How generous should you be when a guest in a friend's house?

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120854574#Comment_120854574

totally agree with you here.

I am just back from visiting my sister in the Peak District. She was with me in her cottage for 3 days, the other days I was in the house myself as she returned to London to work. I brought wine, a book, some Porter cake and a lovely candle. I also paid for dinner one night. I would be disappointed if someone came to my house, was free to use all my facilities, electricity, heat, loo roll, food, coffees and come empty handed! Very mean spirited in these times.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120857300#Comment_120857300

Exactly my thoughts.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856432#Comment_120856432

Look at it from his perspective. He wanted to express his appreciation and the fact that he didn't take being put up by you for granted. I would have done exactly the same.

daithi7

Bringing a bottle , or something small for the house, AND treating your host to a dinner or a lunch, is a pretty basic courtesy in acknowledging your gratitude for your bed & board imho.

OP it sounds to me that your 'friend' is a total tight ass, who comes over to your place in Spain to be hosted for free. Her not even getting a taxi with luggage to your place is just penny pinching & mean personifiedv imho. Jeez - I wouldn't dream of inviting her back anyways....

Would it really kill her to bring a bottle of plonk, &/or treat you to a measly lunch or dinner for a week's bed & board in Spain!?

P.s. she's pathologically mean by the sounds of things , so drop the leech!!

(Or put up with it and let her meanness antagonise you & build resentment further )

Your choice!!

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120856153#Comment_120856153

It seems your friend is using you for a cheap holiday. They're not going to change now but if I were you I'd stop meeting her at the airport.

If she can't part with €17.50 to cover your meal at least once let her make her own way or get a taxi.

seablue

Yes, that's the thing.

There are many ways to handle a situation, and many ways your behaviour can be perceived.

The OPs friend probably thinks she is being fair and has no idea her pal thinks she's a bit cheap.

suvigirl

I have 2 close friends for 35 years, I have no idea how much any of us spends or doesn't spend when we are together.

They regularly stay at mine, even when I'm not there, but I don't expect anything from them, because I offer. I stay with them regularly too. I have brought one away on holidays and don't expect anything in return. We do give presents on birthdays and things like that.

point is they are very close friends, so issues of money just don't come up. If they were not close friends, maybe it would matter much more.

maybe you're just not so close? Maybe you need to visit them some more and not bring anything.

mrslancaster

How any friend/guest would spend five nights in your holiday home, arrive without even a small gift and then not pay for an evening meal or some lunches is just bad manners imo. Its not like you're both paying for a hotel and then splitting everything else.

If we were invited to a casual lunch or bbq at a family or friends house, wine + chocolates & maybe flowers or a nice cake is typical to say thanks and show appreciation for our hosts. An overnight or extended stay calls for an appropriate gesture. Splitting bills 50/50 is not it.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120864193#Comment_120864193

I must say I admire the non mercenary viewpoint of posters like yourself and there are indeed people for whom money does not factor high when it comes to friends and family.

But no getting away from costs, imo, especially nowadays when costs are sky high. Even with those closest to me I would be conscious of it and eager to do the right thing. I think a 50/50 split when going away with a friend to a neutral venue is very fair on both /all parties. I have a friend who insists on a kitty when we go away. We decide in advance roughly how much spending money we need, one puts it into the other's bank account and card is then mainly used to pay. Works well. Always room for generosity and spontaneity in such an arrangement, nobody is counting every cent. Luckily none of the other people in my life are tight like this particular friend who does count every last cent.

And I do feel that staying in somebody's place is not 50/50. It's a holiday for one but not necessarily the other. I won't be in any great hurry to invite this friend to come stay in Spain with me anytime again soon. I'm fond of her but that level of stinginess leaves a sour taste unfortunately.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120865393#Comment_120865393

I agree somewhat. I go on holidays with a few other single friends a few times a year, we do split everything equally. But I wouldn't be as close to them. That's probably the difference.

pgj2015

 Friends are people that you think are your friends. But they really your enemies with secret identities.

mockler007

A dead set 50/50 seems a bit strange to me. My circle of friends, we take turns to pay or bring something useful to a dinner to help.

I tend to avoid the cent counters in life.

DownByTheGarden

The holiday home brings in a new dynamic. Holiday homes make you very, very popular among friends and relatives :)

We had a holiday home years ago and found that it was more used by family than us. And we were perfectly fine with it. USed to host friends and family there when we were there and we used to also let them stay themselves when they wanted to even if we werent there.

When the neices and nephews grew up then they were using it too. Eventually it got to the point where we nearly had to book our own holiday home. We Airbnbd it then. I couldnt believe the amount of complaining we got. It was like we took something that was theirs away from them. Some of them even started looking at it on airbnb and getting the dates it was free and asking us for it on those dates. We offered for them to visit our own house but they all wanted the holiday home for their own holidays.

OP tell your friend that for the next year or two that you are lettng out your holiday home for some extra income. Say its an agent so they cant look it up. And invite them to stay at your own house. You will see by the amount of visits then if there is any difference. If you want to use your holiday home yourself and she finds out you were using it, then just say it was a last minute cancellation so you went yourself to use it.

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869364#Comment_120869364

Is there really a need to start playing games?

This is not two young children. It's two grown women.

KevMayo88

When I was in college, a friend of mine stayed over at our house and he came in our sink when he was drunk. I never touched it again, even after the housemates spent hours bleaching, scrubbing and rinsing it. Not good guest behavior.

Grayson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869747#Comment_120869747

He did what in your sink?

I feel there's details that we need to know. First of all, which sink? Kitchen, downstairs bathroom? Second, everything else.

daithi7

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120868602#Comment_120868602

Ffs, get a grip!

KevMayo88

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869751#Comment_120869751

It was the kitchen sink unfortunately. Believe it or not, that guy went on to become a manager in a pharmaceutical company.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869747#Comment_120869747

😲😲😲

Did He stand on a chair to get up there?

DownByTheGarden

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869583#Comment_120869583

No games. Take the holiday home out of the equation and still have the visits. See if it changes anything. OP is giving a lot of value in their side of the relationship.

acequion

I think DownBYTheGarden is just trying to be helpful. And I appreciate the story about his/her holiday home. I opened this thread to start a discussion around the whole topic and all viewpoints are interesting.

@DownByTheGarden, I agree re the popularity of holiday homes. But I'm actually a lot tougher on that one. I have never offered it to anybody, only my niece and her boyfriend and I'm exceptionally close to my niece who is also my goddaughter. In the early years of the purchase when my mother was younger I always encouraged her to come over with one of her friends and she did, but only once. She always preferred to come with me. But that was it. As your story demonstrates, you very quickly get taken advantage of, even walked on.

As I'm now single I like company when I'm there. Not all the time, I'm happy to spend alone there, but sometimes. So I tend to invite like minded friends, as in people whose company I enjoy and who enjoy the same activities as I do. The only issue with this particular friend is the stinginess. I probably will invite her again at some point because like I say, I need company occasionally but it will be by invitation only, not next year because I don't want her thinking she has an annual free sun holiday. She has invited me to her place in the UK so I will definitely have her return the compliment and go there, probably for a weekend over the winter. But I will bring a gift and pay for a meal, I wouldn't have it any other way. It might set her thinking.

But you can't change people. You have to accept them as they are, though it can be hard, sometimes, not to be disappointed by them.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869761#Comment_120869761

Not a fan of Eminem?

Grayson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869799#Comment_120869799

based on managers I have had, I think that's an essential qualification.

How did you even know he did it?

KevMayo88

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120870012#Comment_120870012

He had been out with one of the other housemates that drinking heavily. I believe he was chatting to a girl on the night out but nothing happened. When he was back at our house and blind drunk with our housemate, he kept saying he had blue balls after the night and needed to...relieve his frustration. I believe he said to our housemate "I need to *** so bad, I'd even do it right here, now". I assume our housemate egged him on (god knows why), he climbed onto the counter, knelt down and did his thing. I only found out about it when I returned from college the day after and was glad I hadn't used the sink that morning as I was in a rush out the door. Me and another housemate said point blank that that guy was never to enter our house again.

One eyed Jack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120870083#Comment_120870083

Threads taken a turn 😂

https://youtu.be/hcDsVaFuYdw

limnam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120869830#Comment_120869830

The only "extra" value is a couple of dinners.

I don't think we're talking about a "friend" who takes excessive advantage. No need to throw baby out with the bathwater just yet.

While strict 50/50 it's a bit on the tight side. Probably not reason to start "testing" the friendship

Baybay

A friend came on holiday with us a good few times. Usually a couple of days as part of our main holiday, sometimes alone or sometimes with her family. We all enjoyed the few days together. There’d always be gifts for each of my family & maybe some wine or flowers too. Sometimes though she’d offer to cook of an evening. A great, inventive cook but extremely messy, a tornado in the kitchen & not too bothered what went into the dishwasher or where it was put away afterwards. Always felt it was a mixed blessing but loved having her.