Am I being selfish?

unknown2u

I'm going to need to give th backstory to get to the newest issue.

Married for a long time, lots of kids of various ages. For 6 years, unknown to me my husband had an affair with a married woman in my area, which resulted in 2 children (youngest is 2). She Is still married. With her husband bringing the kids up as his own, his name on Birth cert ect. While I found out about them 6yrs ago, I thought it was a quick fling that had ended. Because I found out about it,none of his family spoke to me for 6 yrs.

I couldn't hack it anymore, and so to make our marriage work we moved away,but within ireland still.

While myself and the kids have thrived where we are, have friends,work and love where we live, he has never settled. Now, his brother in law has passed away. And his sister wants us all to move back to his hometown to look after her and her children.

I have said no. I just cannot do it. I cannot be in the area, too much has happened there and I don't think, given the circumstances that I am being unreasonable. I have told him I have no issues with him going back, but just to not expect us to go with him. He tells me I'm being very selfish.

Am I being an unreasonable person? I feel for her, I'm heartbroken for her,but I don't see why I have to give up my happiness for someone who treated me terribly for years. Obviously due to everything I have been through my mental health has suffered. I am very much still working on myself too.

893bet

No you are not. I don’t know how you have done it.

Well done and don’t be hard on yourself.

Irish_wolf

The sister didn't speak to you for 6 years and now she wants you to up-end your life and your kids lives to go help her out? Completely out of touch with reality. Wouldn't consider it myself, if she's serious about needing help and support surely she can move closer to you.

Is it selfish? No, you are primarily concerned with the well-being of your family which would be completely broken up by the move.

Oscar_Madison

Your commitment to your marriage is beyond extraordinary- I think you need to start prioritising yourself and your needs for a change.

Hannibal_Smith

- Your husband had an affair for 6 years resulting in 2 children with another woman while married to you.

- Your husband's family didn't speak to you for six years because you found out about the affair (?)

- you moved away, saved your marriage and lived happily-ish

- Your husband wants to move back to where it all went wrong and is claiming you're selfish for resisting?

No you're not selfish. You're right, if he wants to move back let him go. He's never settled where you are and will likely be resentful if he stays. You stay where you and the kids are happiest.

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058305636/am-i-being-selfish

Christ, you are the opposite of being selfish or unreasonable here.

You were immensely betrayed, he made CHILDREN with this affair, you MOVED your whole life to keep the marriage together.. AND HIS family stopped speaking to you because you uncovered his deeply bad behavior..

Now that family that ignored you, wants you to leave your nice environment and back to the place of your traumatic events to benefit them. Lol.

Listen, abusive behaviors runs in a family pretty deeply. Don't fall back into it. Your children will copy whatever you do. You are absolutely allowed have boundaries about staying out of places/environments/dynamics that have a proven record of destroying your well being/life/relationship. Man its so abusively manipulated to make you doubt your feelings about this. Im sorry to even hear this is happening to you.

Never go back to toxic environments, especially out of emotional pressure from those people related to it. That's 90% of the trap of getting into toxicity.

Stay strong, focus on yourself and your kids, allow your partner to leave or to stay and help you build a good life where you feel safe.

The_Honeybadger

You are not selfish OP, hold your ground.

Your husband is utterly selfish for asking this of you, he clearly wants to move back home and this is his chance / excuse so he is trying to put pressure on you.

I don't know how you stood by him after what he did, and the family not talking to you because you found out is completely bizarre to be honest. It make’s absolutely no sense at all in fact.

I am sure there are details and nuances that you have omitted but on the face of it it sounds like you may be better off in the long run away from him and his family.

Best of luck whatever happens

moceri

I think it is hugely unfair for your SIL to put this burden on you. Are there not other siblings who she can reach out to? I would stand your ground on this one.

spaceHopper

He had an affair, you found out, his family disowned you, he continued the affair, he has two kids with this other woman, he's not in their lives. You moved and now he wants you to move back.

If you move back will he restart the affair, how will his family treat you. Will you and the kids be happy? If you aren't will he give a sh1t

Really, why are you trying so hard to make this work he doesn't seem to be meeting you in the middle. Question is what do you do about?

YellowLead

I don’t understand why the sister in law wants you all to move - does she have additional needs / is elderly?

None of that matters anyway, there is no way you should give up the happy life you have built for yourself and your kids - I can’t imagine the kids would thank you for moving either.

Your husband has some cheek to even ASK after what he did. It seems like he probably thinks he can get away with anything after being forgiven but you stand your ground and let him feck off if he wants to.

suvigirl

That you even have to ask this question OP makes me wonder how manipulative your husband is. There are very few women would put up with what you have and still be willing to give the marriage a go.

You're not selfish.

coolbeans

Unbelievable manipulation going on here. It's hard to know where to start OP. You've been abused for years and it's still going on.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869432#Comment_120869432

"if she's serious about needing help and support surely she can move closer to you."

This, that's the compromise response to this request.

unknown2u

Thank you all for your replies.

My in-laws and another sister in law live beside her. So she does have them for support. If I'm honest with myself, it is maybe my husband unhappy here and seeing this as his escape home. I genuinely don't know,but I just know that I will not be going.

She would not move as her children are all happy where they are.

So now how do I stop myself from feeling so guilty? For years I've felt nothing but guilt, for uprooting the kids, for his unhappiness, for it taking so long for the kids to settle, for him not seeing his other kids (this was the mums decision though,coz he chose us) for him being so far away from his parents.

coolbeans

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120870665#Comment_120870665

Yer man should feel guilty not you. His situation is of his own making and to make up for the appalling treatment of you and your family you moved to where you're living now. He seems to want to undo all that now... To be honest, I'd be ending it.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120870665#Comment_120870665

I presume you went to counselling/therapy - both couples and by yourself - in the aftermath of the affair and deciding to stay, etc? If not, why not, and either way it sounds like you need further help to get you to a place where you realise that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Other than not prioritising your own needs above everyone else's, possibly.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120870665#Comment_120870665

None of it is your fault.

You didn't have an affair, you didn't cause chaos in two families. You are not responsible for the relationship your husband does or doesnt have with his children. Although they're innocent in all of this, the mother made a decision on that and that is outside your control.

You did EVERYTHING you could to keep your family together. You moved to where you felt you could move on healthily. The move has worked out for you and your children, you're happy, so it was a good decision. That is way above and beyond what most partners would do in similar circumstances.

You owe your in laws the same courtesy that they showed you at a very difficult time in your life and marriage, which is nothing.

I did wonder whether there was a bit of guilt at the back of your opening post. Is that feeling of guilt coming from yourself or is it coming from your husband?

brokenbad

Can't believe the in-laws are that deluded that they cant see things from your perspective....i suppose there is some truth in the saying "blood is thicker than water" after all.

okiss

Your husband had an affair with a married woman for a few years that resulted in 2 children. You were left dealing with a horrible situation and you moved to a new area. You had to settle your children in a new area, new schools ect. You and your kids are now happy. His family offered you no support then and have not spoken to you since.

So now your sil husband has died near where you previously lived and your husband wants to move back their. You told him that your not going to do this but he can move back their if he wants.

Your doing the right thing for you and your kids by staying where you are. Tell him that he can't expect you and your kids to move back their to suit him and his sil after the way you were treated. Let him sort out moving back to that area on his own because your not disrupting you and your kids lives to suit him.

kowloonkev

How do you know the two kids are your husband's?

Mellor

Your sister in law stopped speaking to you because 6 years ago you found out about your husband's affair (which going been going on for years).

Your husband has 2 children with this other woman, the youngest is 2 years old.

Maybe I'm missing something, but the timeline clearly does not add up. Did the husbands affair continue, or is the age of the children incorrect?

Peregrinus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120873234#Comment_120873234

When the OP found out, she thought the affair was a "quick fling" that had ended. (Presumably she was told this.) In fact it had not ended, or it resumed; it continued for some further years and 2 children were born.

At some point the OP discovered that the affair had continued/been resumed and that the children had been born; we do not know when this was. Also at some point the OP and her family moved away in an attempt to get past all this and make a fresh start; we do not know when this happened or whether it was related to, or triggered by, the discovery that the affair had continued and the children had been born.

unknown2u

I have explained abit in pm. I am possibly not explaining myself too well as I'm anxious giving out too much info. It is a very strange and complicated one.

Mellor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120873246#Comment_120873246

That's essentially what I'm getting at. We know it went on for 6 years. And that she found out 6 year ago. But no clue hoe those two periods overlap. Like you, I'm assume they did in fact overlap.

It's not clear when the affair stopped. And when they moved away. Presumably that was pretty recent, in which case can't really see how the husband has a leg to stand on to go back.

Because I found out about it, none of his family spoke to me for 6 yrs.

This is the part I find the most strange. Why would they not speak to you because you you were being cheated on. Did they tell you this, did somebody else tell you? I get the feeling that somebody may be misleading you, or misleading others about you. Because the face value scenario makes no sense imo.

chooseusername

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120873234#Comment_120873234

"which resulted in 2 children (youngest is 2). She Is still married. With her husband bringing the kids up as his own, his name on Birth cert ect. While I found out about them 6yrs ago,"

Confused me a bit as well, but I assume the them is the husband and his bit on the side as opposed to the 2 children.

How does op know the 2 children are her husbands?

unknown2u

When I first found out, we had alot of arguments. We lived close to his parents, after an argument I explained to his parents what he had done. He denied it to them. I was the crazy one, and told I wasn't allowed in their house or to talk to them again.

lbunnae

I'd be trying to force him to move back tbh! You stay put and enjoy yourself

airy fairy

Putting aside the fact your husband wants you to restart your life again in a place where he has 2 other children, does he care at all about the children he has with you? Moving them, schools, friends, routine? All because his sister needs help? While sympathy goes to your SIL, it sounds like the whole family are a selfish bunch and happy to let distruction happen within your family if you were to move. Clearly they don't care about any of you. Do you really want you and your children to be living near those kind of people?

You sound like a very loyal and dedicated mother and wife. You've bent over backwards for a man who doesn't care too much about you or your kids if he's happy to uproot you all again.

Have you family and friends support where you are? Can you confide in anyone? Don't carry this one alone in your head. He's destroyed enough, don't let him do it again. Get the emotional support you need first. Get stronger to stand on your own two feet. You don't need him.

Btw, I'd find it hard to believe that your husband does not have contact with his 2 other children. I would take a wild guess and say they are partly the reason he wants to move back to that area.

Mystery Egg

Honestly I'm not someone who is quick to suggest leaving a marriage. But your husband is long term emotionally abusive and it seems, unremorseful for how awfully he has treated you. Throw him out. Grieve and begin to move on. Go to therapy. You might even meet someone wonderful.

Are you selfish? No, not in the slightest.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120873267#Comment_120873267

@unknown2u I appreciate it may have been done to clear up confusion, but please do not engage in PMs with any poster in relation to a thread in PI. This is in the best interests of all parties.

Thanks

HS

Peregrinus

Worth pointing out that the OP is not asking what she should do. She has already decided what she is going to do; she says what that is in the very first post. Her question is "am I being selfish?"

No, OP, you are not being selfish. You are looking after yourself (and your children). That is a very different thing.

Obviously there has to be sympathy for the widowed sister-in-law, grieving and left to raise her children as a single parent. And, while she has been criticised for refusing to speak to the OP, in her defence it must be pointed out that she was manipulated by the OP's husband; he lied to his sister (and I think to the rest of the family) in denying the affair and leading them all to think that the OP was crazy or worse. (For all we know, the husband is still denying the affair to his family, and they are still believing him.)

But the sister's plight can't overcome the OP's responsibility to look after herself, and her children, and perhaps even her marriage. And I agree with everyone else that, on the basis of what we read in this thread, going back to live in the former situation will be bad for all three.