My Mum died, I don't know how to cope

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121189424#Comment_121189424

Was thinking of you today Flaccus, and glad that it doesn't seem to have increased your level of sorrow and anxiety around your mothers passing. Well done on acknowledging the impact your sisters and your friend had. I'm sure they'd appreciate you saying that to them in person.

For some people, the days and weeks immediately after the funeral can be quite difficult, possibly even more so than the days immediately after the death where we can be on autopilot to some degree. After the crowds drift away, and life goes on, (as it has to) those closest to the person who passed can experience the death in a new way.

This can be different for everyone so please don't take it as fact, I'm just mentioning it so you can be somewhat alert to this possibility. Continue to tie in with your Dad and sisters and helping them through what they are dealing with and use your friend also to help distract you, and talk through things as necessary. As several have mentioned on the thread, if you (or anyone else in the family) is struggling in particular, there are support groups and professionals specifically aimed at helping people through this process. Look after yourself!

Flaccus

My Mums month mind was last Friday. It was tough as it is also her Birthday. The family are coping and am back to work tomorrow (wfh). To be honest things have got worse for me since getting back to the daily routine. All the things I am missing and remind me of Mum are really hitting home. We have started using the living room again which was where Mum took her meals and watched TV and we had the banter while I worked in the room beside. When it's empty things are very sad. As I type this, I look into the room through the French doors and Mum's seat is empty. TV is on, lights on, my Sister sometimes sits in the room in the evening watching TV but it will be empty during the day as I work. I will probably keep the TV on. Now the question of Christmas decorations have come up which my Mum loved to do and really went overboard on. I think I am sadder now then I was when Mum first passed. Sleeping is still tough.

What keeps me up at night is thinking about Mums death being completely unexpected and we were told she was going for heart surgery at some stage, plans to be finalised. On the night she passed, I knew something was wrong and discovered her in her room struggling to breathe. It turned out she said to my Sister, I think it's my heart. I was downstairs at the time, waiting for the ambulance. So maybe she knew she might not make it. She was gone a few minutes later once she went unconscious. Afterwards he GP and cardiologist were surprised by the turn of events as it was indeed unexpected. They could only offer that she may not have made it through surgery anyway or they may not even have performed it. There was no post mortem done as family were against it. I keep thinking if action was taken sooner (right after angiogram) a month previously, she may have been saved. I think I might need to talk to a professional as the medication my GP put me on is not helping at all, and I am constantly over whelmed with grief with few quiet moments.

Tork

I think you would benefit from talking to someone now. Not necessarily about the very sad loss of your mum but because of your torment over the "what ifs?". You're going to have to find some way to move past those thoughts that are haunting you. Especially if you are predisposed to getting obsessed about things. There's only so much any medication can do. You've been through a terrible trauma and I think you badly need to talk this out with someone who isn't a family member.

Your said you've started working from home again, and have described what your day is like now. I wonder would it help if you could change the physical location of where you're working from? Could you move to another room in the house, return to the office more often or use one of those hubs that are in some towns now. Your old daily routine was very much tied in with being physically near your mother. It can't be helping that you're being constantly being reminded of her absence even while you're working.

Rubberchikken

Flaccus

It's only a month. Of course you're still upset and missing your mum.

You'll always miss her but it will get easier to live with as time goes on.

Maybe talking to a grief councillor would help. First port of call is back to your Gp when you get a chance.

I agree with ^ post. Maybe a bit of change to your routine would help.

It sounds like you and your mum had a great relationship..chatting and joking and enjoying each other's company. Be proud of that.

If nearer Christmas you feel like putting up some decorations then do ..if not then that's fine too.

Mostly gobeasy on yourself. I'm guessing your mum would want you to be happy.

Take care

airy fairy

It's only a monrlth. Go easy on yourself. What you are feeling is perfectly normal.

And the what ifs and could something else have been done is something I can relate to. My mother died unexpectedly while needed assistance in an observation ward in hospital that wasn't observed. We spent months pondering the what ifs. We are finally at peace over that but I understand completely you not being able to rest easy at the moment. Dwelling on what ifs is something you need to work through though, can you talk with a friend or someone close? Even other family members.

For me, the what ifs took a long time to put to bed tbh. We had circumstances surrounding my mother's death that equated to negligence. Over time I realised I had to deal with her early passing, accept I couldn't have done anything more and that she was on limited time anyway, she probably would have suffered more had she been resuscitated.

Go easy on yourself. Your good days will come but give it time. You will always hurt from her passing, but you will get used to living with that hurt and over time, things will ease.

Flaccus

Thanks for all the advice above. I will look into moving my office setup upstairs. Returning to office won't be an option as it's a 5 hour+ daily commute every day and I need to be here for Dad. I will see if I can get an appointment with my GP soon.

Tell me how

It used to be the case that families that had had a bereavement during the year didn't put decorations up that Christmas but that type of social convention isn't really at play anymore. What it does mean is what others have said to you is the case, do what is right for all of ye. It will be tough, no question, but life does go on and remembering the joy your mother got from Christmas could be part of helping you all deal with her passing without it being debilitating.

Like others, I would hope that you can move past being consumed by 'what if's', all that you are sure of such exploration would be continued stress while you try to seek answers, even though it is understandable that you would want such answers.

Speaking to someone whether it is a grief counsellor, or a regular therapist is always a good idea in my view, they can be a sounding board to discuss things which you want to discuss personally but maybe not with your father or sister. Finding a therapist you click with can be challenged so don't be disillusioned if it doesn't happen on the first visit, give it time.

One final thing to say. this is all happening at a time of year that can be more difficult for our mental heath. The dark/cold/wet evenings aren't ideal for you in your current state and a family oriented holiday such as Christmas can be difficult for obvious reasons. But even acknowledging that this is the case can be a step in the right direction.

You mentioned before that a friend was particularly helpful at the time of your mothers passing and funeral, could you plan a special occasion such as a lunch or dinner to thank them for their help? It would give you something to focus on preparing for an would be a nice way to show your friend you appreciate them.

I hope you get some ease and can think of your mother first with fondness at her memory rather than sorrow at her passing.

Leg End Reject

Flaccus, it's very hard to accept the loss of a loved one, as others have said what you're feeling is completely normal.

I think it's still too early for grief counselling to be effective, you're still in shock. The month's mind brings it all back because the focus is again on your loss. Don't stress about Christmas or decorations, if they're up or not so be it.

One day at a time and keep talking to those close to you.

Praetorian22

Flaccus sincere condolences to you and your family on the loss of you're mother.

I know how you are feeling all too well after losing my own mother earlier this year also not to cardiac issues but to cancer. By all accounts it was all too sudden for me also. No time for treatment plans or getting better. One moment I was talking to my mother about plans for the future with smiles and a laughter...then.....a few weeks passed a stage 4 diagnosis arrived and roughly 12 weeks later my mother passed to the other side.

Strangely enough the feeling that you knew something was wrong, I totally caught that myself and I hope it's something I don't experience again. Before the doctors told my mother that she was sick I knew that something seriously bad was brewing. I'm very much still in shock about everything, as truthfully this year has been a horror script for me. I also lost two friends of mine so it's been one big year of mourning/shock/sadness and horror. My mother was young by all accounts so I never expected things to happen and play out as they did. I like to think lol that I am quite young in "life-terms" so I always thought that my mother was going to be around well at least for another 10+ years at least.

But one thing I do see as a blessing is her short time in the hospice, I was there at the very end, I said goodbye and my I know my mother did in her own way too. I know what you are getting at when it comes to saying life and all the troubles and struggles that come with it just aint worth it sometimes. I agree, things can get bad quickly and sometimes it's hard to see any light or respite at the end of the tunnel. When that happens I just think of my mother and what she would have wanted. It would be all to easy to throw the towel in and give up on life. My mother sacrificed too much raising me for me to do that now.

We're all here to help each other and not to sound spooky but I think we'll see our parents again on the other side.

I would 100% echo the guidance points from the folks above, be kind to yourself, seek out friends who can help you and find someone to talk to outside friends (bereavement counsellor).

Hell maybe everyone here on the bereavement section of boards should be actively helping each other! Maybe thats an idea.

Flaccus

Mum has passed 8 weeks today. While family are coping, I am worse than ever, constantly grieving. Anxiety is constant too. It's unbearable. I will be honest and say that only for my Dad and sister, (both in poor health and need my help), I'd end it. I don't have a partner or kids, and really only 1 good friend. So I guess I feel I am by myself, done nothing with my life. and no point to anything. Have stopped eating too most days, no interest in hobbies or going out, and job is going down the tubes. I told my boss this morning I am going to resign (even though I can't afford to) if he keeps piling on the work when he knows I am already beyond capacity, and then I logged off for the day. I was put out on stress leave the day before Mum passed anyway, and again 2 years ago. I will see my GP next Tuesday as my endocrinologist has abandoned me also and will have to get something sorted. Seeing cardiologist next Thursday. Same guy Mum saw shortly before passing so kind of foreboding. Don't know what to do. Sorry for the rant.

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121415480#Comment_121415480

You're grieving, not ranting. If you're struggling you need a medical cert to get time off work.

You've mentioned an endocrinologist and cardiologist so you need to prioritise your own health and wellbeing.

It's also time to acknowledge you're not in a position to provide full-time care to your father and sister. Their GP needs to arrange a referral for a public health nurse to get involved. If you could manage their care if you weren't working look into carer's allowance.

8 weeks is a blink of the eye in the grand scheme of things, it's too soon to expect to feel better.

Tork

Even though some people on this thread have suggested it's too early to go for grief counselling, you need to talk to somebody very soon. Your family and your friend mean well but they aren't trained to help somebody who's feeling as hopeless and down as you are now. You need to talk to somebody who has been trained to help people in situations like yours. They're out there and they can help you start to see things in perspective. Ask your GP for a referral to a good therapist on Tuesday and please don't leave the surgery with nothing but a prescription for anti-depressants in your hand. It's easy to pop pills. Talk therapy is harder but I think that's where you need to go next.

Regarding your job, please don't make any rash decisions about it. One thing you should never do is make a big decision when you're angry or upset. Sometimes leaving a job is better for your mental health but sometimes having no job at all is even worse. That's something to weigh up when you're not in a heap.

Would you be open to talking to The Samaritans? They're available 24/7 at 116 123

Flaccus

Thanks for the above. I am seeing my GP this week who is going to recommend someone to talk to and address any medical issues I have. Boss has told me to take all the time I need to rest and is going to layoff overburdening me with work, which is kind of his style and he does it to everyone. My sister and nieces have begun the Christmas decorations as we feel Mum would like the show to go on and Christmas is always a big deal in our household. I have also had great support most recently from my friend.

noodler

OP this has only just happened and you should feel proud of how you looked after your mam.

You will feel better in time.

Tell me how

Hope you're doing ok Flaccus. Just wanted to say that this time is one of the most emotional times of the year for lots of people. The wet and cold days and early evenings aren't themselves conducive to good mood and while Christmas is a time of comfort for lots of people. It is also an incredibly difficult time for lots of people also who have to acknowledge the loss of the good times or those who helped make them such.

Just saying this to you to maybe help you understand that what you are experiencing is ok if you are finding this time or the next couple of weeks particularly difficult. You're going through an incredibly difficult experience and it will take time to process the loss and get to a place where you're not being negatively affected in a serious way.

I'm glad to see you're still receiving support from a friend and really pleased to see you are working with a supportive boss. These are things that not everyone has so it is worth acknowledging that as you are doing.

You mentioned from your earliest posts that your friend (I presume it is the same person supporting you now) is was being very kind to you. I wonder could you make a task of acknowledging them for being their for you with a gift for them for Christmas or something. It may help you take part in the ritual of Christmas in a way that you don't feel is forced because doing this for someone you appreciate is completely valid and natural. It's just a thought of something that might help you through this time.

Rachel31

I feel your pain every single bit of it I lost my father and then my mother the year after absolutely devastating effect it has on me,I struggle every day I just can't believe there gone they never prepared me for this 😭😭

NIMAN

The first year without a parent is always very difficult, especially when you enter into holiday periods like Christmas etc. It makes you think how they should be there with you and their family.

But the saying "time is a healer" is very true. The pain gets less with tike for sure, although it can take it longer to pass for certain folk. We are all different after all.

Your loss is still very recent and your pain raw, but rest assured you will learn to live with the loss, and remember your parent for all the good times and good memories.

Take care of yourself.

Rubberchikken

My mam died Christmas morning 26 years ago. Only for my kids I probably would have left the season pass every year otherwise.

It's not that it gets easier, I think you just get used to it and just cope as best you can.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121568898#Comment_121568898

@Rachel31 Have you spoken to anybody about your grief? I can't find the sticky for counselling on this forum (thanks Vanilla 🙄) but I remember one that has been mentioned before https://turn2me.ie/ The service is free

Baybay

@Flaccus, my mother died almost eight years ago & my father some years before that. All the firsts are as dreadful as the lasts. It’s rare by now but there are still occasional firsts & lasts that crop up & rip the ground right out from under you.

That first Christmas without mum was so challenging for us (me but also her grandchildren) that we didn’t stay at home but went to a lovely hotel where she’d never been so we weren’t always looking at her empty spot. When dad passed away, we still had mum to chat about him with but with her gone, it was just too much. It’s horrible & awful no matter how much time you have together or how much care you’ve given, there’s always a wish for a little bit more. And some days, particularly in those first months, I wanted to see no one & go nowhere. I just wanted to wallow & try to come to terms with what happened. I think I probably pushed a lot of friends away a little & some of those relationships haven’t been quite the same but I can’t regret that because I needed to grieve my grief & I chose to see whatever way I needed to do it as my normal.

I miss my mother a lot of the time still despite her being quite a cantankerous, difficult personality towards the end but it’s not as all consuming as it once was. There are moments where it’s still raw, some where i recall something she said or did that made me laugh & sometimes when I use her baking bowl, it makes me remember lovely baking days when I was small.

I watched Four Weddings & a Funeral, not for the first time, the other night and even though I knew the funeral scene, I curled up into a ball on the sofa & just sobbed for my mother. There will always be those times, I think & for you, it’s all still very new & particularly at this time of year, so many things are happening that you’ve never done without her before. Pat yourself on the back for getting this far. No one has ever lost your mother before or felt your grief for her, you have & you’re doing marvellously. Be kind to yourself. It’ll get better.

Flaccus

My Mum is gone almost 4 months now and we got through the Christmas. I was at my lowest on the 6h January when we were taking the decorations down and seriously contemplated suicide to the point that I wrote a letter and made a noose. My friend talked me down and I am seeing a grief councillor soon. Waiting for appointment. I am trying to hold things together but I think of my Mum every minute of the day and most nights cry myself to sleep. Health is suffering as is job. Trying to take an interest in things but it's hard.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121643979#Comment_121643979

contact your gp asap, as this is significant depression now, medication is probably needed, along side the counselling, best of luck, grief is extremely painful

Tork

Just to add to what Wanderer78 said, there's also help to be had from the organisations listed on the HSE's website https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mental-health-services/nosp/help/ If you're struggling to pick up the phone to call any of these, maybe you might ask your friend to help you out? I think they'd be happy to help and would be relieved to see that you're chasing up the help you need. Grief counselling has its place but I honestly think you need a little bit more than that for now. Please call.

Flaccus

Thanks for all the advice above. I have been put on medication and also seeing a councillor. It seems to be helping. Am coping a bit better now but still need to start going out, take up hobbies. Am stuck inside mostly. When not working, I am either cooking for family or watching netflix. Mum will be gone 6 months exactly on Good Friday which is hard to believe.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121796713#Comment_121796713

Glad to hear you're doing better now. Remember, (as I'm sure you know) grief can come in waves so don't see it as all your progress is undone if something comes out of nowhere and makes you feel particularly upset.

It's a similar story in terms of recovery from mental health difficulties. It is not a linear path. It can very much be 3 steps forward than 1 or even 2 at times back so in that respect, go easy on yourself also as you hopefully start to make efforts to live fuller life in many ways. It's a good time of year to be feeling positive, longer, brighter, warmer days are around the corner hopefully and should help encourage you to try new things. Best of luck.

Flaccus

Thanks everyone for their support in this thread. It has been really helpful. I am still seeing a councillor and it appears to be helping though I still have bad days. Good Friday will be particularly tough as Mum will be gone 6 months and Easter Monday was always a big deal in my house. I am coping. I hope to take 2 weeks off work and go on a sun holiday soon, assuming health is ok.

Tork

That's great. I'm delighted to see that you're continuing with the counselling and are planning a holiday. I hope your health holds up and that you get on that plane. A change of routine and some better weather has got to help. If you're associating Easter so much with your mum, perhaps you might try to change your routine up a bit so you're not stuck at home revisiting old ghosts. Are there any family members you could visit on the day, for example? Or indeed, do something or go somewhere with your friend?

JupiterKid

I have been following this thread for a while now, OP and had not got around to posting but I wanted to also extend my sincere heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dear mother.

I lost my own mum when I was only 15 and she was not quite 47 to a massive and completely unexpected sudden heart attack. It was utterly tragic and almost tore our family completely apart - my dad didn’t want to go on living for a good while afterwards and one of my sisters had suicidal ideation afterwards. We did get through it eventually but those early years after her sudden and tragically young death were very, very tough. I actually was incredibly numb with shock after mum’s sudden death and it took a long time to fully accept her passing. We did have some great support from some very good friends and neighbours of the family which helped an awful lot.

I also deeply suppressed my grief in order to show everyone that I could manage living on my own in the family home 5 days a week whilst still in school (a long story) and I did get through that, got a good leaving cert and into college - but it took a huge toll on my mental health in my mid to late 20s.

It seems to me that you may have what is known as “complicated grief” which is where the grieving person goes into a serious tailspin in terms of their mental health after the passing of a loved one. Here is a link from the highly respected Mayo Clinic on the subject:-

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

My sister also experienced this after our mum’s death back in 1990 and after a suicide attempt a couple of years later she finally got good professional help. My dad also availed of bereavement counseling around the same time which helped him immensely in his early 50s and to move on in his life which he did.

With deep, complicated grief it is critically important to avail of professional help to enable the sufferer to learn healthy coping strategies and rebuild their sense of self-worth.

Your friend sounds like a tremendous support though this difficult time and the first couple of years can be so tough, especially all the reminders. A holiday abroad sounds like a great idea, perhaps with your supportive friend if they are available?

Thinking of you. 🙂