Entitlement to a bedroom in co-owned home

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121369854#Comment_121369854

"An ungrateful little shite" or a young teen who is caught in between two parents in an escalating war with each other, and who doesn't have the tools or maturity to deal with what is happening in his home, so retreats into avoidance so he isn't dragged into the conflict or asked to "pick sides"?

Kids are not stupid, nor are they un-effected by marital breakdown.

onaplane

It's not as simple as just selling the house and buying two smaller ones, there would not be enough equity to do that, plus she won't agree to sell, stability for the kids until they are finished education, plus we bought the house on the affordable housing scheme and still have 4 years of the clawback to go. My youngest would be 18 by then so it would be a possibility then.

In regards to having loads of money cause I brought my son on a bonding trip to Disney, yes, it cost a lot, but I saved hard to make that happen.

I guess the best thing to do is just repurpose the living room into my bedroom. There's another room with a TV and sofa so it's not like the kids/wife can't have anywhere to hang out downstairs.

I know she's got a letter from the legal aid board so probably waiting for an appointment then she'll start proceedings and I'd say she's banking on being the caregiver and remaining in the house until the kids are finished 3rd level education and me being told to leave my home, I'll be forced to rent god knows where and god knows how much for 9 years until I can then push the sake of the home. Right now, herself only went back to work 10 months ago, after not working for 18 years. 2 months into her work, she decided she could be independent and that's when she said it was over.

I've been to a solicitor and they told me that with the kids as old as they are now, the most likely outcome is that the judge will force the sale of the house. I'm not convinced though.

Yes, it's just bricks and mortar, but I don't want to renting a small room in a house with other people I don't know, or in a studio miles from my kids paying through the nose for it. I do want to live in the same house as my kids.

My youngest is certainly copying his mother, with stonewalling, which I wouldn't wish on anyone, it really is mental torture.

My eldest who's 18 is seeing what's happening to me and not to say he on my side, but he's good with me and I do a lot for him.

I work remotely due to my condition, and need a private internet connection as well.

Ah, it's just a big mess that I wish wasn't happening.

iniscealtra

You’re thinking positively now. Repurposing the room into a proper comfortable room for yourself is a good plan. Then ask for the house to be sold and wait for it be sold however long that takes. In the meantime get on with building a life for yourself and building a relationship with your kids. Good luck OP.

road_high

Not sure how far the legal caregiver thing would get her seem as she clearly isn’t the primary caregiver as you still live there and you share that responsibility. They’re also heading into young adulthood. I moved out at 18 myself to go to college.

Try not be defeatist- exactly what she wants is to wear you down mentally so you’ll leave and she can have possession of the house (which you indicated you mostly paid for) hassle free. Don’t make it that easy for her.

As for the primadonna routine from the younger lad I’d have a very low tolerance for that given all you provide. Teens can be ungrateful but there’s no need for disrespect to a parent like this

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121363884#Comment_121363884

Or hop into the bed beside her, after putting a plank down the middle of it.

mrcheez

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121363884#Comment_121363884

Not on topic, but interesting how everyone read this as the partner being female. Which was proven correct.

I wonder would a husband in this situation do the same thing and call the other "selfish for not moving out"

Ezeoul

 Right now, herself only went back to work 10 months ago, after not working for 18 years. 2 months into her work, she decided she could be independent and that's when she said it was over.

Being the parent who stays at home to raise children does not equal to "not working" and you "paying for everything". Anyone who thinks this in this day and age, needs to give their head a wobble, and check out how much it would cost to hire a full time housekeeper and childminder in the home.

Your wife obviously has put a plan in place for herself. She has gone back to work, setting herself up when the time comes when you are physically separated - but you should see this as a good thing for you, as it means you won't be liable for spousal maintenance when the time comes. So see that as a plus. Also as legal proceedings haven't even begun yet, by the time you get a court date she will be able to apply for a mortgage in her own name.

There's another room with a TV and sofa so it's not like the kids/wife can't have anywhere to hang out downstairs.

Ok, could you leave the living room as it is, and repurpose this room into a bedroom for yourself?

onaplane

I certainly didn't mean it wasn't work , we both had our roles, and undoubtedly raising children is a job. You are correct about her setting herself up. Just wanted to clarify I wasnt saying she was doing nothing, it's just a kick in the teeth that's all.

No, the other room is open plan with the kitchen.

Thanks for all the replies and opinions to everyone that's commented. If you've all been here you'll know how much of a struggle it is :)

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121372864#Comment_121372864

Okay, then if there is an open plan room with sofa and tv etc, then you should definitely proceed with converting the living room into a comfortable space for yourself.

You don't need anyone's permission, just go ahead and do it.

Bass Reeves

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121372325#Comment_121372325

As long as you do not leave the house and she fails to get a barring order the judge will probably order a house sale. If one of you can finance it you can buy the other party out.

The best advice any male can get is in a separation situation do not leave the house

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121369949#Comment_121369949

This, looks like you're working from here as well. So set it up to suit your needs both sleeping and workwise. Might be better than getting children to share as then you'll have a bedroom but maybe a less comfortable place to work.

Beware of posters here with axes to grind. Everyone is different, so find a way to make it work till some more permanent arrangement can be made.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121372970#Comment_121372970

I agree with this. Which is likely why she is making it so uncomfortable for the OP to crack him so he’ll leave- don’t give in.

She needs to learn it’s not all win-win in a break up scenario

mariaalice

Completely left field but could you finance something like this and have it fit in to your back garden, you would be there but separated and have you own space with your own bathroom for the moment at least until the children grow up, when the house will have to be sold.

Its a horrible situation for your children don't use one of them as an emotional crutch its very unfair to them.

https://www.thepodfactory.ie/gallery/

thatshowthelightgetsin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121372550#Comment_121372550

18 Years not working outside the home and with a mere two (grown) kids to raise? That's a huge luxury, or a huge pisstake. Just how much work at home does it entail after the kids get to four or so years of age, especially in this age of throwing some technological device at them to keep them distracted? Just how much "housework" needs to be done in all those hours the kids are at school, camps, and all the rest?

All across Ireland both parents work outside the home after the first 6 months or year of the child's life and manage to raise the kids at the same time, sharing the work. She has had a very handy number indeed. I'd imagine the judge will make an issue out of Lady Muck's 18-year-long hiatus from full-time work.

road_high

Could work in her favour though too? The devoted mother spiel who sacrificed her career and earnings all for her sons.

My own uncle was married to one of these lazy nightmares. She did get the house in the end but in his circumstances I think it was a price worth paying to be rid of her

amdublin

Are you sleeping on a sofa or a proper bed?

At a minimum I would be putting a bed in the living room and turning it in to your proper bedroom

onaplane

After 2 years I've just got a camp bed and recently bought a cheap mattress, I'm starting to repurpose the room to be as much of a "bedsit" as possible.

Yesterday I discovered that she had put a bolt lock on the outside of the master bedroom door, denying me access to the shower and room, is this legal? Any clue anyone? We are not legally separated or divorced, but living seperate in the same home.

Tefral

Man, you need to get legally seperated, you also need to get legal advice. In these situations you can be the hunter or the hunted. You need to choose which one you are happy with. (Ps. Its not a hard choice) its over, you need to protect yourself and your mental health, you can do this by taking back control of things you have control over.

For what its worth, I genuinely feel for you, but theres only so long you can wallow in your situation. Time to Stand up.

Private Joker

I absolutely feel so sorry for your situation. It's bloody horrible what you are going through.

You've had some really good advice here. Its time to take back control of your life, remove all emotion from the situation.

Make a comfortable retreat for yourself in the living room withg a proper bed. Keep yourself active, gather positive people around you, reach out to friends you've lost touch with. Your youngest will evenutally see things clearer.

Both of you should go to mediation, which should lay out a few boundaries in the household. you are entitled to feel safe, secure and comforable in your own home.

Have a positive mental attitude about it, i know that's easier said than done

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121883282#Comment_121883282

Why didn't you take one of the other bedrooms like you were advised? You essentially turning the living room into a bedsit seems like quite a passive-aggressive move and I'm not sure either you or your wife are giving any consideration as to how this situation is potentially affecting your sons.

Seriously, dude, I'll repeat what I said when you first posted - get yourself a solicitor ASAP. This situation was always going to devolve into increasingly petty points-scoring against eachother and that's literally how that's playing out. She puts a lock on the bedroom door, you react by making the living room essentially hostile territory. You both need to cop yourselves on and start behaving like adults. You're setting a terrible example for your sons, and what exactly is the endgame here? You both try and wait the other out??? That's not going to happen, so deal with it.

onaplane

I understand where you are coming from, however.

I asked/tried to discuss moving the kids into the large bedroom and was told no, she won't disturb the kids.

I asked to eat with them 2/3 times a week, she said no, she wouldn't give up that time she spends with them. I cookdr Xmas dinner every year for the 19/20 with been together, this year I was shunned and had to eat alone. I was quite funny, regardless of the money I give her for kids food, on Xmas morning she told me not to use some of the oil to cook some sausages 😅,

It's like I've been kicked out of the family I gave and planned my life with. I'm at my wits end and having a lot of low times, so I'm struggling but working on it. I'm sure anyone who has been here will understand the emotional pain.

I have been to a solicitor and they told me that there are no restrictions on a room that I can enter, as I own the house and neither of us can deny access to any part of the house from each other, unless you're getting dressed, sleeping etc..

The reason I'm repurposing the room, is because I can't live in the space as I am anymore, I'm sure that's understandable. I don't want to disrupt the kids either and it suits me, though everyone has told me, they are both older boys, people do this all the time. I know that.

I'm well aware of the effect this will have on our children in later life, I can't control it sadly, the older lad sees what's going on, the younger guy, he won't speak to me, it's like he's her only friend and she's using him against me, as well as parental alienation, signing legal documents for him without my consent (control issue)

Sadly, I can't mediate with her on our living situation or the future of the home, she is banking on a judge making me homeless because she's the primary caretaker (by force) , the solicitor has told me this won't happen, as have others in the same boat,

Regardless of the 17 years she didn't work, all of a sudden she has a job, a did a diploma, yet she's not trying to increase her wage by applying for a higher paid job in this new field and keeping it low on purpose), she won't drive but has the money for a care, the list goes on.

In no way have i been an angel, but I do believe I don't deserve this, at this stage I'd be happy to take my share of the house and start again, kids always welcome. Her, I don't know her anymore or what she's become, the language used is abhorrent, vindictive and intentional.

We bought the house on the affordable housing scheme 16 years ago, so just another 4 years to go without paying back anything to the council, I'm not made of money and certainly could afford to rent and pay bills and maintenance while I wait out years for the house to be sold. So, yes, I need to make this room a bedsit (nearly done), there's another room as a living room so they are not denied of a downstairs living space.

My question a few posts ago was the legality of putting a bolt lock on the outside of the door, which is escalating the situation for everyone and the kids. The electric shower and some if my possessions are in there.

Anyway, if you made it this far, that's the gist of it, it's not as easy as you may think to act amicable when one person isn't playing ball.

I leave it here for now.

road_high

Have you gotten legal advice? I don’t believe you’re going to achieve anything by talking to this person directly like an adult. That time is gone. The three of them are taking the piss- you are the only one actually earning but you are dumped in the living room. Get a grip. Having own bedrooms is a total luxury . I never had my own room until I went to college and some of the years I had to share with a friend

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121905392#Comment_121905392

^^ This.

onaplane

Can you explain what you mean by referring to my comment?

Senature

Why are you looking for permission to have dinner with your kids and use the kitchen? You don't need to be agro or a d1ck about it, but use the kitchen and make any meal, for whoever you want, whenever you want. Take a screwdriver and remove the bolt from the bedroom door and get your stuff that you need. If another lock goes up, remove it too. Would it be easier to use the family bathroom, why fuss about accessing the ensuite? Why are you paying your wife maintenance money, couldn't you do the shopping yourself and buy the kids the clothes, shoes etc that they need? If you are making over 50% contribution between mortgage, bills, food, school, clothes, Dr, kids activities etc you don't need to give her any money. You are complaining about her controlling everything but you are contributing by your passivity. Take action. Not good for your kids to see a big bolt on a door in a house.

Esho

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121369813#Comment_121369813

Protection orders work both ways - have been used as an offensive weapon when there's an evil party in the breakup. I would get a lot of very good advice before even considering it.

My heart goes out to you OP.