I have just realised I have chosen the wrong path in my life
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I think your wife deserves to be in a loving relationship rather than stuck with somebody who never really loved her in the first place, but just went along with it (of his own volition). So I think you should being the process of ending things. But not to be with your married ex - to do some work on yourself and live as an independent person who may one day be fit to be somebody’s partner. It’s not your wife’s fault you don’t have the flash car- and you’re less likely to be able to afford it as a single man paying maintenance and rent as well as a mortgage.
Not all men blindly get married and have kids because they don’t know how to say no - plenty make a wise choice and are happy.
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" men are more under the thumb than we let on to be. How many times have you heard a man utter the saying "happy wife, happy life"?"
dont blame women for being simps! Stand your ground be respectful, but firm. Also this "happy wife, happy life" yeah... and happy husband matters just as much... and more if you are the husband...
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The first girl had decided to travel, she always wanted to see the world and I was always a home boy.
Ok, so you two were very different and wanted different things. The relationship wasn't going to last one way or another. If it didn't end after 2 years it would have ended after 4 or 10...
I met a girl who I didn't hate which was nice.
...I don't think I ever saw a long term future but like I mentioned I was comfortable.
My friends accepted my new girlfriend as a friend also which was great.
We end up moving in together and eventually we buy a house together.
...I end up getting married to my girlfriend and we have our own kids
You didn't "end up" moving in together. You didn't "end up" buying a house. You didn't "end up" getting married. You decided every step of the way to do those things. You never saw a longterm future with this woman, but you didn't want to be left behind by all your friends so you decided to move in with her, marry her and have children.
She opened up to me too and said some things that made me think I chose the wrong path in life.
She thinks we could have had a life together.
You couldn't. She was far more ambitious and adventurous than you. You either would have held her back, and she would have resented it. Or she would have dragged you to somewhere you didn't want to be, and you would have resented it.
It was difficult not kissing her but I kept it together as I respect that she is married.
The next day I could not stop thinking about her, I had to see her one last time.
She couldn't see me so we talked.
She could if she wanted. She didn't want to. You had ruined the illusion. You had said things out loud that you both always knew, but that were left unsaid so that she could go along pretending you were just old friends, but knowing that you wanted her. She could have met you that day if she wanted. If it meant enough to her. If she thought you "could have had a life together". She didn't. And she doesn't. She avoided you that day.
Not every marriage goes the distance. Especially if you just settled for the sake of settling but now resent that you've settled. This is all you, by the way. It's not your wife's fault, much as you try to paint her as the villain in your story. You have been an adult the entire time you've known her. You moved in with her. You married her. You created a family with her. If you've made wrong choices that's on you.
Your wife is as miserable as you are, make no mistake about that. She also made the wrong choices. She married a man who was indifferent to her. Who chose her because he didn't hate her and because she was from the same area as his "amazing ex".
You and your wife have a lot of talking to do. I'm usually very slow to advise anyone to end their marriage. It's a huge decision to make. But in this instance it releases everyone.
Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on15 -
Don't worry about any of this coming as a shock to your wife, either. She already knows.
At least, if you were honest and told her who you were meeting up with, she does.
"Following this she tells me she would be back again an a few months so I had another meeting to look forward to.
She said she wanted to spend a bit more time together this visit so I ran it by the wife and got the evening off.
We had so much fun when we met up, she looked stunning and I really enjoyed the time spent together and stayed out all night."
Though I wonder if you did tell her about these meet-ups over the years.
I certainly can't imagine anyone's spouse being happy with the partner going off and staying out all night with an ex.
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There's a huge amount of assumptions being made here about the op ... I do think that what has happened with them is crossing a line though...
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And for anybody who wants a recap; met up with a long time friend who I used to go out with and have subconsciously put up on a pedestal my whole life, got the glad eye for her because she is still stunning, managed to keep it on my pants, realised I need help coming to terms with what just happened and have sought professional help from a therapist as I want to save my marriage.
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You now want us to believe you're motivated to save your marriage but you also wrote this...
"No man alive doesn't have a desire to be young free and single again but dare he open his mouth and wench will take everything from him.
I think the best advice I got on here was to have the afair (sic) and get it out of my system. Yeah it'll probably lead to other problems but it can't possibly get much worse, I'm messed up as it is."
In a way, I hope your wife stumbles upon this thread. I am absolutely certain she is already unhappy with the cards she has been dealt in her marriage and I would put money on it that she suspects your eye has wandered. Seeing herself referred to as a 'wench' might give her the last bit of impetus she needs to shed the dead wood.
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We got that from your OP, but then you posted again and tried to make out you were a victim and under the thumb, which is why you got the replies you got. Go back to your thread title "...I have chosen the wrong path in life". YOU chose this path. Your wife didn't do this to you, but your update was extremely misogynistic and self pitying.
Why do you feel entitled to have an affair to get it out of your system, you settled for a woman you didn't love and you think that gives you the right to betray her? You said it can't possibly get much worse for you, well an affair could make it a hell of a lot worse for your wife, just do the decent thing and leave, don't betray her even more. You could also make things a hell of a lot worse for your kids and give them lifelong trust issues with partners and you could ruin your own relationship with them.
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Let me share something with you. A long-time ago in my late teens I met a guy and fell madly in love. It lasted a few years. I went away to study and got caught up in student life. We split. Life went on and in my late 20s I married a wonderful man, had a child and we'd a great life. Beautiful house, no financial issues etc. I never stopped thinking about the other guy. Long story short - we reconnected, began a passionate affair and both left our spouses.
Actually living together was a nightmare. I couldn't stand him. I ended up alone, single parent, financially nowhere near as secure, big house gone, child angry at me etc. The man I married was a great guy and we could have had it all except for my stupidly. He's happily remarried with a family.
Don't do this. You'll regret it for the rest of your life. She's in the past. It's a notion. Save your family, your future, yourself.
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You wanted women's opinions, and here is mine: Let your wife go. From the start you spoke of her like she was the fall back option, describing her as someone you 'didn't hate'. Then you go on to talk about how you wanted to kiss this piece from Australia whilst saying 'I wanted to respect her marriage' like you hadn't one of your own. Wtaf..
Then you start shítting on about how other men are like you, to justify your vile attitude towards women and atrocious attitude towards your own marriage. Unlike you, your wife probably married you for love. I can tell you, she has no idea who she is married to either. She'd run a mile if she knew the truth, I know I would. Imagine going through life knowing you're someone's fall back option? How utterly soul destroying. You make life mistakes and drag an innocent woman around for the ride, yet we are to say 'poor you'.. 'life is so unfair'.. 'go for it, have an affair!'..
Let your wife go. Focus on being a good parent and growing the hell up.
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Listen op. No point bullshitting a bullshitter. You're going to try and get into her knickers first chance you get.
Cut all contact now. You're fecking up two families now. Both of you.
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... I want to save my marriage.
Who are you kidding, OP? Because it's not anyone here. 24 hours ago you were deciding the best advice you got here was to go have the affair. So, which is it? Because you certainly can't have both.
I feel almost sorry for you. You did make bad decisions, and those bad decisions have led you to where you are today, with a wife and children who depend on you. But, as they say, you are where you are. You don't get to walk away and start all over again without the "wench" and children cramping your style. Your ex isn't going to get back with you. I don't believe she's interested in an affair with you. She may have let you kiss her, but she would have walked away, back to her husband and told you it was a mistake.
I hope you get something from the therapy. As you rightly said you're not the only man to feel like this. And don't think there's not women out there who feel like that too. The choices you make have consequences. And it's not really acceptable to walk away from those consequences to chase a memory. The reality rarely turns out like you imagine the dream does. Don't make any decisions now based on heightened emotions. It might well come to it that your marriage ends. But end it because you know it's the right thing to do, not because you think you have a chance at a life with your ex.
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Why do you want to save your marriage when it sounds like you dont even like your wife? The respect you should be showing her and your marriage only applied to your ex and her marriage. Dont give the veiled incel bull about being under the thumb and most men wanting that A6 and keeping the wife happy at all costs etc etc. Its martyr bull, you went along with something cause you didnt have the balls to be honest to your wife or you by the sounds of it.
Your a dreamer and fantasizing about a life you didnt create for yourself so youre the victim. As others have pointed out you made these choices. I really hope counselling helps and you get what is right for you and shows you that when you make a choice you make the right one for you and own it.
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I had unsubscribed from this thread but felt the need to come back here and add this link. It’s a speech by Frank abgnale, long at 30min but worth the listen. How he describes his role with his children is what I feel is important. Maybe let the first 25 mins take you away to a dreamland or fantasy but the ending then I hope means something or has purpose for you.
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Join Date:Posts: 25439
You are thinking that she's got genuine feelings for you the same way you do for her but I actually do think for her, you're an ego boost and a holiday diversion. A harmless flirtation and one that you've bought into as being more than it is. If you messaged her to tell her that you've told your wife you want a divorce so you can be with Ex, and that you're going to be in her neighbourhood next week so you can begin your lives together properly as a couple, I'd bet next months salary that there would be smoke with the rapid backtracking she would do. It might be a way to test the waters with her, to call her bluff...
You aren't being honest with yourself - you didn't drift aimlessly into a house, marriage and kids as though you had no agency. You wanted those, and you wanted those with your wife. But now that narrative doesn't suit you because your head's been turned. And because you think you are a sound fella who wouldn't do the dirt on your wife, you have to re-write your entire history to suit the narrative that you aren't bog-standard cheater. So ex gets recast as the one that got away. The only love of your life. And wife is now relegated to just someone beige you clung to in your love-lorn despair and one day you woke up in suburbia with a wife in your bed and kids milling around your house with no idea how you got there like some sort of 80s parent trap-esque comedy.
In the nicest way though, I'm calling BS, OP. I'm sure that the life you built with your wife had meaning all along. I'm sure you planned a proposal and were happy to announce your engagement. I'm sure that you happily went along with the wedding plans and had your stag night and that none of your friends had any thought in their heads that you were having serious doubts. I'm sure that when you went through all the paperwork for a mortgage with your wife you weren't panicking about being tied financially to her for 30 years. I'm sure that you were just as excited as her to plan having your first, and subsequent children, further tying yourself to her for life.
Likewise your ex was probably doing the same in her life. And now that things have gotten a bit staid, you both are indulging in behaviour that would be extremely hurtful to your spouses and patting yourselves on the back that you managed to have the morals to hold back from each other when in fact, you've both already in morally dubious territory with regard to your marriages. Even if you cheat with each other, it's heady and sexy and romantic when it's all hotels and snatched moments of the forbidden, but reality comes swiftly crashing down when you're both dealing with the mundane life sh!t that everyone has to face when your affair turns into an ordinary relationship that becomes worse than mundane when you both see each other's bad habits and foibles.
I know of two affairs in my close family. The first, it was habitual cheating which led to a terrible marriage and home atmosphere. Wife got fed up and left. He was outraged she dared to leave him and ever since has fought over every scrap of money, he's dragged the kids into it constantly and now they are of an age where they can choose not to spend time with their parents, one barely bothers and the other children don't bother at all with their dad. He remarried and continues to cheat so the kids think this marriage is also now on the rocks. His ex has thrived in her personal life, in her career and her kids are very close to her. He thinks he's won because he managed to retain most of their marital assets but actually, he's lost the most valuable things of all.
The other affair had hallmarks of your set up. The guy kept up a friendship with his now married ex from way back. Despite the fact his wife didn't like this particular female friend and had asked him to cool it, he kept it up because he liked the frisson it gave him every time he came home to visit. Well, they crossed the line finally, and got found out almost instantly. She panicked and legged it back to her husband, never to be seen again. The man's wife dumped him and they divorced. He lost friends due to his actions, and some family members lost a lot of respect for him for good. It's not easy for him to date because if he's truthful, any woman worth her salt will think he'll do the same to her and leave and if he lies, it comes out eventually and she leaves. The ones that are happy to stick around are...well, there's reasons why they are habitually single. I like him but honestly, when he took a shine
I've seen some other relationships I'm less close to implode when a third person is on the scene and none of them have been an easy transition - even for the person chasing the affair. So the way I see it is that affairs always have a cost and the biggest one is to the relationships around you outwith your wife. You can go the way of telling yourself it's fate /kismet and that you had no choice - but you do have a choice, maybe make sure that it's an informed one... Check out Limerance to see if it rings any bells, and also Just Good Friends by Shirley Glass. I think there might be a forum for people rebuilding their marriage after an affair related to that book. You might find it a good resource.
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Op, i could have wrote this myself except im the woman in the story.
Different in that no contact with an ex but just a friend on social media and who looking back liked some of my posts on FB…
Together extremely briefly and not even a sexual relationship at 18/19, things kinda didnt work out to have a relationship at the time but my absolute one that got away.
long story short in local pub last xmas and offered to buy me a drink and drop me home to my parents etc all of which i went along with in the end and we kissed etc nothing further. Said he fancied me and that we just have a connection. We cheated with each other again at 20/21 on our partners at that time. Havent heard from him since and i would never contact him via message or whatever.
its coming up a year since and i am heartbroken. We are both married, he lives over road from my homeplace .
if i was back again would we have kissed probably not but eitherway it wont change the fact that we both probably are hung up on something that can never be now which is very sad and very hurtful for our partners.
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OP, so you are unhappy in your life, not doing or having, what you would like to and your solution to this is having an affair? How original!
And then everything will fall miraculously in places without any effort from you. Right…
You see, you didn’t chose the wrong path. You have chosen none. If from the very beginning you fought for your rights and were able to fulfil your needs, you wouldn’t need this “safety valve” in form of staying in touch with your ex. I hope therapy will teach you this, so you will be able to have life, you want without any crutches at other people’s expense.
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Family therapist Richard Hogan gave an amazing interview on Ireland Am yesterday morning on the subject of extra marital Affairs.
Well worth listening to.
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Nowhere in your post do you describe either woman in any amount of detail, other than the attractiveness and career success of your ex girlfriend. You say you had a connection with this woman but on what basis? It seems to be based purely on superficial stuff, a fantasy based on a future successful life together. How can the implied drudgery of your marriage (and indeed wife) compare with the illusion you have created of this other woman. You broke up for a reason. What has changed in the meantime to make you see this woman in a different light? Your post reads a bit like you are hoping to upgrade your partner, happy with the kids but now that a new(ish) shinier version of your spouse has come along you want to throw in the towel and give up everything you have achieved to date. And it goes without saying there are many many people out there who would love to have what you have. Maybe your wife isn’t the love of your life but there isn’t anything to suggest in your post that she isn’t a good partner. Can’t you work with what you have, whilst acknowledging that you once had happy times with this other woman?
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Actually thinking about this again, it seems that what you are actually looking for is a happiness upgrade. You were content with what you had but now that this woman is on the scene you are not satisfied to settle for mere contentment. Rest assured that if you did find a way to be with this woman and maintain a good relationship with your kids, other life challenges would find their way in. It seems be an affliction on our generation that we are constantly striving for better, “good enough” goes against everything we are brought up to believe in, blame it on generational expectations, social media, or whatever but accepting and being happy with your lot is seen as personal failure, not “living your best life” or any of that nonsense.
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Not a woman here but I think you'd be daft to pursue this other person any further.
Mid life crisis or otherwise, you have both moved on significantly - it's not as free and easy as you were way back during those two initial years - you both have kids, partners, mortgages to consider and you'd have to expect that either partner could find out even if you were just meeting for a thryst (and one would assume you, at least, are looking for something longer term.
People are suggesting Theraphy here - I am not a big fan based on numerous stories from others however it might work for you.
You need to ask yourself can you distract yourself from this other lady and potentially pour more time and effort into your own relationship with your partner? Surely you need to see if you can do better here?
Get another distraction if required, a new hobby, volunteer somewhere, help out more around the place etc - be thankful for all the good things you have at your disposal. You'll never realisticilly be able feel like you did with this other woman all those years ago as you are two very different people now.
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Op,
I concur with most posts here advising you.
Tbh, I think this attempted daliance with this "stunning looking" former love who left you years ago to pursue the life she wanted may have done you a big favour I.e. to appreciate & make the very most of what you already have!
Have you asked yourself why you were/ are pining over this ex girlfriend who had long since discarded you!?
Is it simple escapism or fantasy?
Or is it a deep dissatisfaction with your current life and relationship with your wife?
I think it is the latter. And if your existing relationship is going to survive & thrive you are going to have find the motivation & will to bring that adventurous side of yourself into this existing relationship. This & maybe a few other things in your life are what are making you pine for "these far away hills".
I think therapy & serious honesty with yourself will be the first requirement for you to get your life back on track.
That might be as a newly separated husband & father or a recommitted one. The choice as ever is yours!!
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@jen1978 long story short in local pub last xmas and offered to buy me a drink and drop me home to my parents etc all of which i went along with in the end and we kissed etc nothing further. Said he fancied me and that we just have a connection. We cheated with each other again at 20/21 on our partners at that time. Havent heard from him since and i would never contact him via message or whatever.
The way you used to word 'again' there seems to confuse me. It implies that you're now 21, and that that happen after last xmas.
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sorry i meant at 20/21 years of age we cheated on our the partners with each other, just a kiss. So this is the second time and we are both married. Its like we are both in denial. We have No contact outside of those two encounters, we are Just friends on fb. but major connection and both obviously fighting it with no contact
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The other woman sounds like a wagon.
"If you tried to kiss me, I wouldn't have stopped you"....that says it all about her. She's willing to cheat but she'd view you kissing her as not her fault.
If she'd cheat on her current hubby, she'd cheat on you. Stay away from this nasty woman.
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