Work/Life Balance - Do I need to get over myself here?

witchgirl26

OP you somewhat remind me of my sister in terms of how you won't let your husband look after your child. She was a terror for this with her kids. Just felt that she did it best & to be honest, her husband just stopped trying for a bit. She martyred herself with it when it reality her husband was more than capable. It all came to a head when the kids were about 6 & 4 as she was burning out but complaining about him. Her best friend took her aside & put it very plainly that if she constantly shot him down for offering to look after the kids, why would he keep offering?

fear2024

nail on the head- I need to be in control - but it's just about keeping things orderly - I would never want to control the people around me

And I honestly didn't mean to make it sound like he wasn't capapble of minding our little boy. He is incredibly capable and willing - he's a brilliant dad and anytime I need to do or go anywhere he is very happy to faciliatet, and same on my side. But it's 10 times easier when the two of us are looking after him together and I get totally overwhelmed with guilt when I leave him, so I try to just do it occasionally, the gym is more regualr than that, it would just feel unfair. But it's totally me, my issue, that was poor language on my part.

I feel like my skin is tightening with the stress of everything being so chaotic. I know and totally recognise that this is a me issue and I can hear and accept that feedback. Where I am struggling is that in order to keep myself from getting overwhelmed I have been able to navigate life to this point (I'm 42) in a way where I adapted myself to be able to stay on top of things - and this is maybe the first time that I feel totally stuck and unable to find the balance or support that I need from my husband to figure out some kind of compromise.

I feel I'm a bit old to start trying to change who I am.

Due to circumstances, which will hopefully be resolved soon, we are living in a relatively small 2-bed apartment, but we could fill a 4 bed house with all the stuff - so laundry, if not put away immeadiately ends up in piles on the kitchen table, then gets disrupted when we look for stuff and then gets half put away - I swear some of it is getting washed again before we've even had a chance to wear it as it's weound up on the floor and got run over with a toy car or a ice cream was dropped - it's pure chaos - I'm losing my mind

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121023931#Comment_121023931

Ok there is some important information there OP that you didnt tell us in your original post.

So you are living in a 2 bed apartment temporarily - I take it then that you are either in the process of renovating, building or looking to buy a house. Is this eating into your time in evenings and at weekends and both of you dont have time for chores?

Does your husband need you to keep working for the moment in order to get a mortgage approved - Could this be why he doesnt want you setting up a business at the moment.

As you are living in a small apartment could you put some stuff into storage until you move thus making the apartment easier to manage. Get someone to look after your son for a day this weekend and both of you sort out and clean the apartment to make it function. Both of you should then be able to keep on top of it.

As regards the laundry on the table honestly both you and your husband just need to put it away - that shouldnt be difficult. DONT PUT LAUNDRY ON THE TABLE.

Neyite

Due to circumstances, which will hopefully be resolved soon, we are living in a relatively small 2-bed apartment, but we could fill a 4 bed house with all the stuff - so laundry, if not put away immeadiately ends up in piles on the kitchen table, then gets disrupted when we look for stuff and then gets half put away - I swear some of it is getting washed again before we've even had a chance to wear it as it's weound up on the floor and got run over with a toy car or a ice cream was dropped - it's pure chaos - I'm losing my mind

Some years ago I read the Marie Kondo book. I was able to ruthlessly declutter and it felt great afterwards. Then the toddler years crept up and it was only when we were moving that I realised that we needed to do it again. It took a few weeks chipping away at it, but it worked. Do it BEFORE you are due to move. I didn't and bitterly regretted it, but I sure learned for the next move! Here's how I did it:

What I would probably do is for both of you to firstly focus on decluttering. Every Saturday, tackle one room together and put anything that doesn't belong in that room where it does belong. Then with what is left, divide into piles - Keep, Donate, Dump. Be ruthless. Are you really going to keep the battered runners or the leaky boots? Or the tops from the 90s? Get rid. Then work out storage for the stuff you are keeping. Do you need underbed boxes or more hangars or whatever. Watch those decluttering /home organisation shows on Netflix for ideas. The likes of Dealz have great storage boxes.

For toys, I recruited the neighbour kids and my son and got them to go through all the toy boxes and put full sets back together. Anything broken or bits missing got dumped. Full working sets got a wipe with a pack of cleaning wipes and cling film the lot up together.

Anything a charity shop won't take, Direct Provision charities often are happy to take toys, baby stuff and so on. But only donate the things that genuinely are in decent condition. Fill up the car and send your husband to the dump. Or both of you take a day or two annual leave together and get stuck in. We did that too.

Then you can work on keeping on top of stuff. Ok so he doesn't see that the bathroom needs cleaning, so don't have a policy of waiting to see dirt. Pick a day or evening that suits and that's Bathroom Day. Do it a few times together so you both do it the same way. Another day is Bedroom Day. And so on.

As a once off, send all the laundry to a washing & ironing service that will return it to you ready to hang up. And hang it the minute you bring it into he house.

Then you can instigate that beds need to be made every morning. Anything on the floor needs to be picked up every evening before bed time. Toys get put away before bathtime, everyone needs to bring their plate up to the sink after dinner. Everyone needs to pitch in to stack and run the dishwasher, wipe down the table and worktops and leave the kitchen clean after meals. For the first while, you might need a checklist or wall chart, involve your kid, it's never too early to start good habits and you might find your husband learning along and understanding how he needs to model good example to his little one.

osarusan

The real issue here is your need for control. Until you are able to relax that need, it's always be an issue.

Even if you were presented with a spotless, empty 5-bed house tomorrow, the issue would eventually rear its head again.

Not wanting to let your husband look after your child by himself even though you know he's perfectly capable of doing so is quite an alarming sign, as is the idea that you've convinced yourself that you're behaving this way for his (your husband's) sake.

marilynrr

I get totally overwhelmed with guilt when I leave him, so I try to just do it occasionally, the gym is more regualr than that, it would just feel unfair. But it's totally me, my issue, that was poor language on my part.

It's in everyones best interests for you to be as happy and healthy as possible. The gym is important, you said this is the first time in 6 years you haven't been able to train, that must take some toll mentally and probably contributes to your feeling of overwhelm at times. Mammy guilt is a hard thing to shake but looking after yourself and being able to get out is actually in everyones best interests. I know soo many women who train who said when they started that they felt guilty carving out that regular time for themselves but it made them a better mother/partner/everything because of all the benefits they got from doing it.

zoobizoo

 we are living in a relatively small 2-bed apartment, but we could fill a 4 bed house with all the stuff - so laundry, if not put away immeadiately ends up in piles on the kitchen table

I think that the above would drive anyone crazy.... I can't work in a messy kitchen with no clean works tops.....

If it's only a temporary thing then put what you don't need in storage.