My Mum died, I don't know how to cope
-
30-09-2023 11:04pm#1
My Mum of 74 years of age passed away Friday at 2.05am and I can't cope. It's unbearable.
I moved back to my family him when Covid started and have a strong relationship with my parents.
My Mum took ill 6 months ago and survived a serious operation. But recently diagnosed with blocked arteries, with surgery schedule for October.
We always enjoyed each others company. I worked on one side of the room, she was recovering on the other side watching tv, French doors between us. I would keep an eye on her, cook and bring her her meals and medicine or anything else. Look after her going to bed at night. And breakfast in bed every morning. She was well on way to recovery, when she got the bad news from the angiogram and was fearing the operation, but she was coming around to the notion on it. Mum at this point now was able to walk unassisted and starting to to do things for her self. We were starting to plan events out doors. And most importantly we had the banter.
2 nights ago Mum went to bed very tired and out of breath. Had not eaten in at least a day, only nibbling at stuff and was throwing up but only phlegm. She had been like that for a day previously and wouldn't go to hospital or the doctor until next week if things did not improve. She felt she needed to just get a good nights sleep. I knew something wasn't right, just a gut feeling Friday morning. When I entered her bedroom, she was finding it hard to breath, taking in air very slowly and very shallow and she said she wanted an ambulance. Did the compressions as the dispatcher explained but she went unconscious shortly after. Dad and sister were with me. Last thing Mum said to my Sister before she went unconscious was to say I love you too when my sister told Mum she loved her. They were her last words. Paramedics worked on her for at least half an hour but reckoned she was well gone before they even got there (which was less 15 minutes)
Now I bury my Mum on Tuesday and I am totally devastated. I spoke to her cardologist and surgeon who worked on Mum previously who said her case was unusual and either her lungs filled up with fluid or one of the arteries gave up. I still have it in my mind when Mum was taking those quick and shallow breaths she was in pain, and maybe if I got her into hospital day before she might have survived. My Dad is holding it in and my sister to a certain degree. But I am having meltdown every 2 hours and GP has put me on Xanax and sleeping tablets. Only for I need to support my Dad who is 78 and hasn't grieved yet and is not in good health either, I have no interest in living and just want to be withy my Mum. I have my own health problems (serious but not life threatening yet) and have given up hope of a life. I pray I am strong enough to stick around. All I can think of to do is post here and tell people how I feel.
11
Comments
-
Sincere condolences to you and your sister and Dad and any other family members you maybe have but didn't mention. Losing a loved family member you were close to is one of the most heart wrenching things we can experience.
Try not to beat yourself up too much about what you could have done, the reality is that we do all die and sometimes the reality is that it is just our time. I'm not saying that in an attempt to be blunt and harsh, but to give you solace that no matter what you might have done, the outcome could still have been the same.
People grieve in their own way so try to allow each other room to find what works for each of you, there is no rule in this respect and sometimes the timeline in which people do this is not the same as others so try not to be harsh on each other if someone else isn't behaving as others maybe think they should. The next few days could be both a blur, and particularly difficult for obvious reasons so if you can avail of the assistance of cousins or neighbors or friends to help with basic things like meal preparation or grocery shopping then take the opportunity for them to do that if it is offered.
In terms of your own morbid thoughts, please don't allow them to dominate. It is not unusual to feel this way with what you are having to face but your emotions right now are still dealing with the shock you have experienced. It is not easy, it will not be easy for a while, it might never be easy, but it is absolutely possible to recover from the emotional state you are in right now to and to have a happy and optimistic and hopeful mindset again one day. There are various support groups and avenues that you can explore when the time is right if you feel you are still struggling particularly.
One final thing I would say is try to look at Tuesday as a chance to celebrate her rather than be consumed by her passing (not easy, I know). It may help you all both in the short term and beyond.
Once again, my condolences, those of us who are lucky enough to have such a bond with our mothers unfortunately have to accept also that it means that the grief of losing that can be especially difficult. If you are religious, I hope you get support and solace from that community also. I hope also you get some solace from posting here.
10 -
Thank you for your kind words. I will read this carefully again later as I feel you made some very helpful points. Thanks again.
6 -
I am so sorry for your incredibly painful loss. I wish you peace and the strength to get through this pain and to see hope and joy in your life again.
5 -
I am very sorry for your loss. You sound like you were a wonderful son/daughter to her.
3 -
Every experience we have is simply a moment in time, Every moment that you struggle within, sit with, or dance your way through, will eventually pass. This applies to all things, the good, the difficult, the darkness, the light, the just , and the unjust, it's all momentary. Take comfort in knowing that this moment too will eventually pass.
3 -
Advertisement
-
Grief has many of the same effects as shock, it is incredibly hard for the brain to process that someone is gone.
Guilt is normal too, but if your mum died so suddenly it's unlikely that she would have been strong enough for surgery.
You were close to your mother and will struggle to get through this. Unfortunately, the loss of a parent is something most of us go through, the alternative is a parent grieving for us and no parent would want that.
Accept all the help you need, don't suppress your feelings, be grateful for the time you spent with your mum and the help you were able to give her when she needed it.
Focus on getting through each day as best you can and look after your own health. Your mum wouldn't like your life to be cut short because she's not with you. If you still feel the same in a few months time look into grief counselling.
I'm very sorry for your loss, I've been there and it's tough.
>>> Staying Alive <<<
5 -
deep condolences.
be good to yourself. My heart goes out to you , it’s the suddenness of everything. You had especially the last 6 months to have a deeper relationship with your mum , I bet you have always be close .your mum loves you too,
“what if “are so hard . Don’t torture yourself on this , it wasn’t meant to be , I think someone mentioned this earlier.
at this stage take all the time you want to talk or text. There are some resources here as well https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/services-support/bereavement/
2 -
Not knowing how to cope, how to feel, how to get up in the morning, how to interact in a world that just keeps going on are perfectly valid reactions to the shock & grief. We all know the possibility of our parents’ deaths at some point in a far distant future but even when they’re older & maybe ill but not actually expected to die, the shock still comes out of the blue. There has been hope of recovery, of meaningful life. This, unfortunately does not always happen & ‘being a burden’ which was my mother’s great fear as she aged, can become a reality. Neither of my parents, though quite ill towards the end, were in immediate death situations but they both died anyway. I know the suddenness of their deaths would have pleased them as in they both, particularly my mother, were both living ordinary lives until the end, though with lots of unobtrusive help. That would not have been the case had they lived. One & probably both would have needed twenty four hour care. Neither would have wanted it. So I try to take comfort that their discomfort towards the end was minimal & while the grief still sneaks up on me a number of years later, I’m happy they both went as comfortably though suddenly as it was. It’s difficult for those left behind. Be kind to yourself.
3 -
I am so sorry about what happened. I don't feel anything I could say would be of much help. I get on very well with my elderly parents and I dread the inevitable day. For what it's worth, my sincerest condolences and I hope in time things improve.
2 -
You write beautifully about your relationship with your mother. Loosing someone is like a massive physical and emotional punch and your mind and body are working through it best as possible. The funeral period can feel like a whirlwind but sometimes giving yourself up to the initial mourning period helps to work through that shock, even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. For the time to come, I found it helpful to speak with others outside the family who had lost someone whether friends or a support group. Your company might also have a confidential phone counselling service. I also found it helped to frame to pain as a sign of how much the person was loved which it's clear is the case here.
0 -
Advertisement
-
A couple of points.
What a wonderful relationship you had with your mother. This is something I have noticed from Covid that families pulled closer together. My father lives next door and during covid we got a evening habit for tea at around 7 and still do. Treasure your time together.
There is no point second guessing “could you have done more”. Your mother was I’ll and her time was coming. You did all that could be done.
Just imagine how at peace your mother most have been to pass away gently surrounded by her family. What a wonderful way to go when you consider the alternatives?
It will get better. Support each other. It’s not up to you to pick up the pieces. Ye must pick up each other.
Burying your parents is the ways it’s supposed to go. I know that doesn’t make it any easier but it’s how it’s meant to go.
3 -
There is no right way to deal with the devastating loss of someone we love dearly. How you react in the coming days, weeks and months will be exactly how you need to react at that point. You might look back when you have come to terms more with the loss and say you should/shouldn't have done such-a-thing, but it will be important to remember that right now you are coping in the only way you are capable of right now.
The next few days are going to be gruelling. You will be physically and emotionally exhausted. But please realise that is normal. It's good your doctor has given you something to help. Use the help for when you need it. In time, in a few months arrange bereavement counselling for yourself. It is too soon to arrange it now, because right now everything you are feeling and experiencing is completely normal for someone who has lost someone. It will also have been very traumatic for you trying to revive her, and seeing the paramedics working on her too.
Go easy on yourself. You are completely entitled to all the feelings you have now. Each one of you have suffered the same loss, but each one of you will grieve differently. You will have had your own individual relationships with your mother. The loss is huge. It feels unbearable at the moment. But, those feelings are completely normal. When you feel up to it a bereavement group might be of benefit to you. To realise that you are not alone. To realise that there are others who understand perfectly everything you are feeling.
Take care Flaccus. And take the offers of help and support wherever they come from.
0 -
My Mum passed away in 2018 and it's something you can never come to terms with the only thing you can do is take it one day one step at a time. I still open the door to the house sometimes and expect her to be there and when she's not it wrecks me.
The things that work for me is to remember the fond memories, the chats the holidays as kids everything that you can remember that was wonderful about having her in your life and keep those at the forefront of your thoughts accentuate the positive but because your at the beginning of your grief this will seem impossible in the coming days but believe me it does and will help in the coming months and years ahead.
Secondly don't think you have to go through this alone, have a support structure talk to someone don't bottle it up it does really help to have someone there to listen and to help you through this terrible terrible time.
Lastly remember your mother's unconditional love for you she doesn't want to see you in pain and wants the best for you going forward and that she will always be with you in your heart.
Shin
2 -
Thank you everyone for your kind comments and understanding. It has helped me Immensely. I have 1 very good friend who has been of great help. This morning I am still sad. I have the TV turned on in Mums side of living room, really loud. Mum was going deaf. I found it helpful to send Mum a text message about how I feel. I also shared some fantastic Google pics with family. Dad and both sisters are gone into funeral home just now to make sure Mums appearance and makeup is nice. My Sister is so strong and has took charge. Priest will be visiting later today. Reposal is tomorrow evening and burial next day followed by by local pub for food and drink, but not sure I could manage it. Due to illness I haven't drank alcohol in 6 years and have no desire to. My friend has suggested movies tonight to take my mind off things for a few hours but I am not sure. Right now I am just sitting here with my doggy and my thoughts
1 -
Sincere condolences. I remember when losing my Mum, with whom I had a terrific relationship. There was the same guilt over “what if” scenario around her death, in my case Mum did not want to go into hospital over her spine compression fracture as she said she’s pick up an infection there and die, which is exactly what happened, but I forced the issue and got the ambulance!
The way it is, you can’t do right for doing wrong, as she herself would have said. Even if you had got her into hospital, it may very well be that her arteries were so badly blocked up her heart just could not function no matter what, and she would have died in hospital.
As it is she passed away in her own home with family present. My feeling here is that you did not fail her in any way. I’ve had cardiac issues and landed in a cardiac unit, man in next room died whilst I was there, I remember cardiologist telling me that sometimes people are just going to die anyway because the arteries have reached a stage of blockage where it is not possible to mend the situation, although of course much can be done for the majority. It’s just the fate of sone cases that the severe damage was done many years before, and does not yield reliably to remedy.
It took me three years exactly to the day when I did not daily tbink if my beloved mother and actively miss her. The one day then came where I noticed I had “forgotten” about her for a while 24 hours. Grief is a slow complex process, allow yourself to feel it without thinking it is in any way unhealthy or unnatural, time will come for the happiest of memories to predominate your thoughts.
0 -
I'm very sorry that you've lost your mum under unexpected circumstances. While no death is a good experience, I think the sudden deaths can leave you feeling cheated and stunned tbh.
Both my parents passed unexpectedly, 10 years apart, but unexpectedly nonetheless. I have always felt I missed the goodbyes, the hugs, telking them I loved them. Instead I experienced the dramatic CPR for my mother and the unexpected 10 mins it took for my father to pass in a hospital setting but medics were not expecting it.
Anyway, no death is good, but the unexpected ones are traumatic and leave you drained. There is no right or wrong ways to grieve. Your sister and father will grieve their own way, maybe not today, next week, maybe in a few months....right now you are numb. And that's ok. It's ok to cry, but its ok not to.
As regards to your mum's funeral. You will get through it. You will for your mum. I suppose the pub afterwards is your choice, but it's probably something your dad needs to do, an era where a good send off is obligatory in his eyes. There's no wrong or right way to do anything though.
0 -
Well done on being level headed and recognizing the positive actions around you.
Definitely take your friend up on the offer of movies tonight if you can, and don't worry about there being food and drink in the pub after the funeral on Tuesday. For whatever your reasons for being off alcohol for the last 6 years, this period would not be the best time to change that, even if you can see yourself drinking again in future. You've a lot going on mentally and practically so just tell yourself you're going to have a soft drink or a tea at the pub after the funeral and maybe if you feel might succumb to pressure or whatever if others are drinking, tell your friend that that is what you want to do and ask them to help you achieve that.
As others have said, this is very difficult, and will continue to be for a while, particularly the next few days and weeks, but know that you will get to a place that when you think of your Mam, the thought that will come to mind will be a happy memory rather than the pain of her loss. Grief is the price of love, it's harsh but they're the two sides of the same coin.
0 -
Maybe bereavement counselling might help the OP?
Can be referred to it by their GP.
Guff about stuff, and stuff about guff.
0 -
Something I wish somebody had told me when my father died was that people are going to say the wrong thing and accidentally make you feel worse. Don't take these things personally.
A neighbour called to the house to offer condolences. She had lost her husband very unexpectedly to a sudden heart attack about six months previously. The entire point of her visit seemed to be to let us know that the sudden loss of her husband was much more tragic than the slow, painful decline and prolonged death of my father. I remember my mother mentioned how difficult the preceding fortnight had been and the neighbour leaned forward in her chair and interrupted with, "At least you got to say goodbye!" At the time I wanted to headbutt her but I see it now from her perspective. She was still in pain and couldn't see past that. She thought she was letting us know that things could be worse. From our perspective she had been spared torturous weeks watching her husband suffering.
There were a few other interactions in the days around the funeral, from immediate family lashing out to well-meaning relatives trying to 'help,' from grief-jockeys to people who barely knew my Dad, that made me feel like screaming. I am so careful myself now when somebody is bereaved not to give in to the impulse to 'cheer them up' or to offer some trite wisdom.
So that's my advice. Ignore a lot of what people are going to say and do. Either they're hurting so badly themselves that they don't know what they're doing or they're oblivious to the depth of your pain. Smile, thank them for their support, and let it go.
0 -
Thank you all. Reading these comments has helped me. I need to focus on being strong and supportive for my 78 year old Dad and he worries about me.
1 -
Advertisement
-
Flaccus I'm so sorry to read all of this. You're going through a terrible trauma at the moment and it will take some time for you to process it all. There is no one way to grieve, so do whatever you feel is right for you. If you're having meltdowns every few hours, so be it. For now, try to worry more about yourself than your family. They'll find their own ways to grieve and they might be different to how you deal with it.
If you're up to it don't be afraid to reach out to people. One of the things we Irish do very well is funerals. In my experience, people coming along to express their condolences genuinely helped. The saddest thing from your post is that "What if?" question. Please try not to torture yourself with this. Your mum was very ill and even if you had got her to hospital, there's no guarantee the outcome would've been different. Would your mum even have made it through that operation if she'd had it? Medics do their best but the human body can outfox the best of them.
1 -
After speaking with my other Sister today she said Mum's voice didn't sound right over the phone the last few days, and she didn't want to go to hospital or the doctor. Mum had told all of us this. My other Sister, says Mum sounded like she was near the end and had accepted it. I still can't bare the pain though and am afraid for my Dad who has not grieved yet and worry if he will be able to survive it. It reminds me of my Mums brother last year. He passed away months after his wife died. He just gave up. My Mums sister died the same way the year before, after her husband died suddenly. My Mum was the last of her name. I want to be positive that Dad will be ok but all I see is bleakness ahead. He seems lost, forgetful and has admitted he is still in shock and doesn't know how he will be when it finally hits him. Sometimes I see him shaking. And he is dealing with many illnesses after a heart attack 5 years ago. I have taken 4 weeks off work which was happening anyway due to work related stress and medical problems. Hopefully I can help my Dad and 2 sisters. I have no other family.
0 -
Your dad will survive. Although right now his world has fallen apart. When my mum died,my dad said he not only lost his wife, but his mother too as she did everything for him. She died in October, he wanted to be gone by Christmas. He lived on for another 10 years without her. Now, I'm not saying it wasn't hard, because some days I wished that maybe he'd be better off gone too. It did take a long time, years in fact, and even when he died, muns stuff was still at home, he never threw a thing of hers out.
But grief is like that, you never get over it, you just learn to live with the pain and as time passes, I promise it'll get easier.
For now, get through the next few days however you need to. If it means crying or keeping it inside, let it be.
3 -
You're taking far too much of the burden onto your shoulders. Maybe it's your way of coping with the grief or it's the way your family works. What you're saying in this update is that everybody in the family, including your mum, opted to let her stay at home. Everybody was doing their best and made the decisions they did for the right reasons. Understandably you wish you could've saved your mum but maybe that was never going to happen. I'm sure you've played out the imaginary scenario in your head where that happened. But what if your mum had taken her turn in a bumpy ambulance rushing to hospital, or on a trolley in A&E or in a ward surrounded by strangers? Or what if she'd had that surgery and didn't make it? All of these scenarios contain the word "if", just like your thoughts. In the end, your mum got to die at home and had the chance to tell your sister that she loved her.
Your dad will figure out his own way to grieve. He'll also find a way to survive, so don't go putting that on your already overburdened shoulders. Your father is not you, so his way of grieving your mum won't be the same as yours. It doesn't matter if he's apparently not grieving for now. He will when he's ready. It might take a few days or weeks more. Losing parents, partners and other loved ones are events that come to nearly everybody in the world. People find ways to cope and are more resilient than they think. Despite your concerns for your father and his health, he's not a helpless adult. He could turn out to be more resilient than you think. I worry that you've decided that his path is going to be the same as those other relatives you've mentioned, and that it could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. For now, take every day as it comes and try not to become too insular. The same applies to your two sisters. Please don't turn yourself into the mammy of the family and wreck your own wellbeing.
1 -
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️ , your mam is with you in spirit and no doubt you'll feel her presence soon
1 -
Aw Flaccus I'm so very sorry. From your post it sounds like you had a wonderful close relationship with your mum and that will bring comfort in time.
But just now everything is raw and hurting and it's perfectly normal.
I know what it's like to lose a parent and in my case, both. One, my dad when I was 18 and my mum Christmas morning 25 years ago but while the pain lessened the loss never left.
Keep strong for your dad and sister and hopefully they are there for you too.
We will be thinking of you and know that we're always here when emotions overwhelm.
And never be afraid to cry for the loss of your mother.
Take care
1 -
Very sorry your loss. I lost my mother this year, it was a big shock also, even though she had health issues we were confident of a recovery. Like you, I carry a lot of guilt about decisions that were made regarding her healthcare, did we leave things too late to get seen to etc. And other decisions we made that in hindsight probably weren't the right ones. I go through the same thing as you, analysing the lead up to her death and signs that were missed, not trusting our instincts, maybe being naive in the situation.
I have no real advice for you except to try counselling, and eventually what you are experiencing will evolve into something more bearable. I am back to my day to day routine now, and although still devastated I'm able to focus on the good times more. Also, try some grief forums. You'll see that there are hundreds of thousands of people going through, of having gone through, the exact same experience, and many have very good advice to offer.
1 -
Thanks everyone for their condolences. I appreciate ALL the advice and it has given me strength. Reposal is in a little over 6 hours. Family have told me I cannot be a pall bearer as might not mentally handle it and due to physical condition. 😕 It seems my Dad is more concerned about me. I can hear my Sister grieving in the next room as she gets ready. It's time to feed the 2 cats and dogs. A job Mum would had looked after. We had a lot of friends and family visit last night, and it brought out great memories. I pray we wil all make it through. A friend of the family is going to house sit tomorrow and look after the pets. Sorry if my thoughts are random.
0 -
Flaccus, this is all just happening. You are all in the middle of it. Of course your dad hasn't grieved. Grief is a long ongoing process. Right now life is hectic with making arrangements, people around, decisions to be made. Your dad doesn't know if he's coming or going. It's in the coming days and weeks when life quietens down that his grief will start.
I'm glad you have taken time off work. If you need more time afterwards go back to your GP and they will sign you off again.
Go easy on yourselves. Bereavement is something we will all have to face at some point unfortunately. And everyone will deal with it in their own time. Don't rush any feelings. They will come when they come. Just be gentle with each other.
1 -
Advertisement
-
I am back home after the burial and afters in the local pub which is still going on. I don't expect my Dad and Sister to arrive home for some hours. I am so proud of both my Sisters who managed everything. I feel strangely relaxed now. My best friend was very supportive too.
3
![[Deleted User]](/applications/dashboard/design/images/defaulticon.png)
