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Situation with ex/exes friend



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,980 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    Two years while you were together, or two years since you broke up?

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,980 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    OK. So you need to find a way to park that. Its understandable if you're having difficulty with it, prioritising counselling to help you would still be my suggestion. That level of toxicity is something that is designed to get under your skin and change your thinking, thats exactly what their agenda was. Usually in circumstances like that none of it is true and the objective is to distract the limelight from shining on them and highlighting their flaws by deflecting it on to the other person. Unpicking that is very difficult to do without help.

    You have pages of advice here of people telling you you've done nothing wrong and suggesting you move forward and that doesn't seem to be helping. So again I would say putting all your effort into finding a counsellor to help you would be the best thing you can do now.

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

    That's exactly what it was. Turns out he was the one that cheated in the end. And is now telling everyone im a psycho and caused everything. I know i'll be spoken about over this incident.

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,980 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    The relationship ended a year ago. Their opinion does not matter. What or who they talk about does not matter. If they're still talking about their brother's ex and gossiping about her, who's going to listen?

    You keep picking out the part of my posts that drag you further down the tunnel you're in. Instead look at the parts suggesting a way to solve the issue in your own mind and focus all your energies on that.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,828 ✭✭✭Princess Calla

    To be honest OP and I mean this in a nice way, you seem to be looking/wanting drama where none exists.

    You have done nothing wrong. You are building all these "what if" scenarios in your head. It's as if you want someone to knock on your door and have an "EastEnders" worthy barny.

    Your ex is an ex....let him sling as much muck as he can, he'll only be showing himself up. You walk head high and don't retaliate. He'll move on to the next poor unfortunate, no doubt telling her what a witch you were and his cycle will repeat.

    Seriously continue with counseling and step away from the drama. Realistically no one cares what you were up too, everyone really has enough of their own crap to be dealing with.

    Yeah you might give the gossipers 5 minutes of entertainment, but they too will move on to the next unfortunate.

    In all seriousness though, you do need to find the root for your desire for drama. Otherwise you too will be in a dysfunctional cycle. I've seen it with a long term friend who can really make drama out of making a cup of tea. She's in her 50's now with a trail of broken relationships and dramas. I don't think one relationship she has had since her teens/20's has come without a bucketload of's exhausting.

    So honestly, take a step back. You've done nothing wrong. However I do think you need to take a break from dating until you make peace with your last relationship and this need for drama.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,813 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    You might be extremely surprised to discover that most people will be very very aware of what him and his family are like. And will either ignore them and everything they say or will avoid them completely so as not to have to listen to them and their drama.

    We all know people like this. People who you avoid being anywhere near for any length of time. They are usually loud, obnoxious and deeply unpleasant. They tend to only get airtime from equally loud, obnoxious and unpleasant people. Anyone with even a stem of sense keeps out of the way of these types of people.

    I suggest you do likewise. You seem determined to drag yourself into drama. You did nothing wrong. And you might be disappointed to find out approximately nobody will care. Nobody. The only people who will care are people who love a gossip. And even their attention spans are short so they'll quickly forget you and move on to the next drama.

    It's time to pull yourself out of these circles you operate in. Find better people to socialise with. Find people whose lives don't revolve around drinking and fighting.

    You won't know your peace.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    His ex has as much claim to him as yours does to you... None

    Why are you worried about her?

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

    The friends family are unfortunately good friends with his family. I never had drama like this in my life until I moved back to my home town.

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

    Not so much worried more just that I don't want to hurt anyone

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  • Administrators Posts: 13,813 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    Danni21, I have replied on thread in a personal capacity but now put my moderator hat on.

    I need to ask if allowing this thread to run is of any benefit to you. Lots of people have contributed very very good advice and you have countered every single post with a negative comment. So rather than reassuring and helping it would seem this thread is only heightening your anxiety.

    You should try to take some positives from other people's comments and take the advice to get yourself away from these people. I can guarantee that there are hundreds of people in your small town who manage to avoid them and stay away from them. I suggest you do the same.

    I will allow the thread to run a while longer, but if we feel that it is only prolonging your upset and anxiety we will lock it and ask you to seek real life help in the form of a visit to your GP and regular appointments with a counsellor.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,828 ✭✭✭Princess Calla

    Well the genie is sort of out of the can't undo this.

    The only way she'll find out is if you, him or the mother tell anyone.

    You're not telling anyone, so that just leaves him and the mother. I would hope the mother would have more sense and if he tells anyone he's either bragging or trying to hurt his if the ex gets hurt that's on him or his ma!

    Yeah you probably shouldn't have sh1t so close to home, but it's done. Learn from it and move on.

    For all you know the ex could be hooking up with someone too and isn't in the slightest bit bothered.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,721 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    OP I would ask the question of yourself - are you really over this ex or are you hoping for a reconciliation and to get back in with him and his family? Otherwise focusing on what they all think of you is not a beneficial mindset - surely you can see that and if you can’t I hope you listen to a qualified therapist who will help if you let them. Brighter days ahead you just need to let go of this ex and his family.

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

    I'd rather pour hot lava in my eyes than go near him or his family. I've been to court three times and have a protection order against him. I just don't want to give them the satisfaction of having something negative to say about me. They're scum.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,721 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    Fair. But you do need to figure out why you can’t let go. Why you care what they think so much. You won’t be able to move on with your life unless you figure this out.

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

    It's because of the abuse and narcissistic bs he put me through and has acted like the victim the whole time. I've almost not been believed/heard and been given dogs abuse by him and his family/friends and accused of the very things he was doing.

  • Registered Users Posts: 271 ✭✭89897

    Thats not going to change and it cant be undone but you can change how you react to it. You could do nothing wrong from now until the day you die and these people will have something negative to say. You need to make peace with that and move on.

    Dwelling on this and everything around it will only cause you unneeded hurt and stress. Right now all youre doing is hurting yourself and causing drama for dramas sake.

    Take a massive step back, look at yourself and the situation and remove yourself from it.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,813 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    They'll say negative things about you regardless.

    This isn't a negative thing. You had sex with someone. You are a single adult who had sex with a single adult. You cannot live your life not doing normal things because of the likelihood of his family badmouthing you.

    Live your life. Ignore them. They'll eventually move on to the next one.

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

    Thanks for the feedback. I'm not very good at forgiving myself and used to being persecuted by my ex and narcissistic family members for the slightest f**k up. I need to stop looking for vaildation from these people I guess and stop hoping people will see my side or what my ex is or that i'm a good person.

  • Registered Users Posts: 461 ✭✭padjocollins

    I'm listening to Narcissist Apocalypse | The Irrational Beliefs We Learn From Narcissistic Parents & How We Hold Onto Them Subconsciously - Q&A With Debbie Tudor LPC on Podbean, check it out!

    I'm listening to Navigating Narcissism with Dr. Ramani | What is Coercive Control? With Dr. Christine Cocchiola on Podbean, check it out!

    listen to every podcast from both of these series, recognise unhealthy patterns you might be repeating or leaving yourself open to . Getting to a good place is hard work, recognising where you are and what has been happening is a first step to peace and healing.

    There are tonnes of good books on Narcisstic abuse and coercive control as well , many of them mentioned in this podcast. good luck and make u own too.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps

    Live your life. Stop feeding theirs and your own sense of morality.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,583 ✭✭✭Squatman

    not only did you do this to the guys ex girlfriend, you did it to his pope, his dentist, his postman and everyone else in his life that don't matter. move on and enjoy yourself. shes his Ex likely by her own choosing. She wont be mad at you, and might pity you more for having to deal with him

  • Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭Danni21

    I just don't want to bring more chaos to my life. Just keep engaging in self destructive behaviour recently. Hung out with him again after drinks and he ended up saying something really hurtful.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,721 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    You’re placing yourself in these situations, you need a fresh start - stop hanging around these people or zilch will change for you

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,496 ✭✭✭bb1234567

    I think in a situation like that the less you tell people about it, the less you try to defend it or win arguments, the quicker people forget about it and stop linking the thought of what happened to your to you. So just keep quiet, ignore it nearly, itll be grand.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,813 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” quote attributed to Albert Einstein.

    You keep bringing chaos in to your life by insisting on having any contact whatsoever with these people. Until you are ready to stay away from him and them then the chaos will continue.

    On some level you crave the drama. Until you are able to move out of this phase of your life, if you ever do, you will constantly chase that drama and chaos from him and his family.

    Have you ever had counselling to try figure all this out?

  • Registered Users Posts: 893 ✭✭✭danslevent

    OP, you appear to have a drinking problem. I'd recommend attending alcoholics anonymous, changed my life for the better.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭Spon Farmer

    the guy’s ex is his ex. No reason to feel bad about her.

    Any of this “circle of friends” you share who doesn’t believe you ex is abusive are not your friend. Kick them then to the curb.

    find new people to befriend.

    best wishes to you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,917 ✭✭✭dogbert27

    Why would his mam have your phone number to be messaging you to leave the house?

    You said you're only back from travelling for a couple of years but you were with your ex for 2 years. Was he travelling with you?

    Being away travelling for a few years these people should have no knowledge of what type of person you are today.

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