How generous should you be when a guest in a friend's house?

acequion

I'm genuinely interested in people's views on this so will briefly describe what brought me to this question.

I have a friend of many years who I'm very fond of. Lives in UK so we only see each other twice yearly at most. We're older, reasonably well off financially, so we generally hook up to do a city break somewhere. My friend is, to put it bluntly, very tight with money. Costs are strict 50/50, no treating each other. Which is perfectly fine at neutral venues. But she likes to visit me and extends the 50/50 rule when staying at my house. Pays her way, no question, but not a cent over. No question of taking me for dinner, or even lunch [we always eat out on these visits/trips] or giving a small gift for the hospitality. I've only been to her once and to be fair she was very nice and hospitable, in a non spending way. Because I was brought up to be generous as a guest, I was paying for most of the meals out etc [and she was happy to let me]. I tend to be the other extreme as it was drilled into me growing up, "never walk into a house hands hanging" etc.

She's recently left after another such visit. I can't help feeling disappointed by her but I guess that's how she is.

What do people think? A tight ass or is 50/50 fair enough?

Collie D

If I was staying in friend’s house for couple of nights I’d bring a nice bottle of whatever they liked or treat them to lunch or dinner as a thanks.

But the rest would be BAU eg rounds if we went for drinks, etc. Wouldn’t be paying for everything

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058305168/how-generous-should-you-be-when-a-guest-in-a-friends-house

I think both. Tight out but also 50/50 is fair enough.

You stated she 50/50 pays her way etc

But what I don't understand is why were meals you were paying for not 50/50 ?

Jim_Hodge

I think you're expecting too much. I'd bring a small gift and maybe pay for a meal out but friends shouldn't need generosity or treats.

Count Dracula

I can't stand hanging out with scroungers, they become infuriating after a while.

It is not just the money they are tight with, it is their personalities as well. Not only will they leach your money, they will also leach your very soul, trust me.

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854511#Comment_120854511

How is someone who offers 50/50 a leach?

I understand tightness is as an awful personality trait. The 50/50 gang I could put up with.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854511#Comment_120854511

How would that person even be a friend so?

acequion

Interesting replies. @Jim_Hodge that's exactly what I'd expect of a guest, precisely what you say, a small gift or pay for a lunch to say thanks. How is that expecting too much?

@Count Dracula She is not at all a leach and does pay her way.

@limnam I only paid for meals the one time I visited her as a way of saying thanks for the hospitality. I might have paid for two out of four meals. That's my whole question. Should the 50/50 also be when staying in each other's houses? I personally don't think so as it's not 50/50 when in you're in somebody's house.

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854574#Comment_120854574

I tend not to let others behaviour dictate mine. But I wouldn't get upset about it if they didn't return the favor.

Since it seems to disappoint you or frustrate you. For this person I would do as he/she does and go 50/50 all the time.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854619#Comment_120854619

Yep. Which is exactly what I do now with this friend. But just wanted to get other's people's views. Personally, I'll always err on the side of generosity, even over generosity if I'm in someone's home. It's how I am. My feeling is that though welcome and invited, I'm still cramping their style somewhat if staying in their home, their space, and they will also have prepped the place for me and need to clean up after, no matter how tidy I might be. Only manners to show appreciation imo. I'd be somebody who would rarely stay in anybody's home.

Mrs OBumble

I think you're overthinking this. She's your friend: accept her as she is, or move on from the friendship.

I also find over-generosity is embarrassing, it's like the person who is doing it is playing a game of on-up-manship, and you end up competing to be the "biggest". Annoying.

Having people to stay can be an inconvenience. But it can be easier: you can spend time with them without having to travel and without having to pay for expensive restaurant time. It can be the motivator I need to give the house an overdue cleanup. And if I'm doing washing afterward, a little more doesn't make much difference.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854754#Comment_120854754

Interesting perspective, thanks for that. I do accept my friend as she is, the goal of posting is to get other perspectives in general.

You make a very good point about over generosity being a bit embarrassing and you're right, even patronising. But isn't stinginess and not expressing appreciation just as bad?

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120855568#Comment_120855568

You seem to have your mind made up with 'stinginess' and 'not expressing appreciation'. When we have friends or family staying we're the hosts and don't expect anything from our guests.

nachouser

I don't really see the problem. Presumably she's paying for flights or whatever to come visit you and hang out with you? 50/50 seems fine to me. If she were just using your gaff as somewhere to sleep while she was off doing other things with other people, then yeah, that'd be a different story.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120855583#Comment_120855583

Disagree Jim. Of course we expect thanks and appreciation. Every human being expects thanks and appreciation when they put themselves out, despite proclaiming all holier than thou, that they expect nothing. Human nature and all that.

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120855583#Comment_120855583

Do they usually bring something?

One eyed Jack

Perhaps OP just brought up differently is the answer to your question - there are different expectations involved from both parties and it’s never made clear what those expectations are.

Being friends for years though, rarely having the opportunity to spend time together, you’re both older and reasonably well-off financially, it just seems odd to acquiesce to a 50/50 split and be so anal about it, or to be letting it bother you that your friend doesn’t appear to feel the same obligation to reciprocate your generosity.

I’ve a couple of long-term friends who we rarely spend time together (might explain why we remain friends too 😁), but when we do visit or spend time together, none of us, to the best of my knowledge anyway, have ever felt the need to do 50/50 or making a mental note of our ‘fair share’ of things.

I understand it’s customary to bring something when visiting friends, or when staying over, to express some sort of appreciation by way of a gift or token. I do sometimes if I think of it but I’d never expect it of anyone, because from my point of view it’s just nice to be able to do things for others without any contingent expectation of remuneration or reciprocation. They know me well enough now to know I have a head like a sieve, and I know them well enough that they’d think it was weird if I actually remembered to bring a gift with me! 😂

I have a friend living in London and we keep things fairly simple.

When he visits me he stays at no cost and vice-versa.

If we go out for a meal/to an event/etc, we pay our own way. As soon as the calculator & notepad comes out it's all downhill.

When I first visited him in London I tried to give him a few quid but he refused to take it, so I hid it under the cushion of the couch and sent him a photo when I had left and then when he visited me he hid money in the glovebox of the car. Since then we just agreed bring each other gifts based around our interests.

I'm visiting him next month and have bought him a couple of vinyls to add to his (extensive) collection.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120855756#Comment_120855756

This exactly.

If the other person used your place as a convenient free place to stay, leaves a mess and doesn't interact with the host, that's just a user situation.

But the woman in question is paying her own way.

My take on it.. if I'm invited to stay with someone, it shouldn't cost them anything extra..bar washing the bed sheets after.

I'd bring a gift for host or their kids and then any meals or events,I'd pay my way.

I would offer to do wash up if they cooked for me but I wouldn't be overcompensating by offering to buy half of the ingredients because I know if the other person came to stay at my house, I'd cook their breakfast/dinner and would be embarrassed for they tried to pay for food.

I'd then make sure I stripped the bed clothes and towels and have them ready for the wash.

This is obviously if it was a short weekend or overnight stay.

If it was a week or something then I'd obviously be looking to buy food, cook meals, leave a voucher etc but most of us don't stay with friends that long anyway.

I have a friend like you do in the UK and we'd both stay with each other (not often due to family commitments) for 3 nights tops.

I used to try give her petrol money foe collecting and bringing me to the airport but I came to realise that was actually insulting to her because it was a treat for us to see each other maybe only every second year.

acequion

More interesting perspectives, thanks guys.

However I notice that some of you, while all agreeing that hosting guests should be about providing hospitality without expectations, you still admit to making some gesture of appreciation if staying over with friends. That's my basic point. That while obviously your guest stays with you free of charge and you with them, there is still a basic expectation of appreciation beyond a simple thanks.

To clarify somewhat. I have a holiday home in Spain and that's where my friend visits me. She wanted to come for a week putting me in the awkward position of saying no, because as an introvert I could not hack somebody in my space for that long. So we agreed on 5 nights. She didn't offer to cook, though I'd give her the run of the place and I didn't feel like cooking, hence feeling obligated to eat out every night. I know some great value restaurants here and in one a 3 course dinner for two with wine costs about €35. Splitting 35 euro is, as one poster commented, a bit anal and would it really have killed her to treat me to one of those just as a gesture! I get that she flew over to see me, spend time with me but it's no hardship to hop on a plane out of cold rainy UK or Ireland right now to go to sunny Spain and she is a sun worshipper. She's been here several times and it's always the same, 50/50. I get the bus to meet her at the airport and we each pay for our own bus tickets, we then walk from the bus station to my place because she won't pay for a taxi.

I appreciate other perspectives and 50/50 might have been grand when we were both young and struggling financially but we're neither now and I just find her attitude a bit cheap.

One eyed Jack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120855995#Comment_120855995

I'd then make sure I stripped the bed clothes and towels and have them ready for the wash.

That one surprised me 😳 Do you know if this is a common expectation or is it just something you’ve always just done?

I’d expect someone would clean up after themselves if they had an accident, it happens, it’s why anyone who stays knows where the bedding and towels are kept. I’d be taken aback though if they stripped the bed themselves and had it ready for laundry. I do that kind of thing when they’re gone. Otherwise it’s ‘their’ room as such for the duration of their stay, same when I stay with them.

One eyed Jack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856153#Comment_120856153

I understand that being an introvert you may find it difficult to say something when you feel you’re being taken advantage of, and in that case it doesn’t matter what other’s perspectives are - this is a conversation you need to have with your friend and see where they’re at and if they’re aware of you may be feeling about the whole situation.

It may well be that she too has a head like a sieve and these social graces just wouldn’t occur to her. Seems unlikely from what you’ve explained already though, but as she’s your friend I’d suggest at least giving her the benefit of the doubt or an opportunity to see things from your perspective.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856206#Comment_120856206

I think it's me and the people I'm friends with.

That seems to be our thing 😄

But I'd at least expect a guest to make up the bed and leave the room as they found it and I'd do the same.

seablue

A family member stayed with recently for a few nights. Hardly saw him, he was visiting a parent in hospital. I didn't expect anything, was happy to put him up.

When he left he gave me a big gift voucher which annoyed me, I felt like he was paying me for b&b, like a business transaction.

Mr. teddywinkles

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854511#Comment_120854511

You suck blood ya leech.

nachouser

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856153#Comment_120856153

Yeah, that's a whole different thing to your op. Good luck with your thread.

pgj2015

Sometimes when im with friends who are tight, I feel like taking out a 50 euro note and burning it in front of them, just to show them its only fcuking paper.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856248#Comment_120856248

I appreciate your good wishes One eyed Jack. But I didn't post this experience looking for advice on how to deal with my friend. I'd be pretty assertive and well able to defend myself and though I have a good enough relationship with this friend, I wouldn't feel close enough to discuss something like money and tell her I wish she were less tight. Just wouldn't go there and basically accept her as she is as she has many nice qualities despite the very obvious stinginess.

I posted this because, like I said in my first post, I'm interested in other perspectives around the whole etiquette of house guests. It may not change mine, but I'm still open to hearing what others think.

Mrs OBumble

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856801#Comment_120856801

50 yoyo is a weeks groceries for me. If you just wasted it like that, I'd think you were a right a-hole.

Padre_Pio

What's 50 or 100 euro among good friends who rarely meet?

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest to pick up a meal or two for friends who were visiting, and it wouldn't bother me if they didn't pay for me in return.

Money can blind people. Unless the cost of their stay means you have to sacrifice some necessity then I wouldn't worry about it.

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856432#Comment_120856432

I think this is a great example of it doesn't matter how you act in these situations. There will always be someone regardless of what option you choose be whinging about it.

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854574#Comment_120854574

totally agree with you here.

I am just back from visiting my sister in the Peak District. She was with me in her cottage for 3 days, the other days I was in the house myself as she returned to London to work. I brought wine, a book, some Porter cake and a lovely candle. I also paid for dinner one night. I would be disappointed if someone came to my house, was free to use all my facilities, electricity, heat, loo roll, food, coffees and come empty handed! Very mean spirited in these times.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120857300#Comment_120857300

Exactly my thoughts.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856432#Comment_120856432

Look at it from his perspective. He wanted to express his appreciation and the fact that he didn't take being put up by you for granted. I would have done exactly the same.

daithi7

Bringing a bottle , or something small for the house, AND treating your host to a dinner or a lunch, is a pretty basic courtesy in acknowledging your gratitude for your bed & board imho.

OP it sounds to me that your 'friend' is a total tight ass, who comes over to your place in Spain to be hosted for free. Her not even getting a taxi with luggage to your place is just penny pinching & mean personifiedv imho. Jeez - I wouldn't dream of inviting her back anyways....

Would it really kill her to bring a bottle of plonk, &/or treat you to a measly lunch or dinner for a week's bed & board in Spain!?

P.s. she's pathologically mean by the sounds of things , so drop the leech!!

(Or put up with it and let her meanness antagonise you & build resentment further )

Your choice!!

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856153#Comment_120856153

It seems your friend is using you for a cheap holiday. They're not going to change now but if I were you I'd stop meeting her at the airport.

If she can't part with €17.50 to cover your meal at least once let her make her own way or get a taxi.

seablue

Yes, that's the thing.

There are many ways to handle a situation, and many ways your behaviour can be perceived.

The OPs friend probably thinks she is being fair and has no idea her pal thinks she's a bit cheap.

suvigirl

I have 2 close friends for 35 years, I have no idea how much any of us spends or doesn't spend when we are together.

They regularly stay at mine, even when I'm not there, but I don't expect anything from them, because I offer. I stay with them regularly too. I have brought one away on holidays and don't expect anything in return. We do give presents on birthdays and things like that.

point is they are very close friends, so issues of money just don't come up. If they were not close friends, maybe it would matter much more.

maybe you're just not so close? Maybe you need to visit them some more and not bring anything.

mrslancaster

How any friend/guest would spend five nights in your holiday home, arrive without even a small gift and then not pay for an evening meal or some lunches is just bad manners imo. Its not like you're both paying for a hotel and then splitting everything else.

If we were invited to a casual lunch or bbq at a family or friends house, wine + chocolates & maybe flowers or a nice cake is typical to say thanks and show appreciation for our hosts. An overnight or extended stay calls for an appropriate gesture. Splitting bills 50/50 is not it.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120864193#Comment_120864193

I must say I admire the non mercenary viewpoint of posters like yourself and there are indeed people for whom money does not factor high when it comes to friends and family.

But no getting away from costs, imo, especially nowadays when costs are sky high. Even with those closest to me I would be conscious of it and eager to do the right thing. I think a 50/50 split when going away with a friend to a neutral venue is very fair on both /all parties. I have a friend who insists on a kitty when we go away. We decide in advance roughly how much spending money we need, one puts it into the other's bank account and card is then mainly used to pay. Works well. Always room for generosity and spontaneity in such an arrangement, nobody is counting every cent. Luckily none of the other people in my life are tight like this particular friend who does count every last cent.

And I do feel that staying in somebody's place is not 50/50. It's a holiday for one but not necessarily the other. I won't be in any great hurry to invite this friend to come stay in Spain with me anytime again soon. I'm fond of her but that level of stinginess leaves a sour taste unfortunately.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120865393#Comment_120865393

I agree somewhat. I go on holidays with a few other single friends a few times a year, we do split everything equally. But I wouldn't be as close to them. That's probably the difference.

pgj2015

 Friends are people that you think are your friends. But they really your enemies with secret identities.

mockler007

A dead set 50/50 seems a bit strange to me. My circle of friends, we take turns to pay or bring something useful to a dinner to help.

I tend to avoid the cent counters in life.

DownByTheGarden

The holiday home brings in a new dynamic. Holiday homes make you very, very popular among friends and relatives :)

We had a holiday home years ago and found that it was more used by family than us. And we were perfectly fine with it. USed to host friends and family there when we were there and we used to also let them stay themselves when they wanted to even if we werent there.

When the neices and nephews grew up then they were using it too. Eventually it got to the point where we nearly had to book our own holiday home. We Airbnbd it then. I couldnt believe the amount of complaining we got. It was like we took something that was theirs away from them. Some of them even started looking at it on airbnb and getting the dates it was free and asking us for it on those dates. We offered for them to visit our own house but they all wanted the holiday home for their own holidays.

OP tell your friend that for the next year or two that you are lettng out your holiday home for some extra income. Say its an agent so they cant look it up. And invite them to stay at your own house. You will see by the amount of visits then if there is any difference. If you want to use your holiday home yourself and she finds out you were using it, then just say it was a last minute cancellation so you went yourself to use it.

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869364#Comment_120869364

Is there really a need to start playing games?

This is not two young children. It's two grown women.

KevMayo88

When I was in college, a friend of mine stayed over at our house and he came in our sink when he was drunk. I never touched it again, even after the housemates spent hours bleaching, scrubbing and rinsing it. Not good guest behavior.

Grayson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869747#Comment_120869747

He did what in your sink?

I feel there's details that we need to know. First of all, which sink? Kitchen, downstairs bathroom? Second, everything else.

daithi7

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120868602#Comment_120868602

Ffs, get a grip!

KevMayo88

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869751#Comment_120869751

It was the kitchen sink unfortunately. Believe it or not, that guy went on to become a manager in a pharmaceutical company.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869747#Comment_120869747

😲😲😲

Did He stand on a chair to get up there?

DownByTheGarden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869583#Comment_120869583

No games. Take the holiday home out of the equation and still have the visits. See if it changes anything. OP is giving a lot of value in their side of the relationship.