it's time to "move on" and "he's still our father". The groom is my brother and I think he's just inviting him to show people we have some sort of a relationship which we don't.

I haven't fallen out with my brother but I don't agree with having him there at all. It's not my day I know but having to look at him will just ruin my day.

I just think it's an embarrassment and spineless of my brother to have him there, I just think he should have more respect for himself than inviting him.

Rant over, am I wrong?

wandererz

To save yourself the embarrassment and spinelessness, decline the invitation.

Just don't go on principal.

Save yourself the hassle and go to France/Spain/Portugal instead.

Allinall

As you said. It’s his day, and his call as to who he invites ( along with his partner, of course).

If you feel that strongly, you always have the option of not attending, and letting your brother know why.

Tom Mann Centuria

Horrible situation but It's not your day. It's your Brother's day, accept it and do your best to be civil, for his sake.

lazeedaisy

Whilst it's family, it's not your fight.

It's hard to sit back, but both the bride and groom have obviously made this decision, that's their right, it's their wedding.

peter4918

Father of groom getting married? Confused here?

Iodine1

I think you should definitely attend. Two wrongs not making a right etc. Based on past experience Father will disappear back to where he came from and not bother you again. However by you not attending, you are creating a rift between you and your brother and ALSO his new wife, which you will regret I feel. You can make a stand when its your own turn and leave him at home then.

Dial Hard

While they may be somewhat your monkeys, it's not your circus. You either respect your brother's decision or you choose not to go to the wedding yourself. That's the only outcome you can control here - your own.

Fwiw, I didn't go to my brother's wedding - for very different reasons. I don't regret it, never have, and we still have a great relationship.

MrMusician18

Are you wrong about what? Thinking your brother is spineless for trying to keep up appearances - maybe, but maybe not. Not inviting a parent to your wedding is crossing a Rubicon that's hard to come back from, so perhaps your brother wants or hopes for reconciliation of some sort in time to come. We can't say as we don't know

Are you wrong for having an opinion on this. Nope, absolutely not.

Are you entitled to inform your brother that seeing your father will ruin your day or ask him to be uninvited. I'd say absolutely not. The wedding invite list is the bride and groom's to decide - theirs and theirs alone. It's their day, bite your tongue and keep a lid on the drama so the day is remembered for the right reasons.

Spanish Eyes

If you feel that strongly about it, and you are the only one to judge how much his presence will affect you, then I would just attend the ceremony, wish Bride and Groom well, give them a decent present and then leg it. So don't attend the reception, where with alcohol involved (usually) things can get heated. Avoid all that but show your brother that you care enough to see them hitched and wish them well.

thestar

Thanks for all the responses.

I'll be there, I wouldn't do it to my mother.

I suppose I just feel like even all we've been through we can't even sing off the same hymn sheet and I'm being made out to be some sort of renegade by not wanting him there.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't get to decide on the guest list for someone else's party. You just get to decide whether or not you attend. Please don't make your brother's wedding about you. There is enough stress and upset at an average wedding (there's always issues coming towards the day, something or someone causing upset) without you adding to it by sulking over your father.

There will be loads of people there that day. You will very easily be able to avoid having to speak to your father at all. There will be family, friends, relations. I've been at family weddings and barely spoken to family at all, all day. Nobody there will care as much as you do about this. Enjoy your day away from your father. Don't make it an issue and don't spend the day giving out about him to other guests. Avoid him as much as possible. It won't be difficult.

marilynrr

It's not my day I know but having to look at him will just ruin my day.

I'd be the same. No doubt you have suffered some kind of trauma due to him and it's not easy to suck it up when you're triggered by someone like that. You said you're definitely attending so hopefully he leaves early after the ceremony.

HBC08

The title of the thread is wedding invite drama.

Who is the person causing the drama?

It seems to be you.

You get to decide who comes to your wedding and nobody else's,that's just the way it is.

road_high

Just ignore him if that’s what you want. Good thing about weddings is you usually can stay away from those you dislike or can’t stand

Bridget Clarke

I would definitely boycott the wedding. An ass^ole father who abandoned his kids should be treated with the distain he deserves. Personally - if such a degenerate was on fire, I wouldn’t waste my pee on the scumbag. There is a very special place in hell reserved for pondlife who abandon their own kids.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121364759#Comment_121364759

How does your mother feel about your father being invited?

Duvet Day

How does your mam feel about it? It cant be easy for her.

Just go and totally ignore him, I can't understand why he's invited tbh, I personally wouldn't have done so...maybe he's contributing to the cost or giving a large monetary gift? I dont think a wedding is the time to heal a rift, no one will be fooled by it even if you're brother thinks otherwise.

Markus Antonius

Once it was bridezillas, now bro-zillas!

Weddings and Birthdays must be the biggest drama-machines. Why we still do them is beyond me...

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Warning applied for breach of charter. As per the Charter, offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread.

HS

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121364759#Comment_121364759

That's fine.

Show up for the ceremony and leave after the dinner.

You don't need to be there any longer than that. Don't interact with your father, definitely request a different table if you're seated near him and walk out the door as soon as dessert is over.

Personally, my thought are that your feeling are your own, and obviously your brother feels different. Is it worth falling out with your brother over? I doubt it, and I would encourage you to support your bro on his big day, at least as much as is socially acceptable.

spakman

It's your brother's wedding day - keep that in mind.

Don't make it about yourself. Steer clear of your father, there will be plenty of other people to talk to.

Do not refuse to attend, or walk out the door as soon as the meal is over - that will only create a scene and something that will potentially cause an issue between you and your brother - and much as you don't like it, he hasn't done anything wrong.

Sometimes you have to put up with stuff you don't like, that's life - despite what some on boards would have you believe, it isn't always right to do what you feel like.

z80CPU

No you're not wrong OP.

But that " it's time to move on .. ....FORGIVE!!!!!!! " is ingrained more than ever in Irish society across the social classes.

Some close acquaintances still accept my own perception.

johnjohn3423

Is your brother only inviting him to try and get some inheritance down the line perhaps. As people have said making a stand over this or a scene will only play into other peoples hands.

JDD

Are you right in thinking your brother is spineless? Probably, though we don't really ever know what goes on in someone else's head.

Are you right to try and get him to uninvite your father? Em, I guess you can try but ultimately it's your brother's decision.

Should you go to the wedding? Yes, in my opinion. Even if your day will be ruined by looking at your father's smarmy degenerate face, you should suck it up. If you don't go it'll be all everyone talks about on the run up to the day. Thus taking the focus away from the bride and groom. It's only one day. You'll sit separately from him in the church, and separately from him at the meal. There's no reason to speak to him at all. And you can leave early if you like. Get someone else to support your mum until the early evening, so she isn't left cornered by him, and know that you'll have done the right thing. Ultimately your father won't have a better relationship with you if he attends the wedding so it makes no difference in the long run. What relationship your brother has with your father is his decision too - and ultimately attendance at a wedding won't do much to mend bridges, unless he follows up with some consistency. If he's still a degenerate, that's not going to happen, so this one day will be anomoly.

Don't let the invitation lead to you falling out with your brother. Otherwise your father gets to do further damage to your family, and you can't let that happen.

Ezeoul

Go, but let your brother know in advance, that you won't be sitting at the same table as him, and you won't be appearing in any fake family photos that include him.

Support your mother.

bucketybuck

It's not my day I know but having to look at him will just ruin my day.

You know it is not your day but still you want to make it about you, how does that work?.

You can invite whoever the hell you want to your wedding, and your brother can invite whoever he wants to his.

Maybe your day will be ruined, but since it isn't your day to begin with then its hardly going to be the end of the world.

Go and make your brother and mother happy, ignore your father all day, move on afterwards.

Sunny Dayz

Does your brother have a relationship with your father?

Has your father confirmed he is attending?

It's a bit strange that someone would accept an invitation to attend the wedding of someone they don't have a relationship with.

Ironman76

I didn’t invite my father to my wedding. He was a similar type to the chap you mention. Abandonment was bad enough but then bullying and mental abuse from both he and his wife (my stepmother) my whole life. (Until I sorted it out the old fashioned way).

The bizzare thing was a few of my aunts threatened not to go if he wasn’t invited. Got a lot of “Well he’s my brother”’etc. And more bizzare was that they had fallen out with him themselves?!? I guess blood is thicker than water. .

Anyway I don’t regret my decision. And have had cousins etc invite me to their weddings over the years since and I declined to go as he was going. No issue with me and no hard feelings. It’s their day not mine. And it’s cousins not siblings.

I say go to the wedding. If your father is the piece of work you claim your brother will appreciate you being there. Don’t give the man the satisfaction of seeing he has caused any divide.

Best of Luck.

RiderOnTheStorm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121366673#Comment_121366673

...dont give him the satisfaction ....

+1 on this.

You might not have a great day because the dad is there, but he can be avoided. Its 1 day. You can do it. If you dont go, then the ripple effect between your bro & wife will go on for a long time (as has been mentioned).

PS the man he was years ago may not be the man he is now. People change. My tuppence worth is, "go and judge from a safe distance"

LimeFruitGum

We don't know yet if the father has even confirmed he'll go. If he has never been around for other family events before, how likely is it that he will come anyway? Is he one of those that'll say he'll go and then bail on the day? If he doesn't respond or decline, then grand, you all get to enjoy the day as usual.

If he confirms and it looks likely that he will show, I think it is worth having a conversation with your brother and mother and key supports about what to do if he starts acting up.