Work/Life Balance - Do I need to get over myself here?

fear2024

So - my husband - who is truly a great person, has this thing against women staying at home with kids while their partners work - he also has a thing about money, like he automatically assumes a lot of women are with men for their money or seems to jump to that conclusion a lot. He comes from a family with money, I do not - so I was particularly sensitive to this throughout our early dating years and have probably over compensated and to be fair - I have always been pretty driven so the thought of being a SAHM, while I totally respect it for someone else - is not what I ever want for myself either - so we were aligned.

I lost my job at the start of covid and a couple of months later, and it was a hard time to get jobs, took a lower paid job that was fully remote - so, pregnancy followed and this role was a blessing during this period and when I went back to work, as while the pay was terrible, but I had a lot of flexibility - husband did the creche drop off, I did the pick up - home all day working to do laundry and house work, could even out to the gym at lunch time and I managed to get the weekly shop on a Friday. Was great.

Fast forward to life with a very spirited 2 year old boy.

About 6 months ago that company started to have some financial issues and ppl were being laid off - ultimately I decided to leave and with the shift in the jobs market I got offered a much better job, like almost doubling my salary but this role is hybrid, so I'm in the office 2 - 3 days per week. Before accepting it I told my husband my biggest fear was losing control of things (I need control, or I really struggle), I was worried the laundry or housework wouldn't get done, that it would build up. He assured me that on his days WFH he would help. I acepted the role and at the same time our creche started closing at 5pm for the summer which has only added more pressure - esp to the office days- the work days are so busy I get very little done around the house. I've had to give up the gym altogether (first time in 6 years I haven't been able to train regulrly) and while I love doing the shopping - I just have to order it online now (which prob seems insignificant to some people but we have a very very spirited 2 YO who even follows me in to the loo - so going to Tesco is heaven). My husband is doing his best to help around the house but, in many ways he just can't - he's doing laundry and ruining clothes, hanging up clothes I have put to one side to be ironed - like, it would never occur to him to clean the bathroom or the toilet.....ever and he just doesn't really know how to clean tbh - and I don't have the time or energy to take that on. This is not a him problem by the way - he really wants to be helpful - and he has SUCH good intentions - but it's not helpful. At all.

So - I've been trying to figure out how to get this situation under control - I accept that my current role, while it's an amazing opportunity for my career and it pays well- is perhaps just not working for me - So I've had a few little business ideas - obviosuly with a will and an intent to transition slowly to working for myself and there's one avenue in particular that I would like to pursue. and I have no intent to just quit my job and figure it out after however my husband has made some remarks like "So, basically you don't want to work" or when I say that my current job is just not doing anything for me at all, other than pay the bills (where previous roles have been interesting to me) he suggests that that is the way it is, and it's nearly part of life to just be unhappy at work - and I'm being a bit precious. When I think about the work that is involed to get something else going - I don't even know how I will find the time and if I say that to him at all he gets really annoyed as though I am going to quit (besides being laid off during covid I have never not worked since I was 16- unlike him, who has taken multiple random years off to travel or most recently, a couple of years ago he left his job to go set up his own business but didn't actually set anything up in the end after a year - I was fully supportive and encourgaed him to do what makes him happy - he had savings to support himself, so It wasn't impacting me- obviously this was before we had a kid)

Maybe I am being precious and I just had it way too easy in my last role - I'm not sure. I guess I am just feeling really overwhelmed and I need to cling to some notion that it won't always be like this. But maybe this is life with a toddler and I need to suck it up - i'm just really finding it tough, it's a lot of pressure.

NSAman

Simple … get a cleaner in.

Second, the guy sounds useless at housework but a gem otherwise.

third.. if you think a job that pays the bills is difficult try starting a business.

I think you want it all and sauce on top, nothing wrong with that, BUT, it takes lots and lots of time and sacrifice. You haven’t been to the gym in ages. TRY not having been to see friends and family for years! Starting a business and making it a success is damned difficult. Your time is not your own. When you get it to a level then yes, time is your own but not starting out.

iniscealtra

Your husband sounds like a good financial planner.

I would get a cleaner.

TheadoreT

Don't let your husband gaslight you that being unhappy at work is a part of life, that's simply untrue. I subscribe to the phrase "find a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life".

Wanting that isnt being precious. Many people have that so why couldnt you. But you also need to be realistic in what's involved with working towards that and planning everything meticulously - starting with getting a cleaner. It's a no brainer solution that's cheap and frees up a lot of time. Regular exercise is essential for good mental health so don't let people undermine you that wanting your gym time isn't important, it absolutely is. Really driven people make time for everything.

You say he's great but there's a lot of red flags and cynical attitudes from your husband in that post, don't let him make you doubt yourself or what you're capable of in life.

Hannibal_Smith

You're in the office 2-3 days a week WFH the other 2 days with your son in creche 5 days is it? Or is your son at home when you're wfh?

Why can you not split some of what you used to do into the two wfh days you have. Am I allowed say that? Or am i breaking the WFH code? 😬

If you were in the office 5 days a week 7am to 10pm, that would be one thing but you're both wfh during the week. Split some jobs between you both, it's not like he's not willing to do anything. He's trying to help.

Other than that as others said, get a cleaner.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think you need to get over yourself with regards your job etc, but you do need to let go a little on the housework. Drop your standards a bit. As other said, get a cleaner in. If he's ruining clothes in the washing machine tell him not to put on a wash. Or leave specific things out for him in a pile to be washed. Hanging up clothes that you've put aside to iron? Yeah, that one you're going to have to get over yourself!

I work full time, as does my husband. Neither of us have the facility to work from home. There are 6 of us in the house. Sometimes my laundry basket can be as tall as I am, but I eventually get through it.

If you are really not enjoying your job look around to find another one. Starting up a business is a tough road. If it's something you really want to do then do your research and discuss it with him. It might be difficult to convince him that it's a good idea because of his background of intending to start up himself and doing nothing. But if you really do want it then go for it. I wouldn't suggest quitting your job until you know this is something that might actually work out for you.

You sound sensible and driven. But life shifts and changes all the time. Sometimes you have to let go of this "control". You worked from home 5 days a week and were able to do all the housework during that time now you're out of the house 2-3 days per week so you're not going to be able to do the same amount, and your husband doesn't have the same standards you do.

notAMember

No cleaner I know will do laundry or shopping. It's a little naïve to think a cleaner will solve this. In my experience you end up panic tidying before a cleaner arrives so they can get at the floor to mop it.

So, your husband ruins clothes. Maliciously or through stupidity do you think? Did it magically result in him not having to do it anymore. What a result.

If anyone needs to get over something, it's him getting over that you both should work, earn money, but you still somehow need to also bear and raise his child, and be the 1950's housewife and mammy, slaving away to the household needs on top. Give me a break. It's a partnership. If you both work, you both do the household stuff, splitting the effort. Making sure that the constant jobs are not somehow deemed equivalent to the occasional "putting out the bin". He doesn't know how to clean a toilet? LEARN. Come on now, it's not hard. He plainly doesn't want to, either because it's icky, or he thinks that it's women's work, far, far beneath his lofty powers as a male. (and btw, you reinforce this a bit with your spiel in the OP)

I'd also drop the the self-deprecating "I need to have control over laundry". You need this because your partner is stone bloody useless at being a grown-up and you need to be his mammy too.

He had savings to support himself while he takes years off to travel or set up imaginary businesses? What on earth girl? Why aren't those savings pooled? What's your is his and what's his is also his?

"he automatically assumes a lot of women are with men for their money or seems to jump to that conclusion a lot." Says a LOT about his attitude to women.

And he doesn't support your career aspirations either. Nice.

Bloody hell he better be good in the sack, because this isn't a good picture.

I'd be having a long cold talk about become a much better husband and father.

wench

Look up weaponized incompetence.

He's training you to not ask him to do things he doesn't want to. And he still gets brownie points for his "good intentions".

A cleaner will help address the short term issue, but the bigger issue is his awful attitude to women generally and you in particular.

HildaOgdenx

Mod @lbunnae I have deleted your post.

Please read the PI charter before posting here again.

Hilda

iniscealtra

Two parents are working full time 5 days a week and then have a toddler to mind. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed.

Definitely get a cleaner. Don’t go blaming the other half for not helping when they’re trying. Talk about how to improve the laundry and online shopping. Neither are rocket science.

If you don’t like work as said look elsewhere. It might take a while.

@notAMember It is really not fair to chastise the OH’s husband for saving so he could take time off to travel in the past. This is a different situation.

I absolutely would suggest if ye can afford it and have the savings for it for ye both to take some parental leave maybe. Maybe your employers could facilitate one day a week. It’ll be less money and it depends on what ye can afford.

sekond

The toddler years are hard. It's very intense when you are at home, and sometimes you have to drop your standards a bit to get through. It does get easier, and then when they go to school it gets a bit easier again. (And then when they hit pre-teen/teen years you have a whole extra person to argue with over standards of cleanliness 😁 ) So what if he hangs things up that you would have ironed? Can they not just stay hanging up until needed, and then run the iron over them? I used to iron everything. Now I iron very little (helps to hve kids that pretty much live in sports gear), and if my husband needs a shirt ironed, well he gets the ironing board out and does it himself.

A cleaner could help - because at least then you know things like floor and bathrooms are clean. But, having had one with toddlers (we don't anymore, the budget priorities have changed), it doesn't help with the tidying/general mess, so you end up spending the day before tidying. (Our was an angel who did ironing if she had time when she finished - so you may find some people who will iron)

But at the same time a grown man should be capable of doing the washing without "ruining" it. He might not do it the way you do it, but it really isn't hard to figure out how to divide clothes up and throw them in the machine. My 11yo can do it. (I do have a separate pile for delicates/special treatment stuff though that I manage myself).

There must be some housework things that he is "better" at. Divide them up according to ability/interest. It may look a little gendered, but once it is done... In our house, I do grocery shopping, he (and kids) put it away. I cook, they clean up. I can't remember the last time I unloaded the dishwasher. I (or kids) put on the washing, he hangs it out and takes it in. Everyone helps fold and put away. He hoovers, I mop. He does ALL the outside stuff, I happily receive the herbs and vegetables for adding to the cooking. And, most importantly, after being the "person at home" for a while (he worked strange hours, so was around to do creche/school pick-up, after school minding etc for a year while I worked a regular 9-5 with long commute), he understands that time at home responsible for a small child does not mean time to clean, and that if the house is still standing at the end of the day, and everyone is fed and happy, that's a win. (Obviously it's different now with older kids, but it was a really important thing for him to learn, even if he had said he understood it before, the practical experience was very important!)

Big Bag of Chips

If things don't occur to him, tell him. If he "can't really clean" then you need to just accept he will do things, just not exactly as you like it.

I realised when I had my children, at first my husband was brilliant. Everything was pretty much 50/50. Feeding, changing, comforting etc. The only things I exclusively did was night time because I was off and he was working.

But bit by bit I did more. Not because he did less, but just because I'd say "I'll do it" or I'd see that he was doing something "wrong". In fact he wasn't doing anything "wrong" he was just doing it different to I would.

By the time we had our 3rd baby my husband had taken a step back/been completely pushed out by me and I was resentful at how I had to "do everything".

Just because he doesn't do things exactly as you like doesn't mean he can't do them. There's time in the evenings and weekends too for housework. It's when most people who work full-time do it. So take an hour together on Saturday morning for example and have a list of bits that need to be done and both of you do it. But you can't follow him around redoing what he has done. Just accept his standard and the more he does it, the better he'll get at it.

Disclaimer: this isn't sexist women-are-better-than-men-at-housework advice. I will fully hold my hands up and admit my husband is far more houseproud than I am. He sees things that I don't. But we have settled into a routine of what I do and what he does. I'm pretty much exclusively in charge of all laundry - which is why the basket is sometimes 5ft tall 😉. I change beds. We both do the kitchen/cooking. He sweeps, does general picking-up, tidying and he always does the bathrooms. I couldn't tell you the last time I cleaned a bathroom.

Find what works for you both. But you might have to let something's go with regards housework. You're not at home every day now. Neither is he. But you have evenings and weekends. A house with 2 adults and a toddler should be pretty easy to maintain with a small bit every evening and an hour on Saturday morning.

Neyite

He doesn't sound all that great, sorry! It's not really a partnership when he applies different rules to you and him - and also when he won't support your ambition. I don't think I could live with someone who assumes that just because of my sex, I'm by default a gold digger.

There's many of us who didn't know basic housekeeping, or didn't learn the skills from our own parents. My own husband did all the outdoor farm work chores as a kid while his sisters did the indoor stuff - a typical 80s set up. But he has a brain and hands and learned how to domesticate himself thankfully long before I showed up.

There's no excuse for not knowing how to do stuff these days - Google, and any number of lifestyle bloggers can help him out. Apart from Mrs Hinch, she's a dose. The Organised Mum Method is one that has printable lists that he and you can easily follow, and it's very teachable -Level 1 is 15 mins a day, Level 2 is a 30 min clean per day of an area and a level 3 less frequent cleaning schedule. You can tweak it to suit your house but there is a list that can be followed as a starting point.

Also with a toddler, you are going to presumably want him/her to know how to do these life skills so the time for your husband to learn how to do it is now so that you both can raise a child who knows how to do this stuff.

Having said that, when you have a toddler and both work - it IS busy so cut yourself a bit of slack and drop your standards slightly.

beertons

Would you consider home help? Not just a cleaner, but someone to come in a couple of days a week, to do the laundry and give the place a general tidy up.

AnnieinDundrum

’. He assured me that on his days WFH he would help’

what is this help about? They aren’t your jobs that he’s going to help you with. I assume all 3 of you eat and wear clothes… and I assume the child is his too… so it’s not about one helping the other.

if you can’t manage the housework between you then delegate it

get a cleaner

stop worrying about the laundry as your responsibility find a laundry service who will pick up and drop off or one either one of you can drop to easily.

and yes, weaponised incompetence is real, make sure your child doesn’t grow up the same way, in a year or ten obviously

if he can read he can follow laundry instructions

Childcare runs you should be able to sort between you, if not see if you can find another parent who can help there or a childminder who might be more flexible.

and keep hunting for a job that pays the bills and that you like.

zoobizoo

"he automatically assumes a lot of women are with men for their money.... He comes from a family with money"

I heard yesterday of a guy who is hesitant of sending his son to a mixed secondary school because the family is wealthy, the son is an only child and the dad thinks that the girls will be after his money..... at 12 years old!! God knows what the father is saying to his son about it or what filters down across the decades.

Sounds like his upbringing might have skewed his attitude. His "So, basically you don't want to work" comment is a poor way to communicate with a partner. A "let's work towards a solution" would be a good place to start.

If he can work in a job / try to start his own business / is an adult, he can learn simple tasks that the rest of us have learned growing up. Does he need to grow up in this regard?

What's harder - his job or turning a knob on a washing machine to a certain temperature and pressing ON! Practically, just get him to wash everything at 30 degrees and nothing will be ruined!

A cleaner would be the first place to start though. Or, what we do, is drop clothes (bed clothes / towels / sometimes clothes too) into the cleaners every few weeks. €12 for a load - it saves us hassle and time and is well worth the small expense. In fact, if you were to do similar every 2 weeks, it would only cost you €300 for the year!

brokenbad

Hubby needs to step up and start pulling his weight with household chores - despite his previous "attempts" at helping out or trying to avoid doing so altogether.

My wife and i both work full time in demanding jobs and have two school going young children - we certainly don't have the luxury of WFH like the O.P has.

We both share the load around housework and chores - i will always take care of emptying the bins, loading and unloading dishwasher, help out with laundry, hoovering, cooking, do the food shop, school drops, and help out with kids when time permits.

Its hard to stay on top of everything in a busy household - you will never get ahead of yourself when it comes to cleaning, laundry, etc....

Next week the stress machine in our house cranks back up again with the daily routine of getting 2 young kids out of bed, dressed and fed before doing the school drop on the way to work.

Welcome to the real world.....

YellowLead

You say your husband really wants to be helpful and is in fact helping, it’s just that the standard isn’t good enough? That’s something you just have to let go of. Two working full time parents can’t keep a perfect house. As long as things are clean it doesn’t matter if there’s a bit of laundry pile up or untidiness. I think you need to have a discussion about the duties - like it isn’t fair that he never does the toilet, it should be every second time unless there is something additional he is willing to do instead.

It’s not unusual to find your job unfulfilling - I think people are really lucky who have jobs they love. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that, but it’s not easily found. As long as you don’t quit your job before you find something else or pursue starting your own business, I don’t know what your husbands issue with you vocalising this is - unless it’s something you complain about regularly then I can see why it would get on your nerves. If whatever business you want to start is something you are passionate about, no harm in waiting until your child is a bit older so you have more time to work on it in the evening.

Life with kids and working full time can be very hard. It gets easier as they get older. I think the fact that your husband is willing to share the housework is key here, you just need to work out more details or who does what and get the extra bit of help in terms of a cleaner to take the pressure off, if you can afford it.

witchgirl26

I think some of the comments are being a bit harsh on both parties here.

First off - get a cleaner. A lot of them will do laundry bits like hanging out a wash or ironing. It's something you can discuss with them. We've had one for years (even before having a child) & it saves a lot of arguments. Yes you still have to tidy up after yourselves but the big things are done & sorted like the bathroom clean etc.

Secondly - look at who is better at what than the other. Example being my other half is not great at laundry because he hates it so puts it off etc. So I do that. I don't love it but hey. That being said - he's a hell of a lot better at the general tidying than I would be so he does that more.

If the laundry is currently getting on top of you & is a problem at present, I'd recommend dropping off a few loads to the laundrette. It just helps to reset sometimes & not being constantly trying to catch up.

As for his attitude towards SAHM - I'm not going to completely blast him on that. I know someone who had a similar view (less money related, more laziness) but it turns out after a conversation that they had seen a few SAHMs they knew behave like this & they didn't want their partner to be the same. I was able to help by showing some examples of SAHMs I know personally who are far from what his experience was & he accepted that. People can only go by their own experience/understanding & sometimes need real life examples to show them the difference.

As for the job - I wouldn't say anyone is always thrilled with their job but most people like theirs enough. If not the work, then the people or the learning opportunities. That said, I think a lot is put on this idea of what you're getting out of it & there's a heavy expectation that if you're not getting some massive level of fulfilment from your job, it's not right for you. A job is not what should be fulfilling you but rather what enables you to fund the things that do. I don't mean you should be unhappy in it but rather don't look for your happiness in it.

marilynrr

He really doesn't sound all that great

He assured me that on his days WFH he would help.

1. What does he mean 'help'? He doesn't think mothers should stay at home but he still thinks the women should run the household and that chores are your responsibility and that he's helping you?
2. Why just on his WFH days? Does he expect to do nothing on the other days even though you have to?

I've had to give up the gym altogether (first time in 6 years I haven't been able to train regulrly)

Does your husband get to go to the gym or do his hobbies?

he really wants to be helpful - and he has SUCH good intentions - but it's not helpful. At all.

Hmm, it's not that hard to wash clothes without ruining them, has he tried reading the manual or looking up a cheat sheet on clothes labels. Maybe he could take some notes if he has such good intentions. Sounds exactly like weaponised incompetence. If his intentions are so good and he really wants to be helpful then perhaps he could set an alarm in his calendar to remind himself to clean the bathroom.

there's one avenue in particular that I would like to pursue. and I have no intent to just quit my job and figure it out after however my husband has made some remarks like "So, basically you don't want to work"

I would be fuming, absolutely fuming that that was his go-to response and his overall assumption about women being gold diggers. You should both be able to consider opportunities and business plans, not just him.

Deeec

OP I think you need to sit down with your husband now and discuss that if the 2 of you are going to work fulltime then you have to share the load. At the moment you seem to be doing the majority. Do you have plans to have other children - if you do then you really need to make him understand your point of view regarding work and housework. Another child will add more pressure.

I disagree with what others have said that it will get easier as your child gets older. Yes your child wont need you to do all your kids personal needs but in my experience you are a different kind of busy with older kids. I have 3 kids ranging from 12 to 5 ( and also work) and it is hectic with school, activities, play dates, homework etc etc. Some evenings Im stressed just ferrying kids around and there is no time for housework whatsoever!

I agree that you should get a cleaner ( maybe twice a week), drop cleaning standards a bit ( this is hard I know, but you cant do everything - husband needs to realise this too), stick with the online shopping (food shopping is a pain), batch cook, takeaway night once a week, only iron clothes that really need it, make a rota for jobs that need to be done daily. Accept that the house will never be perfect - you will never be on top of everything.

Its great that you have a business idea but ask yourself is now the right time to do it - could it wait a few years. It sounds like you have enough going on at the moment. The only way you can pursue this is by giving up your job.

Also book a few days away with a friend, let your husband juggle it all alone. This could be a real eye opener for him.

suilegorma

I remember the toddler days. You barely get a second to yourself. So I totally understand the need to get some time alone that isn't work. So make this happen. Do a gym session one evening or some mornings. Go to the supermarket early on a Sat or Sun, at this stage of your life its def the most exciting it gets ! In a few years you wil have more free time to do as you please. Get a cleaner and plan to tidy the night before they come. Tell your adult partner that they need to learn how to do laundry, it is one of the most basic household tasks.

And I always had the frame of mind that I am not cutting down hours or leaving work just to stay home and do things I can outsource like cleaning and laundry...child care yes but not household tasks. I earn multiples of what I pay to get those things outsourced, I enjoy my work , the challenge and social outlet, keeping up my skills. I also protect my retirement savings by continuing to contribute to a pension. If your husband is concerned at your financial contribution to the household now, how will this look when it is time to retire ?

We dream sometimes of a business but the reality is they rarely pay well enough to cover childcare and its is almost impossible to do with children around, even the ecce hours are short and not full year.

fear2024

Thanks so much for all the responses.

The cleaner thing seems like a solution - that's been his suggestion and mine too but honesty - it would be unfair to get a cleaner in and they couldn't do much with the way things are at the moment. it's gotten out of control. Our laundry room is just a ginst pile of clothes, they are everywere - under our bed is just full of my husbands shoes, discarded pants and socks and a layer of dust. These are the things I want to keep on top of - I would not disrespect someone enough to ask them to come in to my home and take care of that.

i get what a few people have said about him being a bit negative about things, listen, he really is not a bad guy - there is double standards there - but I don't even think he realises - he's not avoiding cleaing under the bed - it just wouldn't occur to him to even notice what's going on in there - similarly, i think he feels like the bathroom is fine - to me it's disgusting. If he is unable to see things - how can he action them. I wonder this a lot. I think something would need to climb out of the toilet and bite him for him to think it could do with a bit of a clean.

He has no hobbies, and our son is a lot of work - so, while he is 100% fine for me to go and do things and would never prevent me from going to the gym or getting out to do the weekly shop - it means he would be alone with our 2 year old and I'd just be panicking trying to get back cuz I know how much work that is - so doing that regularly would be a bit unfair - again, he wouldn't stop me or prevent this. It's me, I would feel guilty.

iniscealtra

You need to let go of the control or you will drive yourself demented.

A cleaner can sort the laundry room and the bathroom.

Your husband is a grown man he can mind a child on his own for a few hours. The house will not burn down and the more he does it the better he will get at it.

Otherwise you are making a martyr of yourself and making life very difficult.

Why would you feel guilty for letting a father look after his own child ? That makes no sense.

HildaOgdenx

Mod @Danzy I have deleted your post.

Personal Issues is an advice forum. Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

Hilda

89897

The cleaning thing I get my partner is the same he just doesnt see the issue sometimes so its come to a point where its a deal for me I tell him about it and he corrects it and also me pulling back from being to picky about stuff.

However not wanting to leave him alone with your son is too much. You need to try let go of alot of this control or of course youre not gonna have much of a life.

zoobizoo

OP.... I'm male and look after a 3 year old, a 5 year old and I work part time.....

You need to trust that your husband is capable of looking after your 2 year old for an hour or 2.

Parenting is a joint venture. He will manage.

Downsize your wardrobe - you'd be amazed at how laundry piles reduce after.

Drop all clothes that that you're keeping to the cleaners.

Only iron clothes that really need an ironing... (I've ironed 1 item of clothing, a shirt, within the last 4 months).

Get your husband to tackle under the bed this Saturday while your kid is napping.

Book cleaner for next week.

Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, I think the biggest issue here is you. I don't mean that in a harsh way, and in fairness you seem to have some recognition of it, but seriously, not thinking your husband is capable of parenting his own children for a few hours at a time is beyond ridiculous. What would happen if you split up? Or you had to travel for work? Or ended up in hospital or something??? He'd manage, that's what would happen. My partner has his three children under the age of 8 50% of the time along with a very busy full-time in-office job and he manages to keep all the plates spinning.

You need to stop making excuses for both of you here. Fine, he doesn't see the dirt in the bathroom - loads of people don't. It doesn't mean that the bathroom doesn't need to get cleaned once a week or whatever. Make a rota. Split the jobs in half and both of you do one half and swap every week. Doesn't matter if a particular job "looks" like it needs to be done.

How are three people generating so much laundry??? Do you wash everything after one wear or something? If so, stop doing that. It's bad for your clothes and bad for the environment. Underwear aside and unless you get visible dirt on something, you'll get at least a couple of wears out of stuff. And have others have said, not everything needs to be ironed as it comes out of the laundry. That way lies madness. Fold & put everything away and only iron something when you're about to wear it (and only if it actually needs it).

There's just simply no way a family of three with two people WFH part of the week should be struggling with the house the way you seem to be. Something has to give and tbh, I think it needs to be your unrealistic standards.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121016595#Comment_121016595

Right OP your husband should be able to look after 2 a year old on his own - if hes not able to handle that than you have a much bigger problem if he cannot cope with 1 child. What is it that your husband is not able to cope with? Is it just you thinking he cant do it or is he reluctant.

Laundry - every family needs to have a laundry system or it becomes a huge problem - sorry but it sounds like you just leave it pile up and create a monster. I have a household of 5, washing machine goes on first thing in the morning, then hung out to dry early ( if weather good)/clothes horse/dryer, clothes took in later in the day and sorted into named baskets that evening, clothes put away into drawers/wardrobes. Washing machine is loaded with dirty clothes ready to go again the next morning. I probably spend 15/20 minutes every day on laundry and its never a big deal as its never allowed pile up. With a family doing it every day is the only way to keep on top of it.

Under the bed - 10 minutes spent by your husband or yourself would sort this out.

Being honest before you get a cleaner you need to sort the house out a little by the sounds of it. A cleaner wont be able to get on top of your laundry problems in a few hrs. You need to have some level of order before a cleaner can do their job.

Big Bag of Chips

- it means he would be alone with our 2 year old and I'd just be panicking trying to get back cuz I know how much work that is - so doing that regularly would be a bit unfair - again, he wouldn't stop me or prevent this. It's me, I would feel guilty.

And what exactly is the issue with this? Are you ever alone with your son? Maybe some time together for the 2 of them will be great. You might come back to an untidy sitting room and dirty dishes in the sink, but so what?!

I mentioned previously how bit by bit I took over complete care for our children when they were small. Not deliberately, but by being a martyr and believing my husband either couldn't do like I did, or feeling guilty for leaving him alone with them. Fast forward 3-4 years and I was hugely resentful of why I did everything with regards the children and didn't realise it was actually me who made it that way.

I'm not saying your husband is completely blameless here, but you are the one posting looking for advice. As mentioned above make a list of jobs to be done on Saturday morning. Bathroom sink, bath/shower and toilet being one job - whether or not he thinks they "look" dirty.

Go to the gym. Go to Tesco. Most are open until at least 10pm. Stop blaming your husband for you not being able to do things that you simply are stopping yourself from doing. Give up a small bit of the control and your life will ultimately be more pleasant.

TheadoreT

I can't figure out if you're a bit of a control freak or if you have legitimate reasons to not trust your husband with things.

I'm also still waiting for you to actually describe why hes "great"? You've only added to the reasons why he isn't: gormless at everything domestic related, 'unable to see things', has zero hobbies or interests, can't be trusted alone with your child, assumes women are with men for money, doesn't support your career choices... What's he bringing to the table(which he probably hasnt cleaned)?

witchgirl26

OP you somewhat remind me of my sister in terms of how you won't let your husband look after your child. She was a terror for this with her kids. Just felt that she did it best & to be honest, her husband just stopped trying for a bit. She martyred herself with it when it reality her husband was more than capable. It all came to a head when the kids were about 6 & 4 as she was burning out but complaining about him. Her best friend took her aside & put it very plainly that if she constantly shot him down for offering to look after the kids, why would he keep offering?

fear2024

nail on the head- I need to be in control - but it's just about keeping things orderly - I would never want to control the people around me

And I honestly didn't mean to make it sound like he wasn't capapble of minding our little boy. He is incredibly capable and willing - he's a brilliant dad and anytime I need to do or go anywhere he is very happy to faciliatet, and same on my side. But it's 10 times easier when the two of us are looking after him together and I get totally overwhelmed with guilt when I leave him, so I try to just do it occasionally, the gym is more regualr than that, it would just feel unfair. But it's totally me, my issue, that was poor language on my part.

I feel like my skin is tightening with the stress of everything being so chaotic. I know and totally recognise that this is a me issue and I can hear and accept that feedback. Where I am struggling is that in order to keep myself from getting overwhelmed I have been able to navigate life to this point (I'm 42) in a way where I adapted myself to be able to stay on top of things - and this is maybe the first time that I feel totally stuck and unable to find the balance or support that I need from my husband to figure out some kind of compromise.

I feel I'm a bit old to start trying to change who I am.

Due to circumstances, which will hopefully be resolved soon, we are living in a relatively small 2-bed apartment, but we could fill a 4 bed house with all the stuff - so laundry, if not put away immeadiately ends up in piles on the kitchen table, then gets disrupted when we look for stuff and then gets half put away - I swear some of it is getting washed again before we've even had a chance to wear it as it's weound up on the floor and got run over with a toy car or a ice cream was dropped - it's pure chaos - I'm losing my mind

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121023931#Comment_121023931

Ok there is some important information there OP that you didnt tell us in your original post.

So you are living in a 2 bed apartment temporarily - I take it then that you are either in the process of renovating, building or looking to buy a house. Is this eating into your time in evenings and at weekends and both of you dont have time for chores?

Does your husband need you to keep working for the moment in order to get a mortgage approved - Could this be why he doesnt want you setting up a business at the moment.

As you are living in a small apartment could you put some stuff into storage until you move thus making the apartment easier to manage. Get someone to look after your son for a day this weekend and both of you sort out and clean the apartment to make it function. Both of you should then be able to keep on top of it.

As regards the laundry on the table honestly both you and your husband just need to put it away - that shouldnt be difficult. DONT PUT LAUNDRY ON THE TABLE.

Neyite

Due to circumstances, which will hopefully be resolved soon, we are living in a relatively small 2-bed apartment, but we could fill a 4 bed house with all the stuff - so laundry, if not put away immeadiately ends up in piles on the kitchen table, then gets disrupted when we look for stuff and then gets half put away - I swear some of it is getting washed again before we've even had a chance to wear it as it's weound up on the floor and got run over with a toy car or a ice cream was dropped - it's pure chaos - I'm losing my mind

Some years ago I read the Marie Kondo book. I was able to ruthlessly declutter and it felt great afterwards. Then the toddler years crept up and it was only when we were moving that I realised that we needed to do it again. It took a few weeks chipping away at it, but it worked. Do it BEFORE you are due to move. I didn't and bitterly regretted it, but I sure learned for the next move! Here's how I did it:

What I would probably do is for both of you to firstly focus on decluttering. Every Saturday, tackle one room together and put anything that doesn't belong in that room where it does belong. Then with what is left, divide into piles - Keep, Donate, Dump. Be ruthless. Are you really going to keep the battered runners or the leaky boots? Or the tops from the 90s? Get rid. Then work out storage for the stuff you are keeping. Do you need underbed boxes or more hangars or whatever. Watch those decluttering /home organisation shows on Netflix for ideas. The likes of Dealz have great storage boxes.

For toys, I recruited the neighbour kids and my son and got them to go through all the toy boxes and put full sets back together. Anything broken or bits missing got dumped. Full working sets got a wipe with a pack of cleaning wipes and cling film the lot up together.

Anything a charity shop won't take, Direct Provision charities often are happy to take toys, baby stuff and so on. But only donate the things that genuinely are in decent condition. Fill up the car and send your husband to the dump. Or both of you take a day or two annual leave together and get stuck in. We did that too.

Then you can work on keeping on top of stuff. Ok so he doesn't see that the bathroom needs cleaning, so don't have a policy of waiting to see dirt. Pick a day or evening that suits and that's Bathroom Day. Do it a few times together so you both do it the same way. Another day is Bedroom Day. And so on.

As a once off, send all the laundry to a washing & ironing service that will return it to you ready to hang up. And hang it the minute you bring it into he house.

Then you can instigate that beds need to be made every morning. Anything on the floor needs to be picked up every evening before bed time. Toys get put away before bathtime, everyone needs to bring their plate up to the sink after dinner. Everyone needs to pitch in to stack and run the dishwasher, wipe down the table and worktops and leave the kitchen clean after meals. For the first while, you might need a checklist or wall chart, involve your kid, it's never too early to start good habits and you might find your husband learning along and understanding how he needs to model good example to his little one.

osarusan

The real issue here is your need for control. Until you are able to relax that need, it's always be an issue.

Even if you were presented with a spotless, empty 5-bed house tomorrow, the issue would eventually rear its head again.

Not wanting to let your husband look after your child by himself even though you know he's perfectly capable of doing so is quite an alarming sign, as is the idea that you've convinced yourself that you're behaving this way for his (your husband's) sake.

marilynrr

I get totally overwhelmed with guilt when I leave him, so I try to just do it occasionally, the gym is more regualr than that, it would just feel unfair. But it's totally me, my issue, that was poor language on my part.

It's in everyones best interests for you to be as happy and healthy as possible. The gym is important, you said this is the first time in 6 years you haven't been able to train, that must take some toll mentally and probably contributes to your feeling of overwhelm at times. Mammy guilt is a hard thing to shake but looking after yourself and being able to get out is actually in everyones best interests. I know soo many women who train who said when they started that they felt guilty carving out that regular time for themselves but it made them a better mother/partner/everything because of all the benefits they got from doing it.

zoobizoo

 we are living in a relatively small 2-bed apartment, but we could fill a 4 bed house with all the stuff - so laundry, if not put away immeadiately ends up in piles on the kitchen table

I think that the above would drive anyone crazy.... I can't work in a messy kitchen with no clean works tops.....

If it's only a temporary thing then put what you don't need in storage.